The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  She had asked Kelly over impulsively but was glad she had. After her odd reaction to Rory and Patty, she needed to get her bearings. She was still confused about why the thought of the two of them together had upset her. She wasn’t the jealous type, and even if she were, what did she have to be jealous about? Patty and Rory were adults, free to do what they wanted. Rory didn’t need her protection, and Beth didn’t need to be concerned about her. Besides, Beth had Kelly, and tonight they had reaffirmed how good they were together. They had shared a lovely dinner, caught up on the events of their week, and made love, sweetly and gently.

  Kelly had been everything Beth needed to get her mind off the earlier events of the day. In fact, Beth hadn’t thought of Rory all night.

  Until now.

  Chapter Three

  August 16

  “We’re going to a super-secret-society meeting of queer Darlington?” Raine asked Patty on Sunday afternoon.

  “Something like that.” Patty laughed easily. The awkwardness of their earlier interactions had faded after the many hours of sex last night and again this morning.

  “If it’s such a secret, then why are you taking me? We barely know each other. I might be a spy,” Raine teased. Patty was good for her ego. Now instead of the total panic that had accompanied her drive through Darlington, she was only mildly queasy.

  “After the things you did to me last night, I can vouch for your lesbianism.” Patty pulled into the driveway of a brick ranch home near campus. “I’m not closeted, but some of the other members are, so we can’t advertise. We find each other by word of mouth.”

  “It’s so very 1950s.” Raine didn’t know whether to be impressed or horrified that an underground group of gay and lesbians met in Darlington.

  “Welcome to small-town America.”

  Patty barely knocked before she let herself in, and Raine followed. The entryway opened into a living room where several people lounged on large black leather couches around a glass table covered with decadent snacks. A gay man had to be their hostess. But Raine was more curious about the people who would attend an event like this than the decor.

  The young man she’d met in the dean’s office, Miles, jumped up to greet them. He barely acknowledged Patty before he turned his attention to Raine. “Look what the cat dragged in. It didn’t take you long to find us.”

  Miles was even gayer here than he was in the office. “I work quickly.”

  “So I’ve heard. Every one of your references said you were absolutely explosive, so we’re all eager to see you in action here in Darlington. Looks like Patty already got a sneak peek.”

  As much as Raine liked for people to be aware of her sexual prowess, she wasn’t big on having them turn her night with Patty into a tawdry joke. Instead of responding to Miles’s comment, she moved past him to a middle-aged Asian man who stood to greet her.

  “I’m Raine St. James.” She extended her hand.

  “I’m Wilson Taguchi. You’re a celebrity here.”

  “Maybe at the college,” Raine conceded, “but I doubt the rest of town would agree with you. I’m more infamous than famous.”

  “That’s not true,” someone said from behind her.

  Raine spun around. She’d heard the words clearly, and now she saw who had spoken them, but she still couldn’t connect those two things.

  Beth Devoroux stood in the doorway to the kitchen, looking every bit as startled as Raine. They froze there a few silent seconds and stared.

  “I don’t suppose you stopped by to borrow a cup of sugar.” Raine’s attempt at humor fell flat.

  “No,” Beth said, as if weighing her words. “I’m a member of this group.”

  “A member of the group, Beth? Like it’s the Rotary Club?” Raine didn’t know why she was reacting this way, but the words poured out. “I think you meant to say you’re a lesbian. Isn’t that what you meant, Beth?”

  Beth opened her mouth, but her words faded quickly when a dark-haired woman entered the house.

  Raine scanned her features as tendrils of recognition tugged at her memory. The woman turned first to Beth, her smile fading before she faced Raine. The images flooded back. Her hair had been longer, her appearance more refined, but her expression was the same—disgust.

  Ten years earlier they’d stood staring each other down in much the same fashion. Raine had been hungover at school the morning after a big party at the lake and was doing a terrible job of hiding her condition. She had finally had to make a break for the bathroom, barely entering the stall before she vomited. When she pulled herself together enough to stand up, she was face-to-face with the judgmental, condescending eyes of the class tattletale, Kelly Rolen.

