Mya lifted her cup to me and I lifted my bottle of water back at her.
Nicole, Mya, Tiffany, Tori, Emma, Samantha, and I sat down in front of the TV and watched as Tori began the episode being the biggest bitch that ever lived. She wasn’t aware of it at the time, but the scene kept flipping back and forth between Julian watching her try to work with other people and cursing them out. It was probably funny to a large part of the audience to see Tori being outrageous, but I kept looking from the TV to Tori’s face and even she cringed.
Tori gave us insight on different things throughout the episode and it was interesting. She explained how her producer told her that everyone had a role to play and to think about all of the true female stars of reality TV. She started listing the most well-known stars from shows that feature wives of the housewife variety and other dysfunctional relationship shows and she was right, they were all known for being the biggest bitch of the cast. She told us that she’d always had a reputation for being a bitch, but watching the scenes of her yelling at people on the salsa date was hard.
“I’m a bitch, but not, like, a mega-bitch,” she explained, almost apologetically.
“Wait, was that an apology for the things you said at Salsa House? Because that shit wasn’t right,” Mya spoke up.
“What did she say?” Nicole asked, looking between the two of them.
“I was telling Leah and Bailey about my abuela and I told them this joke in Spanish that she loves to tell. And Tori started mocking my accent,” Mya answered, quirking her eyebrow.
My eyes widened. “You talked shit about her grandmother?”
“I’m sorry about that. I really am,” Tori apologized to Mya. She actually looked sincere as she glanced around the room. “I said I was sorry that night, too.”
“Yeah, after the cameras were gone,” Mya snapped.
The scene they were discussing played out on the screen and we were all riveted. What neither of them seemed to know was that Julian was in the next room talking to the manager and he heard the whole thing.
“Oh. My. God.” Tori sat straight up and her jaw looked like it was unhinged. “He heard that!”
By the Bracelet Ceremony, Julian didn’t need the cocktail hour to determine that Tori had to go.
“I can’t believe he heard that. He probably thinks I’m horrible!”
No one denied it.
As the promo for Tuesday’s episode teased about a vacation for the top four women, it flashed the faces of Mya, Bailey, Ana, and Leah.
Seeing Leah’s face reminded me of last Tuesday’s episode and how she was all over Julian.
And he wasn’t resisting her charms, either.
I’d cried after watching that episode…just like I’d cried after watching Thursday’s episode. The only reason I even agreed to watch Tori’s episode in the common area was because I’d run out of tears.
Seeing Julian kiss Mya on their one-on-one was weird and difficult. I looked just above the TV so that I didn’t have to actually see it, but I’d know when it was over.
And no one would know that it was hard for me to see.
He’d kissed the rest of the contestants with a little peck, which didn’t rub me the right way, but it didn’t make me emotional. There was one moment between him and Leah that hurt my heart, but it was foolish of me to think he would never hold another woman’s hand.
Blinking rapidly, I shook off my feelings and tried to focus on the conversations around me.
“Well clearly, you know who didn’t make it to the home visits,” Mya joked, an inkling of disappointment coated her joke.
“Yeah, well you made it further than any of us, so that’s a win!” Samantha cheered.
Emma was oddly quiet the entire episode. I looked over at her and she looked lost in her own thoughts.
“Are you okay over there, Emma?” I asked, leaning up to see her face.
“Yeah, I’m just thinking,” Emma pondered. “This episode was all about Julian and Mya. Mya got the charm first. Mya won the salsa dance challenge. Mya was attacked by the big bad bitch.” She pointed at Tori. “But Mya gets sent home the next episode. Do you think they are trying to throw us off track with who he’s picking?”
“Yes,” everyone replied in unison.
“That’s the whole point,” Tiffany clarified. “If you don’t know who’s going home or who Julian wants to be with, you’re more likely to tune in week after week.”
“It boils down to numbers,” I added.
