“How long?” I choked out. “How long?”
How long have we been bonded? How long have you been reading my mind?
“Since the night at the motel when I helped you heal yourself.”
The sobs ripped out of me. I’d thought the bonding had been unique to Asher and me. We weren’t the first Healer and Protector to bond, but I had thought it only happened once with one person and my ability to bond had died with Asher. Even Asher had said our bonding was different from any he’d heard about. Like how he could read my thoughts, and I could cure his immortality. I’d hated it that he could read my mind, but I’d dealt with it because I loved him. I’d even accepted that it could be an advantage in a fight, and I’d begun to believe it added to the way we felt about each other. But bonding with Asher’s brother? I imagined Asher’s face if he knew and cried harder.
How could this happen?
“Talk to me, Remington,” Gabe pleaded.
I pressed my lips together. Don’t call me that. Don’t act like we have cute names for each other.
“Hey, this hasn’t been a joyride for me over here, you know.” Gabe’s voice had a hard edge to it. “It’s not like I asked for this!”
I managed to get a fist free and swung at him weakly. His head snapped back and I missed him.
“Are you seriously yelling at me?” I shouted. “You’ve known about this for how long? Maybe you could give me a minute to process the little secret you’ve been keeping to yourself?”
His mouth turned down. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
We sat in silence. I wanted to tell Gabe to get his hands off of me, but he’d know that I would simply fall over without his support. Mind eavesdropping eclipsed verbal lies every time. A desire to continue weeping nearly overtook me.
Pull yourself together, Remy. What good are tears anyway? I rubbed my forehead. Oh Asher. How could this happen?
Gabe swallowed. “Do you know how often you think about him? How often you daydream about him and wish I was him? Geez, Remington, it’s like I’m grieving for him twice, hearing your thoughts.”
His voice sounded raw with hurt, and I cringed. I thought back over the last weeks. Lost in sadness for Asher and my family, I hadn’t been careful with my defenses. Sometimes I’d even left my walls down because the humming of my energy hurt Gabe. Like a small, cornered animal, I’d turned on him, wanting to cause him pain so I wouldn’t feel so helpless. My petty actions had shamed me more than once. And Gabe had never betrayed that he’d known exactly what I was doing.
Even now he wore that irritating distant expression, and I hadn’t a clue what he was thinking.
“Why would you let me hurt you?” I asked, confused. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me that we’d bonded?”
The tendons stood out on his neck, and the impersonal mask slipped a little.
“Gabe?”
“Leave it alone, Remy. You might not like the answer.”
His eyes finally touched on my face. They burned with a heat that had little to do with anger. Once upon a time Asher had looked at me like that. Usually before he kissed me, he would—
“I’m not Asher, damn it!”
I jolted in Gabe’s arms, shocked by the frustration in his voice. For the first time, I looked at him, really looked at him. Not as Asher’s brother or as an enemy Protector, or even as someone who had become my friend. Gabe might be angry, but he held me with tenderness and care. He kept his energy in check, even though he could kill me. Over the last weeks, he could have killed me a thousand times. The way I’d kept my defenses down, it had almost been a challenge to him. An invitation to send me to Asher when I’d tired of fighting. He’d never come close to hurting me.
I’d thought he stayed out of loyalty to Asher. Or to avenge Asher’s death, but it wasn’t a bloodthirsty desire for revenge that made Gabe’s heart beat faster under my hand. I shivered. Gabe cared for me.
And that scared the shit out of me.
“Yeah. You and me both,” Gabe whispered.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Something about that gesture caught my rapt attention. He looked as if he was savoring a favorite scent, the way I inhaled deeply just before I took my first sip of coffee. I stared. Guilt colored his cheeks.
Oh hell.
“You can smell,” I accused.
All of Gabe’s senses were returning. His constant nearness to me would make him more and more mortal. More and more vulnerable to attack.
“Help me heal myself,” I demanded.
