Letting Go

by Jessica Ruddick

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. You’re hot, you’re fun, you’re nice, and you’re smart. I would keep going, but I want your ego to fit in the theater.”

  I smiled. Who wouldn’t after a guy like Luke said something like that?

  Still, I used the opening to change the subject. “Speaking of which, we’d better go or we’ll miss the beginning.”

  He glanced at his watch. “Shit.” He hopped out and jogged around to my side of the car to help me out.

  He bought our tickets and nodded at the snack bar. “You want something?”

  I looked at him incredulously. “Half of my dinner is in your Jeep.”

  “I know. Just being a good date.” He grinned. “Make sure that goes in your report tonight at your pajama party.”

  I just shook my head and he laughed, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the theater. We easily agreed on seats—about a quarter of the way down from the back on the aisle. Thank goodness for that. That was the only place to sit in a theater as far as I was concerned.

  The lights dimmed and I was suddenly all too aware of his presence next to me. I’d just spent the last two hours with him at the restaurant, but that was different. We were sitting across from each other at a table, talking. We talked several times a week in class and when we hung out with the other Betas and Amber. That was nothing new.

  Sitting close together in the dark in a theater where a hundred clichéd date things could happen threw me for a loop. For instance, the armrest between us was the kind that could be raised up. Should I have asked if he wanted to raise it?

  I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye. He seemed perfectly relaxed with his left foot propped up on his right knee. Why was he so relaxed? Why wasn’t he nervous like I was? Was it because he had a lot of experience with dating? How many girls had he gone out with? He was surprised I hadn’t dated more. Did that imply that he went on a lot of dates?

  And I was obsessing.

  Tighten up, Corinne.

  A reminder came on the screen to silence cell phones. I pulled mine out, happy to have something else to focus on. I checked to make sure my phone was on vibrate and saw that I missed several texts from Amber. She apparently couldn’t wait until I got home to find out how my date went.

  Maybe Luke’s theory about girls and the after-date report was truer than I realized. As everyone seemed to be reminding me lately, I had been out of the game for a while.

  I tucked my phone back in my purse and settled in to watch the previews. I loved the previews, sometimes even more than the actual movie. They brought the promise of something great. Previews were a conglomeration of the best five minutes of a film, designed to leave you wanting more. It was rare that a movie could ever live up to its preview.

  The movie itself started with a bang, literally. I jumped as a car exploded unexpectedly on the screen.

  Luke looked over at me, then grabbed my hand and squeezed as if to reassure me. He didn’t let go.

  Heaven.

  The movie was pretty good. I liked superhero movies. My younger brother was into superheroes as a kid, and I’d always watched the cartoons with him. It was the one thing we still did together—watch superhero movies.

  When the lights slowly came back up as the credits were rolling, some people around us started gathering their things and exiting the theater while others stayed put.

  Luke and I didn’t move, him still holding my hand. That was fine with me.

  As the people filed down the center aisle toward the exit, a girl looked at me, her face a mix of contempt and disgust. I looked behind me to see if there was someone she was shooting the visual daggers at. Did I know her from somewhere? I didn’t recognize her, and I never forgot a face. So why was she looking at me like I’d skinned her cat?

  I squirmed in my seat as she and her date passed. It was a good thing she didn’t fire lasers out of her eyes like the villain in the movie or I’d be dead. Yikes.

  I glanced over, and thankfully Luke didn’t seem to have noticed. He was looking in the opposite direction.

  After almost everyone had cleared out of the theater, Luke said, “You ready?”

  I nodded, and he let go of my hand to stand and stretch. I was a little disappointed when he shoved his hands into his pockets instead of reaching for mine.

  “Did you like the movie?” I asked. It was silly, but I was looking for reassurance. I’d picked it and I wanted his approval.

  What the heck was up with that? I wasn’t one of those girls who fished for compliments or cared overly much what anyone else thought.

  But I cared what Luke thought.

  “It was good,” Luke said. I waited for him to elaborate, but when he didn’t, I crossed my arms and fell in step behind him.