“Doesn’t it always?” Nicole quipped.
We all dispersed soon thereafter, but Tori asked Mya to stay back. I waited until Mya nodded that she was okay before heading to bed.
As I climbed between the sheets, I grabbed my notebook. I flipped through the entries. Page after page of poetry and thoughts on love and life filled the gift that Julian gave me. Every single entry was about Julian. Even the ones that were hypothetically about what I want in a man were about Julian. The ones about loss and heartache were about Julian. Picking up my pen, like every other night, I wrote the things I wouldn’t say to anyone else. I wrote the thoughts I’d never admit to anyone. I wrote the words that my heart told me to write because in that small leather bound notebook, I was free.
I read the sentence I wrote repeatedly and when I closed my eyes, I continued to repeat the words from memory. From some hidden compartment I didn’t even know existed, a fresh wave of tears burst from underneath my eyelids. When I finally fell asleep that night, my pillow was soaking wet.
The next day, my pillow was as dry as my eyes. My journal was closed and hidden between two books on my nightstand. My heart was tattered and hurt, but hidden in my chest so no one would see it.
Days in the hotel were even more restrictive and boring than in the house because we couldn’t go outside. It was almost as if we had been taken hostage. So when something out of the ordinary would happen, we pounced on it. Unfortunately, most of the time, nothing out of the ordinary happened. But on Tuesday right after dinner, but before The One aired, we were drinking wine and watching a comedy when we heard the elevator ding. We’d discussed how it was weird that no one had arrived since Mya showed up a week prior. We figured that due to the home visits, maybe it was just taking a few extra days, but the suspense was killing us.
“Everyone cross your fingers that it’s Leah,” Nicole muttered under her breath as we all gathered down the hallway.
Everyone laughed.
But discreetly, I crossed my fingers.
“Hello ladies,” Robert Brady called out as he strolled down the hallway as if he were in a hurry. “How’s everyone doing today?”
We all exchanged pleasantries and then he rubbed his hands together.
“I’m here because one of the contestants, I won’t tell you who, is coming to the hotel later tonight. She was sent home on Saturday, but we gave her some time to spend with her family before having her fly back here to pack up her belongings.”
“Who is it?” Emma questioned, hands on her slim hips. “Come on, tell us. Who are we going to tell? We don’t have phones or computers!”
Flashing a large smile, Robert ignored her request. “This week is your last week here.”
We all cheered and clapped, causing him to laugh.
“Okay, okay, I get it.” He held his hands up. “But this final week is important. There are two more episodes that air—tonight’s episode and Thursday’s. Then, next Tuesday, all eight of you will be picked up by a limo and taken to Lot A over at Dramatization Studios where we’ll film the watch party reunion in front of a live studio audience.” He rubbed his hands together.
“Wait, watch party reunion? I thought the contract stated that we just needed to be at the reunion?” I asked, forcing my voice to sound as normal as possible.
Robert looked at me and I couldn’t tell if it was sympathy or annoyance in his eyes which just made me angrier. “The reunion is a combination of a live showing of the finale and a question and answer session with the
audience.” He paused. “It’s the same as all the other seasons.”
How would I know that?!?! I don’t watch shit like this! I grumbled silently.
I bit my lip to keep from exploding.
Now I’m going to have to watch Julian in a super cheesy romantic episode looking in someone’s eyes and telling her that she’s the one in front of a live studio audience. This is bullshit.
Robert said a few more things that I couldn’t focus on and then he left. Refilling our glasses, conversation ensued about who was likely showing up. I couldn’t participate in the conversation because I was still reeling from the thought of having to be back on camera and watching Julian declare his love for some other woman.
“We have five minutes!” Mya announced, corralling us into the living room.
I sipped my wine, but I needed something stronger. Unfortunately, when the cameras were present, they stocked the bar with all the vodkas, whiskies, and rums anyone could ever want for, but in the hotel, without the cameras, we only had red or white wine.