  “Why are you here?” Kelly practically spat, bringing Raine back to the present.

  “I’m here for a super-secret gay-and-lesbian meeting,” Raine said, smiling slyly. Even after all these years, it was still fun to piss off this holier-than-thou bitch. “You see, Kelly, I’m a lesbian, a big one, so I’ve got a good reason to be here. The bigger question is why are you?”

  Kelly’s face burned red as her forehead wrinkled and she clenched her fists at her side. “You lazy, selfish, good-for-nothing piece of trash. When the hell will you grow up?”

  Raine feigned boredom as the other people in the room shrank from the conflict. Raine thought for a minute that Kelly might actually hit her, but she was pretty sure she didn’t have it in her, so she stood her ground. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You think you can just waltz in here after everything you wrote about this town and all of us who live here? You think you’re welcome or that any of us want you around? You’re a joke, a flaming dyke mascot.” Kelly radiated anger, and Raine felt satisfied that she could still get such a rise out of her, so she let her continue to rant. “We all live nice, quiet lives. We don’t need you and your cavalier attitude making us out to be some kind of a freak show.”

  “You’re the one who’s bent out of shape. I’m having a lovely time getting to know everyone.” Raine chuckled. “Why, Beth and I were having an unbelievably enlightening conversation when you interrupted.”

  “Beth?” Kelly turned her attention back to Beth, whose face plainly displayed turmoil and fear.

  “Raine,” Beth pleaded. “I know you’re surprised, but you’ve been gone a long time. We’ve all changed. We’ve chosen different lives. I respect the choices you’ve made.”

  “I don’t,” Kelly mumbled, but seemed to regret her words when Beth looked at her with a gentle reprimand.

  “I’m asking you to respect our right to live our lives in the way we see fit,” Beth said.

  Raine shrugged, the fun of her attack on Kelly diminished. “Whatever. If you want to camp out in the closet, that’s none of my business, but I won’t lie about who I am.”

  “We aren’t asking you to lie. We’re asking you not to out us.”

  “Not me,” Patty interjected.

  “Shut up, Patty,” Kelly shot back. “You’ve got the decorum of a toddler.”

  “God, Kelly, you haven’t changed a bit. You’re still as self-righteous as you were in middle school.” Raine laughed.

  “And you’re still as reckless.”

  Raine smiled. That was mostly true. She’d always had a rebellious streak, even when she was Rory. It had kept her from going insane worrying what other people thought of her. The few times that façade had cracked were none of Kelly’s business, so she was more than happy to let her think of her as carefree. “Patty’s got a good point, though. If I’m going to respect your wishes, I should at least know what they are, right? Who’s out, and who’s a closet case?”

  Kelly flinched at the derogatory term, but Beth cut her off. “That’s fair enough. I’m out only to a few people, so it’s best not to mention my sexual orientation around campus.”

  “I’m gay as the day is long,” Miles interjected. “I couldn’t hide it if I tried.”

  Raine was glad he recognized t
hat fact because she would never have been able to keep up that charade. “What about you, Wilson?”

  “I prefer to focus on my career and not my personal life,” he said timidly. The earlier confrontation had probably shaken him up.

  “Got it,” Raine said with a wink that elicited a small grin from him. “And I think I know where Patty stands, so how about you, Kelly?”

  “You know how I feel,” Kelly said through gritted teeth.

  “I don’t want to assume anything.” Raine liked to watch Kelly Rolen squirm.

  “My private life is private. You don’t have the right to say anything about me to anyone, ever. Is that clear?”

  “Crystal.” Raine saluted and then flopped into a large armchair. “Now that’s out of the way, let’s get this party started.”

  Raine saw a cryptic look between Beth and Kelly, but Miles soon distracted her. He wanted to know about every musical she’d ever seen in Chicago. The group settled into a casual truce, and conversation flowed much easier.

