The One

by Danielle Allen

  God, this must be what the other women feel like when they are around us.

  My heart broke as he laughed. He ran his hands over her back as he hugged her tightly. She lifted her head from his chest, but kept her arms firmly in place. Julian looked down at her and then over her head. I tried to follow his line of vision, but the corner of the house was blocking my view. He looked down at her face again and hesitated.

  Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.

  He pressed his lips to hers and a piece of me broke. A little small piece of me chipped off and died. I didn’t even know I had reacted outwardly until the producer put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied shakily. In truth, I was heartbroken. I dropped the curtain back into place and started to walk away. “Thanks for the heads up.”

  I went upstairs and it wasn’t until Mya came in thirty minutes later that I realized that she was waiting for me.

  “Where did you disappear to?” She asked with her hands on her hips. “What did Leah’s handler want?”

  I peered at her from under my comforter. “Wait, what? That was Leah’s producer?”

  She nodded.

  That’s why he wanted to show me that! That makes so much more sense now.

  “He wanted to intimidate me.”

  “What?” Mya’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

  “He just wanted me to know that Leah is the frontrunner.”

  “Well it makes sense that Julian is into her.” Mya sat on the edge of her bed looking a little dejected. “She looks exactly like his ex. If nothing else, we know that Julian is attracted to her.”

  “Yep.”

  “But what gets me is that she has a bad attitude. She’s rude and condescending and snobby.” She let out a frustrated laugh even though her eyes were watering. “But Lillian was the same way so maybe she’s perfect for him. I don’t even know why I bother at this point. I should just give up and go home.”

  I didn’t have it in me to be encouraging since I was stuck in my own feelings. So I kept it simple and said, “I feel where you’re coming from. If you want to stay, you should stay.”

  “That’s easy for you to say,” she snapped.

  I closed my eyes and let out a loud sigh. I am not in the mood to have this conversation.

  “It’s not easy for me to say, but I’m telling you that I understand where you’re coming from and that you have to make the best decision for you.” My tone was even, even though it felt like she was baiting me.

  Mya’s frustration seemed to mix with a bit of jealousy as she unleashed on me. “You have no idea what it’s like. Julian validates you. He makes sure you know you’re important. He goes out of his way to seek you out. He is always looking at you. He is always finding reasons to touch you. So, excuse me if I don’t want to hear ‘I understand’ from you!”

  I sat up in bed, irritated. “Listen Mya, I understand that you’re upset, but right now is not the time. I’m really trying not to say anything I’m going to regret so I need you to take that bullshit somewhere else.”

  Mya stood up. “Gladly!”

  She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  My only friend in the house has just lost her damn mind.

  Koko won’t be back until tomorrow and I’ll have to wait all damn day for a legit reason to go to makeup and see her.

  And Julian…fucking Julian.

  I tried to push thoughts of him out of my head, but I couldn’t stop seeing him with Leah, holding her, kissing her. I squeezed my eyes shut and still, that’s all I could see. I tried to will myself to sleep, but Lillian’s words floated through my head, giving sound to the disturbing visual images.

  He’s going to choose that poor man’s version of me, Lena, Leah, whatever. And then once this show is over, we will be together again.

  It was a long night.

  *****

  Chapter 14

  I held my champagne glass to my lips and let the cold bubbly cool my warm insides. Sitting on the bench under the romantic stone archway, I looked at the ivy twisted around the structure. It looked real, but I knew it wasn’t.

  Like this show.

  I shook off the negative thoughts that had plagued me for twenty-four hours. It affected my sleep pattern which prompted me to question if I wanted to stay in the competition. It affected my relationship with Mya which was how I was able to pack my bags without her knowing, just in case. It even affected my performance on the group date earlier in the day.

  It was a cool date. We took a guided tour through the abandoned zoo at Griffith Park. Julian seamlessly weaved among us. With my sunglasses on, I paid close attention to how he interacted with everyone else. The hand on the lower back, the arm slung over the shoulders, and the smile. His smile was my kryptonite and that alone pissed me off even more.

  When we were together, we held hands and discussed the stops on the tour. Julian told me that he could see it in my eyes that something was wrong. I told him I’d tell him at the cocktail party because I didn’t want to ruin the vibe of the date. I could tell that my answer bothered him, but he didn’t press it. He still made his rounds, always coming back to me and holding my hand. By the fourth time, we didn’t talk at all. We held hands and he stared into my eyes until they watered with the hurt I felt.

  Needless to say, when the tour guide selected the winner for the one-on-one dinner date, it wasn’t me. I wasn’t surprised at all. I was surprised; however, that he selected Leah. She didn’t do anything to warrant the win, but I suspected the creator of the show had something to do with it.

  So even if I wasn’t already in my head about Julian and Leah, after we returned from the date, I spent the rest of the day in the house listening to the other women complain about Leah getting the first one-on-one date and what that meant. It was hard to listen to, but when I retreated to my room, it was all I could think about.

