Beth searched the face of her lover. She was grasping for something, anything to hold on to, a hint of connection, a glimmer of understanding, the possibility of a future together. She found none. “Kelly, something’s been wrong with us for a long time.”
“What?” Kelly asked, clearly shocked.
“We’re not going anywhere as a couple,” Beth said. She didn’t want to hurt Kelly. She’d loved her for a long time and part of her would always love her, but now Beth was learning to love herself too. “We want different things out of life.”
“Where’s this coming from? Is this about the softball game?”
“No,” Beth said, then added, “not really. That was a symptom of a bigger problem. Neither of us is getting what we need from each other anymore.”
“What do you think we need?”
“You need to feel safe, secure, and in control. I need to feel open and loved for who I am, not some perfect image people have of me.”
“I do love you, Beth, I don’t know what more you want.”
“I want a future, Kelly, a future where I give myself the same consideration I give other people. Where I can say and do what I want to without worrying what someone else will think of me. I want to stop hiding and start living my life.”
“You want to be with Rory,” Kelly said flatly.
“What? No.” Beth struggled to adjust to the sudden change in direction. “I didn’t even mention Rory.”
“You didn’t have to. You sounded just like her.”
“This isn’t about Rory,” Beth said, but was that the whole truth? She saw Rory with her green eyes burning brightly as she confronted Scott’s parents, and she felt the gentle caress of Rory’s lips against her cheek. Wasn’t it Rory who’d first mentioned the future?
“You didn’t feel this way until she came along, and you won’t feel this way when she’s gone.” Kelly paced around the room. “And she will leave, Beth. She’s using you while she’s here, and then she’ll disappear again and say God knows what about us all.”
“She’s not using me, and she’s not the issue here.”
“She’s not?” Anger laced Kelly’s words. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you, the way she stands a little too close, the way you two always find an excuse to be around each other.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
How did Rory look at her? They were friends, and sometimes less than that. Was Kelly lashing out or had Beth missed something? She shook her head, wishing she could wipe away her questions.
“It doesn’t matter what Rory wants or does. This is about us, Kelly. This is about whether we have a future together.”
“Of course we do.” Kelly reached for Beth’s hand and pulled her close. “We’ve spent eight wonderful years together. Nothing has to change.”
“You’re right. Nothing will ever change between us. We’ll see each other twice a week and pretend we don’t know each other the rest of the time. Don’t you want more than that?”
“I don’t know what you expect from me, Beth.”
“Think about what a future with me will entail. Does it involve us ever living together? Will we ever have friends over, go out on dates, have babies? Or will we be eighty-five and sneaking around the nursing home?”
Kelly sunk down to the sofa, hanging her head. “You’re asking me to choose between you and my friends, my family, my clients, my church, everything I’ve worked for.”
Beth sat down next to Kelly and held her hand. It hurt to see Kelly so distraught. “I’m not asking you to choose. You can’t give those things up for me. You have to make those decisions for yourself, the same way I have. I’m letting you go, Kel. I want you to be happy in whatever life you want. I hope you want the same for me.”
“I do want you to be happy. I never wanted to hold you down, but I think you’re making a mistake.”
“You didn’t hold me down. I was content to put everyone else before me. At least now if I make a mistake, it’s my mistake.”
“If you come out, there’s no going back, Beth. You can’t undo that. We’ll never be together again, even if Rory does leave you.”
“This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, and it isn’t about Rory. For the first time in a long time, I am doing what I want.”
Kelly shook her head skeptically. “I don’t believe that, but I don’t seem to have much of a choice.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Beth said, and kissed Kelly’s forehead. “Good-bye, Kelly.”
She didn’t let the tears fall until she closed the front door behind her, and even then she didn’t release the body-shaking sobs she’d cried at the loss of her parents, or even the steady stream of tears she’d shed on the side of the road two weeks earlier. She felt sadness for a past relationship and had bittersweet memories of a first love outgrown and love faded into platonic caring.
Beth had closed a door on part of her past and she mourned what could have been, but only for a moment before she focused on what she wanted next.
Chapter Sixteen
October 10
“Damn, it’s good to see you.” Raine hugged Edmond, then slapped him on the back before he had a chance to get through the door.
“Down, boi.” Edmond laughed but hugged her back with equal ferocity. “I may have missed you a little bit too.”
Raine let him set his bag down and surveyed him as he looked around her small apartment. He was pretty. There was no other word for it. His brown hair was short and spiked with highlighted tips. His flawless complexion was tanned—from a booth instead of actual exposure to the sun—but the tone set off his deep brown eyes. He hadn’t changed since she left Chicago, but she couldn’t get over seeing him in Darlington. He’d clearly tried to dress the part for his country vacation, but his jeans were designer and his brown button-down shirt still held the stiffness of the store hanger. His attempt to fit in would only make him stand out more against the brick and rust of her hometown.
“When does the tour begin?” he asked.
“There’s no real tour. It’s a two-room apartment.”
“The tour of the town,” he clarified. “I can’t wait to see it.”
