Two Brutes, One Barista: An Alaskan Romantic Comedy (Alaskan Romance Book 3)

by Shaye Marlow

  I paused. “What?”

  “Tim—big guy, the twin without the scar—”

  “I know who he is.”

  “—has a Bigfoot costume. He likes to wear it for our Halloween haunted house. He’s even fought in it once or twice, during holiday events.” All of this, and he was still not out of breath.

  We exchanged blows again, more of them landing as we slowed. Or at least, more landed on me as I slowed.

  Ed was still talking. “Whether he’d be running around in it, scaring people, though… I doubt it. He’s had the suit for years,” he said conversationally. “So, if it is him, you gotta ask yourself, why now? What changed?”

  Finally, he managed to slam one of his full-power fists against my temple. It was so fast, I’d hit the mat before I knew what’d happened. I squinted up at the lights, willing them to stop spinning.

  “That’s all you know?” I mumbled. “Tim has a suit?”

  Ed bent over me, hands braced on his knees. “I know there’s a 90% chance it’s your brothers. I know a lot of these Bigfoot hunters are crazy, and have been tearing up my bar, and I know if we don’t get a handle on this situation soon, I know I’m going to get upset. I know if it is your brothers doing this, there’ll be hell to pay.

  “You done?” he added.

  I nodded, and he helped me up. “Where’s Tim staying?”

  Ed described the location of the twins’ cabin. “But he’s probably out with that French Bigfoot hunter,” he added. “That funny-looking guy who’s been in here laying waste to my fishing guides. Your brothers made a pretty penny betting on him when he first showed up, by the way. Tim’s been guiding him around for a few days now.”

  I shook my head to clear it. “He’s working for Wreck?” Dammit, I’d known that. I’d seen them drive off together when I first found out Wreck was here.

  “Oh, you know the guy?”

  “Wreck? He’s a fighter,” I said with a frown. “He’s the asshole who took my belt.”

  “Of course he is.” Ed looked at me, considering. “You know, I heard a rumor about that fight.”

  I grunted, and bent to pull on my shoes.

  “I heard the fight was fixed.”

  “I thought you said I should go to Dotty if I wanted to hear rumors,” I said, straightening.

  Ed smiled. “Come back soon,” was all he said.

  Nodding, I took my leave.

  “It’s been crazy today!” Thea said. She looked frazzled, and whether that was from her crazy day, or the precipitous way she’d risen that morning, I wasn’t sure. Her hair was all loose wisps, her color was high, and a big coffee stain darkened her front.

  I leaned against the counter, enjoying just looking at her. “Lots of people in?” I asked. There’d been a pretty high volume out on the river.

  “No. I mean yes, but that wasn’t all. The people who’ve been in have been especially bad. A lot of Bigfoot hunters, a lot of them wanting to interview Mitzi after news of her encounter somehow leaked.”

  I winced.

  “Yeah. They came in in droves. But not all of them wanted to just talk to her. She was cleaning a cabin, and a group of them caught her outside of it—”

  I straightened, afraid of what she’d say next.

  “—and they were calling her awful names. Threatening her, when she didn’t want to give them an interview.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Yeah. Lane gave her the day off, and a room back in the main lodge, until things settle down.

  “But that’s not all!” Thea continued. “Even the locals are restless today. They’ve been in here, almost every one of them bitching about the Bigfoot hunters. The hunters have been trespassing, borrowing things, not minding their wake, making noise at all hours of the day and night. And then a group of Bigfoot hunters came in when a group of locals were just finishing up their coffee, and this one idiot starts making noise about how there’s a leash law, and yet all the dogs are running around loose. I guess one of them—while trespassing, the locals were quick to point out—got bitten. Anyway, this guy just runs off at the mouth, ranting about all the uncontrolled animals, about how irresponsible and careless their owners were, about how Alaska is a ‘backward, heathen, redneck’ state.”

  I winced again.

  “Yeah! So of course the locals took exception. A fistfight broke out.”

  “In here?” I asked, thinking I never should have left her side this morning.

  “Yes. They broke a table and two chairs. Lane already had them taken out.”