  When we reached the car, Luke opened the door for me and gave me a hand getting in, still silent.

  I stared at him, but he kept his eyes on the road, his brow furrowed. The tension in the car was thick. I didn’t get it. What had happened between us holding hands throughout the entire movie and now?

  I thought back over what I’d said. Nothing. I’d said nothing. With the exception of that chick shooting death rays out of her eyes, nothing out of the ordinary happened.

  After several minutes of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you being weird?”

  He looked over at me with a shocked expression on his face, almost like I’d startled him with my question, like he’d forgotten I was there.

  His eyes met mine, and as he smiled, the tense muscles on his face relaxed. “You don’t have a monopoly on being weird.”

  “You held my hand for two hours. I threw myself at you for an uninvited make-out. I think my reason is better.” I couldn’t believe how brazen I was being, bringing that up. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep the blush that was threatening to erupt at bay.

  He glanced over at me.

  When we pulled to a stop at a red light, Luke leaned over, wrapping his hand lightly around my neck to pull me closer, then he brushed his lips over mine. Soft. That was all I could think. Why were his lips so soft?

  I leaned in, putting my hand on his shoulder, and he parted my lips with his tongue.

  I moaned slightly. Sober kissing Luke was a million times better than drunk kissing him.

  The car behind us honked. Luke pulled away, but not before kissing me one last time.

  As he put the car in gear and pulled off, he glanced over at me with a sly grin. “I think we’re even now. And for the record—no make-out with you is ever uninvited.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “You want ice cream?”

  My mind was buzzing. “Uh, sure.” I touched my lips with my fingertips, feeling the warmth where Luke’s lips had covered mine. Then I hastily placed my hand in my lap, hoping he hadn’t seen that. Don’t be pathetic.

  At the ice cream parlor, Luke ordered a sundae topped with strawberries. I ordered a proper sundae, with hot fudge and nuts.

  We found a table outside on the patio, which was packed. I noticed a few people from the theater who must have had the same idea as us. To our left sat a young mother who was ineffectively trying to corral her two young children who were literally running circles around her and the table. Not that I was an expert on children or anything, but what did she expect loading them up with sugar at nearly midnight?

  “You want a bite?” Luke offered, holding up a spoon dripping with ice cream and strawberries.

  I eyed it suspiciously, my lips curling.

  He looked down at his sundae and then back at me. “What?”

  “How can you mix your food groups like that?”

  He looked down at his sundae again. “What are you talking about?”

  I pointed at the offending strawberries with my spoon. “That. You mixed health food with your dessert.”

  “The strawberries? What about your peanuts? Isn’t that like protein with your dessert?”

  “Peanuts are a staple in many d
ifferent types of confections.” I counted them off on my fingers. “Snickers, Peanut M&M’s, Reese’s cups, Reese’s pieces, Mr. Goodbar, Payday… Do I need to go on? I’ve already run out of fingers on one hand.”

  He laughed. “I forgot I shouldn’t argue with you.”

  I grinned, swirling my spoon around in the chocolate syrup. “At least you’re a quick learner.”

  “I’m also hardheaded. You still haven’t agreed to go to the game tomorrow.”

  “I thought you’d forgotten about that.”

  “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

  “All right.”

  I could check out the tutoring center any day, but I could only go to the game tomorrow. It made perfect sense, but deep down, I knew I was BS-ing myself. And constantly putting off dealing with the tuition wasn’t going to make the problem go away. I just honestly didn’t know what to do. If I did, the bill would already be paid.

  “All right?” He seemed a little surprised that I’d agreed so readily this time. “Be at the house at ten.”

  “Wait. Isn’t the game at two?”

  “The pre-game before the tailgate starts at ten.”

  “Whoa. Pre-game and tailgate?”

  He put his forearms on the table and leaned forward. “Can you handle it, Corinne?”

  Chills went down my spine at him saying my full name. No one except my mother called me that, but I liked it. I liked the sound of my name on his lips. I liked the thought of his lips mixed with anything of mine.

