by Sara Cate
As I get into my car and speed off, looking back at my parents’ graves, Isaiah has his fingers in his hair, staring off in the distance. I had walked away, my head raised, and wondered if my words had affected him. If I have influenced him, it wasn’t enough to stop me.
My bedroom door is open as I storm down the hallway leading to where I’ll lay my head for the next several months. Isaiah’s place will never be the home Mom and Dad made for us. There’s no way the controlling ass beat me here, and I have every intention of finding Chuck and asking who the hell has been in my room, only after I check my stash of marijuana. I cross the threshold just long enough to find Kenzie leaning up against the railings of my bed like she’d been most nights since moving into Isaiah’s mansion. Tears run down her face as she clutches a picture frame in her hand. I look to her right, to my nightstand.
Last night after checking on Kenzie, I scoured through all the boxes I have yet to unpack and found the only family picture I had of the four of us. I don’t know why it was in my room, but the movers packed it for me, taking care not to break the glass. We are ten, and it’s Christmas morning. Kenzie’s grandparents flew in from Nebraska to spend the holidays with her. In the picture, I recognize the anger on my face. Tanya’s parents bought the entire world for Kenzie. She had so many presents that it took her an hour after all of the family gifts were open to unwrap the ones from them.
It must be the picture she’s holding in her own embrace. “Kenzie, it’s River. I’m going to sit next to you, all right?”
Her eyes are shut, but it doesn’t stop the tears from flowing. “Is that the picture of us at Christmas?” I ask.
Despite being my sister, Kenzie is a fucking knockout. But in the picture, her hair was frizzy, knotted up, and her glasses were so thick you couldn’t see her eyes clearly behind them. She was not pretty in that photograph, but last night I looked past all of it and remembered how she followed me around, just wanting to be close to me. And it broke my heart how a tragedy like ours finally made me see the extraordinary person she is.
“Yeah, it’s the Christmas when my grandparents came, and you were so mad.” She’s still not opened her eyes, but at least I have her speaking. “Man, I knew I could make you mad, but you were a whole new level of mad. And I tried to share with you, but…”
“Yeah, because every ten-year-old boy wants a Strawberry Shortcake, pink roller skates, and a Cinderella bedspread.” I remember, and I let out a long, strangled laugh. Those were just a fraction of what she had opened.
“Yeah, but I was thinking of you and how hurt I’d be if the tables were reversed.”
I remember that, too. “Yeah, I started off being an asshole pretty early, didn’t I?”
She opens her eyes, and her down-turned lips, supple lips at that, twist into a slight grin. “Um, I really feel like I’m walking into a trick question if I answer you.”
She lets the picture rest in her lap, and I look upon the memory of a Christmas we had with our parents, knowing this Christmas will be so very different.
“You were always good to me, Kenz, until I pushed you too far, and then you treated me like I’d died.”
I remember the day I pushed her too far, sharing her naked baby pictures with our entire class. And it’s a memory I don’t want to relive. From that point, I wouldn’t ever get the girl who used to follow me around with puppy dog eyes, begging me to be a part of her life.
“Yeah, you could have gotten an A plus in assholeness, River Hanson.”
Even in her remark, she’s not snotty or mean. There’s forgiveness in her tone, and when her hand connects with my own, I almost forget to breathe. I may be imagining it, but I think it’s the same for her, too, as a flush crawls onto her face when it’s nowhere near warm in my room.
“River, I promise you, if you allow me to, I’ll love you. I’ll make up for what we’ve both lost. I won’t let you be alone, but I have to trust you.”
How can she forgive this quickly? It makes my heart hurt, and only one person has broken my heart, up until Mom and Dad’s death. I can’t believe what I’ve missed right beside me—an amazing woman. And beautiful and sweet. And why the fuck are my eyes focused on her plump lips and everything I can do to them?
“River, are you listening to me?” Her voice is strained.
