Imperfect Match

by Melanie Harlow

  I roll my eyes. “Blue again?”

  “Yes, but it’s so muddy it’s nearly gray.” She perches on the edge of my desk and waves her hands around my face in some kind of woo-woo motion. “I sense fear. Indecision. Suppressed communication.”

  Giving up on work, I close my laptop and sigh. “That actually makes sense, believe it or not. I’m trying to think of a way to convince Reid not to bolt when I tell him I’m going through with the artificial insemination.”

  My sister nods thoughtfully. “The boobs didn’t work?”

  “Uh, they were a little too distracting. We didn’t exactly have a conversation once boobs were involved.”

  “That can happen.”

  “But before that, we had a terrible fight. I told him I still wanted to go through with the appointment, and he let me know in no uncertain terms that he’s totally against it.”

  “Did he give you a reason?”

  “Honestly, I think it comes down to jealousy. He thinks by using a sperm donor I’ll be having a baby with another man.”

  “Well, technically you are.”

  “But it’s not like that at all!” I jump up and start to pace behind my desk. “That’s just biology. It’s not love.”

  “So why not ask Reid to be the donor?”

  I stop in my tracks. “Reid?”

  She shrugs. “Sure, why not? He’s a little bougie for my taste, but his genes are probably solid.”

  “I know, but …” I chew on my thumbnail a moment. “I don’t think I can ask him. It will put him in a really weird position.”

  “What? Sharing a lifelong bond with you? Shouldn’t he want that anyway if you’re in love?”

  “Yes, but … I don’t want to push. I feel like we just got to this really amazing place, and if I ask that of him, he could freak out and run the other direction. The whole reason I didn’t ask him in the first place is because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I was scared he’d feel pressured to say yes, and then it would be all awkward between us.”

  “But you’re more than friends now, Willow. Things are different.”

  My stomach knots up. “I don’t want things to be different. I thought I did, but now I’m scared.”

  “You need to let go of that fear, sister. It’s holding you back.” Aspen stands up and glides over to me, taking me by the shoulders. For once, she doesn’t do anything strange—she just looks me in the eye. “Do you want Reid to be the father of your child?”

  The thought of it makes my heart want to burst. “Yes.”

  “Then you need to ask him. Maybe that’s what he’s waiting for, Willow. A sign from you that he’s the one.”

  For once, my sister might actually be right.

  “Okay,” I say, taking a shaky breath. “I’ll ask him tonight.”

  Twenty-Two

  Reid

  The amount of emotions I’m battling is exhausting. I woke up after we spent the night trying to fix what I broke only to find that fucking note. Then, when I grab my phone to call Willow, I have two missed calls and a voicemail from my assistant that I need to come into the office and put out a fire.

  Once I get there, the entire fucking world is falling apart because my client is an idiot and wants to change the entire plan we had laid out. Instead of having a big portion of the marketing budget go to social media, like I advised, he now wants print ads.

  Then, I couldn’t get a hold of Willow, but in a way I’m glad, because I was in no state to talk to her. Still, I spent most of the time looking at my damn phone, waiting for her to call. I willed it to ring, and then when it actually did, I sent her to voicemail because I didn’t want to hear what happened at her appointment. Hell, I still don’t.

  When she says that she’s going to go through with having a baby, it’ll be the end of what we have. We won’t be able to find common ground. It doesn’t matter how much I love her. I won’t be enough. I promised her when we started this that she would never lose me, and I realize now what a fucking asshole I was to say it, because that’s exactly what will happen.

  She’s going to go on with her life, raise her baby, and I’m going to be over at my place raising Leo. I’ll have to move because I can’t even stomach the idea of her pregnant by some dickhead. The thought alone makes me sick.

  I get through the doors of our apartment building and head to Willow’s. There is a note on the door, telling me to come in.

  I open the door. “Wills?”

  “In here,” she calls from the kitchen.

  The smells assault me—chicken, spices, tomatoes, and cheese. My stomach growls.

  When I get in the kitchen, I can’t even believe my eyes. The countertops and tables are filled with rolls, pastries, lasagna, stuffed artichokes, a salad, and she’s frying what smells like chicken. “What’s all this? Are you expecting people?”

  “No. Just you.”

  Okay, I know I eat a lot but this is insane. “Right, well, you know that I can’t possibly eat all this, right?”

  “I know. I stress cooked.”

  “Apparently you’re really stressed. I would much prefer another way to work it out, but I guess we all have our things.”

  She tries to smile, but then her lip quivers. “Are you not hungry?”

  Like that’s ever been in question. “I can always eat, Wills.”

  “Good, and then ... after, we can …”

  I finish her sentence. “We can talk about today.”

  I take a good look at her seeing how much stress is in her eyes. She’s trying to fight it, but I know her too well. Then, after another heartbeat, a tear falls. Before I can take a step, she rushes towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck, and I hold her tight. The sound of Willow crying is like a knife to my soul. Knowing that I’m the one causing her tears makes it even worse.

