Letting Go

by Jessica Ruddick

  “Studying mostly.”

  “Uh-huh. What new titles have you added to your impressive resume? I’ve been so busy with local pageants I haven’t had time to follow any others.”

  I shook my head and stepped aside to let someone pass. “I’m not doing them.”

  “Say what?” Dante put his hands on his hips, a look of befuddlement on his face.

  “I’m not doing them anymore,” I said again. “I’m too busy with all my classes.”

  “Puh-lease. That’s an excuse if I’ve ever heard one.”

  I laughed. It was nice to see some things hadn’t changed. “I’ve missed you, Dante.”

  He gave me an affectionate smile. “You’re one of the best girls I’ve ever had. You know that, right?”

  I nodded.

  He whipped out his phone. “Give me your email. My friend is directing the New River Valley pageant. It’s only a month away, but they’re low on contestants. I bet I can get you in.”

  “I told you, I’m done with pageants.”

  “Uh-huh. What’s your email?”

  I gave it to him. I knew him well enough to know he would nag me until I gave in. He could send me the information, and once I was a couple hundred miles away, I’d tell him I wasn’t going to do it.

  He slipped his phone back into his pocket. “Done.” He looked at the stage and sighed dramatically. “I’d better go console my girl.” He leaned forward and air-kissed my cheeks.

  …

  I hefted my suitcase to my car bright and early the next morning, eager to get back to school, back to my life.

  The on-ramp to the interstate was just ahead when I looked down and noticed the gas gauge was dangerously close to E. “Shit.” I cut through two lanes of traffic and pulled into the last gas station on my side of the road before the interstate. Other people must have had the same idea as me, because all the pumps were occupied. I pulled behind a pick-up truck to wait.

  I scrolled through my email on my phone while I waited. There was one from Dante. Damn, that was quick. My finger hovered over the delete button, but I opened it instead, just out of curiosity.

  The pageant was in a little over a month. There was the standard information about scoring, talent length requirements, costumes, blah, blah, blah. At the bottom, the scholarship amounts were listed.

  My eyeballs nearly jumped out of their sockets.

  The rumble of the pick-up truck in front of me driving away caught my attention, and I pulled up. I quickly got out, swiped my credit card, and shoved the gas nozzle into my car.

  As it gassed up, I leaned against my car and looked at the email again. The scholarship would be available immediately, and it was almost enough to pay my spring tuition.

  I bit my lip as a battle waged within me. The rehearsals were extensive, not to mention the extra time I’d have to put in on my talent since I was out of practice. I already had a lot on my plate with my heavy course load.

  But if I didn’t come up with money, and fast, worrying about heavy course loads would be a thing of the past. At least at this university. I wrinkled my nose at the thought of moving home. This wasn’t where my life was anymore.

  How hard would it be to resurrect one of my old performances? I had everything I needed packed away in the closet at my parents’ house. It would just be a matter of dusting off the dresses and brushing up on my song. It’d be like an encore of the last pageant I won, right?

  Right.

  The gas nozzle clicked, signaling it was done. I secured it back on the gas pump and grabbed my receipt.

  I slid into my seat and clicked the seat belt. This was crazy. I couldn’t possibly prepare for a pageant in a little over a month and keep up with my classes. I was scheduled to start volunteering at the women’s center for my Women’s Studies class. And if I did the pageant, I could kiss the possible internship with a local law office that I was applying for good-bye.

  I pulled up to the traffic light in front of the gas station with my right turn signal flashing to go toward the interstate. The light turned green, but I didn’t go, my hands paralyzed on the steering wheel.

  Drivers laid on their horns behind me, snapping me into action. I flipped my left turn signal on.

  I needed to retrieve some dresses out of storage.

  …

  When I walked into my room, Amber had her purse on her arm and was applying lip gloss. She raised her eyebrows at the sight of the bulky dress bags I carried in.

  “Don’t ask,” I told her, hanging them on the outside of the closet.

  “I’m heading out to see Brad. You want to go?”

  I hesitated. I wanted to see Luke, but I didn’t want to show up unannounced. What kind of a message would that send? I’d been so busy this weekend I hadn’t had time to call him, and I didn’t like to talk and drive.

  Amber looked at her watch impatiently. “Yes or no?”

  My desire to see him won out. “Give me five minutes.”

  At the Beta house, we found Brad and Josh in Josh’s room. Amber climbed over Josh’s legs to squeeze in next to Brad. She smiled and gave him a peck on the lips. Guess the date went well.

  I perched on the arm of the couch next to Josh.

  Disappointment must have shown on my face.

  “Aren’t you happy to see me?” Josh teased. “Luke’s down the hall, working on the wiring in one of the bedrooms.”

  I stopped myself from sprinting down the hallway and instead walked at a respectable brisk pace.

  Luke was right where Josh said. He had the faceplate pulled off the light switch and wires were hanging out of the hole in the wall. Hmm, electrical surgery.

  Luke’s lips curved into an easy smile when he saw me.

  I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. My weekend trip put miles between us, literally and figuratively. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw him again. Had he missed me? That was silly, I chided myself. It’s not like our relationship was hot and heavy. We’d gone days before without seeing each other.