  When I talked to Koko during my makeup session, I told her everything and her advice was to somehow get away from the cameras and turn off the microphones and really talk. I didn’t know if that was going to be possible, but we both agreed that I couldn’t say everything I needed to say on camera or with a live mic.

  As I sat alone on the stone bench under the romantic archway, I looked absolutely fabulous in a backless emerald green gown. My hair was pinned up in an elaborate way that elongated my neck and highlighted the sexiest part of the dress. I felt beautiful on the outside and like a hollow mess on the inside. I felt the emotional breakdown starting to happen and I refused to look like Samantha, who had been crying off and on since Lillian’s arrival the day before.

  I waited until Samantha started crying and Tori and Emma got into an argument over something Leah said and I turned off my microphone and slipped away unnoticed.

  What do I really have to cry about? I did this to myself. I was just supposed to come here and meet him. I was just supposed to come here and pick his brain about his work. I was just supposed to be on one show so that I wouldn’t be a liar. I wasn’t supposed to develop feelings for him. I wasn’t supposed to…

  Instead of finishing my thought, I finished my third glass of champagne. Sitting the empty glass on the ground beside me, I took a deep breath. It was the first time all day a camera wasn’t hovering around me. I felt like I was able to be emotionally free like I needed to be without someone watching me, judging me, speculating, or assuming. What I shared with Julian was deep. To think that I was wading in the deep end on my own wrecked me. To have it wreck me on national television would be far too humiliating for me.

  I put my hand in the pocket of my gown and felt for the letter I’d written. I breathed a sigh of relief that it was there. The thought of it ending up in the wrong hands made my skin crawl.

  No one could begin to understand. I didn’t understand.

  It was just seven days ago that we met, but Julian and I instantly had this rare bond that fast-tracked
our intimacy. We just clicked and it was like we’d known each other our entire lives. We didn’t have to be anyone or anything other than who we were as our unguarded selves. I’d never experienced that before.

  What I was feeling made no sense due to the time period we’d known each other. But I was also aware that everything was heightened by the lack of connectivity with the outside world. The One created a scenario that deliberately forced the acceleration of feelings or presumed feelings.

  Everything I did in the house for the last seven days straight was focused on him. The other contestants and I were given nothing to do but drink, talk and think about a man twenty-four hours a day for days on end. The goal was always focused on getting us to generate feelings for him. And I knew that coming in. I knew that and I was determined to avoid the slippery slope that led to embarrassing breakdowns and everything that made for must-see TV. But for a second, after the most mind-blowing series of orgasms I’d ever experienced and a look that stole my heart, I let myself hope.

  I always knew this was a possibility, I told myself, closing my eyes. At the end of the day, there are a lot of us and one of him. He has a choice where our only choice is to stay or leave.

  Unfamiliar emotions swirled within me and I felt my eyes filling with tears. I inhaled deeply. The sound of women laughing and talking was faint and far away. With no distractions, no witnesses, no cameras, no clues, I was able to breathe. I was able to let out how I felt as the first of hundreds of backed up tears I refused to shed trickled down my cheek.

  This is too much. I have to leave.

  “Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.”

  The deep sound of Julian’s voice woke up all of my senses. His presence pulled something out of me that I couldn’t explain. Wiping the tear away as quickly as possible, I looked up at him, just high enough to avoid making eye contact.

  God, he’s beautiful.

  The things that man could do with a tux were unbelievable. His body was made for clothes…and for nakedness.

  His body is incredible. And he’s incredible. And—nope. Focus. Just breathe.

  “Hey,” I said, forcing myself to sound as normal as possible.

  He was on me before I knew it. Pulling me up from the bench, I was wrapped in his arms before I had time to process. I inhaled his scent and my eyes fluttered closed briefly.

  Putting his forehead to mine, he searched my eyes and I had to look away. “Zoe, what’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

  I stared at his mic, tapping it.

  “I turned it off when I saw you sitting over here.”

  I took a shaky breath and gripped his biceps. I was overwhelmed and off-balance. “Can we sit down please?”

  He ran his hands down my bare back and I shivered. “Yes, of course.”

  Holding my hand, he waited until I was seated before straddling the bench, facing me. I stared straight ahead and I felt his eyes on me. My body heated under his gaze and I let my eyes close, relishing in it. I didn’t know how much longer it was going to last.

  Julian spoke first, still running his fingertips up and down my spine. “Is this about Lillian? Because she’s—”

  “It’s not about Lillian. Well, not completely,” I interrupted, still staring at the ivy. I let my head fall back as I blinked back tears. “How’s the album coming along?”

  “The album? I’m sure we don’t have much time alone. Do you really want to know about the album?” I heard the anxiety in his voice. The hand that rubbed my back dropped off of me and I felt the loss immediately. But the hand that held mine squeezed tighter. I still didn’t respond so he sighed. “The album is almost done. I have a couple of songs that I need to record so I can add them.”

