Tiffany dropped her head into her hands. “And no one told me until later that night.”
“Not even your best friend Tori?” Emma’s voice was dripping in sarcasm.
Tiffany snorted. “Not even my best friend Tori.” She looked over at us. “One-on-one, Tori really is a sweet person. I don’t know what it is about groups that make her turn into a bit of a bitch, but she was so different when it was just the two of us.”
The five of us watched as Julian and Tiffany made it back to the table. Tiffany was glowing as her smile grew twice as wide. Julian went straight for his beverage and gulped it down.
“Oh they didn’t even show when he kissed me!” Emma complained when the screen filled with images of them leaving as a group. As the commercial break started, she added, “The kiss was nice.”
“Finish telling us why you didn’t want Julian, who is arguably the sexiest man alive, to pick you?” Samantha asked. She tucked her hair behind her ear and stared at Emma as if she had two heads.
“No, it’s not that I wouldn’t have wanted Julian to pick me. Did you see his ass? Of course I would’ve liked him to pick me. But he had already picked who he wanted. I want a man who looks at me like I’m his world. I don’t just want someone who tells me I’m special. I want someone who looks at me like I’m special. He didn’t look at me like that.” Emma pulled her legs up onto the loveseat she was sitting on. “I’ll be thirty at the end of next month and I know what I want. So, I’m not saying that Julian and I couldn’t have grown into loving one another. But when you see the guy you’re dating look at someone else in that special way, you already know who he wants. It’s just a matter of accepting it.”
Samantha stuck out her tongue at me. “I saw him look at Zoe like that too and I still told myself I had a chance.” She smiled. “But you’re absolutely right, Emma.”
“Thank God someone brought it up!” Tiffany flipped around from her chair closest to the TV, her red hair flying around her shoulders. “I didn’t know what the deal was here and we were all getting along so I didn’t want to rock the boat.”
Everyone was staring at me. I looked around the room uncomfortably. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell us what happened between you and Julian,” Emma insisted. “I know it had to be something big because you left the show. The producer I worked with told me that Julian got into a big fight for Zoe, but then he said he’d already said too much and wouldn’t tell me anything else.”
“Holy crap! A fight?” Samantha squeaked, putting her hands to her cheeks. “Did you know this?”
“Please spill,” Nicole begged, her hands clasped together in front of her. “You did not say anything about a fight!”
I rubbed my eyes and groaned. “I don’t know what to say. I really don’t. It’s hard to explain even if I wanted to.”
“Just tell me this… did you two know each other before the show?”
“No!” I shook my head profusely. “Someone else asked me that, too. We just really clicked when we met each other. We had a really good series of conversation and then…” My sentence trailed off and I shrugged. I felt my lips curling up on the ends and even though I tried to stop it, talking about Julian never failed to make me either extremely happy or extremely sad. “I will say that whatever it was between us felt real to me.”
“Real like you like him a lot or real like you love him?” Tiffany inquired, eyebrows sitting in the middle of her forehead.
I glanced at Nicole to see if she had anything to do with the line of questioning. She hadn’t said anything about me loving Julian after I avoided her question on Tuesday. She frowned, discreetly shaking her head.
My heart hammered in my chest at the idea of saying how I felt out loud to people who weren’t Koko. I didn’t owe them an explanation so I wasn’t required to tell them anything. But the fact that they saw what I saw only strengthened my resolve that what Julian and I had was real.
But that’s the thing, my heart and my mind are in a constant battle. In my heart, from the depths of it, I know how I feel. I know how I felt with Julian. And even if the words weren’t enough, I know how he looked at me. But at the same time, as the practical, law-minded, daughter of Elise Jordan, I don’t believe in fairytales or love at first sight…or taking risks where the odds aren’t in my favor. Even if a little part of me thought that the house, the environment, the competition, exasperated my feelings, the fact that they hadn’t gone away should tell me something. Although, technically, I am still in the same boat as I was in the mansion, where I am trapped in living quarters with women who dated the man I have feelings for.
“…on the spot! Just tell us why you left,” Emma offered.
I missed the entire beginning of her question.
You know what? Fuck it. I’ll just tell the truth. What will it hurt? Who will know? They can’t talk to anyone just like I can’t talk to anyone.
“It was real. I felt it. He felt it,” I answered, looking at the television as Julian’s face flooded the screen as The One came back on.
“So why did you leave?” Samantha asked. “He was so hurt. I mean really upset.”
“Samantha!” Emma cut her off sharply. She turned her face toward me. “It was—”
“No, finish,” I interjected, looking between the two of them.
They were both silent so Tiffany jumped in. “Fine, I’ll say it. Julian was pissed. He apparently didn’t know you left for good until they started taking your luggage out. And then he went off. The Bracelet Ceremony started at…” she looked at Emma and then Samantha hoping they’d fill in. They didn’t so she continued, “I don’t know how late it got started, but it was late. He looked hurt. I mean, I didn’t see him cry, but there were whispers that there were tears involved. I’m not really into men that cry, but I’d make an exception for those grey eyes.”
“I love a sensitive man!” Nicole spoke up.