  He held the wires secure in one hand and wrapped his other arm around me in a hug.

  I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the moment. I had missed him, more than I realized. More than I wanted to admit.

  “How was your trip?” he asked when I stepped away.

  “Okay.”

  He shoved the wires back into the wall. “Just okay?”

  Between the cheerleaders in the bathroom treating me like a tragic widow and Dante’s ambush, yeah, it was just okay. Not that I was going to tell him about either of those things, especially the former. That was a conversation I’d like to have, oh, I’d say never.

  “What’d I miss around here?”

  “We had a lame party on Saturday. Some girl puked all over the party room, so there was that.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I’m sorry I missed it.”

  He screwed the faceplate back on the wall. “Let there be light,” he joked, and flipped the switch.

  I looked up at the ceiling light, which was indeed shining. “I’m impressed.”

  “It’d be more impressive if I could convince these ass-wipes to stop screwing things up around here. Then I wouldn’t have to spend so much time fixing everything.”

  We joined the others in Josh’s room, squeezing onto the couch next to Brad and Amber. Luke ran his fingers up and down my arm absentmindedly, giving me chills. I cuddled closer to him, inhaling his scent. He always smelled good, but I was yet to figure out what kind of cologne he wore. The scent was so light he might not wear any at all. It could just be his soap and shampoo. I lifted my nose slightly and took a whiff of his hair.

  He craned his neck to look at me. “What are you doing?”

  I blushed furiously. “Smelling you.” What else could I say? I’d been caught yet again. Suave, I was not.

  “I hope I passed your sniff test.”

  “Don’t worry,” I assured him. “You always do.”

  He caught my eye, and his smile turn
ed a little less innocent. His eyes darkened, and I licked my lips. He nodded his head toward the door with a question in his eyes. You want to get out of here?

  I nodded.

  As we were leaving, Brad said, “Hey you guys, you want to grab something to eat later?”

  Luke looked at me again, putting the ball in my court. I shook my head.

  I traveled the now familiar path to Luke’s room, walking behind him down the narrow hallway, my hand reaching forward to hold his hand. When we entered the room, he crossed to his desk, taking his cell phone out of his pocket to plug it in the charger. I shut the door behind me with a deafening click. I don’t know which was louder—the sound of the door or the thud of my heart hammering against my rib cage.

  I was doing this. I crossed the room to where he stood messing with his cell phone with a frown on his face. I took the phone out of his hands and placed it on the desk. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I stood on my toes and pressed my lips to his.

  He responded immediately, wrapping his arms around my waist. His tongue tangled with mine. His hands slid under my shirt and my skin burned at the feel of his palms and fingers on my bare flesh.

  He turned me around so that I was against the desk and lifted me up on it. I spread my knees so that he could stand in between my legs and scooted to the edge of the desk so that the length of our torsos were pressed together. Our kisses were slow at first, sweet, before becoming hotter and more urgent. He pulled away, leaving me wanting more.

  He ran his thumb along my lower lip. “I think you missed me.”

  I nodded, forcing myself to look into his ice blue eyes. “Did you miss me?”

  He kissed me gently. “I did.”

  I wrapped myself around him and pulled him to me, my mouth hungry for his. I grabbed at his shirt, pulling it up until he pulled it all the way over his head. My shirt joined his on the floor, and I thanked my lucky stars I’d taken the time to change out of the plain white cotton bra into a sexy lace one.

  He ran his hands up my sides, grazing my breasts. My breath caught, and I let out a small moan. His mouth left mine to grace my neck with kisses. I ran my fingertips along his back.

  In one smooth motion, he lifted me. My legs were already wrapped around his waist, so I tightened them. He set me down on the end of the bed, and I scooted backward so that I was at the head of the bed. He crawled up to meet me.

  And that, as they say, was that.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I arrived at criminology a full fifteen minutes early on Tuesday. Other than a few irrelevant texts, Luke and I hadn’t spoken since Sunday. I told myself it was normal to be nervous. It was normal to come to class super early just to claim home field advantage.

  Who was I kidding?

  I was exhausted. I hadn’t gotten more than a few hours’ sleep last night. I couldn’t turn my mind off. Would things be weird between us? I felt like we were just getting to a good place. Did my actions on Sunday ruin that? Would he think less of me? We hadn’t known each other that long. Was it too soon?

  “Boo,” Luke whispered in my ear.

  I nearly fell out of my chair. As it was, I knocked my notebook and my set of carefully arranged colored pens on the floor.

  He kneeled and picked up my fallen things, then settled into the chair next to me, laughing. “Sorry. You looked like you were somewhere else. I couldn’t help myself.”

  I smiled nervously. I didn’t know what to say. I was tongue-tied. Two days ago I was naked with this guy, and now I couldn’t speak if my life depended on it.

  He glanced over at me. Then he leaned closer. “You’re not being weird again, are you?” he whispered with a smile.

  I playfully shoved him. “No.”

  “Good.” His eyes had a wicked twinkle. “Because I like the you from Sunday.”

  I did, too.

  “You’re such a guy,” I said, keeping it light.

  “Thanks.” He glanced at my notebook. “What’s the color scheme today?”