  “So she came in and stopped it?” A little hard to believe, but she was the owner…

  “No. Pierre showed up.”

  I gritted my teeth. On the one hand, I was glad he had. And on the other, he’d done what I should have been there to do.

  “It was really impressive,” she said, unintentionally rubbing it in. “Walked right into the middle of it and told them to stop. A few of them did. A few of them didn’t. Pierre picked the biggest, meanest guy and took him down in about two seconds flat.”

  “A local?” I asked, figuring he’d side with his own kind.

  “No. It was actually a Bigfoot hunter. Pierre didn’t lay a finger on any of the locals. After seeing that, everybody seemed to lose the desire to fight. They left.

  “Afterward, he was telling me there’s a whole subculture of Bigfoot hunters that are truly unstable, that say and do stupid shit, and give the rest of them a bad name. The legit ones don’t really talk to the crazy ones; won’t give them the time of day. You actually just missed him,” she added. “He stayed to play security for a couple hours, and then left about a half hour ago. Said he had a project to attend to.”

  “Well… I’m glad he was here.” I was a little perturbed by the hero-worship that’d glowed in Thea’s eyes just now as she spoke of Wreck. But, her safety was the bottom line.

  She nodded. “Yes. So,” she said, blowing out a breath and then smiling up at me, “how was your day?”

  I laughed. “Not nearly as exciting as yours. I climbed back into bed, got up a while after you, and my brothers were still missing—are still missing—so I went looking for them. Went to the bar to see if they’d crashed there. They hadn’t. Ed didn’t know where they were, but was pretty sure they were behind the Bigfoot sightings. He said one of his guides also owned a Bigfoot costume, liked to wear it on Halloween. He lives a ways downriver, so I figured I’d drop in and visit you before heading down to check that out. I stopped and asked several people on the way, but no one had seen my brothers. The one suggestion I got, over and over, was to ask Dotty.”

  Thea smiled. “And did you?”

  “As a matter of fact, I did. Harv greeted me with a shotgun.”

  She gasped. “He didn’t.”

  “He did. But he didn’t shoot me, which was nice. Instead, he escorted me inside, where Dotty interrogated me about my intentions for an hour—”

  She covered her mouth in horror.

  “—and then spent another hour telling me I better treat you right. And finally, in the last ten minutes I had the pleasure of her company, she outlined her own personal theory about Bigfoot. Bigfoot, according to your grandmother, is an interdimensional being.”

  Thea’d moved her hand up to her eyes. “Oh, no.”

  “I was not 100% sure whether or not she was serious. Harv kept a straight face the whole time.”

  Thea just shook her head.

  I smiled, watching her. “You’re beautiful,” I said, hoping to catch her off guard.

  She cracked her fingers open and smiled at me.

  “And if you have even half the spunk of your gramma when you get older, you’re gonna be a firecracker.” I reached across the counter, and took her hand. “I’m glad you weren’t hurt,” I added, stroking her knuckles.

  She looked up at me, squeezed my hand, and we had a moment of silent understanding. Her eyes were espresso-colored, I realized. Perfect, just like the rest of her.

  The b
ell over the door jingled.

  “You two,” Helly said, her gaze latching onto us as she walked in. “You two give good erotica,” she said, coming to sit at one of the little café tables. Out of her bag, she pulled a notebook and pen. “Okay,” she said, poised to write. “Dish.”

  Thea and I looked at one another, and back at her. “Hey, have you seen our fuckwit brothers?” I asked.

  “Nope, not since the Passion Party. They left soon after you. Actually, I should say, Suzy kicked them out right after you two took off. She released her goat on ’em,” she said with a chuckle.

  “Okay. So. Brainstorming,” she said, looking down at her notes. “I gotta catch you up. Our hero just met Esmereldita—scratch that, too hard to say. Let’s call her Esmita. He just saved her from a locust-like swarm of miniature dragons. So… now what will you have him do?”

  Thea leaned her hip against the counter, cleaning rag dangling thoughtfully from her hand. “He could brag,” she suggested. “Preen, flex his muscles.”

  I grinned. “He could insist he needs to check her for wounds, make her strip. Get a grope or two in.”

