The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  Raine pulled away as the reality of what she’d done sank in. That was Beth Devoroux she’d been holding. Sweet, alluring Beth, the one woman who could make her feel at ease even in the place that had filled her nightmares for years. Beth, who emboldened and frustrated her, who chose to remain closeted instead of fighting for herself and her relationship, who shared her bed and body with a woman who wouldn’t be seen with her. Raine couldn’t absorb the contradictions. How could a woman that felt so right be so wrong for her?

  As the crowd began to move toward the exits, revelry echoing through the concourses of the stadium, Raine struggled to manage her emotions. She didn’t get tangled up with women like Beth. She liked to be in control. She didn’t fall for women with girlfriends, women in the closet, or women from Darlington. Ever since she’d returned to her hometown, she’d been out of her element, and it was starting to affect her judgment. She’d relaxed her standards, compromised her beliefs. Her worldview and sense of normalcy had been distorted. She had let Rory creep into her previously cherished identity as Raine.

  She needed to get away from Beth before she said or did something they’d both regret. They needed distance between them, both literally and philosophically. Raine had to break her ties with Beth before she let herself go one more step down the road they were on. She needed to get out, return to her own people, back to a place where she felt at home.

  Thankfully, she knew just the spot.

  *

  Once outside Busch Stadium, the guys immediately headed toward Laclede’s Landing, a strip of raucous low-end bars along the Mississippi River. It was the go-to drinking spot after baseball games, and Beth knew that Chris and Tyler were headed for a steady descent into drunkenness. She wasn’t eager to watch them make idiots of themselves.

  She was tempted to go back to the hotel, but wasn’t ready to be alone with her memories of Rory’s hands clinging to her. The feel of Rory’s body made her lose her sense of right and wrong. It disturbed her to get swept up in the moment like that. She’d never experienced that all-encompassing need to be close to someone. Even early in her relationship with Kelly, they’d been tempered in their responses to each other.

  “Hey, guys,” Rory said as they reached a street corner, “this is where I say good night.”

  “What?” Tyler asked. “You’re not coming out with us?”

  “Nope, I’ve had a great time, but a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do.”

  Beth was as surprised as the boys. She’d expected Rory to be immersed in her cavalier attitude and eager to soak up the big-city atmosphere.

  “Where’re you going?” Chris asked.

  “The Central West End.” Rory laughed at their confused expressions. “There’s more to St. Louis than the riverfront. There’re art house theaters and Indian restaurants, independent bookstores, and espresso bars.”

  “You’re really not selling me on this,” Tyler said, and scratched the stubble on his chin.

  “You probably wouldn’t like it,” Rory said. “You guys go on and let me go my own way.”

  Beth had heard of the Central West End, though she’d never visited the gay neighborhood of St. Louis. Rory intended to get her gay fix and the rest of them weren’t invited.

  “I don’t know,” Chris said. “We want to hang out with you.”

  “We can hang out anytime. If I stay with you, your chances of getting lucky are much less than if you’re on your own. If I’m in the room, all the women will flock to me.”

  Beth jumped in. “She’s got a point. The two of us will cramp your style.” She didn’t plan to let Rory leave her with the guys.

  “What?” they all asked at once.

  “I’ll go with Rory. It works out for all of us. You guys get to enjoy your evening without me in your way, and you don’t have to worry about Rory being alone.”

  The guys seemed to agree, and Rory didn’t object, though Beth could tell by the hard line of her jaw that she wasn’t happy about the change in plans.

  Beth had to jog to keep up with Rory’s long, determined strides. At least the view from behind was an attractive one. Did you just check out her butt?

  Beth didn’t know what had come over her. First she was holding hands with a woman other than her girlfriend, then she got hot and bothered by a celebratory hug, and now she was checking out a woman’s butt. Girlfriend or not, objectifying a woman like a piece of meat wasn’t her style.

