Until You Loved Me--A Novel

by Brenda Novak

  “You’re probably right,” Hudson muttered. “I won’t be able to let it go.” Finished with his beer, he stood. “I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.”

  * * *

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  Ellie looked up at Amy and groaned. Once she’d taken the pregnancy test and seen that telltale pink line, she’d stumbled to the couch and had been lying there ever since. Her arms and legs felt like they had fifty-pound weights attached. She didn’t think she could possibly get up. “No.”

  Amy’s face creased with worry as she perched on the chair nearby. “Being pregnant isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you. I mean...you were talking about having a family a couple of months ago.”

  “I was engaged to be married a couple of months ago!” she said. “I thought I was ready to take the next step in my life. But now...” She shook her head in disbelief. How could this have happened after everything she’d been through since finding Don and Leo in her bed?

  Amy stared down at her hands before raising her eyes again. “Are you sure it isn’t Don’s?”

  “Yes, I’m sure,” Ellie said. “I’ve had a period since the last time we had sex.”

  “That makes it easy to pinpoint the father, at least.”

  “True. Thank God for small mercies! Can you imagine what it would be like to carry a baby for nine months and not know who the father was? Not to mention, if there was any uncertainty along those lines, Don would be waiting in the wings for the better part of a year, hoping to celebrate with his new partner. I feel that’s what he was hoping for from a relationship with me in the first place.”

  “I thought he wanted to use you as a front for his family.”

  “That, too. But he’s always wanted kids, and he knows it’ll be harder to have them with Leo than with me.”

  “Then you’re lucky.” Amy gave her an encouraging smile, but one look from Ellie made her smile wither. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

  “No problem,” Ellie said, but she was still playing the injured party. She had a right to feel sorry for herself for a while. But there were a few bright spots. The fact that the baby belonged to Hudson was much luckier than he or she belonging to Don. Her relationship with her ex-fiancé and his new partner had become so hostile. She could only imagine how terrible it would be if she had to tell them she was pregnant. Trying to work out custody and support issues—all of it would have been a nightmare. Not to mention that a child would have bonded her and Don together for life just when she’d begun to think she’d been fortunate to get out when she did.

  “So...you’re positive you can trace this back to that one night at Envy.”

  Ellie detected a sheepish note in her friend’s voice, probably because she was the one who’d taken Ellie to the club and goaded her to let loose for a change. “Yes. No question. Since it’s not Don’s, it has to be Hudson’s. I’ve only been with the two of them in the last seven or eight years.”

  “Okay.” She let her breath go in an audible sigh. “That solves a few other problems, then.”

  Ellie lifted her head. “Like what?”

  “You’ll have total control. You won’t have to tell Hudson he’s got a child.”

  “I can’t tell him. I don’t even know his last name!” And how was that a good thing? He had a right to know! She should’ve left her number that morning at the Four Seasons. He might not have called—but then it would’ve been his fault she couldn’t make him aware that he was going to be a father. At the moment it felt like her fault...

  “That’s my point! You’ll be able to keep the baby all to yourself without feeling guilty about it.”

  But she did feel guilty. That was the problem. And would keeping the baby all to herself truly be a positive thing? She alone would be responsible for the care and nurture of another human being. Her child would have only one parent. That wasn’t unheard-of by any stretch of the imagination. Many single parents functioned fine and did a fabulous job. But could she handle that role—effectively enough that she wouldn’t screw up the little person who’d be relying on her? She was so engrossed in her work. How would raising a child as a single mother affect her ability to succeed as a scientist and vice versa? “I’m not sure you’re helping.”

  Amy got to her feet and began to pace. “I’m at a loss here. I don’t want children—ever—so I feel really bad for you.”

  Ellie rolled her eyes. “Now I know you’re not helping.”

  “I might be blundering around a bit, but I’m trying to find some way to reassure you. You do want children one day, right?”

  “Yes. I’ve always wanted children—”

  She threw up her hands. “There you go! This guarantees it.”

  Ellie had been feeling the ticking of her biological clock. That was one of the reasons her breakup with Don had been so painful. She wasn’t great at getting out and meeting people, didn’t hold out much hope of finding someone else in the next five or ten years. She didn’t want to miss out on raising a family, but having a baby on her own wasn’t something she’d ever considered. “Men have it so easy,” she grumbled. Hudson had been able to enjoy their night together and fly home to wherever he lived without so much as a backward glance, and here she was, paying the price for that encounter. A baby would change everything in her life.

  “It isn’t fair,” Amy agreed, pivoting at the other end of the living room. “But you have a good job with medical benefits. You’ll be able to afford a child. And...once it’s here, I’m sure you’ll love him or her. Of course, there’s all the misery you’ll have to endure before then—the weight gain, the swollen ankles, the possibility of gestational diabetes, stretch marks, backaches and the excruciating delivery. God, I can’t even imagine the delivery. You’ll never be the same. But—”

  She stopped, finally realizing that Ellie was glaring at her.

  “Okay. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

  “Thank you.”

