“No one,” I whispered.
“I’m going to go talk to him.”
I grabbed his arm to stop him. “No, please. It’s fine.”
Luke whipped around. “It’s not fine for him to get in your face like that.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” Luke’s voice was carefully controlled, contrasting with the cold rage in his eyes.
I wiped the tears from my face. “Let’s just go.”
Luke looked to where Eddie’s friends were still pulling him back to their table. Eddie’s eyes were concentrated on me, hatred clearly shining through.
“Don’t do this at my cousin’s wedding,” I pleaded, putting my hand on Luke’s arm again. “Let’s not make more of a scene.” He clenched and unclenched his jaw. “Please,” I added.
He looked down at me, his expression softening a little. Then he put his hand on my lower back to lead me out.
By the time we got out to the car, I was shaking, and it wasn’t from the cold. Eddie had voiced my deepest fear. Normally I didn’t pay any attention to the idiocy that came out of his mouth, but I couldn’t help but wonder whether he was the only one, whether others also held me responsible for Tyler’s death.
In my dark moments, I certainly held myself responsible.
Luke started the Jeep but didn’t put it in gear. He tapped his hand on the steering wheel. “Who was that, Cori?”
“His name is Eddie.”
“Care to elaborate?”
Not really. “He’s my…ex-boyfriend’s friend.”
Ex-boyfriend.
Was Tyler my ex-boyfriend? We never actually broke up.
How could we break up when I killed him? I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted blood.
Did I kill him?
“Why would he lash out at you like that?”
He thinks I killed his friend.
“I don’t know.” I ran my fingers along the hemline of my dress, smoothing out non-existent wrinkles. “The relationship…didn’t end well. And Eddie and I never got along to begin with.”
Luke stayed silent, the muscles in his jaw working.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know he was going to be there.”
“If you had known,” Luke said slowly, “would you have told me?”
I opened my mouth to answer, then hesitated. I wouldn’t have told him, not if I could help it.
“That’s what I’m talking about, Cori. It seems like there are always these little things you’re not telling me, like about your ex-boyfriend’s suicide. Or the stupid pageant.”
“You didn’t tell me about Lindsey,” I protested.
“Yeah, I’ll give you that, but that’s completely over. It’s not part of my life anymore. She just happened to show up at the house one day. You’re obviously still having issues if you’d jump some girl at the mere mention of suicide.”
I winced at the mention of the incident. I wouldn’t mind having it stricken from the record. “It was more than the mere mention.”
Luke just looked at me, disregarding my comment. “And now this.”
“I had no way of knowing that my ex-boyfriend’s—”
“That’s not what I mean. I know you couldn’t have known about him being there, but there’s more to it than that. I’m not an idiot. There’s more to this story than this guy being pissed because his friend’s relationship didn’t end well.”
He waited, and I knew it was my cue to fill him in. He was asking, and I should answer. I owed it to him to answer. Instead, I looked out the window.
I could rationalize it all I wanted by claiming to not want to explain the Tyler situation while Luke was already agitated. But the truth? I was a coward.
“Is this the same ex-boyfriend who committed suicide?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
Luke ran his hands over his hair. He was obviously frustrated, borderline pissed. I should explain. The words were there, ready to spill over, but I just couldn’t. Not now, not while everything was so raw. I put my fist up to my mouth to stop myself from sobbing. There was nothing I could do about the tears streaming down my face.
Eddie’s voice echoed in my mind. “You killed him, you fucking bitch.”
“Were you…were you still seeing that guy when he died?”
When he died, or when I killed him?
I opened my mouth to answer, but choked on the words. After a few moments, Luke put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. I guess my silence was answer enough.
The ride home was miserable, neither of us talking, both of us lost in our own thoughts. Though we were physically close together in the Jeep, the distance between us was great. It scared me.
Luke pulled to a stop in front of my sorority house. Had the night gone as planned, he probably would have taken me back to the Beta house. As it was, he didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do, instead making the decision to bring me home. He was done with me for tonight.
“Thanks for everything,” I said lamely, stalling. Even though I didn’t want to talk about what had happened, I didn’t want to leave things like this, either.
He nodded slightly, looking straight ahead, not wanting to look at me.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say.
“It’s fine.”
I took a chance, hoping I wouldn’t make things worse. “It doesn’t sound like it’s fine.”
“You’re tired. I’m tired. Let’s just call it a night.”
“I don’t want to leave things like this.”
He finally turned to look at me. His eyes did look tired. “I wanted to pound the shit out of that guy.” Luke ran his hands over his face. “Look, I’ll be fine tomorrow. I just need to sleep on it.”
“Promise?” I asked, my voice small.
“Promise.”
I waited for a moment, wishing he would lean over and kiss me good night. When he didn’t, I climbed down from the Jeep and slowly closed my door with a deafening click.
I took a step back, and he pulled away from the curb.
I just wanted to forget this night ever happened, but how could I? This could very well be the catalyst that would end us. “It’ll be okay,” I whispered to darkness. “He promised. It’ll be fine.”
