The Lost Mother: An absolutely gripping and emotional read that will have you hooked

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Yeah. Paul heard about it. Must be difficult.’

  ‘It was at first,’ Claire admitted. ‘I felt like I’d been hit by a bulldozer when Ben told me. My reaction surprised me, you know? I think I was a bit naïve to think I could completely get over being infertile. I guess it goes to show the pain never goes away.’

  ‘That’s a healthy attitude,’ Jodie said. ‘I’d be more worried if you were in denial; it’s a big part of your life and will be for ever. But look at you! I’m so proud of you, hon. This award is amazing and the article you wrote is the kind of thing you always dreamed of writing.’ She took the award from Claire’s hand and examined it. ‘Daddy Bo would be so proud.’

  Claire squeezed her friend’s hand. ‘You’re a sentimental old bag, you know.’

  ‘I can’t help it, it’s just so wonderful seeing you like you are, travelling the world with a hot farmer, writing the stories you always dreamed of writing. You were so unhappy with Ben, Claire. I didn’t think it was my place to intrude but it worried me, how separately you seemed to live your lives and the mechanical way you approached those IVF rounds.’ Jodie looked into Claire’s eyes, her own filling with tears. ‘You know, you always pretended it was like water off a duck’s back. What you just said now, about the pain never going away, it’s the first time you’ve admitted to me how hard it was for you. It’s great to see you open and honest and grabbing life with both hands.’

  Jodie was right, Claire really did feel she was finally finding her way. But she couldn’t feel happy right at that moment after what Nathan Styles had just revealed. Stormy waters were coming her way; she could feel it.

  ‘Thanks,’ Claire said to Jodie. ‘We’ve both found our way, haven’t we?’ She peered towards Milo. ‘I better go check on my hot farmer.’ She gave Jodie a quick hug then walked over to Milo. HisH face lit up when he saw her, making her heart leap. Maybe everything would be okay?

  But then someone was walking towards her. She thought it was a mirage at first, the woman’s red hair lifting as she walked towards Milo, her skirt swishing around her legs, the setting sun shimmering into the window above like a spinning top. Milo froze, his eyes wide, his face pale.

  The woman stopped before him, her head tilting. ‘Milo?’

  Irish accent.

  Erin?

  ‘I heard the news,’ the woman said. ‘It’s Erin’s body, isn’t it?’

  Claire’s head swam with confusion. ‘I don’t understand. Who are you?’

  The woman stepped towards Claire, the bells around the hem of her long pink skirt jingling, the sun moving from behind her head, taking the red glow with it. Now Claire could see that the woman’s hair was brown, like her own.

  ‘Nora,’ the woman said. ‘Nora McKenzie. I’m Erin’s best friend. I’ve been looking for her for years.’

  ‘Erin’s in Ireland,’ Claire said, not believing the words as they came out of her mouth.

  ‘I haven’t heard from Erin in over fifteen years.’

  Claire looked at Milo.

  ‘It was just after Dale got sole custody of Holly. We argued about you, Milo,’ Nora continued. ‘Her daughter had been taken away from her and yet all Erin could talk about was you. That’s the last time I heard from her. I refused to believe she’d block me out like that. I even filed a missing person’s report. But no one took me seriously. And now they’ve found a body.’ Her voice broke. ‘It’s her, isn’t it?’

  Milo didn’t say anything, just blinked at her.

  Claire put her hand up to her head, massaging her throbbing temple as though she could massage the dawning terror away. Erin had been missing for eleven years. A body had been found in Exmoor. Could it really be her?

  People were turning to look at them now, noticing the look on Claire’s face, the tears running down Nora’s face.

  ‘Claire,’ Jay asked, striding over. ‘Are you okay?’

  But she ignored him, looking into Milo’s eyes. She saw something there, a horrible dread.

  As she looked at Nora, something occurred to her. ‘Did you send Milo that Christmas card when we were in Finland?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nora said, her voice trembling slightly. ‘I got the address after seeing one of your articles online saying you were both staying at the reindeer farm. I had the card from the time Erin stayed with us when she’d just found out she was pregnant with Holly. I got a little drunk and sent it impulsively as a little reminder to Milo that she wasn’t forgotten, and that I knew what happened between you both,’ she added, eyes drilling into Milo’s.