  I smiled.

  …

  “I told you we were going to be late.”

  Amber sipped her coffee. “I needed caffeine.”

  “I’m getting you a Keurig for Christmas,” I muttered. Except I probably couldn’t. Those darn things were expensive. I wasn’t a coffee drinker myself, and good thing since I was on a spending lockdown. I couldn’t believe how much Amber regularly shelled out for her cup of designer coffee.

  I circled the mini-golf course parking lot for the second time, hoping things would be different this time around and I’d find an empty parking space. No such luck. Looks like we’d be hoofing it.

  The closest space I could find on the street was at least a quarter mile away. This sleepy mini-golf course only saw this much action once a year—it was time for Chi Omega’s annual mini-golf philanthropy event to raise money for the Make a Wish foundation. Amber had signed me up to be on a team with Brad and Josh without asking, of course, because that was her style. Luke was spending the day at a retreat for the Beta Chi pledges.

  By the time we hiked up to the course, the guys were already waiting for us, taking practice swings with their putters, but their swings were huge, like we’d be playing regular golf.

  “This is mini-golf, right?” I asked Josh.

  He handed me the putter and a yellow golf ball. “Just testing it out for you.”

  We looked over at Brad and Amber who were wrapped around each other.

  “Hey!” Josh used two putters to separate them. “None of that. This is a family venue.”

  Amber grinned. “You’re just mad you’re here with Cori.”

  “Wait…what? Hey!” I protested.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” she said quickly. “I just meant poor Josh has no one to make out with.”

  Josh put an arm around my shoulders. “I respect Cori too much to make out with her.”

  We all looked at him. “What?” he asked.

  “We should get started,” Brad said, taking Amber’s hand and pulling her toward the first hole. “We’re the last team.”

  “Sorry we’re late,” I said. “Someone—Amber—made us stop and get coffee.”

  “You should have called me, babe,” Brad said. “I would’ve brought you some.”

  “Aww, you’re so sweet,” Amber cooed. Cooed, like she was an infant or something. What happened to my best friend? I was glad Amber was finally having some luck when it came to love, but I missed the Amber who wasn’t into PDA and didn’t coo.

  My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket.

  “Sorry, guys,” I said when I looked at the number. “I need to take this.”

  I walked up the path a little ways into a semi-private area and answered it.

  “Cori, this is Diane Hadnot, the contestant coordinator for the Miss New River Valley pageant.”

  “Yes, hi.” I chewed on my cuticles. I’d sent in my paperwork earlier in the week, and I’d been waiting for this call to find out if I’d be allowed to compete in the pageant since rehearsals had already started. I had mixed feelings. I didn’t really want to return to pageants, especially since at this level there was a bathing suit competition, but I needed that money. A minimum wage position at the tutoring center wouldn’t be enough, even if I worked every day.

  “I spoke with the director, and she’s agreed to let you compete.”

  “Thank you—”

  “There is a condition.”

  My heart sank. Conditions were never, ever good.

  “You will have to attend private rehearsals with her until she feels you have caught up with the rest of the girls.” The woman’s voice had an apologetic tone to it. “And if you don’t catch up in time, you’re out.”

  That was more than reasonable. I’d expect nothing less than that, actually. So why did the woman seem so apologetic? I must be missing something.

  “Come on, Cori!” Amber yelled, motioning for me to come back to the group. I held up my finger to indicate I’d
be another minute, and I wrapped up the call.

  With each step I took back toward the group, I added another item to my “to-do” list. Reserve time in the student center music rehearsal hall, review interview questions, practice the evening gown walk, develop a workout routine to prep for the swimsuit competition… The list went on and on. And this was on top of all of the other things I already had going on.

  I should be running out to my car to get started on this stuff, not spending the morning at mini-golf. My college tuition depended on it.

  Josh handed me my putter again. “It’s your turn.”

  I put the ball on the rubber mat and smacked it with the putter. It hit a wall and ricocheted off an obstacle to land back at my feet. Pathetic.

  Josh and Brad groaned simultaneously. “Come on, Cori,” Brad said. “We want to win.”

  I shot him a weary look but didn’t say anything. He was right. Even though this was just a charity event, I owed it to my teammates to pay attention and at least try. Beta Chi boys took competition seriously, whether it be mini-golf or beer pong. I’d never hear the end of it if I was the weak link on the team.

  I squared my shoulders and hit the ball again. This time it landed in the vicinity of the hole. It took me two more shots to make it in. Not perfect, but better.

  “How’s class been?” Josh asked me.

  “You’d know if you actually came,” I said.

  “I never should have signed up for that class,” he admitted. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  “It’s not so bad.”

  He set his ball down to take his turn. “There should be Men’s Studies. I’d probably get an A in that.”

  I cocked my head. “What would that class be about?”

  He hit the ball, nearly making a hole-in-one. “Man stuff.”

  “Care to elaborate on that?”

  He knelt down to get a better look at his shot and grinned up at me. “Do you really want me to?”

  “Yeah, probably not. Speaking of that class, though, you know there’s a huge test this week.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. You might want to come take it. I think it’s like twenty percent of our grade.”