After the evening’s revelations, he’d expected me to fight him, rather than let him help me. I’d surprised him, but Gabe shifted into immediate action. His energy swept over me, and I set aside my chaotic emotions. With new eyes, I reached for the tendrils of his power. In the last weeks, it had become easier to use his power. Why hadn’t I remembered how the same thing had happened with Asher? The more our bond deepened, the more comfortable I’d been using his power as if it were my own.
It took forever to heal myself. Melinda’s disease was lethal and widespread. I took it one step at a time, focusing on one area of my body at a time. An hour later, beads of sweat dripped down my face, and I wanted to give up. There seemed to be no end to the damaged blood cells. I’d finally met an illness I couldn’t recover from.
“You give up, and I swear I’ll never let you hear the end of it.”
Gabe sounded upset, so I tried for a smile. “You think insulting me is going to help things along?”
“It’s always worked before.” He wiped my forehead with the edge of the blanket, and I saw how tired he was, too. He added, “You’ve got this. After fighting Dean and a whole group of Protectors, this is a cakewalk.”
“It wasn’t a group. Two isn’t a group.”
“Shut up and concentrate.”
I did. I put every bit of effort I had into it. Too much time passed before green sparks lit the air and I could feel myself returning to normal. I was humming again.
For all of a minute, I let myself regroup. A cold breeze dried the tears I hadn’t known I’d been crying, and I shivered. Gabe swayed in exhaustion, and I put my mental walls back into place to protect him. Then I sat up and pushed myself away from him. He let me go when I stood and the blanket fell to the ground. I walked a few feet and shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. A plan had formed the instant I found out he was becoming mortal because of me. Time to get a move on.
“You have to go, Gabe.”
“If this is because of how I feel about . . .” His voice trailed off, leaving the words unspoken. He sighed. “I already feel like I’ve betrayed Asher. You don’t have to worry about me giving you my class ring or asking you to the prom.”
The last he’d said with forced humor, mocking himself and our situation. I’d always thought Gabe arrogant and prideful. Obnoxiously so. He was, but he’d had his reasons. He’d purposely held himself apart from me to protect himself. Fat lot of good it had done.
“I want you to leave, Protector,” I said in a frigid tone.
Enough. No more pain and death because of me.
Gabe stilled in the act of picking up the blanket. “What are you talking about?”
“I belong here with my grandfather and his people. My people. I’m going to let them test me. If I’m the answer to everyone’s problems, then it would be selfish not to agree. You would only interfere with that if you stay. I don’t need you anymore, okay?”
“Stop it, Remy.”
Despite Gabe’s anger, I kept going, focusing on the bark of a tree above his head. The forest reminded me of Townsend Park and Asher and a day when we had resolved to stay together and face our uncertain future. Would he have made the same decision, knowing he would die such a short time later? The memory firmed my resolve. This was the right thing to do, even if it meant hurting Gabe. Better hurt than dead.
I went for the jugular. “I don’t care about you, Gabe. I never will. It’s pathetic for you to hang around hoping that chang
es.”
I’d never been so purposely hurtful, and I wanted to scream that I was sorry. My stomach clenched, and I physically ached with the need to take the words back. Instead, I bit my lip and squared my shoulders.
“Hey, Remington?”
Gabe’s affectionate tone caught me off guard. I looked down to find him smiling at me, with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Do you remember the night you broke my arm because I threatened Asher?” he asked.
I nodded, confused at why he would bring that up. I’d been goofing off instead of training, and Gabe had taught me a lesson. He’d shown me quite effectively that my inattention could make Asher vulnerable in a fight. Gabe had guessed that I would take my training more seriously if I’d put Asher in harm’s way, and he’d been right. So right that I’d demonstrated a new power. I’d broken Gabe’s arm from across the room without laying a hand on him. I’d only been able to do something like that one time since, when Dean had threatened Asher. I was glad because that night I’d hurt Gabe, I’d scared myself.