“That’s not a good idea,” Raine said seriously. This wasn’t what she’d had in mind. She wanted Edmond to get her mind off where she was, not force her to face it. “I thought we’d veg out, watch trashy movies, eat junk food. Look, I’ve finished my article for you.”
“Not a chance.” He shoved the article into his briefcase, then pulled her out the door. “I’m dying to see the place that made your career. I’ve taken ten percent of everything you’ve made off it, and I’m entitled to a proper look around.”
By this point he’d dragged her halfway down the hall, so Raine relented. Maybe she could get the tour out of the way quickly and they’d be home before they ran into anyone.
“All right, this is the main drag,” Raine said as they pulled onto the town square. “You loop around the square and then go down to the edge of town, turn around in the church parking lot, and come on back. We called it cruising, and we used to do it every weekend.”
“Why?” Edmond asked, clearly intrigued.
“Because there’s nothing else to do.”
“So you’d drive around in circles all night?”
“I used to, yeah. Sometimes we’d sit in a parking lot and wait for someone else to stop and talk, then cruise with them for a while.”
“Sounds enthralling.”
“It’s not, but it has a certain charm. There’s no cost, no start time, no dress code. Everybody’s out to have a good time with good friends and go wherever the night may lead.”
Raine pointed to a large brick building. “There’s the high school. And over there are the softball fields.”
“Oy, what is it with you lesbos and softball? It’s like the sport is catnip for you people.”
Raine laughed. “If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it, but I was good in high
school.”
“I believe it. I bet you were the kind of dyke who barreled through players.”
“Yeah, I got us into the playoffs like that.” Raine smiled at the memory. “I got a big hit that game, but I was prouder of my base running. I went from second to home on a single down the line and the relay beat me to the plate, but I hit the catcher so hard she dropped the ball. I was the toast of the town that night.”
Edmond eyed her suspiciously. “You never told me that.”
Raine shrugged. She hadn’t let herself relive her glory days until recently. It was hard to feel homesick if she focused only on the bad parts of home.
She turned onto a blacktop road heading out of town, though she didn’t know why. Edmond wouldn’t have known any different if she’d ended their tour at the city limits. She waved to an old man in a pickup as he passed them going the other direction, and he tipped his hat in return.
“Who was that?” Edmond asked excitedly.
“I don’t know.”
“Then why did you wave to him?”
“That’s what you do here,” Raine answered, though until that moment she hadn’t realized she’d picked up the habit again. Everyone waved or nodded to each other in passing, and they made eye contact too.
It had been really disconcerting when she first arrived in Chicago and no one looked at each other when they passed on the street, but she learned that doing so added to her anonymity. When she got back to Darlington, she’d purposefully avoided the people she passed, but somewhere along the way she must’ve readjusted. She didn’t even get nervous when she went to the store anymore.
She turned down a gravel road that wound between long rows of apple trees and rolled down the window to breathe in the crisp smells of autumn.
“Where are we?”
“This is an apple orchard. I used to work here in the fall.”
Raine parked her Prius near a red barn that had been converted into a store. She smiled at an old man in overalls and work boots. “Hello, Mr. Hancock.”
“Well, if it isn’t little Rory all grown up.” He threw an arm around her shoulders. “Your daddy told me you were teaching at the college.”
“Yes, sir, and this is my friend, Edmond. He’s come down from the city to see how we country folk live. I thought we’d pick a few apples.”
“Well, you know where the sacks are. Go ahead and a pick a peck as a welcome-back present.” He patted her gently on the back. “We’re awfully glad you’re home.”
“Thank you.” Raine smiled, knowing the old man didn’t give away freebies often. His fruit was his livelihood, and times were tough for farmers in this part of the country.
She grabbed a small burlap sack and headed down a row of Gala trees. “These are the best for eating out of hand.” She plucked an apple from the tree, smelling it briefly before she bit into it. The juice ran down her chin, and she laughed as she wiped it off with the back of her hand. “God, that’s good.”
Edmond watched her with an amused expression. “Country folk?”
“What?”
“Back there you said ‘we country folk.’ You wave to the strangers you used to be afraid of. Now you’re tromping through the mud revealing your secret apple expertise. What gives?”
Raine laughed nervously. She hadn’t realized she’d let her guard down. It was happening more often now. She was finding more of Rory and less of Raine, and she wasn’t sure what that meant. But she was enjoying herself. “I don’t know, Edmond. Don’t you feel different out here? No traffic, fresh air, sunshine, and a whole lot of memories running free.”
Edmond seemed skeptical. “For someone who hates this place, you sure have an abundance of good memories about it.”
Raine was too surprised to answer. She ducked under a low-hanging branch and grabbed an apple. “Come on,” she said, tossing it to Edmond. “We’ll pick up some local cuisine on the way home. It’ll be a real down-home experience for you.”
*
The gray-haired woman working the register at the local watering hole and chili restaurant greeted her warmly. “Hey, Rory, it sure is good to see you. You know you’re the spitting image of your daddy?”
“Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot,” Rory said, ignoring Edmond’s raised eyebrows. “We’ll have two large chilis and a super nacho to go.” Raine stressed the last part of the order. She didn’t want Edmond to sit in a place like this for too long. He was already getting loopy from the novelty of it all.
“What’s a super nacho, and is it cooked in a room as dirty as this one?” he asked incredulously as he examined the peeling linoleum floors and the dingy wood-paneled walls.
“Shh. You wanted local flavor. This chili is a local delicacy. I ate it every week for the first seventeen years of my life, and I’m not dead yet.”
He shrugged and looked around. “There’s a guy checking me out.”
“There is not,” Raine said, without looking up from the ticket she was signing. “You’re paranoid.”
“No, he’s coming over. Am I about to get gay bashed?” Edmond asked in a high-pitched whisper.
Raine grabbed the sack of to-go containers, but before she could turn around, someone grabbed her shoulder. “You’d best not be trying to sneak out of here with that,” Chris said.
“Hey, Chris. Actually, we were just leaving.” Raine tried to duck out from his hold on her.
“Not a chance, woman. We haven’t seen you in weeks, and now that we’ve got you and Beth in the same place, there’s no way we’re letting you go.”
“I don’t mind staying,” Edmond quickly interjected.
Raine let Chris take off with her food toward a table in the back of the bar. “Why do I keep letting you drag me into these things?”
She started to follow reluctantly, but Edmond stopped her a few yards from the table as his eyes fell on Beth. “Is that the Beth whose life you’re ruining?”
“That’d be her,” Rory confirmed out of the corner of her mouth.
“She’s gorgeous.” Edmond had a stereotypical gay man’s fetish for all things feminine, and he was nearly swooning at the sight in front of him.
Beth was breathtaking as usual in jeans that hugged her subtle curves and a purple V-neck sweater that looked as soft as the swells beneath it had to be. Her hair was pulled back away from her face, and she flashed them a heartbreakingly sweet smile. “Yes, she is,” Raine said, “and she has a girlfriend.”
“Is that why you’re not sleeping with her?”
“That, and she’s as closeted as they come, so shut up about it.”
They took their seats, and Raine introduced Chris, Tyler, and Beth to Edmond. She could tell he was pleased with their welcome and their curiosity about his role as her manager.
“So you’re the one who got her to come back here?” Chris asked.
“I wrote the contract, but someone here asked for her to come. What was that woman’s name?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Beth said. “You talked her into it.”
“I suppose so.”
“Then your drinks are on me tonight. It’s about damn time she came home,” Tyler said.
“You’re the third person to say that in the last three hours,” Edmond mused as Chris ordered them a round of beer. Raine stifled a laugh when Edmond swallowed his first swig and nearly sputtered it back out
“You okay, Ed?” Tyler asked.
“Yeah, just went down the wrong pipe.” Edmond coughed. He’d probably never had a beer before, and if he had, it certainly wasn’t a Budweiser. He generally stuck to frillier drinks like cosmos or appletinis. If he thinks that was rough, wait till he tastes the chili.
“Where the hell have you two been?” Tyler asked Beth and Raine. “You disappeared after the ballgame and we haven’t seen you for two weeks.”
Raine shrugged and tried to act casual. She didn’t want to bring up memories of her behavior after the ballgame or her reasons for hiding from Beth. She was ashamed of the way she’d acte
d, and she needed to tell Beth that. She needed to tell her a lot of things, actually, but now wasn’t the time. “I was working.”
“Working on who?” Chris chuckled at his own joke. “You got a woman somewhere we don’t know about?”
“No.” Raine involuntarily looked at Beth. “I haven’t slept with anyone in months.” Beth eyed her skeptically. She probably assumed Raine had spent the night with the Twig in St. Louis. What would she think if she knew Raine really spent all night trying to rid her memory of the way Beth’s body felt pressed against her own?
Thankfully Edmond choked on the spice of his chili just then. He didn’t try to contain himself this time. He blew out deep breaths like a woman in Lamaze class before downing half his beer. “God, that’s hot.”
The others stared at him in shock and Raine laughed. “You wanted local flavor, and the flavor here is spicy.”
“You’ll get used to it, Ed. You just need more of a chaser,” Chris said kindly.
“That sounds great. This round’s on me.” Raine took the opportunity to stand up and bolt for the bar. She needed to move around, to put some space between her and Beth, and hopefully clear her head. She couldn’t keep depending on someone else to change the subject whenever her attraction to Beth flared up. Beth had been good to her and she’d set clear boundaries. Raine needed to respect them.
*
Edmond tried another bite of chili and this time followed it with a big swig of the beer Rory handed him. He gave them an obviously fake grin. He was clearly out of his element, and Beth felt sorry for him. The boys must have too, because they ignored his decidedly unmanly grimacing and turned their attention to her.
“So what’s your excuse for ditching us?” Tyler asked. “And don’t say work. Rory already used that excuse.”
The Long Way Home Page 18