I squeeze her fingers, linked with my own hands, and tip her head to mine. “I can’t believe you’re willing to forgive me for everything I put you through, but I swear, Kenzie Hanson.” My lips are so close to hers, and I think she wants it as much as I do. Our lips even brush, briefly, as she pulls away. I don’t make a big deal of it and continue, “You’ll always have me near you, being your protection, like I should have done for all these years.”
She drops her head on my shoulder as we sit side by side. Looking straight ahead, I don’t know when I wake up, but I’m as uncomfortable as I’ve ever been. And to the right, peace covers me because Kenzie’s head is still on my shoulder, and I realize I’m home with her next to me.
Chapter 13
Isaiah
My before-dinner drink is waiting for me on the table, along with most of the Christmas items sitting in the room.
“Have the children been told dinner’s ready?” I’m having very impure thoughts about these children. Did I really call two eighteen year olds this?
With a swing of his gaze to me and in his impersonal tone, I won’t like what he’s about to tell me.
“Mr. Hanson had pizza delivered. They are in the dining room—stating it is a family tradition. Apparently, they continued to communicate that the three of you are decorating for the holidays.”
Charles’s speech is formal, rarely using contractions. He’s very British in his delivery, and part of me can’t help but laugh at River calling him Chuck. I can imagine his ashen complexion turning to a baby pink or crimson red at the remark.
“They further stated, they ordered enough for quote-unquote The fun sponge. And you can go and join them when you’re ready. But the cook made you your scheduled dinner, just in case.”
With the drink in my hand, I follow the sounds of laughter into the dining room, where both kids are smiling. “You were such an asshole. I thought Mom was going to lose her gourd with you. I sat back like I was eating popcorn, simply watching the show.”
Kenzie’s voice is elevated, and there’s humor lacing her words, but it’s not a dig toward her brother. And there again lies the problem; the idea of the two of them together has my raging monster straining against my pants. They’re siblings, grew up together, but while I imagine her plump lips wrapped around my cock, it’s only with River tasting her pussy.
River’s eyes avert to my own. “See, I told Kenzie you were too uppity to eat pizza with us. Hell, do you even know what pizza is, old man?”
The little fucker has gone from his anger at me to a simple joke.
“I’ll have you know…” I pull for a slice of the pepperoni, cheese oozing from the side, to an extra plate I hope they placed out just for me. “Your dad, and Kenzie’s mom, and I lived on pizza throughout college, along with ramen noodles.”
“But your uppity ass probably hasn’t had that shit in years.” Man, this kid is a dick, a cocky and adorable dickhead.
“I’ll plead the fifth to your question, smartass.” Pulling out the seat, I plop into it, taking the first bite. It has to have been easily a year since I’ve had the wonderful pie of all carbs. “It was mainly for health reasons, my choices of organic and whole foods.”
“Health, like working out.” I won’t go into my health issues, not tonight, and certainly not with these two who pull at my conflicting emotions.
“Yeah, that’s right.” I leave it be. They don’t need to worry more about it. “So, both of you aren’t mad at me anymore?” I have an almost jovial optimism with my question.
Kenzie turns her attention to River, then back at me. “I can’t speak for Kenzie,” he begins as he’s awarded a ruby red smile from the good girl i
n the room. Fuck, I’m a goner for her. “Don’t worry, we’ll go back to mortal enemies tomorrow, but for tonight, it’s about paying homage to our parents. And as much as you’re a thorn in our side, we know you were like a brother to Dad. Even Mom cared for your mopey, asshole ways.”
He’s said it perfectly, and there’s no malice in his voice. “Alright, a truce for the night and back to being a fucker tomorrow. And I’m speaking for you, not me.” I look at the drink in Kenzie’s glass. “Um, what are you two drinking?”
Kenzie begins to laugh, this time a bit more animated, and it’s when I notice her glass of Coke appears a little lighter, and there’s no ice. I’m reminded of how I should most likely lock the liquor up now.
“Yeah, that would be Coke…” Her words are more slurred than I noticed before. “With probably a lot more rum than there is Coke.”