Gabe continued. “After you hurt me, you and Asher had this one-sided argument. I only heard his side of things, of course, because he was reading your mind. You were so pissed off, you yelled at him to get out of your head. Do you remember what he said?”
I thought back to that night. I’d been furious at Asher. My walls had been up during that argument, but he’d still heard my thoughts. We’d discovered that when I felt something strongly, my ability to block him out didn’t always work. My feelings had been crushed when I believed Asher afraid of me after what I’d done to Gabe, so my walls had failed miserably. I’d accused Asher of invading my mind, but he hadn’t really been given a choice in the matter that night.
“Asher said it felt like I was shouting my thoughts at him,” I answered slowly.
Gabe nodded. “Yep. That sounds about right.”
He patiently waited for me to catch on. When I did, I crossed to the bench and sank down beside him, completely deflated. So much for good intentions. Apparently I felt strongly about lying to make him go.
“Damn it, damn it, damn it,” I said.
“It was a nice try. Honestly, I appreciate the effort you put into it. My favorite part was when you called me a Protector in your best gloom-and-doom voice.”
He imitated me, and I said, “Shut up, Gabe.”
“No, really. You’re such a badass, Remington.”
Somehow he made me want to laugh when I least felt like it. I didn’t get it. The day had been one more crappy day on top of dozens of others. Bad news kept piling up until I thought I would never be able to shovel my way out. And still Gabe could cheer me out of a good cry. I couldn’t believe I’d once thought him unable to joke. I bumped my shoulder against his, and he put his arm around me. I rested my head against his shoulder.
Gabe? I meant a little of what I said. About what I feel. I don’t want to hurt you.
“I know. It doesn’t change anything.”
He sounded a lot sad and even more resigned.
“How did this happen, Gabe? I thought a bonding only happened once.”
“Me, too. It has to be you. That’s the only thing I’m sure of.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He sounded sure, and I could see he’d thought about this. “Everything that’s happened is because you’re different. You should have bonded with me first, but you didn’t. You made that happen. Not Asher. Not me. I don’t get the whys, but you are definitely driving this bus.”
I tried to imagine how that was possible, but I hadn’t wanted the bonding. I hadn’t even known what it was when it happened to Asher and me. If I hadn’t already cared about him by the time I’d found out, I would have run away.
The whole thing made my head spin. “Are you sure you want to stick around?” I asked.
Gabe shrugged. “It’s summer. There’s nothing on TV except reruns. I have nothing better to do.”
“Jerk.”
Despite everything, I selfishly was glad that he wasn’t going to leave me alone, but tonight’s discoveries brought on more problems. With Gabe becoming mortal, we couldn’t possibly stay. There were too many threats. The Protectors could come back. If my grandfather found out Gabe was a Protector and vulnerable . . . I didn’t want to imagine what Franc might be capable of.
“We have to leave here,” I said out loud.
Gabe nodded, his chin bumping into my head. “Sooner would be better.”
“Let me have tomorrow to say good-bye.”
He nodded again and squeezed my shoulder. One more good-bye. One more Band-Aid to rip off. One more day, and I would be completely without family.
“You have me,” Gabe said, tugging on a strand of my hair.
I did have him, and I thought maybe that made me a bad person because I almost wished I could love him back.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
I packed my things before grabbing a few hours of sleep on the couch. I’d decided to pretend to be weak, hoping I wouldn’t have to explain how I’d healed so quickly. The plan was to leave as soon as Franc left for Pacifica. Until then I would savor the last of my time with my grandfather. He might have been a bastard for asking me to heal Melinda, but I could understand sacrificing for family, even while I ached, knowing that he didn’t love me enough to put me first.
Franc’s steps vibrated through the house when he plodded down the stairs in the morning. I rolled to face him and he spied me awake.
“I’m glad you’re up,” he said, resting both hands on the back of the couch. “After breakfast we’re going to Pacifica.”