A sick feeling settled in my heart as I watched him drive away. I hoped to God he was telling the truth.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tomorrow came and went and things were not fine. Luke didn’t call, and I even kept my phone on me in pageant rehearsal, risking Madame Yancy’s wrath.
It was worth the risk. Luke was worth the risk.
But as it turned out, it was an unnecessary risk.
He was pissed. And justifiably so.
As I sat in traffic on interstate 81 on the way home from rehearsal, my mind went over our conversation from yesterday. Had our roles been reversed, would I have been as calm as Luke had been? I couldn’t say I would be. My actions following the incident with his ex-girlfriend were a testament to this. That had not been my finest moment. I’d avoided the situation, actually tried hiding from Luke to avoid it.
Was I hiding again?
No, I’d had rehearsal. It was a legitimate excuse. No, not excuse. Reason. It was a reason.
But that nagging little voice in my head reminded me that there had been nothing stopping me from calling him on our break.
Instead I’d spent all morning and afternoon waiting for him to call, for him to make it better. Why was I putting it on him? There was nothing stopping me from making the first move.
I needed to try to fix this.
I swung by the dining hall on my way home and grabbed a salad, hastily scarfing it down before jumping in the shower. Now that I’d decided I was going to stop sitting around waiting for my phone to ring, I was in a hurry to get to Luke.
The Alpha pledges and the Beta pledges were doing a combined service project at a local food pantry, packing up boxes of food to get re
ady for the Thanksgiving distribution. Luke would be there. Come to think of it, Amber might be there as well.
I looked up the address for the food pantry online while I pulled on jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. Then I grabbed my keys and I was out the door.
When I got there, I sat in my car for a few moments in the parking lot. Luke’s Jeep was there, announcing his presence.
So I was here. Now what? Did I just charge in there, declaring my love for Luke? First of all, I wasn’t ready to profess the “L” word yet, even if that’s where I was heading. Secondly, this wasn’t some romantic movie. Grand gestures were usually pretty laughable in real life. And Luke had already established he wasn’t a fan of romantic movies.
The heat in my car sputtered, alternating between cool and lukewarm air. I shivered and banged the dash, then thought better of it and pulled my key out of the ignition. It was like the car was telling me to woman up and get in there.
And really, this was kind of silly. We hadn’t even had a fight. It’d just been a misunderstanding. The air just needed to be cleared a little. Nothing more.
So why were my hands shaking?
The front door to the building was unlocked, but the lobby was empty. It didn’t take long to find everyone though—I just followed the voices that were echoing in the empty hallway.
I found all seventeen of our pledges, the nine Beta pledges, and a handful of Alphas and Betas, including Amber, Brad, and Luke.
Luke’s back was to me, so he didn’t see me walk up. I slipped my hand in his and leaned my face on his shoulder. He stiffened.
He definitely wasn’t fine yet.
“Can we talk?” I whispered.
He looked down at me, his face carefully neutral.
“Please,” I said.
“Guys, I’ll be back,” he said to the pledges, then led me back out the door I’d just come through, my hand still in his. That was a good sign.
Once back out in the hallway, we separated. He leaned against the wall and I stood in front of him.
“I’m sorry,” I said simply.
“You said that yesterday.”
I lifted my chin a little. “It’s true.” I took a deep breath. “I have some things in my past that I’m still dealing with.”
He stayed silent, crossing his arms.
“The guy who died? His name was Tyler.” I paused for a moment. I’d barely gotten his name out without my voice cracking. “And yes, we were still together when he died. Things weren’t…good between us, but we were still together.”
“I’m sorry.” His voice was softer, but his arms remained crossed. “I really am sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”
“It’s pretty horrible,” I said, my eyes tearing up. What was it about people expressing sympathy that made me want to cry?
“If we’re going to have any kind of future though, you’re going to need to talk to me about things like this. You can’t keep it from me.”
“I know.”
He sighed and opened his arms. I walked into them gratefully, pressing my face into his chest and inhaling.
“Here’s the thing, Cori,” Luke said, his face pressed up against my hair. “I care about you. A lot.”
I let that sink in for a moment and felt myself sliding closer to the “L” word. If I just let myself, I could fall all the way.
“Me, too, Luke.”
“But I can’t do this if there’s going to be secrets between us.”
“I know.”
Luke gently pushed me away, keeping his arms on my shoulders and looking me in the eye. “Is there anything else I should know?”
I’d already told him more than I’d ever wanted to tell him. Fear had kept me from telling him about Tyler—fear and grief. It was something I hadn’t wanted to bring into our relationship. But I’d told Luke what he needed to know—I’d had a boyfriend who died, and I was pretty torn up about it.
Was torn up. It was definitely in the past. Luke was my present, and I wanted him to be my future.
I pursed my lips, then pulled them up into a small smile. “I can’t whistle.”
Luke grinned, chuckling a little. “Seriously?”
I put my lips together and when I blew, all that could be heard was the sound of air moving through my cheeks and out my lips.