  Once on the MetroLink, they rode in silence to the Central West End. Beth followed wordlessly when Rory exited. At first Beth thought Rory was being reflective, or perhaps a little miffed at the way she’d invited herself along, but now Beth was sure she was being ignored. They reached a bright and bustling intersection surrounded by restaurants and clubs. Rory paused, considering her options, then settled on a building with the sign Coffee Cartel overhead. Once inside, Beth finally broke the silence. “I didn’t know you liked coffee.”

  “I don’t, at least not the type of coffee you drink in Darlington,” Rory said without looking at her as she stepped to the counter and addressed the barista. “I’ll have two tall iced, skim caramel mochas.”

  The little dig registered with Beth, but she didn’t let it bother her. She had no idea what a tall iced-whatever was, but if ordering it made Rory feel superior, then so be it.

  Drinks in hand, Rory pointed Beth toward a table for two on the patio. When they sat down, she finally leveled her gaze at Beth. “What’re you doing here?”

  The gravity of the question settled on Beth, and she fought the urge to squirm under its weight. She’d wanted to see the Central West End and be included in the culture. She didn’t want to go to Laclede’s Landing. She could’ve listed plenty of reasons for following Rory, but the truest was the only one she couldn’t bring herself to say. She’d simply wanted to be close to Rory. Instead, she gave a half-truth. “I’ve never been down here before.”

  “Why is that, Beth?” Raine asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

  “I don’t know.”

  “I think you’ve never been down here because it’s where the lesbians hang out.”

  “I am a lesbian, you know,” Beth said, with as much confidence as she could summon, though it was hard to form a coherent thought under the intense scrutiny of Rory’s emerald eyes.

  “You’re not really,” Raine said flatly. “I’ve been around you for over a month, and you’ve done nothing to indicate that you’re a lesbian. You say you and Kelly are together, but I’ve never seen you two touch, or kiss, or even hug. No one knows you’re dating. Even your best friends think you’re straight. ”

  Was Beth hearing correctly? “Because I’m closeted, I’m not a real lesbian?”

  “You can be a closeted homosexual, but lesbian is a cultural identity. It comes with a heritage of brave women who stood up for who and how they loved. They built communities, created art, fought for rights and respect. You do none of those things. You hide, you isolate yourself, and you disrespect the rest of us who’re fighting by shying away from anything and everything remotely related to our lesbianism.”

  Beth had never been so offended. The idea that she was somehow less of a lesbian because she didn’t flaunt her sexuality appalled her, and yet when she opened her mouth to object, she couldn’t think of anything to say.

  She wasn’t used to being spoken to like that. Everyone she knew was polite and respectful, which was perhaps why she couldn’t express herself now. Maybe the absurdity of Rory’s attack had flabbergasted or angered her so much that she couldn’t formulate a response. Either of those possibilities was better than the nagging suspicion that she couldn’t rebuff Rory’s accusations because they were, at least in part, true.

  “Excuse me.” A woman appeared at Rory’s side and stood there shyly, gazing down at her. “Are you Raine St. James?”

  Rory flashed her what Beth considered a very contrived smile. “Yes, I am.”

  “I heard you speak when I was in college. You were wonder
ful.” The girl, who couldn’t be much older than twenty, wore a short black skirt and a silver halter top, and every visible limb was as thin as a twig. “Me and my friends are going to Kinney’s across the street. Can I buy you a drink?”

  “Absolutely. Give me a minute to finish up with my friend, and I’ll meet you over there.”

  The girl seemed almost giddy as she sashayed across the street and into a nightclub.

  “You see that?” Raine gave her a cocky grin. “That is a lesbian. She knows what she wants, and she doesn’t care who knows it.”

  Raine rose and hailed a cab, then opening the door, she nodded for Beth, who was so shocked that she complied and started to get into the taxi. Only a flash of anger gave her the fortitude to face Rory and ask, “Is that what you want?”

  “What?”