  Oh, geez. Get a grip.

  I hunkered down over my ice cream, hoping its coldness would calm my thoughts. Once I had my thoughts under control, I snuck a peek at him.

  Bad idea. Thoughts were right back in the gutter.

  Sigh.

  …

  Amber had also been invited to go to the game with Brad. She was still hung up on not going on a formal date with him yet, though, so she hadn’t planned to go. Once she found out I was going, she changed her mind.

  Having learned my lesson about letting Amber drive, I drove. I didn’t want to get stuck like last time. It was going on ten thirty by the time we left our house. Neither Amber nor I were morning people. Plus, I had trouble coming down from my post-date “Luke” high last night, so I didn’t get much sleep.

  After we had finished our ice cream, Luke drove me home and walked me to the door. He’d taken my chin in his hands and kissed me gently. That one kiss rocked my consciousness just as much, if not more, than the steamy kisses we’d shared in the Jeep. While I’d told Amber about kissing in the Jeep, I’d kept this one to myself. And the memory of it kept me awake for hours. When I finally fell asleep, my dreams involved Luke, ice cream, and whipped cream.

  Enough said.

  …

  The parking lot at the Beta house was packed, forcing me to park on the grass. Hopefully my poor old car wouldn’t get stuck. Oh well. If it did, I’d deal with it later. Besides, Luke could probably hook a chain up to his Jeep and pull me out.

  The weather was cooler today, perfect jeans and T-shirt weather. For once, Amber had approved of my chosen attire—jeans, T-shirt, tennis shoes, and a hoodie—even though she opted for the dressier look of skinny jeans and knee-high boots.

  Brad met us in the parking lot, immediately picking Amber up and swinging her around. She squealed.

  “She’s so little. I love it.” Brad gave a lopsided grin.

  She peered at him closely. “How long have you been drinking?”

  He shrugged. “Not long. Just a few hours.”

  She looked at me, her mouth wide open and laughter in her eyes. He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the deck where three kegs were chilling in huge tubs of ice. “Let’s get you a drink.”

  That left me alone in the yard. I’d met a lot of the guys, but I wouldn’t say I was friends with any of them except for Josh and Brad. And Luke, of course.

  Well, I didn’t know what I was with Luke.

  As if on cue, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling my neck. I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment.

  Having his arms around me felt right. How could I feel so comfortable, so safe with him after such a short time?

  “You’re late,” he said. “I thought you’d stood me up.”

  “Ten is early on a Saturday.”

  “Not on game day. Come on.” He led me over to the deck where there was quite a spread—finger sandwiches, chips, veggies, dip, doughnuts, pastries, fruit salad. In addition to kegs, they also had mixers for various cocktails. “Something with orange juice?” he asked. I nodded and he whipped up a concoction. I didn’t pay close attention to what he put in it, but it was yummy.

  I sat down on the deck steps and he sat behind me, his legs straddling me. My, wasn’t he being affectionate this morning. Of course, if he had been drinking with Brad all morning, he probably had a nice buzz going.

  I’d put my hair in a ponytail, and he toyed with the school-colored ribbons I’d tied in it. “Nice touch.”

  “I try.”

  I sipped at my drink. Noticing my restraint, he asked, “Don’t you like it?”

  I held up my keys. “I’m driving.”

  He snatched them out of my hand and tucked them deep in his pocket. “Not anymore you’re not. We’ve got DD’s, so have fun.” He pointed over to two guys sucking on Cokes and looking miserable.

  I laughed. “How’d they get the short straw?”

  “They’re the newest brothers. They’ve got to pay their dues.”

  Brad and Amber claimed the steps next to us.

  She poked Brad in the chest. “You are a bad influence on me. I never drink before noon. Never.”

  “I make no apologies,” he said. “I was a nerd in high school. I’ve got some years to make up for.”

  I caught Amber’s eye and we burst out laughing.

  “What?” Brad asked, confused.

  Amber whipped out her phone and pulled up his Facebook page, showing everyone the picture of him in his bow tie posing with the tuba.