  “Ha!” Thea had transferred her smiling gaze to me.

  “A third choice?” Helly asked.

  “He could take one look, see that she’s a hot mess, destined to be a gigantic, royal pain in his ass—albeit a hot one—and turn around and ride into the sunset,” I said. Thea had sobered at the mention of riding away. I hadn’t meant to draw any parallels with that one, but… ah, well.

  “All right. He flexes his muscles, and pulls something. By the time he looks up, the beautiful woman is riding away on his horse. Or, he comes on strong, forces her to strip, and she shoves a stiletto under his arm, straight into his heart.”

  I winced.

  “And if he rides away, well, there’s nothing there either,” Helly said. “So, how do we get the girl? What’s the right move?”

  “Approach slowly,” Thea said. “Introduce yourself, ask if she’s okay. Comfort her, listen to her.”

  Helly nodded. “Esmita likes you immediately. She’s cold. You—”

  “Give her your jacket,” I said.

  “Yes.”

  “And, what does she do?” Thea asked.

  “She spends the night with you,” Helly said.

  “Well, that was fast,” I said. “Kinda too easy, don’t you think?”

  “It is erotica,” Helly pointed out. “But yes, we need another decision point. The right woman can’t be too easy, can she? You have only the one bedroll. What do you do?”

  “Simple. Give it to her,” Thea said.

  “You sleep alone tonight,” said Helly, “with a really shriveled wiener, because it’s cold outside.”

  “You offer to share the bedroll, to use your body heat to warm her,” I suggested.

  “Women eat that shit up,” Helly agreed. “She is enchanted by you. You might even get lucky, but… more on that later. Last choice: You keep the bedroll.”

  “Lemme guess,” I said. “She shanks me, and takes off with the horse and the bedroll.”

  “Yes!” Helly said, scribbling furiously. “Esmita doesn’t trust easily. You have to win her. And so… you’re sharing your bedroll, and she really likes that.”

  “I’m gonna keep my hands to myself, having seen the knife in her waistband,” I said.

  “You fail,” Helly pronounced. “This is erotica. You can’t just opt out. You gotta go for it.”

  “But why? I can control myself. The lady just had a scare. She doesn’t need me pawing her.”

  Helly locked eyes with me. “There’s just something about her, J.D. Her smell—your nose is in her hair, and you draw that beguiling scent into your lungs with every breath. The shape of her pressed against you—you’ve always been a fan of a woman with a booty, a full, plush posterior, and she’s sure as shit got one of those. Your growing erection’s nestled against it. She feels small and vulnerable in your arms, but she was incredibly brave earlier, trying to fend off those dragons. You haven’t quite come down off that adrenaline high, yourself. You’re happy to be alive, and you’re wondering if she is, too. Wondering what her breast would feel like in your palm—”

  “All right, all right. There’s just something about Esmita,” I said.

  “She’s perfect for you,” Helly said, and I looked at Thea. “She drives you wild with lust. You can’t control yourself. You have to have her.”

  “Yes,” I agreed.

  Thea glowed.

  Helly missed the byplay entirely. “Now that we’ve re-established our goals, how do you go about getting that lush ass of hers pressed directly against you, skin-to-skin?”

  “Kiss her ear, her neck,” Thea suggested.

  My eyes went straight to hers and—damn it all—she was wearing dangly earrings again. These had little blue stones. I wondered if they’d feel cool against my tongue.

  “Hmm. Maybe—” Helly started.

  “Press her onto her back,” I said, eyes still on Thea’s. “Growl sweet nothings in between kisses. Tell her what you want, what you need, what’s gonna happen. Kiss the hell out of her. Don’t give her a chance to speak. Touch her, learn her responses, what she likes. Overwhelm her. Head south, ASAP. The sooner you can get her crazed with lust, the less likely you are to be cheated out of your own finish.”

  The women looked at each other. “Sadly, true,” Helly said.

  “You could just press your erection to her butt, see what she does,” Thea suggested.

  “Meh. If you think she’s gonna turn over, with stars in her eyes, and say, ‘Take me. Take me now!’, you’ve got another thing coming,” I said.

  Helly grinned. “You press your erection to her butt. She turns over.”

