“Okay,” he said slowly. He refused to look me in the eyes as he continued. “I’ve said everything that I could to you. I’ve laid it out as much as I possibly can. And you still want to walk.”
Pain lanced through my entire body because he was hurt and he still didn’t understand. But of course, he didn’t. Having the microphone on and having to be mindful of everything I was saying, made it difficult to express my feelings without making a fool of myself. “It’s not that I want to leave. It’s—”
“I get it. You don’t have to explain.”
I swallowed hard. “No, but I want to explain. It’s just hard putting myself out there like that.”
“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore. You’ve made up your mind to leave; I can’t do anything about it.” His tone had no inflection and he still wouldn’t look at me as he spoke.
I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. I leaned back to make him look at me, but he wouldn’t. “Julian, please.”
“What do you want me to say, Zoe?” His jaw clenched. “I kissed Leah and apparently I’ll be kissing other people over the next few days, weeks even, and you don’t want to put yourself at risk of…I don’t even know anymore.” His chest rose and fell rapidly.
My eyes watered. I knew if he would just look at me, he would get what I was trying to say. It hurt me to see that I hurt him. I turned off my mic and then hit the power button on his battery pack when he muttered, “I should probably get back to the women who actually want to be here.”
It felt like a slap in the face and I recoiled away from him. “What?” I couldn’t breathe.
Finally, he looked at me. Grabbing me and pulling me back into him, I saw the hurt in his eyes and I was pretty sure he could see the hurt in mine. Against his chest, I could feel his heart racing.
“I shouldn’t have said that. But I’m not going to beg you to stay, Zoe. If you don’t see—”
“Stop,” I murmured, shaking my head. “I just…it isn’t…I…” I stammered my way through the beginning part of three different sentences before my eyes started to sting with tears. I quickly blinked them away.
Maintaining eye contact with him, I lost the ability to speak. Without the fear of the mic, I thought it would be easier, but it wasn’t. My mouth opened and closed twice without a word escaping. We just stood there, breathing each other in. He searched my face and I searched his.
I just need to say it. Firm and to the point.
I placed my fingertips against his cheek. The contrast between his smooth skin and the prickliness of his stubble stimulated my nerve endings. I let the ends of my finger skate along his jawline and stop at his chin. My lips parted as I allowed my finger to move up and skim the curve of his mouth.
I’m going to miss the things he would say…and do with this mouth.
My heart fluttered, but I pushed past the nerves. “I’m leaving because I can’t handle watching you with other women. This thing between us is real. And I tried to deny how deeply I’m in this because it’s only been a week. But the truth is, my feelings have gotten to the point where I can’t just sit around and watch the man that…I can’t be here, even if you’re pretending with them. I…” Feelings I was trying to keep buried attempted to bubble up to the surface. I closed my eyes. It was hard for me to say because it was hard for me to believe. My voice broke. “I’m falling in love with you so I can’t do this show anymore.”
His eyebrows flew up in apparent surprise.
“Julian!” Robert Brady stormed into the room with a flurry of people and camera equipment with him.
Julian’s eyes jerked from me to the door. His hands fell away from my body and moved toward Robert, trying to meet him before the crew could get settled. “We just need a few more minutes. Please.”
“I have a show to do and you disappearing for an hour and now spending twenty minutes in the middle of my Bracelet Ceremony to focus on one woman. Did it make for a shocking moment when Zoe didn’t accept the charm? Yes. But then you disappear for almost thirty minutes. So I’m paying the salary of over a hundred people, but it’s possibly worth it because I’m getting good video and sound on this end, right? Wrong! It would be good TV if your microphones were on. But since you’ve turned them off, you are not only in breach of your contract, you’re wasting my money and my time!”
Julian’s eyes flashed angrily and I’d only seen that look on his face once—when he was blindsided by Lillian’s visit. “Robert, now is not the time. I’ve taken your shit because this is your show and I’m doing the best I can. But I’m tired of you trying to hold that over my head. The contract is to do the show. I didn’t guarantee anything beyond that.”
“Your contract guarantees you do a dating show, not a relationship show. You date multiple women, not one,” the series creator sneered, throwing his hands in the air. “Do you want another high profile lawsuit?”
Robert’s snub was clearly directed at me and I felt awful. There were about twenty production crew members gathered in the study and the silence that followed was deafening.
I don’t just need to leave the show for me. Clearly, I need to leave the show for Julian too. I don’t want to be the cause of anything bad happening to him. I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to get hurt. I bared my soul to him and… Was he about to freak out when I told him I was falling in love with him? Oh my God…This whole thing is a mess.
I backed away, my hand on the center of my belly as it twisted violently. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and as I watched what was happening before me, I knew it was in the best interest of both of us for me to leave. I let my adrenaline push me in the direction of the door.
“You don’t want to spend money on that, do you? Because I have enough money to keep you tied up in court for years.” Robert’s chest was puffed out and he was obviously trying to get in Julian’s head. The room was silent for a second before he deflated. “We still have three more weeks of shooting and we can get along just fine. But don’t waste my time or my money. Stick to the script.”