Just great.
I plopped down on the couch and Mya and Nicole sat down on either side of me.
“Are you okay?” Mya inquired.
Putting the glass to my lips, I nodded slowly.
“You don’t have to talk about it right now, but between now and Tuesday, get it all out so that we can go to the reunion and I don’t have to worry about you,” Nicole suggested.
With my eyes trained on the TV, I nodded again.
“It’s on!” Mya yelled since Tiffany was taking the cookies out of the oven. Looking around the room, she continued. “After the high of Thursday’s episode, let’s watch my fall from grace.”
After a conversation with the remaining women in the house, Julian wanted to see what it would be like to go on vacation with each of them. When they were told to pack everything because they were going to Hawaii, they screamed. He explained to them that once they arrived in Hawaii, they wouldn’t be going back to the house. From Hawaii, the final three would go home so Julian can meet their families. Then the final two would go to his home to meet his parents and he’d select the one.
Hearing him explain the process made my heart heavy.
As of right this second, there are two women left because Mya is sitting right here and any minute now, someone else is coming in. So over the course of this week, Julian and the two finalists will be coming back into town to meet his parents and then he will choose who he wants to be with. And I have to sit and watch in front of the audience who will be in the studio and the millions who will be watching at home. I’m fucking screwed.
The screen displayed picturesque aerial shots of Maui. The land, the water, and the people were incorporated to show the natural beauty. All four women joined Julian on a morning hike and when he left them, they seemed to get along a lot better without Tori around. But they were also much more emotional, crying about the attention he was giving the other women, complaining to him about feeling led on. Julian’s frustration and indecision played out in his conversations with the camera.
He planned special one-on-one dates with each of them. I was able to tolerate the dates with Bailey, Mya, and Ana. But when Julian picked Leah up for their date, I excused myself and went to my room. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it with other people.
Flipping on the TV, I sat on the couch in my darkened suite and watched as Julian gave Leah a lei made up of her favorite colors as they reached the beach.
Don’t let it be a romantic candlelit dinner for two on the beach.
When I saw the table with the starched white tablecloth and pink candles to match her lei, my eyes filled with tears. A trio consisting of a guitar player, ukulele player and a singer started playing as soon as they approached the table. Julian reached out for her hand and asked her to dance.
My heart thumped against my chest as I remembered our night together. I closed my eyes briefly as I remembered the way Julian pulled me into his arms and whispered in my ear. I remembered the way Julian looked at me, telling me how he felt about me with his eyes. I remembered the way his lips found mine, softly at first and then rough with desire. A tear slipped from beneath my closed lids.
Opening my eyes, I caught Leah and Julian kissing and it felt like I’d been shot. I felt gutted.
Julian escorted her to the table and pulled her chair out for her. He sat down across from her. They looked comfortable together as they made small talk. When the chef brought out food, they ate in what appeared to be comfortable silence.
I sighed. The most fulfilled I’d ever been was in the silent moments between Julian and I. Being able to hear how much he cared about me or desired me was amazing, but being able to feel it in the silence around us when it was just the two of us was indescribable.
He took her back to his suite for coffee and conversation; however, unlike with the other dates, I wasn’t sure if he’d slept with her. The other dates concluded and showed the women leaving. With Leah’s date, it just showed them kissing on the couch and then an outside shot of Julian’s suite. His muscular shadow stood in the balcony window for a second before he turned the lights out. After the commercial break, it was a Bracelet Ceremony on the beach.
I wanted to go out into the living room and ask Mya if she knew if Julian and Leah slept together. But I couldn’t move myself off of the couch. I felt numb. I didn’t know that I could possibly be in shock until I felt the tears dripping onto my chest as tears rolled down my face and dropped from my chin.
I was hurting. It was different than before. Before it was a more speculative pain whereas what I was subjected to at that point was definitive.
Julian and Leah…are together.