  Two more hours passed before everyone began to head home. Wilson was the first to leave, saying he wanted to get a good night’s sleep before classes started in the morning. Then Beth began to pack her things, and Patty joined her.

  “I guess tomorrow’s a big day for all of us,” Raine said, thinking about her first day of teaching. She probably should have been thinking about it a lot more this weekend. “I don’t feel ready at all.”

  “I never do,” Patty said.

  “I haven’t found my classrooms, met my department chair, or picked up my class list,” Raine said. “I haven’t even been to the store. I’d better do that, or I’ll starve.”

  “What did you do for Sunday dinner?” Beth asked sincerely. “Did you go to your mama’s?”

  “Hell, no.” The fierceness of her reaction surprised Raine, and she toned it down immediately. “I mean, I haven’t seen my parents for ten years.”

  “You haven’t seen your mother since you got home?” Beth stared at her like she’d grown a set of horns and a forked tail.

  “No. I thought you said you read my writing. They didn’t want a gay kid, so I got lost,” Raine said flatly. She’d told the story so many times she’d learned to speak without revealing the pain that still ran beneath her cool exterior.

  “Do they know you’re here?”

  “I have no idea. Someone may have told them. You know how word gets around.”

  “Yes, I do, and that’s why you need to go over there,” Beth snapped. For as smoothly as she’d handled the earlier conflict, her vehemence on this issue seemed disproportionate. “What if they heard it from someone else? Or what if they saw you at the store? For God sakes, Rory, think about what that’d be like for them.”

  Raine winced at the sound of her old name, but she didn’t back down. “Think about them? That’s rich. Why don’t you think about what it’d be like for me?”

  “I know you’re upset with them, but they’re your parents. The least you can do is let them know you’re less than a mile away.” Beth’s forcefulness was out of character for her and caught Raine off guard, but it couldn’t override the natural defenses she’d built up over the years.

  “I haven’t been hiding. If they were concerned about me they could’ve said something, but they didn’t. I never got so much as a ‘how’re you doing?’ from them. They don’t want me.”

  “Rory, you’re being stubborn and childish. Your mama and daddy are right across town. They at least deserve to know you’re here.” Raine tried to turn away, but Beth stepped into her way, refusing to let her disengage. “Don’t make them hear that from someone else. You need to be up front with them. You’re a grown woman. When do you plan to act like one?”

  “What do you expect? She’s got no respect for anyone,” Kelly quipped.

  “Not now, Kel,” Beth said sharply.

  “Kel?” A connection snapped into place and Raine recalled Patty’s earlier reference to someone named Kel. Why hadn’t she remembered that sooner? Kel wasn’t a Kellen. It was Kelly. “You two are sleeping together?”

  They turned and stared at her open-mouthed. “Wow, Beth Devoroux and Kelly Rolen. That’s a couple. Two of Darlington’s finest. Now I get the whole closet-case routine. Wouldn’t want to tarnish those perfect images of yours, right?”

  “Rory, please...” Beth didn’t seem to know what else to say.

  “Talk about being up front with people. You hypocrites. You’re lecturing me about taking responsibility for my relationship with my family?”

  “Our relationship is private,” Kelly said firmly, but Raine could clearly read the fear of exposure in her body language.

  “Then so is my relationship with my parents,” Raine said resolutely before she stormed out the front door.

  Chapter Four

  Beth stared at the door Rory had slammed behind her. What had just happened? She thought they’d made peace after the earlier fight. Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone when Rory said she didn’t want to see her parents?

  “Whew, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” Miles finally said.

  “I told you she’d be trouble,” Kelly added. “Why do you even try to pacify her?”

  Beth held up her hands. “Not now. I’ve had enough of this for today.”

  “You’re right,” Kelly said, but Beth knew she was the one being pacified now. If it were up to Kelly, she’d go on about Rory all night.

  “Thank you for hosting, Miles. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Beth kissed Kelly briefly, more out of habit than desire. “And I’ll see you Tuesday.”