  “Don’t cry. I can’t handle it when you cry.”

  “I know. It’s just that I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  She cries harder. “I know how you feel and I’m trying to understand better because …” She pulls back and I rub my thumb against her cheeks, wiping the tears that have fallen.

  “Because?”

  “Because I want us. I want it all, Reid. I want you and I want us and I want for it to be us.”

  I feel like she’s talking in circles. “You want for what to be us?”

  Willow takes a step back, she releases a deep sigh and then her eyes fill with resolution. “I’ve been in here for hours, cooking and flipping through this book of guys trying to find a father for this baby I’m going to have, and you know what I realized?”

  I want to fucking throw something through the wall when I imagine her looking for a man who is able to give her what she wants because I won’t.

  “Don’t say it,” I command. “I don’t want to know about some asshole donor who doesn’t deserve to know you, let alone get you pregnant.”

  But Willow doesn’t obey commands. “That’s just it. I realized I don’t want some donor’s baby. I want yours. I want you, and I want a baby that has your blue eyes. I want to look at his or her little face and see resemblances to your nose, your mouth, your dark hair.”

  I shake my head because this is absolutely not going to fucking happen. “Stop, Wills.”

  “I want to hold a child that is equally you and me. I want to have this life with you because I’m so deeply in love with you.”

  Jesus Christ. She can’t be serious. She only wants this because she doesn’t know what the hell lives inside of me. The man I’m destined to be. Why would she allow that around her child?

  “Willow, this can’t even be an option. I can’t possibly have a kid with you. I won’t do that. I will never be a father.”

  “Why? Why won’t you do this with me? I love you and you love me, Reid. It doesn’t make sense to me.”

  Of course it doesn’t. She grew up in the perfect home. She had two amazing parents who loved her and Aspen. They gave them things, not just mater
ial things, but love and support. In my home, we were only given what would further my parents’ twisted game of manipulation. I saw how two people who loved each other became the worst versions of themselves and destroyed two kids in the process.

  “If you grew up in my house, you’d understand. I won’t be the father of your kid. I won’t be the father of anyone’s kid. I told you this. I told you how I felt about marriage and having a family.”

  She bites her bottom lip and fights back the welling moisture in her eyes. “I think I knew that would be the answer, but God, I hoped …”

  “Hoped what?”

  “That this wouldn’t be how it ends. I wished it so hard because I’m not ready to lose you.”

  I start to pace, pushing my hand through my hair. “Lose me? Why does this have to be the end? Jesus, Willow. You can wait. You can put this off, right? There’s no need to do this right away.”

  She shakes her head with her lips parted. “Wait for what, Reid? You’re not willing to even think about it. It’s just no. So what am I waiting for?”

  “Time! Just time together.”

  “I don’t want to wait. I thought that maybe you’d see that this is the way we can stay together. Otherwise I have to give up the one thing I really want. I would have to find some way to accept that all I’ll ever be is this.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “It means, I’ll be good enough, but never enough. I’ll always be fighting this distorted version of you, the one who thinks he’s just like his father. Which I would do, I would fight every day for the rest of my life if I thought I could make you see how wrong you are. You won’t let me, though.”

  “Because you only know the man I allow you to see. If I married you, Wills, I would ruin you. I would become him, because that’s who I am underneath what I let show.”

  Willow is so damn sure of me that she refuses to break or bend. “That’s where you’re so wrong. All I want is you. All of you. I want the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful parts. I want to wear a white dress and walk to you. I want to have a part of us growing inside me. I want to show you how you are nothing like your father. You are kind, compassionate, and you have the greatest capacity for love.”

  My heart breaks. Everything inside of me is tight because I see the resolution in her eyes. She wants this. No matter what I say or do, there is nothing that will change. Willow wants her family and that includes a child. And now she thinks it should be me who fathers it. But I can’t give her the one thing she wants, no matter how much I wish it.

  Fuck.

  “You want to believe that, but I could never love a child, Willow, because I was never loved as one. I don’t even know what that looks like.”

  She wipes the tear. “I would show you.”

  I laugh once. “And I would show you a monster. I won’t do it. I won’t have a kid. I won’t marry you. I told you all of this and you didn’t believe me.”

  “Then that’s that? There’s nothing that will ever change your mind?”

  “No.” I can only control this.

  “I always knew I wouldn’t get to keep you,” she says as she clutches her stomach. “I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt when our time came.”

  She’s being irrational. I have to find a way to get through to her, because this doesn’t have to be the end. We can still be together now—she just has to delay her baby plan.

  “Why does this have to end? Why can’t we work it out? When the hell are you having this kid?” I know I’m going in circles now, but the finality of this is eating me alive. I’m desperate for some kind of option that buys us more time together.

  “I can go next month to get started.”

  “Next month!” I shout. “No! You can’t do this, Willow. You can’t go next fucking month. Just give me six months. A year. Then … then, I don’t know. We’ll find a way to be together through this.”

  Willow takes a step back and releases a half-laugh. “How would that work, Reid? What possible scenario do you see where this is salvageable?”