  ‘What happened between you both?’ Jay asked Milo. ‘What’s going on?’

  Nora turned to Jay. ‘Milo and Erin had an affair. Erin James is my best friend and she’s dead.’ Her voice broke as she said that and Claire could see in Nora’s brown eyes the gradual dawning that the best friend she’d been searching for all these years might be dead.

  ‘It’s her body they’ve found in Exmoor,’ Nora said, her jaw tight as she tried to contain her emotions. ‘I know it is.’

  ‘What body?’ Sofia asked. ‘What’s going on, Claire?’

  Claire looked at Milo. ‘Tell me, Milo. I know something’s wrong. I think I’ve always known.’

  ‘She loved you, you know,’ Nora said, her voice filled with sadness. ‘More than she ever loved that unstable brother of yours. Did he kill her, Milo?’ Nora stepped towards him. ‘Or did you?’

  Milo’s face crumpled.

  ‘No,’ Claire said, shaking her head. ‘No.’

  Jay took Claire by the shoulders and shook her. ‘Look at his face, Claire! He doesn’t even have to say it out loud, that’s confession enough.’

  The room went quiet, everyone looking at them now. But all Claire could see was Milo and the wretched look in his eyes.

  ‘Okay, I think the party’s over,’ Jay said, nodding at the bar’s manager, who opened the doors. People hesitated a moment then started walking out, leaving just Claire, Milo and Nora.

  ‘Is it true?’ Claire asked Milo, suddenly feeling very calm as Nora stood close to her. ‘Is Erin dead?’

  He slumped against the pillar, covering his face with his hands.

  That was all Claire needed for an answer.

  Nora looked up at the ceiling, tears streaming down her face. ‘What happened to Erin?’ she asked.

  ‘Holly went missing a few weeks after the court order, and when we searched for her, we found her at Hope’s Mouth with Erin,’ Milo said in a wretched voice. ‘I thought she was going to jump with Holly in her arms. I tried to stop her but – but she slipped.’

  Nora let out a sob, putting her hand to her mouth.

  ‘So Holly saw everything,’ Claire said.

  Milo nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘That poor poor girl,’ Nora whispered.

  ‘I’m so sorry for everything, Claire,’ Milo said. ‘For the lies, for what happened.’

  Milo put his hand out to Claire but she stepped away from him. ‘No more lies.’

  21

  Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand

  2004

  I sit at the table, smoothing my hair down. I must look a right state compared to my usual neat self. But I haven’t got the time or the heart to make myself look good for Will. Anyway, he’s still in a mood with me, I can tell, despite how relaxed he’s pretending to be.

  Sam approaches the table looking uncomfortable, his usually relaxed pose replaced by a straight back, rigid arms.

  As we order our food, we make small talk. Or Will does, telling Sam all about his father’s job as a finance director of a top haulage company, emphasising how important he is by association. When our food arrives, I look at the salad Will ordered for me, then at Sam’s curry and suddenly have a craving for it.

  ‘Want to swap?’ Sam asks, noticing me looking at it.

  ‘You don’t mind?’

  Will laughs. ‘You hate spicy curry, Louise. That stuff’ll take your head off.’

  ‘Maybe that’s what I need right now,’ I sa
y, swapping my plate with Sam’s as he smiles to himself.

  Will looks between us, his lips getting that pinched look they get when he’s annoyed. ‘It doesn’t sound like you’ve made much progress searching for your mother. Just as well I’m here, isn’t it?’

  I’m about to tell him this isn’t some kind of competition but then he places a large envelope on the table and leans back, folding his arms.

  ‘What’s this?’ I ask, picking it up.

  ‘As I mentioned, I called your father when I landed to check on the girls, and he told me your mother was looking for her best friend out here. You do realise Erin James is dead, don’t you?’

  I look at him in shock. ‘Dead?’

  Will nods. ‘Yes, her body was found over two years ago. Your father did some digging after he spoke to you. He asked me to let you know.’