  Beth arrived home still as confused and frustrated as she’d been when she left Miles’s. She began to dust, as if cleaning her home could also clean her mind, and right now she desperately needed a clear head.

  Dust rag in hand, she wiped her way around the living room of the old farm house, picking up photographs and knickknacks. After she inherited the house and farm from her parents, she’d had to sell all the land her father had grown corn and soybeans on. She’d also cleared out their things from the bedroom and donated their clothes to charity, but she couldn’t part with the house or the mementos that tied her to the past.

  She missed her parents. She had no siblings, and her grandparents had died before she was born. Her own family tragedy was responsible for a lot of her outrage at Raine’s cavalier attitude toward her own family. Though the St. Jameses weren’t perfect and had obviously made a horrible mistake in how they’d treated Rory, they were still her parents. Didn’t they at least deserve a visit or a phone call? Rory had a second chance with them, a second chance to show the whole town who she really was. Why was she so content to squander it?

  Beth set down a ceramic angel she’d been dusting and gazed at a picture of her and Kelly. It was the only one she displayed in a public area of the house, and nothing in it suggested they were anything more than friends. It had been shot in St. Louis at a Cardinals baseball game. They stood smiling in the sun, both dressed in red and white, with the expanse of the old Busch Stadium behind them. A casual observer would assume they were two young friends at a ball game, but Beth saw the first morning they woke up together. They’d stayed at a hotel in the city, away from the watchful eyes of neighbors and closed off from Kelly’s fears of being outed. Beth was twenty-one years old, and for the first time since her parents died she felt truly safe.

  She loved Kelly, and Kelly loved her, but Rory did have a point about their hypocrisy. She’d asked Rory to respect them but hadn’t told her the truth about what she wanted respect for. She’d yelled at Rory to be up front with her parents, when Beth had refused to be up front with her. Then again, she had every right to keep her private life private. Rory had broadcast her history with her parents in every gay and lesbian publication for years. She and Kelly, on the other hand, had worked to protect what they had together. Telling Rory about their relationship would not only endanger Beth, it could hurt Kelly too. Was she really supposed to feel gu
ilty about protecting Kelly from a virtual stranger?

  A stranger? Was that what Rory was? Her head knew that was true, but her heart wouldn’t give in. She hadn’t seen her in a very long time, and even before that they’d never been close. So why did she feel connected to Rory? Why had she worked so hard to get her the job at Bramble? She’d chaired the committee that hired her, made all her living arrangements, and contacted her agent personally. Why was she so invested in Rory’s well-being?

  Did she have a lingering high-school crush? Surely she wasn’t that pathetic, and if Rory’s behavior so far was any indication, they had nothing in common. Rory was angry, insolent, and promiscuous. She’d arrived with Patty in the clothes she’d worn the day before. Beth’s stomach tightened. Did it upset her that Rory and Patty had slept together?

  “This is ridiculous,” she said aloud, and tossed the dust rag down the laundry chute. I don’t have time to obsess over other people. Classes started tomorrow, and she needed to get some sleep. If Rory didn’t care about what she was throwing away, Beth shouldn’t have any problem with it either.

  *

  Raine couldn’t get out of her car yet. After Patty had dropped her off at the college she was too agitated to stay in her apartment. She’d spent an hour wandering around campus trying to burn off her energy, but when that didn’t work she found herself in her car. She drove automatically, the echoes of her fight with Beth overwhelming her consciousness.

  Beth was a hypocrite, but that shouldn’t surprise her. Darlington was full of hypocrites. Why had she let Beth get to her like that? Who cared if she and Kelly were together? They were perfect for each other. Prim and proper small-town girls who probably spent more time worried about getting caught than thinking about each other. A pair of closet cases that still believed lesbians had to hide in the shadows. It amazed her that they’d found each other. How did they even have time to date with all that fear and self-hatred they were so invested in? Beth and Kelly reinforced everything Raine ever wrote about Darlington.