  “Oh, please, no.”

  Ignoring me, Helly continued. “‘You’re huge,’ she says, sounding awed. ‘The biggest I’ve ever felt!’”

  Thea made a little snorting laugh, and turned quickly away.

  “Her eyes are glowing with desire, her hair spilling over your arm, her hands sliding down your chest. Farther, and farther down. ‘Take me,’ she breathes. ‘Take me now.’” Helly grinned.

  “Right. What if I kiss her ear?” I asked.

  “She slaps you away. She hates her ears being messed with.”

  “And the turn her over and overwhelm her approach?”

  “It works, until…”

  “Until what?” I asked.

  “You get to her crotch, and bang your chin on something hard.”

  I shot upright in my chair. “Like… an erection?” Helly would do something so perverse.

  “No, silly,” said Helly. “Like a chastity belt.”

  “Well, fuck,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “This broad is way, way too much trouble. If I’m so eager to get my rocks off, can’t I just go to the nearest inn and pay—”

  “J.D.,” Helly chided, shaking her head while Thea giggled. “If I wanted those kinds of suggestions, I would’ve gone to Zack and Rory.”

  “This whole premise is whacked,” I argued. “I can control myself for one freaking night. I don’t have to stick it into every damsel in distress I come across.”

  “It’s erotica,” Helly insisted. “Think about it. You’re Captain Kirk in an alternate dimension. You have to perform. The audience expects it.”

  “Well, what about the work-up?” I asked. “Sexual tension? Foreplay? Talking to her, wooing her, making her want it. The payoff for a little patience is freaking huge.”

  Thea dropped her rag and crossed to me in a couple ground-eating strides. I kinda expected her to slap me. Instead, she yanked my chin up, and stuck her tongue down my throat.

  “Urp,” I mumbled, taking a second to catch up. But when I did, I wrapped my arms around her, and returned the favor. Long, hot, and deep was how I’d describe that kiss. One that you exit as though waking up. Eyes at half-mast, lips shiny, fingers fisted in her shirt. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Didn’t want to let her go.
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br />   Helly was scribbling. “Fine,” she said at length. “I’ve entered J.D.’s fourth option, because obviously, it works. Now, let’s go back to this chastity belt…”

  I sighed. Thea was in my arms, making me want to do things that in no way involved my sister. But Thea’s hands had wandered to my stiff shoulder, and she was stroking me, soothing me, making me not want to move for fear that she’d stop.

  “Let’s see. If Thea were in a chastity belt, what would you do?” Helly asked.

  What would I do? What wouldn’t I do?

  “Have her suck you off,” Thea said, looking right into my eyes.

  Aaaand I was hard. That sounded like a great idea.

  “Or consult one of those clinic posters, ‘101 Ways to Not Have Sex’,” she mused.

  I shook my head vehemently. I mean, fooling around was fun and all, but—

  She kissed me again. She tasted like jelly beans. God, she was perfect.

  “Call a locksmith,” I rasped when I finally had my mouth back.

  “A fair option. But, the only locksmith willing to do the deed is a goblin that wants your firstborn in exchange.”

  “Pick the lock,” Thea said impatiently. Like me, she was eager to get to the main event.

  “I’m afraid the mechanism is the most intricate you’ve ever encountered.”

  “You roll a natural 20,” Thea said. “The chastity belt explodes in a blast of rose petals, and a welcome sign unrolls.”

  Helly was speechless. And then, she started to laugh.

  “Fine, fine,” she said, still snorting. “We’re in. But then… you bang your chin on something hard.”

  I turned my head to glare at her. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “If you think that, then you don’t know me very well at all,” Helly said. Smirking, she put her things away and stood. “Well, kids, that’s all we’ve got time for today. Gary should be home any minute. So, thanks for your help.” Then, as abruptly as she’d come in, she was gone.

  “She’s gonna give the damsel in distress a penis,” I said.

  “Don’t let that distress you,” Thea said, kissing me again.

  It didn’t distress me, per se. Made me more grumpy than anything else. Really brought home the fact that my family was full of freaks. I was descended from freaks, my brothers and sister were freaks. What, then, did that make me?