  “You’re blowing off the people who care about you and know you for who you really are to follow some twig into a bar. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

  “Yeah,” Rory practically spat. “That’s what I want.”

  “I don’t think you know what you want. You expect people to accept you for who you are, and then you spend all your time trying to be someone you’re not. You can go be Raine tonight. You can turn away from the people who’ve known you your whole life and who love you anyway. You can feel superior for drinking five-dollar coffee and making sure the world knows you’re gay. You can go ahead and woo your little groupie to try and convince yourself that you’re a superstar, but tomorrow you’ll still be Rory and she’ll be bored with you.”

  Rory pursed her lips. “Good night, Beth.”

  “Good night, Raine,” Beth said through gritted teeth. “I’ll see Rory in the morning.”

  Then she slammed the cab door. She couldn’t believe she’d exploded, but Rory had pushed her too far. She tried to convince herself that she was justified in attacking her like that, but at the same time she worried she’d destroyed all the progress they’d made over the past few weeks. Maybe they were doomed for disaster from the start.

  She’d hired Raine St. James, thinking she might find Rory underneath. Beth had been so sure a brilliant, lively, genuine woman was waiting behind all those practiced defenses, but now she wasn’t sure. She’d believed Raine would always be Rory, but the woman who’d dismissed her now was most certainly all Raine. And if that was how she continued to behave, Beth wasn’t interested in wasting another minute on her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  September 26

  Raine stumbled as she entered the hotel lobby. It was five-thirty, and she was in the terrible stage between drunk and hung-over. The bars had closed hours ago, and she’d burned off her buzz by wandering around the city. She was tired, her head hurt, and sightseeing had lost its appeal, but she couldn’t bring herself to enter the hotel room. She couldn’t be in there with Beth in bed across the room from her. Not after the way they’d lashed out at each other.

  Hurting Beth had required all of Raine’s strength, mixed with a large dose of fear and frustration. She knew her remarks had stung. She’d even thought she’d seen Beth’s eyes become misty with tears, and Raine’s own heart had broken. She’d needed all her resolve not to cave and pull Beth into her arms, but she’d stayed steady and said the things she needed to say. She’d needed Beth to know the flirtation between them was over and that they would never agree on the way they lived their lives. She’d drawn a hard line, but they needed to return to their own realities.

  Raine obviously wasn’t the only one who needed to get some things out in the open, though. Beth had thrown back her own accusations with more venom and accuracy than Raine had thought her capable of. So she thought Raine was a fake, shallow, a snob?

  The words hurt, and Raine had spent all night thinking about them. First she’d been angry. How dared Beth presume to know who she was or what she wanted out of life? She’d wanted badly to prove her wrong, to go into the bar and have the time of her life. She’d become even angrier when she couldn’t get Beth’s words out of her head. Even after three drinks and multiple dances with the woman she’d met on the street, Raine couldn’t stop thinking of her as a groupie or a twig.

  Then when she left the bar, she began to worry that if Beth had been right about the Twig, maybe she was right about Raine too. Was the woman she’d worked so hard to become just a sad cover for her real self?

  She had experienced some disconcerting lapses into Rory since being back in Darlington. She had begun to enjoy her time with her old friends and found herself liking some aspects of small-town life. Even the irrational fears of confrontation had faded to the point that she was comfortable running day-to-day errands around town. Still, it was quite a stretch to assume that meant she should throw away her hard-won reputation and revert to being Rory. She had looped back around to being angry at Beth—who didn’t know what she was talking about—only after an hour of wallowing in self-pity.

  Still, it was probably best that Beth had also lost her temper. Maybe now she’d stop trying to be Raine’s best friend and move on with her life. It would’ve been nice if they really could have been friends, but the memory of Beth’s body against her own caused heat to spread through Raine, reminding her that it wasn’t a good idea to think about their physical connection. Even though she felt terrible about hurting Beth, she’d done the right thing. Doubting her decision wouldn’t do any good because neither of them could unspeak the words they’d said last night.

