Beth sighed and stared down at her bowl of chili mac, wishing they’d focus on Edmond again. “I’ve been working some things out in my personal life.”
“Uh-oh, sounds like guy trouble to me,” Tyler said. “Do we need to go knock some sense into that secret boyfriend of yours?”
“No.” Beth weighed her words carefully. She’d been playing this conversation over in her mind all day. She knew what she wanted to say. She’d been working up the courage to say it, but years of self-restraint were hard to unlearn. “There’s no boyfriend, and there never has been.”
“What do you mean?” Tyler asked as he absentmindedly ate his chili. “Are you trying to tell us you’re a virgin again, ’cause I think that ship has sailed.”
He clearly didn’t grasp the magnitude of what she was alluding to. She would have to say the word out loud, and she wasn’t so sure she could. Her stomach tightened and a wave of dizziness surged through her. She lifted her eyes to catch Rory’s questioning expression and forced a smile.
Beth couldn’t decide if having her here made what she was about to say easier or harder, but it felt appropriate. At least she’d have one supporter in the room if this went badly, and knowing that it was Rory bolstered Beth’s confidence enough to continue.
“I mean,” she took a deep breath, “I’m a lesbian.”
Chris froze with his beer almost to his lips, Tyler’s spoon fell to the table with a clatter, and people at nearby tables turned to stare, but Beth focused on Rory, whose dancing green eyes and broad smile caused exuberance to wash over her. Coincidentally, the guys also turned to Rory first.
“You converted Beth,” Chris said, his voice filled with awe.
Rory laughed. “I didn’t convert Beth.”
“She wasn’t gay before you got here,” Tyler said, before turning back to Beth. “Were you?”
“Yeah,” Beth said. “I’ve been gay for a long time.” This wasn’t where she expected the conversation to go. Then again, she hadn’t known what to expect. Why had the boys immediately suspected Rory’s influence? Kelly had jumped to that conclusion too. Didn’t anyone think she was capable of making her own decisions? Or did they think she was making her decisions with Rory in mind? She wasn’t sure which option troubled her more.
“You’ve been lying to us for years?” Tyler asked, hurt evident in his voice.
“Not intentionally.” Beth wasn’t sure how to explain her closeted past. She couldn’t give too much away because she still needed to protect Kelly’s privacy. She hadn’t thought about how she’d explain the last decade of her life, and it hadn’t occurred to her until now that part of her might never be completely free from the lies of omission. “Everyone was so good to me after my parents died. The whole town stepped in and saved me. I didn’t want to disappoint them.”
“Jesus, Beth.” Chris stared at her like she’d wounded him. “Did you really think we’d turn on you for something like that?”
Rory cut in. “Guys. I’m sure Beth didn’t mean you two, but other people in town will be upset about this. The Lindsay Reyeses and Mrs. Anthonys of the world will treat her differently, and they’ll suspect everyone she comes into contact with from here on out. She wasn’t just protecting herself. She was protecting the people around her too.”
Beth searched Rory’s face for any sign of condescension or sarcasm. Surely Ms.-Out-and-Proud St. James hadn’t just justified staying in the closet. She’d expected Rory to be disappointed or even disapprove, but instead she seemed proud.
“Do you have someone else, someone special you need to protect?” Tyler asked. “Is that why you disappear and don’t tell us who you’re with?”
“Beth has put herself out there an awful lot today,” Rory said. “It took a lot of courage for her to come out. She might not be ready to answer a bunch of questions yet.”
Beth frowned. Did Rory really think she came out without considering the ramifications? Then she realized that Rory wasn’t being patronizing. She was being protective. She was defending Beth and Kelly by honoring their wish to remain private.
What had it cost Rory to defend something she so clearly disagreed with? Over the past few months Rory had been a better friend to her than Beth had realized, and she’d have to thank her for that when they got some time alone. But for now it was time for Beth to take responsibility for her own life. “There was someone special in my life.”
Chris looked confused. “You mean all this time we’ve been teasing you about a secret boyfriend, you really had a secret girlfriend?”
Beth smiled at his characterization of the situation. “It’s not something I have to worry about anymore. I’m now Darlington’s most eligible lesbian.”
Beth saw the surprise Rory tried to hide by taking a long drink of her beer. When she finally set her bottle on the table, her smile was less than convincing. A long silence stretched between them while Beth searched Rory’s eyes for some clue as to what she might be thinking.
Was she glad Kelly was out of the picture? Did she see it as an opening for herself? Did she even care? And why did it matter? It wasn’t like Beth was hoping for a reaction, but she’d expected more than the politely blank stare Rory was currently giving her.
Edmond shifted in his seat, drawing Beth’s attention away from Rory. “I guess it’s my turn to buy the drinks.”
Rory jumped up like that was the break she’d been waiting for. “I’ll go with you.”
Beth watched them walk toward the bar. Surely she was imagining Rory’s weird reaction. It had to be paranoia that caused her to suspect Rory of having a vested interest in her breakup with Kelly. Or was it wishful thinking?
Chapter Seventeen
October 10
“Geez, he’s drunk,” Raine said a few hours later when Tyler helped her drag Edmond to her car and stuffed him into the backseat.
“I’m not that drunk,” Edmond mumbled before curling into a fetal position.
“Sorry we didn’t cut him off sooner.” Chris chuckled. “We were having so much fun with him.”