I take it from her, helping myself to her potent cocktail. “Holy fuck, that is strong, even for me, Kenz.” My voice scolds her, but she doesn’t react.
“I’m good; I’m so good right now.” She pulls for her drink, and I keep it just out of reach.
“How much has she had?” I look at his glass, and it’s clear with either water or vodka.
“She wanted to feel good, and I could only think of two things that would make her feel good, and since one was off-limits.” He gives me a wink, and I should be full of fury, but I can’t lie—I, too, have had the same thoughts. “I felt rum was in order.”
He hands me his drink. “Clear minds, father dearest. I thought one of us should be of sound mind.”
I take a swig, and it’s just water. “Good boy.” My sincere compliment makes him smile.
“Okay, asshole, are you ready for tonight because we’re going to decorate the fuck out of your house.” River’s words are meant to goad me.
Kenzie stands, and her fucking skirt is shorter than what she wore this morning. I’ll say she’s pushing me, testing her parameters. “Let’s get this party started.” This is her, and she’s out of the room. My gaze falls to Kenzie’s ass, where some of her rear shows, hurrying out of the room. River is standing next to me. My attention swings to him, and his eyes are the same place mine just were.
“She’s your sister, asshole.” I give him a swat on the arm.
“And she’s your goddaughter.”
He’s got me there. And anyway, it’s not like they’re biologically related.
Fuck, there’s a special place in hell for these wicked thoughts coursing through my mind.
With the drink in her hand, she continues to drown her grief in the alcohol, and I’ll allow it for the night, and one is the limit. She floats around the room, a genuine smile on her face, as she syncs her phone with my speakers, and Christmas music begins throughout the den.
Mariah Carey starts singing. Kenzie floats around the room with the plethora of decorations and smiles as if she accomplished something out of the ordinary.
“Okay, let’s start with Mom’s Christmas village. River? Is that okay?”
River turns his head away from both of us and wipes at his face. This kid doesn’t show his emotions often. I may be one of the reasons he doesn’t. After a month of us working side by side on Robert’s surprise birthday party, he came to me and confessed his feelings. He’d seen me on occasion flirt with men. I’d never hid my sexuality, but then again, it was my business and no one else’s.
He’d never been a kid who shared a lot with anyone except with his mom and dad. It may have been why he’d always been a little shit to Kenzie. But I wanted him, as much as he wished the same of me. And I sent him away that night.
It’s in my soul to want to comfort this kid. It may be one of the many reasons I’ve been such a controlling ass. I had wanted to push him so fucking far away from me, because it would have been in both of our interests. After all, why start something with Riv, I wouldn’t have been able to finish.
There’s even a sniffle accompanied by it, but as soon as his vulnerable moment is over, his whole demeanor changes. “Yeah, Kenz, let’s start with Mom’s Christmas village.”
Charles had gone through the items, anticipating all the extras we would need, and had tables from the basement brought up for Shannon’s village.
“Okay, how do you want to set it up?” she asks, and is clearly inebriated, and I think it’s the only way Kenzie’s able to get through this time and all the memories that surround it.
They begin their own little routine while I sit back and watch as they laugh at remembrances of the past. There’s sadness at times and joy of the parents Robert and Shannon were for as long as both kids remember.
After the village, she tackles a couple items of Tanya’s. I believe this is harder for me than it is for Kenzie.
I watch some of the ornaments Shannon kept of Tanya’s and decorated a tree in honor of Robert’s first wife. After all, they were best friends. I pull out the first on the top of the box and realize what I have in my hands. It was their first Christmas together, and I’d given them their couples ornament. I had no idea Tanya had held on to it. I stand still in all the memories of when we shared an apartment together. I longed to hold Tanya each night, and Robert was the one who was lucky enough to have that honor.
I’m lost in my own world, one which still has Tanya and Robert in it, when a voice pulls me out of my daydream.
“Did you hear me, Isaiah?” Kenzie asks.
“Kenz.” River’s response to Kenzie is stern, and I’ve definitely missed something in his clear warning.