“See, what I loved about his reaction was that Julian wasn’t just upset for no reason. He was upset because the one got away. The one. That’s what I’m looking for. Someone who fights for me and cries for me,” Emma sighed, giving me a swoony smile. “I don’t know why you left Zoe, but I hope it was a damn good reason.”
I stared at the TV, rooted to my seat.
I fell in love with him. That’s the beginning and the end of it. I left because I fell in love with him. I left because the idea of seeing him with other women was too much for me. I left because if he wants me like he says he does, we will be together. He said that at the end of this, I am who he will be taking home. So in a couple weeks, he’ll pick Bailey and then no one will get hurt and she will get her shot at fame when they “breakup” and we will be together. That’s what he said he wants to happen. Well that’s what he said before I left abruptly without a real goodbye.
“I know he didn’t want me to leave the show.” My voice came out in a hushed tone. Someone turned down the TV volume to hear me better. “But if I had to witness him kiss or touch or flirt or talk to any of you first-hand, a piece of my heart would break each time. And he was contractually obligated to date each of us so it was bound to happen.”
I didn’t mention the way Robert Brady pretty much forbade Julian from being with me.
“Do you think—crap! Next commercial break we are all over this,” Emma exclaimed as she lifted the remote higher and turned the volume back up.
We watched as Julian and Leah sat down on the bench under the archway wrapped in ivy. They talked about places they’d traveled. As they discussed what they loved about different cities and Julian talked about his time in Italy, Leah leaned forward and kissed him. At first, Julian looked taken aback, but then his body relaxed. I swallowed hard. The kiss was different than the kisses he’d shared with other contestants. The other kisses seemed like work, seemed like he was doing what he had to do. That kiss with Leah seemed like pleasure.
My heart plummeted and my stomach twisted into knots. It felt like my insides h
ad attempted to escape my body. The knife I felt wasn’t necessarily in my back, but more so straight through the chest.
I need to stop watching this show.
“The music is making this seem way more romantic than it is,” Nicole pointed out, obviously trying to lessen the blow.
No one else said anything as we watched Julian and Leah share a long kiss. When they pulled apart, the camera focused on their mouths only. She smiled and he smiled back. Although it didn’t show their eyes, I figured they were staring romantically at one another.
Probably the same way he would stare at me when we’d kiss.
I tried not to freak out. Every curse word that tried to bubble from my mouth, I swallowed back down. As the toilet paper commercial’s dancing puppy appeared, I felt vulnerable and exposed. But mostly, I was embarrassed. If I would’ve waited until the end of the show to respond to their questions, I wouldn’t have felt so humiliated by Julian’s betrayal. I would’ve felt devastated internally. But I wouldn’t have felt so much like a stereotype externally.
This is why I don’t want to keep talking about Julian with them. The environment made me feel like what we had was special, but I’ve been gone a week and he’s already moved on. And actually, this wasn’t even taped tonight, so he must have moved on a few days ago!
As the final moments of the show featured Tiffany’s exit, everyone started turning toward me.
“I’m going to head to bed,” I announced, untucking my legs from under me and attempting to get off of the comfortable couch.
“Hey, wait,” Nicole said, reaching out for me. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, avoiding eye contact with everyone. “Yeah.”
Nicole rose to her feet, looking at me. “Leah is sneaky and manipulative.”
“Exactly, Julian isn’t going to fall for her or her bullshit,” Tiffany chimed in, kicking her feet in the air. “Do you know what Julian said to me before I got into the limo? After the conversation that they just showed, he asked the cameras to go away and he turned off our mics and told me that if I wanted my ex-boyfriend back, I should fight for him.”
“What?” Samantha asked dreamily, her eyebrows pulling together curiously. “I love stuff like this! Start at the beginning.”
Tiffany glanced at Samantha, putting her pointer finger up. “One second.” She looked back at me. “The morning I left, Tori, Ana, and I were drinking and having a conversation that Leah walked in on. We had been talking about a lot of personal stuff since the cameras weren’t around. When Julian said the thing about my ex, I asked him where he got that from. He said from Leah. So, FYI, Leah may have been gossiping to Julian about all of you bitches.”
“Julian is not going to fall for a girl who gossips and is so obviously only interested in herself,” Nicole joined in. “He’s not.”
“She looks just like his ex,” Samantha said. “If he still wanted to be with his ex, he would be with his ex. He wouldn’t be with that carbon copy.” She looked around at us. “Right?”
“Right!” Nicole stared at me. “Don’t worry about that kiss. You and Julian kissed on the first night and it was way hotter than that.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” I lied, my voice cracking as I said it. I flashed them all a smile. “I’m just going to head to bed. It’s late. I’ll see you all in the morning. Goodnight!”
Nicole clearly didn’t believe me, but she smiled anyway. “Goodnight, Zoe. I’m around if you need me.”
When she said that, it made my eyes sting. I knew I needed to leave immediately.
“Goodnight!” Everyone called out happily as I waved heading out of the common area.
Julian and Leah?
My heart was racing. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I wanted to cry. The only thing that was keeping me from crying was the fact that I hadn’t made it to my room yet. I knew they were trying to make me feel better, but I saw the way Julian relaxed into that kiss. It was almost as if he gave in to her while simultaneously giving up on us.