He laughed. “That’s a little pathetic. We’ll have to work on that.” His expression turned serious. “I get that you might not want to talk about the whole Tyler—was that his name?”
I nodded.
“The whole Tyler thing. I’m not big on rehashing the past either, but you can’t hide it from me if it comes up, you know?”
I nodded again.
“So I just need to make sure—that’s over, right? I mean, if you were together when he died—”
“Luke.” I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer, going up on my toes so I could brush my lips across his. “You’re it for me.”
And he was. He really was.
He slipped his hand under my sweatshirt and ran his fingers along my skin, which immediately warmed at his touch.
“I wish I didn’t have to hang around here,” he said, putting his forehead to mine. “I can think of some better ways to spend our time.”
“It’s probably for the best, anyway. I was at pageant rehearsal all day, and I’ve got some homework to catch up on.”
“And I have a pledge meeting tomorrow. You know, they keep asking about you.”
“About me or the cupcakes I brought?”
“You, but the cupcakes might have come up.” The edges of his mouth quirked up. “They wouldn’t be opposed to you bringing some to the meeting tomorrow.”
“The pledges? Or you?”
He kissed me, dragging his teeth over my lower lip. “Me. Any excuse to get you out to the house. With cupcakes.”
I laughed. “I’ve got to go.” Then my expression turned serious. “We’re good now, right?”
“Yeah. We’re good.”
I kissed him one last time, then pulled away, only dropping his hand when I was a few steps away.
“Cori?”
I turned around.
“We’d be a lot better with cupcakes, though.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Luke was going to be severely disappointed when he learned cupcakes from the box were the extent of my culinary prowess, but that was a secret to be shared another time.
“Tomorrow’s not good for me,” I said.
“Pageant rehearsal?”
I nodded, and my heart started to race. I didn’t have rehearsal tomorrow night—I was meeting Mr. Pullman for dinner.
But I couldn’t tell Luke that, not after the hurdle we’d just cleared, not after I’d already told him there was nothing else to tell. Besides, the dinner didn’t mean anything. It was just an obligation I felt I had to fulfill. If it meant anything I’d definitely tell him. And I would tell him. Eventually I’d tell him everything about Tyler, but the time wasn’t right. When the time was right, I’d tell him.
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
…
He was late. I’d driven almost an hour in rush-hour traffic to meet him and he was late. Plus, I’d lied to Luke. I scowled. Why did I agree to this again?
I’d already given Mr. Pullman two hours of my life. He’d given me a thousand dollars for my trouble. A fair exchange, or so I tried to convince myself. Only it felt wrong, sketchy, like I was cashing in on Tyler’s death. Technically, I was. But I didn’t ask for the money. I had agreed to meet with him the first time because it was the right thing to do.
I bit my lip. Why was I meeting with him this time? Was it because I felt I owed it to Tyler or was it the big fat addition to my scholarship fund?
There was no harm in taking the money. He was loaded. A thousand dollars was nothing to him. So why did I feel so sleazy?
Because it was sleazy. I was sitting in a hotel lobby waiting for my scholarship sugar daddy.<
br />
What the hell was I doing?
Risking my relationship with Luke, that’s what. This wasn’t worth it.
I searched through my purse for my keys. He was fifteen minutes late. I’d take that as a sign that this meeting shouldn’t be happening.
“Cori.” I looked up to see Mr. Pullman striding across the lobby in a black power suit. Everything about him screamed power—expensive black suit, black leather shoes that were shined to a high sheen, and a tie that probably cost more than my entire outfit.
He held out his hand and I shook it. His lips curved in a caricature of a smile.
That was all for formalities. Once we were seated, the interrogation began.
He gazed at me over steepled fingers. “How did you two meet?”
“We had two classes together freshman year, English and Geometry.” I told him about how we’d sat next to each other, how we competed academically, how Tyler had shyly asked me out after English class one day.
I didn’t tell him how my heart had raced as I leaned up against a locker next to him, how his hair had curled over the edge of his collar, how his eyes had lit up when I said yes.
“He was a good student, of course,” Mr. Pullman prompted. “Wasn’t he salutatorian?”
I blinked, shocked that he knew that. He noticed my reaction. “I did attend graduation.”
“Right,” I said. “He was salutatorian.”
“Did he like school?”
This was actually a very thoughtful question. I had to think about it for a moment. “He didn’t dislike it,” I said finally. That was the best explanation I could come up with. Tyler had been motivated. His drive to succeed paralleled mine; it was one of the major things we had in common. His good grades stemmed more from his want to be the best, though. He was like that with everything. If he couldn’t be the best, then he didn’t want to do it. He probably would have enjoyed things more if he didn’t put so much pressure on himself.
It was like he felt he had something to prove. And the reason for that—or so I suspected—was sitting right across from me.
It was funny how an absence could be such a presence in a person’s life.
God, I missed him. Tyler always knew exactly what to say when I was stressed. I could have called him after Madame Yancy laid into me at rehearsal and he’d have said—
Letting Go Page 21