  “Shit.” The normally suave Brad blushed. “I didn’t know that was on there.”

  “It’s okay,” Amber reassured him. “If I could, I would reach into that picture and pinch your chubby little cheeks.” She pinched his cheeks. “These will have to do.”

  “Aw, thanks, babe.”

  Luke looked at me suspiciously. “Is there anything on my Facebook account that I should be worried about?”

  “I haven’t looked at yours.”

  “Yeah,” Amber chimed in. “We’re not friends. Here, I’ll friend request you.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “What about you? Any embarrassing Facebook photos you want to confess to?”

  “I don’t really use Facebook,” I said lightly. It was true. I’d even deactivated my account and hadn’t been on it in months, not since the spring. Since the posts left on my wall became conciliatory. Since the photos posted there became haunting reminders. Since I couldn’t bear to update my relationship status. They didn’t have one for “deceased boyfriend.”

  I took a swig of my drink, pushing my thoughts into the furthest place in my mind—the place reserved for forgetting.

  Josh wandered over and plopped down on the step next to me. Saved from myself.

  “Why haven’t you been in class this week?” I asked him, grateful for the diversion.

  He was unconcerned. “Don’t worry about me. I’ve been studying plenty of women.”

  “Too bad they can’t say the same for you,” Brad said.

  “Whatever. You’d still be working up the courage to talk to a girl if it weren’t for me,” Josh said. “I changed your life.”

  Brad wrapped his arm around Amber and raised his cup. “And I thank you for that.”

  “When this guy moved in with me freshman year, he was hopeless,” Josh told Amber.

  “I know.” She giggled. “I’ve seen the pictures.”

  Brad sulked. “I’m g
oing to kill whoever posted that picture.”

  Amber tapped her finger on her phone. “Tina Highland.”

  Brad groaned while Luke and Josh burst out laughing.

  “Count on Mama Highland,” Josh said. “Did you know she sends him cookies every month? Chocolate chip, his favorite.”

  “Aww,” Amber said. “That’s sweet. You’re a mama’s boy.”

  Brad’s face turned red from his blond roots down to his neck.

  “It’s almost noon,” Luke said, looking at his watch. “We should probably head over to the tailgate.”

  Brad quickly jumped up. “Thank God. I’ll find the DD.”

  The tailgate was fun, better than I expected. Some Beta alumni had a prime spot next to the stadium. There were mountains of food: chicken, ribs, potato salad, coleslaw, chips and dip, cupcakes—you name it, they had it. Luke introduced me to several alumni he knew, simply saying, “This is Cori.”

  Very smooth, introducing me without having to put a label on our relationship. Would I be friend or girlfriend?

  But what did I want to be? All I knew was that I was where I wanted to be—with Luke.

  …

  The game was awesome, just as Luke had promised. We lost, but it was a close game. The spirit of the Beta Chis was infectious, and I found myself joining in the lewd cheers and heckling. Afterward, we headed back to the Beta house for more debauchery. Someone ordered about a dozen pizzas. I offered to pay my share, but Luke wouldn’t let me. I was grateful. Impromptu pizza didn’t fit in with my new penny pinching routine.

  As twilight began to fall, the guys started up the bonfire. I found myself sitting next to Josh and his guitar in a déjà vu moment of a few weeks ago. Had it only been a few weeks? My life had been turned upside down since then. In a good way, though.

  For the first time in months, I exhaled. The tension left my body. And I realized…I was ready for the next chapter of my life—a chapter that included Luke.

  Until the last few weeks, I’d only been existing, not living, only going through the motions. I filled my time with so many responsibilities that I had a built-in excuse for standing still, not moving forward.

  I looked at where Luke was sitting on the other side of the fire. The light from the fire made the blue in his eyes look even lighter, more like frozen ice. Even though he’d been attentive the entire day, he didn’t keep himself glued to my side, letting me stand on my own. He noticed me looking at him and smiled at me. He mouthed, “You okay?” I smiled and nodded back.