I’d gotten all the way down to my room when I remembered that I needed to grab a few more bottles of water. Turning around, I made my way back toward the common area when I heard Emma’s voice.
“Something changed with Julian after Zoe left. It was like he had checked out. The way he looked at her, he didn’t look at Leah like that. But—”
I stopped in my tracks. Does she know something?
“I know! It was irritating while we were on the show because I felt like I wasn’t getting my fair shot. But no longer being in that environment, I think it’s really sweet,” Samantha interjected thoughtfully.
“But I think Zoe broke him or something and maybe Leah wore him down. It wasn’t like it was with Zoe, but there was something happening between Julian and Leah. I think he might be gravitating toward her because of Zoe leaving. I don’t think he likes Leah like that or anything, but I think he’s trying to deal with the whole being dumped on TV thing,” Emma continued.
“Do you think the thing between them is love or lust?” Tiffany asked, her voice full of wonder. She sounded legitimately curious. “I’ve never known anyone to fall in love at first sight.”
“Love, definitely,” Nicole answered quickly. “But more than that, I don’t think it’s any of our business to speculate what it is. Whatever it was, she is still clearly affected by it and from what you say, so is he. And we all saw what it was like when they were together. You can’t deny that.”
“That’s true.”
“I know the difference between love and lust,” I said, walking into the kitchen area. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water while they sat in stunned silence. When I turned to walk out, I looked at them. “It’s not lust.”
I walked out, temporarily satiated by shutting that conversation they were having behind my back down. But with each step to my suite, I kept thinking about what Emma said.
I broke him and drove him to Leah.
I’d unlocked my door and was about to walk in my room when the elevator dinged. Curiosity got the best of me as I held on to the door handle waiting to see who was getting off of the elevator.
Please be Leah. Please be Leah. Please be Leah.
I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding as I looked at the blonde woman dragging two huge suitcases. Dropping them with a bang, she flashed her bright blue eyes my way and smirked.
“Oh, look, it’s the bitch who ruined Julian Winters,” Tori sneered.
“And he still didn’t want you so what does that tell you?” I returned, my lip curling in disgust.
I walked into my room, slamming the door behind me. I made a beeline for my suitcase. Opening the front flap, I pulled out the Manilla envelope with my contract for The One inside.
I need to get out of here.
*****
Chapter 17
“I am going crazy,” Mya complained. “How did you guys manage to do this twice a week? I barely made it through Tuesday’s episode. Tonight, I’m going to be thinking, well next week is me.”
“Stop complaining! You got sent home after an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii. I got sent home after dive bar trivia,” Nicole scoffed, rolling her eyes.
As soon as Mya and I crossed paths, she ran up to me and threw her arms around me. We apologized to each other and it was like it never even happened. She admitted that she was a little envious of the connection that I had with Julian. I admitted that I didn’t have the authority to dictate how she acted. She apologized for hoping I’d go home and verbalizing that on camera. I apologized for insinuating that she was a sellout for following Jamie’s advice with no regard to the stereotype it would convey. From that moment on, when I felt like company, Nicole, Mya and I were inseparable.
Not that it was difficult to be inseparable on one floor of the hotel, but it’s the sentiment that counts.
I stood in the kitchen eating a yogurt, listening to Nicole drill Mya for information about her last few days in Maui.
If Tuesday’s episode was
when Emma was sent home, tonight’s episode has to be when Tori is being let go.
A smile played on my lips.
Tori had been a pain in everyone’s ass since the moment she arrived at Sway’s Luxury Resort Hotel.
It has been the longest seven day stretch of my life…and I’d been in hotel captivity for two weeks!
Unlike in the house, there was no big dramatic arguments or falling outs. Most of the women didn’t like Tori so Tori stayed to herself in her room. Even when she would come out, she didn’t stay long. Tiffany would split her time, but mostly, she would hang out with Tori.
Although Tori wasn’t as argumentative as she was in the house, she was still a bitch. Nicole and I acted as if she didn’t exist and countered her bitchiness with sarcasm and sass. Emma and Samantha steered clear of her altogether. And when Mya was cut on Monday in Hawaii, right before the home visit, she also acted as if Tori didn’t exist. But since we all were forced into this odd bonding experience, we all, to a certain extent, had become family.
We’re just really, really estranged from one of the members of the family.
“Why are you eating yogurt when I put cookies in the oven?” Tiffany said as she came into the common space.
I finished licking the spoon. “Because I wanted yogurt. And I’ll probably have a cookie, too.”
“Stress eating is not going to solve your problems,” Tori replied strolling into the kitchen with her workout gear on. “It may even add unnecessary weight to that already rotund ass of yours.”
“If it becomes a problem, I’ll just get the number for your plastic surgeon,” I replied gesturing to her surgically enhanced breasts as I threw away my empty cup of yogurt.
“But good use of your vocabulary words, Tori,” Mya chimed in, winking at me.
Those were the first words that Mya spoke to Tori since she’d arrived and everyone in the kitchen snickered.
Tori rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Are we going to watch The One tonight or not?”
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