  Raine slowly opened the door to the room she and Beth had checked in to the night before. She started to tip-toe over to her unopened duffel bag but stopped when she saw Beth sitting fully dressed in a chair across the room.

  “Good morning.” Beth rose from the chair. “I’d like to get on the road.”

  “Sure.” Raine hadn’t expected Beth to be awake. She hadn’t known what to expect, but it could’ve been worse. Raine wanted get home and away from Beth. “You have to drive, though.”

  “You know I don’t drive in the city.”

  A flash of condescension rose in Raine. This was exactly what she’d been talking about last night. Beth was small-town, small-time, and small-minded. “Grow up, Beth. Do you want to go home now or not?”

  “I want to get out of here,” Beth snapped.

  “Well, I’m in no shape to drive.” Raine tossed her the keys. “So you can either stay where you are or do something about it. The choice is yours.”

  Beth stared at her, her full red lips pursed in anger, but she grabbed the keys and stomped out of the room.

  Once in the car, Beth gave her the silent treatment, or maybe she was focused on facing her fears. Either way Raine felt a slight pang of regret. She’d enjoyed their conversations in the car the day before, but now she desperately needed sleep. She lay back in her seat and closed her eyes, giving in to the physical and emotional exhaustion.

  She didn’t know how long she’d been asleep when she woke and noticed the car was stopped on the side of the road. Beth wasn’t in the driver’s seat. “What the hell?” she muttered, and checked her surroundings. They were parked on the side of the interstate with no signs of civilization in view.

  When she finally turned around completely she noticed Beth sitting on the ground, her face in her hands. In front of her were the remnants of two weather-beaten wooden crosses. Raine’s stomach roiled. She didn’t have to see the faded names on the crosses to know they read John and Mayleen Devoroux.

  “Fuck.” Raine purposely knocked her head on the dashboard and her headache multiplied exponentially. She deserved it. She was officially the world’s biggest asshole. She’d forced Beth to drive the same road her parents had been killed on and had made fun of her for not wanting to. She’d belittled her and bullied her into reopening a wound that was barely healed. She’d been a jerk to an amazing woman just because she’d turned her on the night before.

  What the hell was she supposed to do now?

  *

  Beth huddled in a ball, her knees drawn tigh
tly to her chest. Her own thoughts had long ago drowned out the sounds of the passing cars. Her vision was blurry from the tears that threatened to fall, but there wasn’t anything to see. Other than the faded crosses, nothing indicated that a crash had occurred here. The grass had returned long ago, the skid marks faded from the asphalt, and years of rain and snow had washed away the shards of broken glass. This was just a spot on the side of the road where a drunk driver crossed the line and ended the lives of a farmer and his wife.

  She didn’t know why she was here. She didn’t feel her parents’ presence. She felt closer to them at home, at church, or around their hometown, but lately those connections weren’t enough to help her feel grounded. She missed her mom and dad all the time, but now she needed them more than ever. She was confused, frustrated, and lost.

  She had a relationship with a woman she cared for but who didn’t want to be seen with her. She was drawn to a woman she respected but who didn’t respect her. She needed someone to confide in. She couldn’t talk to Kelly. She was part of the problem. So was Rory. Miles wasn’t someone she could bare her soul to, and none of her other friends knew she was gay. She needed someone who knew her, someone who loved her unconditionally. If only her parents were still alive.

  But maybe they wouldn’t have known she was gay either. She wasn’t out to most of the people in her life. Perhaps she wouldn’t have come out to them either. Beth rolled that idea around her mind. Would she have hidden something like that from them? Surely not. She and her mother had talked about everything, and her father had always been a great listener.

  Kelly would’ve fought her since she wasn’t out to her own parents, but Beth would have convinced her that her parents would understand. And she was almost certain they would have. They had been small-town people with little education who had probably never met a gay person, but they were good people who loved her. Still, she’d basically described Rory’s parents too, and that coming-out story had yet to see a happy ending.