  Amy rubbed her palms on her jeans as she continued to pace, but she didn’t hold her silence for very long. “I’m sorry, El,” she blurted. “This sucks. I usually have an answer for everything, but even I don’t know what to say to make this better.”

  Ellie closed her eyes. “You could say you’ll help...”

  “I will help. I may not want kids myself, but that doesn’t mean I won’t make a fabulous godmother and honorary aunt. I’d be perfect for the job, since I won’t be busy raising a family of my own.”

  “I guess.” Amy didn’t strike Ellie as the godmother type, but she’d been a true friend, so maybe that wasn’t a fair assessment.

  “You don’t sound totally convinced I’d be good with your kid,” she said, her voice filled with suspicion.

  Ellie would’ve laughed except she was too glum. She opened her eyes and stared down at her stomach. Although it was flat at the moment—her baby was only the size of a peanut, if that big—as the months passed she’d look like she’d swallowed a watermelon. That was coming. Too late to avoid it.

  “I have no idea how to tell my parents about this,” she said. “It’ll ruin their year in Europe. They’ll feel they need to come home to support me, even though they tried to complete their travel before I got married, let alone had children. I’ve totally screwed that up for them.” She sniffed, unable to suppress the tears that suddenly welled up. They’d almost come home when she told them about Don, so she knew how they’d react to this. “What am I going to do?” She knew she was in real trouble if she was appealing to Amy, but who else could she turn to?

  Amy came over, knelt by the couch and took her hand. “I’m guessing you won’t want to hear this, but there are...things you can do to...to take care of this if you really don’t want the baby. You don’t have to go through with it.”

  “You’re talking about an abortion.”

 
“Yes. I’ll go to the doctor with you.”

  Ellie snatched her hand away. “That’s not for me. I spend my days trying to save lives. I could never... I mean, I don’t judge anyone for the choices they make, but... You’re right. I couldn’t end the pregnancy.”

  “What about adoption?”

  Ellie rubbed her forehead. “I can’t see myself going in that direction, either. Like you said, I’m almost thirty. And I do want children eventually. Maybe this is my chance. Maybe it’ll be my only chance. The timing isn’t ideal, and it’s been a shock, but...I’ll get used to the idea, won’t I?”

  Amy peered at her more closely. “Will you?”

  “Of course,” she responded, wiping her eyes. Perhaps she wouldn’t have any help caring for the baby, and no support from a financial perspective, but she also wouldn’t have to send her son or daughter off to spend weekends with someone else. She wouldn’t have to cope with the various romantic interests passing in and out of Don’s or Hudson’s lives, either, wouldn’t have to argue with anyone about how she wanted to raise the child. Her parents were busy people, still active, but they’d be supportive. It wasn’t as though she’d be entirely alone—once they got back.

  “I feel like I got you into this,” Amy said, wrinkling her nose in chagrin.

  “You didn’t get me into it, Aim. I’m an adult, responsible for my own behavior.”

  “You wouldn’t even have gone to Envy if it wasn’t for me.”

  “True, but you’re not the one who pulled Hudson into the cab. I did that.”

  Amy reared back. “You did? You pulled him into the taxi with you?”

  Ellie nodded. “Bottom line, I wanted to go to Hudson’s hotel, wanted to sleep with him, or I wouldn’t have done it.”

  Amy’s chest lifted as she took a deep breath. “Okay. So this is entirely your problem.”

  When Ellie gasped, Amy gave her a devilish grin. “Kidding. I’ll be here for you. We’ve always been there for each other, haven’t we?”

  “Yes.” Ellie didn’t understand how or why. They were such opposites, and yet it was always the other people in their lives who came and went. Case in point—she hadn’t heard Amy mention Leslie in a month or more. “I can do this, can’t I, Aim?”

  “You can do anything.” Amy squeezed her arm. “That’s part of the reason I’ve always admired you.”

  For once, Amy seemed to be in earnest. Slightly reassured, Ellie managed a watery smile. “Thank you.”

  “So are you going to call your parents?” she asked.

  “No. I won’t tell them for another five months. That way, they’ll have enjoyed a big chunk of their trip before they’re forced to decide whether or not to cut it short.” She took Amy’s hand. “Somehow I’ll get through the next half year without them.”

  “The way you work, you could end up staying in the lab that long,” Amy said, and they both laughed.

  7

  By mid-January Ellie was four months along and starting to show. She could easily cover the baby bump she saw in the mirror when she got out of the shower each morning with a big sweater over a pair of leggings. But instead of waiting until the last minute, she’d made the announcement at work a week ago that she was expecting, due on June 10.

  Putting off the “big reveal” until the scandal of her breakup with Don could blow over had seemed wise, but in reality, the wait hadn’t made speaking up any easier. She’d barely gotten out of the limelight and didn’t want to step back into it.

  Problem was, she also didn’t like the idea of her fellow scientists or the rest of the staff noticing the curve of her belly and beginning to speculate about a pregnancy. She felt it would be smarter to get out in front of the rumors by revealing the truth herself. Then she wouldn’t be so tempted to assume her coworkers were whispering behind her back. Once a secret was out in the open, it became far less tantalizing to the gossips.