Julian was a few inches taller than Robert and way more muscular so I could see why he wasn’t intimidated by the smaller man. His eyes were trained on Robert and his voice was almost menacingly low as he warned, “We know what this is really about and I’m not going to tell you again. Your script is a suggestion. You’re not going to make my decisions for me.”
I’d heard enough. With the no one paying any attention to me, I snuck out of the room, out of the mansion, and out of the competition.
I quit The One.
*****
Chapter 15
I was dropped off at Sway Luxury Resort Hotel where I was expected to be holed up until The One finished airing. When I rushed out of the mansion hours before, I thought I was going to jump in the limo and be taken home.
Unfortunately, the limo driver called someone in production and they picked me up in a golf cart and whisked me down the long driveway. Twenty minutes later, a camera crew arrived on a cart.
Jamie hopped off of the back and brushed her short hair back into place. “Hi Zoe. We have to do one for the road.” She turned and pointed to her lighting guy who flipped a switch and flooded me with artificial light. “That was quite the interruption back there. Why did you decide to break things off with Julian?”
“It wasn’t like that,” I answered honestly, looking around for my ride. “It’s complicated.”
“You and Julian seemed to get along really well so it was quite a shock when everyone learned that you were leaving.”
“It’s complicated.”
“A lot of people are saying that Leah is the one to beat. What do you have to say to that?”
“No comment.”
“If you had to pick someone for Julian, who would it be?”
I stared at Jamie for a long time, sadness coming over me quickly. Me, I thought, my heart sinking.
“I don’t want to answer any more questions,” I whispered, looking away fro
m them. I took a couple of steps into the road.
“That’s enough. We got what we need,” Jamie ordered, walking over to me.
The cameraman put his camera down and loaded it back into the case.
“Zoe,” Jamie put her hand on my elbow and I turned to her. “I know we got off to a rough start, but I’m glad you didn’t take my advice. I was rooting for you.”
My lips turned upward into a smile. “Thank you.”
She stepped closer and lowered her voice. “Just between me and you, you had this in the bag. The reason Robert Brady is so pissed off is because everyone can see that Julian Winters is crazy about you.”
After Jamie and the crew got up the driveway, a town car packed with my bags picked me up. An executive producer rode in the car with me and explained that for the next three weeks, I would be restricted to one floor of the hotel. The rooms were set up in a way to promote ultimate privacy to ‘grieve the loss of the relationship.’ But the common areas were open if we needed to talk to one another.
Although I had access to a television, no internet or phones were available to me. There was a community room with a full kitchen and fully stocked pantry, a small gym, laundry drop off, and a request bin for anything else. She explained that I had to attend the obligatory reunion special that aired the day after the live finale and that would be the next time I would get fresh air. Everything else she rattled off was exactly the same as the living conditions in the mansion.
I was shuffled into a private elevator and walked out into a well decorated hallway. The rooms were spaced out and allowed for a lot of privacy. I could hear a pin drop so I assumed I was alone. I made my way to my room, pulling my suitcases behind me.
After unpacking and taking a long, hot shower, I dropped into the king-sized bed as the adrenaline started to drain out of my system.
It was fight or flight.
When I was in the town car, I knew for sure my decision was fight. I was fighting for me and what I needed and I was fighting for things to be easier for Julian. But as I stretched across the bed, I worried my actions were more in line with flight than fight. I worried that I’d made the biggest mistake by walking away from Julian before we could finish our conversation. I justified leaving abruptly because he was going to be sued if I stayed around. But a small part of me felt like I left abruptly because I was scared of what his response to what I said would be.
If he said he was falling in love with me, I wouldn’t have left. I would’ve stayed and died a little each time I saw him with another woman. If he said he wasn’t falling in love with me, I would’ve died…of embarrassment, mortification, and a broken heart. There’s no win for me.
Seeing that it was approaching ten o’clock, despite my better judgment, I got out of the bed and wandered into the living room. I flipped on the TV and with the remote in my hand I had a decision to make.
Do I want to torture myself?
I sighed, knowing the answer before I even asked the question. Finding the channel that aired The One, I went into the small kitchenette area and grabbed a bottle of water and a bag of popcorn.
I made myself comfortable, but as soon as the theme music for The One started, I fidgeted. Everything about the situation was uncomfortable.
“How do people even watch this crap?” I muttered to myself as I moved around, unable to find a cozy spot on the couch.
When I heard the words ‘last time on The One,’ my stomach quivered. I watched with rapt attention as the highlights from Tuesday’s episode flashed across the screen followed by a direct roll into a shot of all of us after the first Bracelet Ceremony. After I went upstairs, Tori and her cronies sat downstairs and talked shit about me.
“Oh, you bitches,” I whispered.
I wasn’t surprised because they had started prior to me leaving to go to my room. But I was surprised that Mya stood there and said nothing. The first ten minutes of the episode seemed pretty consistent with what happened. I was pleased with the way I looked on TV. I looked good, I handled myself well, and I didn’t do anything to embarrass myself or my family.