  Two years. Chloe would’ve just been five, Olivia two, so my TV had been full of kids’ stuff, my newspaper rack crammed with parenting magazines, the real world not getting a look-in. Plus Mum and I hadn’t been talking during that time, so if she’d known about Erin, I’d not have heard it from her. She must’ve been devastated. Why didn’t she tell me? It breaks my heart to think she couldn’t share something like this with me. When she lost contact with Erin, she struggled to cope. How would she have coped knowing she was dead? Has she had anyone to turn to for comfort?

  Oh Mum.

  I take a deep breath, blinking the tears away. I can’t fall apart now, not when she needs me the most.

  ‘How did Erin die?’ I ask Will.

  ‘An accident, apparently. She was arguing with Milo James,’ he says, making quotation marks with his fingers, ‘and she stumbled off a cliff. Her daughter witnessed it all.’

  ‘My God, that poor girl,’ I say. ‘First she sees her mother die then had to witness what her father did a few years later.’

  I think of what that boy in the café had said about Mum asking about Holly James. ‘If Mum hadn’t been searching for Erin, why was she searching for Holly?’

  ‘Maybe she saw the photos,’ Sam says, ‘and was worried about her? She may have felt a responsibility for her now Holly’s mother was gone?’

  I can’t help but wonder why Mum didn’t feel that same responsibility to me.

  ‘That’s exactly the conclusion I came to,’ Will says. ‘So I called Niran from the airport and got him to do some digging.’ He taps the envelope in front of me and raises an eyebrow.

  I go to open it then pause. ‘Is this what Niran gave you when we arrived?’

  ‘Yes, he had it all ready for me. He’d be a brilliant detective, that one.’

  I feel anger well up inside. ‘Why didn’t you show it to me then, for Christ’s sake? This isn’t a game, Will! Time is of the essence. What if Mum’s injured somewhere?’

  The smug smile drops off his face. ‘Well, if you’re going to be like that.’ He snatches the envelope away from me.

  ‘Give it to her,’ Sam says in a low voice. ‘Louise is right, this isn’t a game. Her mother’s missing.’

  Will slowly turns to Sam. ‘Your mother was friends with Nora, wasn’t she? Oh, that’s right. I remember Louise saying something about her mother’s sad old divorcée friend Jane who drank too much.’

  I almost choke on my drink as Sam’s whole face goes bright red. What the hell is Will playing at?

  ‘I certainly did not say that,’ I say.

  Sam stands, throwing his napkin on the table. ‘I’ll leave you both to it.’

  ‘Please don’t go,’ I say, half standing.

  Will places his hand firmly over mine. ‘Let him go, Louise.’

  Sam goes to walk away then pauses, turning to me. ‘You might want to ask your husband what he said to your mum when he dropped her off after his birthday party. I might be wrong, it’s just a hunch.’ He strides away.

  I watch him leave, my stomach twisting inside. Then I look at Will.

  ‘I have no idea what he’s talking about,’ he says before I have a chance to say anything.

  ‘You’re lying. I always know when you’re lying. If our marriage matters to you at all, you can’t lie to me. Do you understand?’

  I imagine Mum sitting in the chair Sam’s left behind, smiling to herself. That’s right, Lou. Beauty is truth and truth beauty.

  Will searches my eyes then blinks a few times. ‘Fine,’ he says eventually. ‘I only did it because I love you.’

  My heart ricochets against my chest. ‘Did what?’

  ‘It’s nothing really, your mother took it too literally and—’

  ‘Took what too literally?’

  Will rakes his fingers through his short dark hair, avoiding my gaze. ‘All I said was she was holding you back.’

  ‘Holding me back?’

  ‘Yes. I said you fixated too much on your relationship, that you couldn’t really grow into the real Louise, that she was ruining your life.’

  ‘What the hell, Will? Did you also say I’d be better off without her, like you said on the phone the other day?’

  He doesn’t say anything and I know in that moment he did say that. And Mum, being the way she was, took it right to her heart, thinking it would just be better for me and the girls if she stepped quietly out of our lives.

  I feel a horrible buzzing in my head. Will’s trying to say my name, trying to make me look at him and it’s suffocating me. I jump up and run out of the restaurant, shouting ‘Don’t follow me’ over my shoulder, nearly bumping into Niran whose smile freezes when he sees the look on my face.