“What?” I rubbed sleep from my eyes, seeing our plan to leave today falling apart. “Why?”
My grandfather leaned over me and eyed me with concern. “I want to see if our Healers can help you.”
“But you said—”
He scowled. “I know what I said. They couldn’t help Melinda, but maybe they can help you. We have to try. I should never have pushed you this hard.”
He shoved off the couch and started for the kitchen. I hadn’t expected this. I couldn’t let the other Healers help me. They would know I wasn’t sick anymore, and there would be too many questions. I threw off the blanket.
“Hey, there’s no need, Franc. I’m already starting to feel better.”
My grandfather turned, and I pretended to move slowly.
His forehead wrinkled like he didn’t believe me. “Nonetheless, I’ll feel better if the others have a look at you.”
I stared at his back as he walked out of the room. It looked like I was going to Pacifica.
I texted Gabe from my room before we left. He wanted to come with us, but Franc would never have allowed it. Not after the way they’d left things the day before. I would return to San Francisco later that evening, and until then I would fake my way through their examinations. And tonight, I would sneak out to meet Gabe, and we would leave together. Part of me didn’t mind one last trip to Pacifica. I planned to make the most of it and spend time with Erin. It would be more of a good-bye than I’d been allowed with Lucy.
My grandfather followed me tensely as I crept my way from his truck to Erin’s front door. He’d wanted to help me, but I refused, wanting to prove that I was feeling better. On the way to Pacifica, we argued.
“I’m fine. I don’t know why you’re pushing this.”
He shot me a disbelieving look. “You cured a fatal disease. You’re not fine.”
No matter how I insisted that a night of sleep had done wonders, giving me the time I needed to begin healing, he refused to cave and we lapsed into silence.
At Erin’s house, Franc entered without knocking and ushered me in. I paused on the threshold of the living room. They’d obviously been expecting us. Five Healers waited in the room. Two of them were the women who’d run tests on me before. The other three I’d only met briefly and didn’t know. Delia, Erin, and Erin’s mother were conspicuously absent.
A worm of un
ease slid down my back.
“Come on, Remy. Let’s do this. You’ll feel better afterward.”
Franc pressed a hand between my shoulders to urge me along.
“No,” I said.
Something told me I could not allow these women to touch me. One woman studied me with cold speculation, and another bit her fingernails and wouldn’t meet my eyes. Franc put a little more force into moving me, and I stumbled a bit.
I tossed him an irritated glance over my shoulder. His smile remained gentle, and I wondered if I was reading something into this because I felt nervous about getting caught out. I glanced around the room again.
No. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t just me.
I squared my shoulders and twisted to face my grandfather. I tilted my chin up to meet his eyes.
“I said no, Franc! I don’t want this. I’m not a freaking experiment!”
Horror or surprise widened his eyes. “Of course not! God, Remy! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”
“Then what’s this?” I gestured to the women in the living room.
He shrugged and held his hands out to me in supplication. “I should never have asked you to risk your life for Melinda. I wasn’t thinking. After I saw you so sick last night . . .” Franc stopped, his lips pressed together. “You came to me for protection, and I put you in harm’s way. I let you down yesterday. This seemed the only way to help you. By no means do I want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Please forgive me.”
He hung his head, and I felt stupid for doubting him. My guilt about running away was warping my perception of everyone and making me think everyone had evil intentions.
I gave him a wry smile. “No, I’m sorry for yelling. But trust me when I say that I really am feeling better. I just need you to give me a little space to rest and get my energy back. Please?”
Franc nodded. He went into the living room to talk to the Healers, and I headed toward the hallway that led to the bedrooms, hoping to find Erin. On the way, I passed an open door and glanced in. Alcais’s bedroom. Clean, almost to the point of obsessiveness, every object had its nook or slot. No wrinkles marred the bed’s gray bedspread. The leather-bound books on the shelf over his desk had been lined up according to size and color. Neat freak much, Alcais? He was one person that I would definitely not miss.
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