Two weeks ago, that would’ve been enough. That was all I was expecting to get out of it. But I was ten minutes into the episode and I couldn’t turn it off. I was mainly intrigued by the one-on-one conversations, especially with Julian, and situations that I only heard about after the fact, like the big blow up that happened on Saturday while I stayed in bed.
I cringed as I watched Tori, Ana, and Tiffany rip into Mya as Leah watched with a sinister smile. I laughed as I watched Bailey strut into the room, taking the heat off of Mya so she could escape upstairs. I stopped breathing for a second when Julian first came on the screen and then my heart went wild.
Dammit.
As the Sunday Trivia Date at Saul’s Den replayed on the screen, I realized it was edited. Although it still caught Julian checking me out, it didn’t show the frequency of our flirtation. But most notably, there was a moment in which Bailey’s entire breast almost fell out and Julian and I looked at each other at the same time. It was doctored to look like he was staring at Leah and having a moment with her.
How do they get off stealing my moment with Julian and giving it to Leah because she couldn’t generate her own?
My anger faded away as they captured the two-on-one date. The editing department did a good job of making it seem as though Julian split his attention between Bailey and I equally. Remembering the moment, I pulled my knees up to my chest and gazed at the TV like a lovesick puppy.
I miss him.
The after the date interview with Bailey was hilarious. The after the date interview with me caught me by surprise. I thought I was playing it cool when I answered the question about the connection between me and Julian. My voice was steady, but I might as well have had hearts in my eyes and a damn ‘I love Julian’ t-shirt on my body.
I dropped my head into my hands as I groaned. My head snapped up quickly when I heard Julian’s voice.
***
“I had a really good time tonight. Bailey is pretty, sweet, and fun to be around. Zoe is…”
He smiled into the camera and he appeared to get lost in his thoughts.
“Zoe is special. She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, and deep. I love the way she thinks. She’s…”
He nodded, biting his bottom lip.
“She’s a good one. She’s a keeper.”
He stammered as he corrected himself, widening his eyes.
“They—they are keepers. Both of them.”
***
The rest of the episode encompassed a fight I didn’t know about between Tori and Emma, a montage of Bailey dancing in her bikini, and the group date at the recording studio. Although I had no doubt that the rest of America was rolling their eyes with me as the screen showed Ana’s panic attack. She was gasping for air and the moment Julian picked her up to carry her out of the bathroom, she was breathing just fine.
During the playing of our songs, the camera caught Julian and I staring at one another. But when he winked at me, they zoomed in on a smiling Bailey. I noticed a lot of the moments Julian shared with me from across the room were edited to appear as though he was looking at other women.
The show only spent five minutes on the awkwardly hilarious two-on-one date with Samantha and Emma. It was funny because it just showed time lapsing as Emma talked. It kept cutting to Julian and Samantha who were just sitting there looking bored not saying a word.
Even though the two-on-one date happened after the Bracelet Ceremony, the date was shown first. The two-hour episode ended with the Bracelet Ceremony and I watched Julian’s face. Maybe I was biased, but I didn’t think he looked at anyone the way he looked at me.
As the ending credits rolled and outtake clips played, I saw me and Julian at the kitchen table staring at one another. My heart clenched and even when they moved on to other clips, I was still thinking about Julian. Not that I’d ever really stopped, but seeing his face made me wish I was able to redo the
last six hours.
I didn’t know what I would do differently, but I knew the heartache that had started to set in was threatening to make me cry. I shouldn’t have watched, but I couldn’t help myself. When it said tune in on Tuesday for the next episode of The One, I knew I would.
I turned off the television and then dragged myself to bed. I was ready to feel the hurt and disappointment that I felt after Tate. But it didn’t come. Instead, I felt hollow and completely empty. Tate wanted to be free so he could date around with new women that success brought him. Julian wanted to be with me but he was obligated to date around with new women due to his contract. I didn’t expect Tate to do what he did and even though I did expect Julian to date around, I didn’t expect to catch feelings for him. With Tate I felt hurt and disappointment and after it was over, I didn’t miss him. With Julian I felt loss and emptiness and a complete denial that it was over.
This is for the best. At the end of the day, this is for the best.
I had to remind myself that it was for the best when I woke up the very next morning, but without any remnants of adrenaline in my system, it was harder to believe. I hardly left the bedroom for the next two days. Friday and Saturday were a blur of waking up, wallowing in my feelings, showering, continued wallowing in bed, and then restless sleep. I read and reread Julian’s poem while alternating between crying and resisting the urge to cry. I didn’t leave my suite at all. On Sunday, I at least sat in the living room. I tried reading my book of Pablo Neruda poetry, but when I got to the poem, Absence, I broke down and cried. I was emotional partly because of the beauty of the poem, but mostly because that poem was what was written on the note I snuck into Julian’s pocket.
Is it normal or healthy to miss someone this much after such a short period of time? Is it normal to fall in love with someone in such a short period of time? The One is not normal. I don’t know what this show did to me, but this is not normal.
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