  When I get down to the beach, the heat presses into me, the sound of crickets, the ripple of the ocean wrapping itself around me.

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ I whisper, sinking down onto the sand.

  ‘Louise?’ I look up to see Sam standing nearby. He must have noticed the tears on my cheeks because he quickly strolls towards me, crouching down in front of me. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I didn’t say that about your mum, Sam. I swear.’

  He sighs and sits down next to me. ‘I know. It’s not the sort of thing you’d say.’

  ‘You were right, you know. Will told Mum I’d be better off without her in my life.’

  He shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry. I had a feeling he had something to do with it after you told me he’d given her a lift back from the party. It couldn’t be a coincidence you haven’t heard from her since that night.’

  ‘I realise now she never thought she was good enough for me,’ I say. ‘To have Will confirm that to her…’ I shake my head. ‘I think she was just exhausted with it all. It was easier to simply walk away, just as she did when she and Dad argued that last time. Nothing in her life ever made her feel wanted or deserving of love. I never made her feel wanted. Why hang around?’

  I feel the weight of everything pressing down upon me and put my face in my hands, starting to sob. Sam puts his arm around me and I lean against his shoulder.

  ‘Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.’ We pull apart to see Will standing a few metres away, watching us with crossed arms. ‘Let me guess, you knew each other before you came out here?’

  I stand. ‘Of course we didn’t. I was upset, Sam was just comforting me.’

  Will raises an eyebrow. ‘Comforting. Is that what they call it now? Come on, Louise, admit it. You saw him at some gig or other, started emailing him and came out here to meet him. That’s the way it happens, isn’t it?’

  ‘We didn’t know each other until two days ago,’ Sam says, his voice weary.

  ‘Rubbish,’ Will snaps. ‘Why else would you be so keen to run away from the father of your children, Louise?’

  ‘Father?’ I find myself saying. ‘What kind of father have you been the past few years, not spending one moment alone with the girls until this week? You go on about my mum not being in touch but what about you? You’d rather spend weekends away with some tart at work than take the girls away.’

  Sam’s eyes widen and Will does what he always does: opens his mouth i
n mock-indignation.

  ‘Don’t try to deny it,’ I say before he has a chance to speak, feeling the burden lifting from my shoulders as I finally admit what I know in my heart. ‘God knows I’ve denied it the past few years, but not any more. And as for why I came here, why do you think? For my mum, for Christ’s sake!’ I shout that bit out, making people in the distance turn to stare, all the resentment over the years about the way Will’s dismissed Mum, the way everyone does, bubbling to the surface. ‘You really don’t get it, do you? Despite everything you’ve seen today, the way this island’s been torn apart, you still don’t get it. My mum’s missing and the chances are, she’s dead. And yet still, a few hours after we heard about the tsunami on the news, still you pretended like nothing happened.’

  My voice breaks and Sam steps close to me.

  ‘I don’t get it?’ Will says, waving the envelope in front of me. ‘Then why have I gone to all these lengths to get this information for you?’

  ‘Don’t you mean the lengths Niran went to?’ Sam asks softly.

  Will turns to him. ‘Oh fuck off, you New Age loser.’

  I feel a burst of anger. ‘How dare you speak to Sam like that? He does more for people’s lives than you bloody do!’ I put my hand out. ‘Hand that envelope over.’

  ‘Why should I give it to you? You’re clearly not grateful for the work I’ve done here.’

  ‘This is my missing mum we’re talking about,’ I say, trying to keep my voice calm. ‘You’ve already ruined things between us; don’t ruin my chance of finding my mum.’

  ‘Ruined things between us? If you mean those text messages you found—’

  ‘Not just that! I can’t believe what you said to my mum, Will! You know how vulnerable she was.’

  ‘I did it because I love you.’

  ‘Did you really?’ I ask. ‘Or did you do it for you? I saw how annoyed you were when Mum argued with your director in front of your parents. It was neater if she was out of the picture, right?’

  Will doesn’t say anything and I know I’m right.

  ‘You know what?’ he says, looking me up and down. ‘I don’t care. You’ve changed and I don’t like it, not one little bit. I should never have come here.’ He shoves the envelope into my hand. ‘Here, don’t say I didn’t try to help you.’ Then he strides away.