  “I don’t know, but it has to be.”

  She wipes another tear from her face. “Okay, let’s talk about it. I want a baby. Do you?”

  “No, the Fortino bloodline has to end with me and Leo.”

  “And what about marriage?”

  My mind reels as I try to find the words to make her understand why I don’t want to ruin us by getting married. But all I say is, “I love you, Willow.”

  “You love me, but you don’t want to get married, and you don’t want to have a baby. So, basically, you want me to be a permanent girlfriend?”

  “I want you to … to be … in my life,” I stammer. None of this is coming out right. “There is no one else that matters to me like you do.”

  Her eyes pool back with another round of tears. “But I don’t matter enough, right?”

  “This isn’t about enough. This is about me not being able to be a husband and father, but not wanting to give you up. I love you too much.”

  She nods. “So then you’ll be okay with me having a baby on my own in the next year or so, using a sperm donor? You understand that becoming a mom is what I’ve always wanted, and if you can’t give it to me, another man will provide the thing I want most in this world?”

  Fuck no. “No. I know that makes me sound like a caveman and whatever, but I can’t stand the thought of another man inside you in any way. I can’t watch ... I can’t see or ... think about that.”

  “So where does that leave us?”

  There’s a loud ringing in my head right now and I’m ready to lose it. She knows why. She heard the stories, and that wasn’t even the half of it.

  My gaze is locked on Willow, the woman I love more than anything. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and makes everything better. My entire world is a better place because of her, and I would destroy that if we got married. The darkness that my family possesses would tarnish her.

  What about when we fight and more of my father becomes prevalent? What then? How will I ever live with myself knowing that I came from a man like him and ruined her? I can’t have a baby, because the cycle will continue.

  Another male Fortino to further distort the world.

  No. No fucking way.

  “I won’t have a child. I don’t want to get married not because I don’t love you but because I do love you.”

  She closes her eyes, letting a tear slowly drip down her cheek. “I know. I know that’s what you think at least.”

  “But you asked me anyway?”

  “I gave you the only option I could think of to keep us together.” Willow’s voice is low. “You can’t handle me having another man’s baby, no matter how clinical it is. But you won’t have a baby with me, or give me the things that I want and need, which leaves us here.”

  “Where is that?”

  Her hand lifts as she runs her fingers through my hair. “At the end.”

  “Willow,” I say quickly and step back. “Why can’t you give us more time?”

  She laughs once. “Time for what? Time to drag me along, make me fall further in love with you, while you wait me out until I can’t have kids?”

  “No, I want you to have what you want. Of course I do.”

  “You just won’t be the man to give it to me.”

  Jesus. She doesn’t get it. “You don’t really want it to be me. You can’t want what my mother has lived with her whole life! I won’t do that to you, Willow. I won’t allow you to become a shell of the woman you were because I’ve drained the life out of you. I won’t make my kids deal with the hell that comes from having a Fortino as a father. And … fuck, I know I’m not being fair to you,” I say as the fight drains out of me. “But I’m asking you to be happy with what I can give you, take me for who I am.”

  The realization hits me like a brick—I’m my father. I’m selfish and unforgiving. Here I am, standing here, begging her to love me unconditionally, but not willing to love her the
same way.

  “You are not your father, Reid. One day, you’re going to see that. I see that.”

  If only that were true. I’m him in many ways, she just doesn’t see it. I was groomed by him to be a complete replica. My job, my life, was all laid out for me, and while I might have walked away, his blood is still there in my veins.

  “You see hope for change where there’s none,” I tell her.

  “You’re wrong. But you know what? I can’t fix this. I can’t force you to see yourself clearly, and I refuse to give up everything I’ve ever wanted.”

  I start to pace, desperate to find something to make this situation different. She has to understand it’s not about keeping her from what she wants, but about protecting her from what would come.

  “Willow, please, just listen to me.” My heart is racing. I see the goodbye. I know exactly where this is going. “If we can just stay like this, we’ll be fine.”

  “No, we won’t. I’m always going to know there’s an expiration date. You can’t want that for me.”

  I don’t want any of this. “Give me a year.”

  “And then, what, Reid? Huh? Then you walk away?”

  “I don’t know!” I yell and grip the back of the chair. “I don’t know, but I can’t fucking lose you, Wills.”

  She takes a few steps back. “You can’t give me what I want. I can’t give you what you want, and staying for a year or two, or even a few days, is going to lead to the same result.”

  “You knew this. You knew how I felt about marriage and kids. You knew I couldn’t give you this! Now I’m the bad guy?”

  Her head shakes and tears keep falling, each one slicing me open. “You knew what I wanted too. You knew before we ever slept together that I was going to have a baby. We both entered this relationship with eyes wide open, but thinking ... God, I don’t even know what I was thinking.”

  I do. I know exactly what it was. Like every other woman alive, she thought she could change a man. However, that couldn’t happen here because I will never hurt her by doing what I know would only injure her. “I guess that’s it then.”