  “Did you come on the show to find love or to promote your album?”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him gaping at me. I knew I was good at burying the lead, but it seemed like he was more taken aback by the fact that I had to ask the question as opposed to the actual question.

  “I knew Lillian had something to do with this,” he muttered under his breath, scooting closer to me. “I don’t know what Lillian said to you, but my manager told me about The One gig while I was in Nashville recording. My manager asked me if I wanted to do it and I flat-out said no. She was around when he told me it would be good for my career. I said I’d consider it based on the audience numbers and potential for branding, marketing, and product placement. When I initially considered it, yes, it was a business opportunity. But I didn’t sign the contract until after I did research and read about how some of these guys actually found something real. I watched an episode and I agreed to do it. I thought if I didn’t meet anyone, at least it would be good promo for my album. But I’m here for the right reasons. Especially after meeting you.”

  I believed him. Without even looking at him, I felt his sincerity through the way he spoke and the way he gripped my hand.

  I nodded. “I believe you.”

  “Why would you let an ex that I barely speak to put doubt in your head about me?”

  “It’s not like that, not exactly. She just kept talking shit before she left and then I saw the way some other things played out and…” I shook my head as my voice broke off.

  A silent sob threatened to ripple through my body, but I swallowed it back down. I knew Julian felt it roll through me by the way his hand protectively rubbed my back and shoulders as I shook. I closed my eyes tightly to keep the tears at bay.

  Exhaling, I pushed forward. “I have feelings for you. Real feelings. And I can’t explain it and I don’t understand it, but I have them.”

  “You know I feel the same way.” He let go of my hand and reached out and gently turned my head his way. “Like I told you the other day, whatever this is between us, I feel it and I’ve felt it since I pretended to be a cater waiter. There’s something real here.”

  Having him say those words to me, while looking in my eyes, pushed me over the edge. My bottom lip quivered and I bit it to stop. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I tried to turn my head away from him before any fell, but he held me in place.

  “Don’t hide from me, Zoe,” Julian uttered in a painfully soft voice, causing my breath to hitch.

  A tear fell, slipping down my cheek. The look on his face when he saw it broke my heart. The confusion, the fear, the frustration and the hurt that I felt played out over his handsome features. Using his thumb, he wiped the tear from my cheek.

  “Zoe…” My name on his lips sounded like a plea. I heard him, but his voice was competing with the sound of my heart beating like a drum.

  I broke and a shuddering intake of breath forced at least two more tears to fall before I managed to pull myself together to continue. “This situation is too much for me. You’ve made me vulnerable. And you can’t be vulnerable in a situation like this. It’s too risky.”

  His finger stroked the curve of my cheek. “I’m in this with you.”

  “Are you?” I questioned so softly I thought he didn’t hear me at first.

  When I felt his body stiffen, I knew not only had he heard me, I’d hurt him. And hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. He didn’t answer for a second, chewing on his bottom lip.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t question how I feel about you.” He let go of my face and ran both of his hands through his hair. “I’m in…I’m in this, Zoe.”

  I ran my fingertip under both of my eyes to ensure that my eyeliner didn’t run even though I knew they only used long lasting, water resistant makeup specifically for dramatic cries and emotional breakdowns.

  My face trembled as I stared into the greys of his eyes. I gestured between the two of us. “No, I’m in this. For you and only you.”

  He grabbed my face, bringing it an inch or two away from his. “Are you listening to me? I’m sitting here telling you that I want you and only you. I…” He gaped at me in disbelief and let his sentence trail off.

  His frustration with me and the situation was apparent.

  “You want me an
d only me?”

  His eyes squinted slightly and his eyebrows furrowed. He let my face go, returning his hand to my lower back. “Yes. That’s what I’ve been saying. You say this isn’t about Lillian, so what is this about?”

  “It’s about you and Leah.”

  “There is no me and Leah. She won the date. That’s it.”

  “So, did you kiss her?“

  He hesitated and my heart stopped. “I don’t have feelings for Leah.”

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Julian.”

  Resignation on his face, Julian shook his head. His jaw tightened. “How did you find out?”

  “Does it matter?”

  His eyes were closed as he nodded, fuming. The tension in his body was coming off of him in waves. “It does. It matters a lot. I was supposed to have more time to explain before you found out about it.”

  When his dark lashes flapped open, the pain in his eyes drew me in and punched me in the gut. “It didn’t mean anything,” he stated firmly.

  My heart throbbed painfully. I put my hand to his face and he leaned into my touch.

  “It didn’t mean anything,” he faintly repeated as his features slowly relaxed. “Robert and some producers told me in the treatment meeting that I needed to kiss her. Well, they said that I needed to show more affection to other women in the house. So, I said I’d do it. It wasn’t until later that they said it needed to be her. Others could come later. But that night, it needed to be Leah. Something about the numbers and ratings and I don’t know. So later, I…”

  His sentence trailed off. He put his hand over mine as it rested against his cheek. He turned his head to kiss the inside of my palm, giving me butterflies. Pulling my hand from his face, he intertwined our fingers.