“What did you ask? I’m sorry. I recognized this. I gave it to Robert and Tanya their first Christmas together.”
Her eyes swing toward River’s. “See, even more of a reason to ask.” Her words are borderline authoritative and fuck if it’s not sexy.
“Okay, so ask. What’s up?” My brain has difficulty recovering from such a severe loss in my life, and I have to ask again, as if Kenzie’s words are something I’ve just imagined, and don’t comprehend. “I’m sorry, say that again, Kenz.”
“Now for the third time I’ll ask, did you love my first mother? Were you in love with Tanya?”
I’ve always been private with my love life. I never made a big deal of who I fucked. Man or woman, it was something shared in the privacy of my room. But for some reason, I feel I owe Kenzie the truth.
“I loved your mom more than I’ve ever loved anyone, up until now.” I pause at the words of my confession, River swinging his attention to me. “But I also loved your dad like a brother. I’d been flirting with Tanya for about an hour. Then your dad walked into the bar to meet me for a beer. The second he saw Tanya, it was present in both their eyes—the immediate chemistry. I’d only known her an hour and not really vested, I guess you could say. So with the way both looked at one another, I bowed out and let him have a shot at her. I didn’t think it would go anywhere. Your dad was more of a perpetual bachelor and ladies’ man than I was back then.”
“Ewww, I could live without knowing that shit,” Kenzie sneers, wrinkling her nose at the image I had to have painted.
“Anyway, the more Robert was with Tanya, I hung out with her a lot. Robert and I didn’t go longer than a day without seeing each other, and well, I got to know your mom. I fell in love with her and fuck did I try to fight it, but I couldn’t. I never acted on it, and your father knew. He wasn’t mad because you can’t help how you feel. And because I’d never hurt Robert in the worst way a friend could, I loved her from afar.”
River’s attention is turned toward where I stand as he charges me. He stops all of half a foot from my body. His mouth devours my own, a gasp is heard from behind us. I pull back just enough to see his pupils are blown, and my heart, which always belonged to Kenz and him, has burst.
“It’s why you sent me away that night,” Riv begins. “You didn’t hurt him with Tanya, and you wouldn’t do the same thing with me, knowing it would destroy Dad.”
I don’t hide this interchange between River and me. I cares
s his cheek, tipping his head toward my face, placing a kiss I’ve wanted to give him for so long on his forehead.
“It’s exactly the reason I sent you away, hurting myself as much as I hurt you that night.”
I hold him close to me as he begins to weep in my arms, and through it all, I can’t forget the third person in the room. The girl I want to comfort, just as I am with her brother.
Chapter 14
Kenzie
Are my eyes deceiving me? Can I possibly be witnessing what I’m currently watching in front of me? Was the rum and Coke more than just rum and Coke?
I pinch myself and wince at the pain I’ve inflicted and begin to drool while the beautiful asshole I’ve always known as my godfather embraces my stepbrother in every kind of delicious way, creating nasty thoughts within my mind. The views aren’t gross, but a turn-on, as my underwear dampens and I clench my thighs together.
Strike that thought. I’ve known there’s been something of the intimate nature between River and Isaiah for some time, but now, as they’re in front of me, I can more than see it. I can fucking feel it, radiating off their bodies.
“River, let me in. Let me take the burden from you?” Isaiah’s hand gently sends strokes of tenderness down his jawline. I’m instantly jealous of River’s strong jaw. I want to be part of it. Fuck, I want to be part of whatever they have going on.
“Isaiah.” River’s words are merely a warning, and with the nature of this conversation, I unknowingly let out a long whimper, causing their attention to swing to me. With River’s eyes on me, he drops his head to Isaiah’s shoulder, an act so very innocent and intimate.
“I want to help both of you. Yeah, I’m an ass. It’s the only way I know how to act when I’m hurt, and the pain of losing the man who was, for all intents and purposes, my brother has gutted me. Having you here, in my space is what’s getting me through it.”