  Not surprisingly, Don didn’t take the news well. She’d spoken up at the end of a staff meeting, had said she was “excited to announce” she’d met someone and, although this “someone” was no longer in her life, she was now pregnant. No one had ever heard her talk about another man, but most of her colleagues had applauded. That was the polite thing to do, since she was acting as if it was good news.

  Although Leo hadn’t been at the meeting, Don was, and, unlike the others, he didn’t pretend to be pleased.

  He’d stood there with his mouth agape. Then he’d come to her lab later in the day, before she left, to insist that he had to be the father. He’d been shocked—and not totally convinced—when she insisted she’d been telling the truth about another man.

  He’d asked for details, but she’d refused to elaborate. She didn’t want her child to feel any less loved because of the manner in which he or she was conceived, so Ellie didn’t say too much. She had a right to her privacy. The only drawback to keeping things vague was that it made Don stay there and argue with her. He’d said he would’ve guessed if there was someone else so soon after him, that she’d done nothing except work. She then said she’d been totally clueless that there’d been someone else—for him—while he was with her. But he told her he was going to demand a paternity test once the baby was born. And she’d said she’d comply if it would put his mind at ease.

  Her capitulation had thrown him. He’d expected her to refuse, but she had no reason to. She knew the baby wasn’t his.

  Agreeing to the paternity test didn’t get him to back off completely, however. Now, anytime he saw her, his eyes followed her around the room as if he wished he had X-ray vision and could see the child she carried.

  It was because of Don that she almost didn’t go to Diane DeVry’s Super Bowl party on January 23. Diane, who’d given her the Outlander DVDs the night Ellie learned about the pregnancy, had invited everyone from the BDC. That meant Don and Leo could come, but Ellie didn’t think they would. Other than golf, neither one of them enjoyed sports. She couldn’t remember ever watching a single game with Don.

  Determined to get out and enjoy herself—she’d been cooped up in the lab far too much lately—she prepared some barbecue wings from a recipe she found online and took them over to Diane’s house. Diane was married to the president and CEO of the Banting Diabetes Center Foundation, so they were on the fund-raising side together, and they had a lovely home in Doral with a huge deck and pool. Diane had shown Ellie several pictures when they were purchasing the property, so Ellie was eager to walk through it in person.

  When she saw the cars lining the street, she felt a little overwhelmed. She’d made the announcement about her baby so recently, she knew she’d have to contend with a lot of questions and comments. Given the circumstances of her child’s conception, that left her uneasy. But she didn’t see Don’s car—or Leo’s, for that matter—so she felt she could handle the extra attention. After all, she had to let everyone react, get it over with.

  After parking as close as she could, she carried her offering inside. The Super Bowl wasn’t a big deal in her world—she didn’t think she’d ever watched more than a few minutes of one—but Amy had met a man through the salon and gone to Vegas for the weekend. With her closest friend and her parents out of town, Ellie had been lonely. She figured this was as good an excuse as any to be with other people. The Los Angeles Devils were playing the Chicago Bears. She knew that much because it was on the invitation, but she didn’t care who won. She was more interested in watching the commercials, since they were supposed to be some of the cleverest of the year.

  “Ellie! I can’t believe you came!” Diane exclaimed as she opened the door and took the Crock-Pot containing the wings.

  “I told you I’d be here,” Ellie said.

  Diane didn’t miss a beat. “I was afraid you’d change your mind and...go to work or something.”

  Ellie didn’t have a chan
ce to respond before Diane’s husband stepped up to greet her. Diane was carrying the Crock-Pot to the island, anyway, which was filled with vegetable platters, cheese and crackers, guacamole and chips, Swedish meatballs, cookies, cupcakes and other sweets.

  “Great to see you, Ellie.”

  She smiled. “Thanks, Dick.”

  He made a sweeping motion with one arm. “Come in, make yourself comfortable and, whenever you’re ready, grab a drink and some food. Game hasn’t started yet. We’ve got another half hour or so while they go through the usual pregame coverage.”

  She thanked him and, after chatting with several of the other scientists and staff—during which she assured everyone she was ecstatic at the prospect of becoming a mother—she loaded her plate. She’d just found a place to sit when she heard a voice that made the blood curdle in her veins.

  “Wow! Nice house. I love it.”

  Don. Don and Leo had come. She’d barely had thirty minutes at the party without them. Struggling to conceal a grimace, she listened as everyone else welcomed them. She wasn’t happy they were here, but she refused to rush out simply because they’d arrived. She’d been having a good time so far. Why let them ruin it?

  Forcing herself to stand, she nodded rather than saying hello, but Don’s eyes didn’t skim over her and move on as they had with all the other guests. He stopped talking as soon as he saw her, and his gaze dropped to her belly, as it always did ever since she’d broken the news.

  “What can I get you to drink?” The enthusiasm in Dick’s voice sounded a bit fabricated when he addressed the newcomers, as if he was trying to stave off an awkward moment.

  Leo answered that he’d like a glass of wine and drew Don farther into the kitchen.