*****
Chapter 18
“He’s a lying sack of shit,” Ana wailed as she stomped through the kitchen holding two bottles of wine. She sat them down on the table.
Mya, Nicole, Samantha, Tiffany, Emma, Tori, and I sat at the conference room table with the paninis Nicole made sitting untouched on our plates as we stared at the Romanian beauty.
Ana arrived in the suites with a chip on her shoulder seven days ago and dramatically announced that she’d been robbed and that she wasn’t going to talk about it. She didn’t seem sad as much as she was angry. Every time we’d eat dinner together, she would let us know different things, little by little, and when we watched the episode in which she was sent home on Thursday, she was annoyed with that, too. She narrated the episode so passionately and so thoroughly that someone just muted the TV so she’d stop yelling. She kept almost telling us something and then ending the sentence with a squawking noise and punching the arm of the chair she was in. She was so over the top, yet had so much extra information that we didn’t realize that we actually missed most of that episode because she was so distracting.
It worked out for me because I didn’t want to see Julian and Leah together.
After a string of bad days, I’d promised Mya and Nicole I’d come out of hiding. Once I did, I was just as caught up with Ana’s story as everyone else was. The only thing I was able to piece together from her scattered information was that she had gotten some bad advice. She said that a couple of times and then wouldn’t elaborate. She would let us know a little bit of what happened each day and truly, I thought she just liked the attention. We had grown tired of daytime television and of being trapped so having a live-in soap opera was riveting.
It took her a whole week to admit what she had been alluding to, but with our determination to clean out their wine rack on our final day, she dropped a late lunch bombshell.
“I fucked him,” Ana admitted.
My mouth hung open, even though I wasn’t one hundred percent surprised. Everyone else gasped, shrieked and freaked out.
“How did you get away with it without anyone knowing?” Emma jumped up, hands in her hair. “There were cameras everywhere!”
“The cameras weren’t in the sun room and on nights that Julian had to do promo stuff, the ov
ernight shift was lax. Mainly just the editing guys.”
Tori leaned back in the chair, a smirk on her face. “So in order to get to the final three to be with Julian Winters, you fucked your producer? Isn’t that a little…slutty?”
“Hey!” Tiffany reprimanded, wagging a finger at Tori. “No slut-shaming. It was two consenting adults doing what they wanted to do.”
“Yeah…besides, you’ve done a lot more for a lot less, Tori!” Ana gave her a look. “But just to be clear, that asshole said that he could guarantee me top two! Julian is going to pick either Leah or Bailey…the way things were looking before I left, it’ll be Leah. So Leah gets Julian and Bailey gets her own show! That should either be my man or my show!” She took a gulp of the red wine.
Ahhhhh…I thought so!
I couldn’t say anything out loud or then I would have to explain where I was coming from at that hour. But when I heard the way he was talking to Ana, something felt off. And I thought I heard loud kissing noises.
Questions, comments and concerns swirled the room between bites of our sandwiches and swigs of wine. It wasn’t until we got an alert saying that the limo bus was coming to get us that we were distracted long enough to go get ready. Hair, makeup and wardrobe were going to be at the studio so besides shower, we didn’t really need anything.
Even though I was probably dreading going to the reunion the most, I was packed and ready to go and was the first one on the party bus. Everyone else followed in quick succession.
Putting my headphones in, I tried to zone out while listening to a mix between Tupac and Maroon 5. I needed the sharp transition between artists to mimic the jarring emotions inside of me.
I just have to hold it together for the rest of the day today and then I’ll be home and I can put all of this behind me. I got over Tate just fine and moved on with my life. I can get over Julian, I told myself as we pulled up to a gate.
Tori and Samantha had their faces pressed against the window in awe of being on a studio lot. Mya and Nicole never stopped their conversation with Emma and Tiffany. And Ana looked distressed. She stared out of the window, chewing one of her fingernails and bouncing her left leg up and down.
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