Edmond had tried to keep pace with Chris and Tyler and was woefully outmatched, but he seemed to enjoy being included in their manly games, and Raine was too distracted to stop them.
How was she supposed to focus on Edmond with Beth looking so good sitting across the table and suddenly single? She needed to find out what happened and know what this meant for herself, if it meant anything at all, but she would to have to wait. She shut the car door and turned to the others.
“Will you be able to get him up the stairs to your apartment?” Tyler asked.
“I’ll go with her,” Beth answered quickly, then added, “I left my car on campus.”
The guys seemed happy to accept her explanation and get back to the bar, but Raine’s head spun. Despite her earlier desire to talk to Beth, she wasn’t ready to face her yet. She wasn’t completely sure what she was feeling about the shift in Beth’s attitude and her breakup with Kelly. She didn’t want her emotions to get the better of her.
Raine watched Beth out of the corner of her eye as they drove toward the college. She seemed to be dealing with a completely different person now. Beth was an out and single lesbian, no longer hiding who she was. She was a whole new woman—but she wasn’t. She was still beautiful, still heartbreakingly sweet, still smart, sexy, and caring. She was still Beth. But now Raine had no excuse not to face her own feelings.
They rode in silence until Raine pulled into the parking lot of her apartment building. When they both got out of the car, Beth finally asked, “Are you mad at me?”
“What? No.” Raine tried to laugh off her own tension as she opened the door and pulled Edmond to a sitting position.
“Really? It kind of feels like you’re not speaking to me,” Beth said as she hooked one of Edmond’s arms around her neck. Raine did the same and they stood him up.
“She’d tell you,” Edmond slurred, “if she wasn’t speaking to you.”
“He’s right. I
f I were mad, you’d know it.” They steadied him as he shuffled toward the door.
“You’ve barely said anything to me since I told you I broke up with Kelly.”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind, with work, and my students—”
“She’s lying,” Edmond said clearly. “She’s emotionally constipated.”
“Shut up.”
Beth laughed loudly, the sound of it warming Raine. “I kind of like having him around.”
“I kind of hate it,” Raine mumbled as they half helped, half carried Edmond up the stairs.
“You love me.” He tried to kiss her on the cheek, but she pushed him fully into Beth’s arms while she dug her keys out of her pocket. “She thinks you’re gorgeous. She told me so.”
Beth laughed. “What else did she tell you?”
“That she’d be sleeping with you if you weren’t a closet case with a girlfriend.”
“Damn it, Edmond,” Raine said. “Why don’t you pass out?”
“I told her I wasn’t that drunk,” he said to Beth.
They pushed through the door and carried him right to the bedroom, where Raine dropped him hard onto her bed. “Go to sleep.” Then she shut the door more loudly than necessary.
Beth was waiting for her in the living room with a little quirk of a smile. Raine knew she was blushing. “What?”
“You think I’m gorgeous?”
Raine sighed. “Of course I do.” She put as much distance between them as she could, choosing to brace herself against the kitchen counter. The apartment had never felt so small.
“You say that like it’s common knowledge, but that’s the first I’ve heard of it.”
“Beth, it’s not that easy. I’m—”
“What? Emotionally constipated?”
Raine smiled, despite her frustration. “Yes.”
“Why? What do you have to be conflicted about? You’re the picture of self-assurance.”
Beth moved to the kitchen area, her presence sending Raine’s body into overdrive. Something about being this close to her without the boundaries she’d formerly clung to made it hard for her to think logically. Raine gripped the counter and hung her head. “I’ve recently realized that I’ve based most of my life on a horrible misunderstanding, and now I’m not sure who I am anymore.”
“Rory...” Beth laid a hand lightly on her shoulder.
The touch was sweet, friendly, altogether innocent, but Raine’s skin burned underneath it. She needed to pull away, she needed perspective, she needed to run. She always ran. Raine St. James was famous for running, and yet that hadn’t exactly worked out well for her, so why was she still doing it? But if she didn’t run, if she didn’t detach herself, what would she do?
“Look at me, Rory,” Beth said. “What are you afraid of?”
She willed herself to make eye contact with Beth and hold it even when she felt as though she might drown in the deep blue depths. Beth smiled at her, and Raine’s knees went weak. She’d thought that was just an expression, but she honestly felt like her balance shifted beneath her. “I’m out of excuses.”
“Excuses for what?” Beth whispered.
“For not doing this.” Raine closed the distance between them and touched her lips lightly to Beth’s. Beth gasped, then clutched her shoulders, pulling their bodies together. They pressed against each other, the fullness of Beth’s hips melding to the length of Raine’s planes. She rested her hands on Beth’s hips, massaging the softness below them with her fingertips. It wasn’t enough. She might never get enough of touching Beth, but Raine’s sense of awe kept her from taking more too quickly.
They parted their lips, slowly, hesitantly, and let their mouths mingle, tongues tentatively exploring each other as their pace increased. Heat flared between them, consuming Raine and causing her to burn in ways she’d never imagined. Beth ran her hand up Raine’s shoulder and cupped the back of her head, holding her close as she threaded her fingers through the short hair at the base of her neck. Every part of her sang out in release, but relief eluded her. She craved more.
Raine had a flash of awareness amid the physical sensations that overloaded her system. This was Beth—holding her, urging her on with her tongue, her fingers, her whole body. A wave of pure pleasure mixed with reverence hit Raine.
She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but it wasn’t nearly as long as she wanted.
A loud crash came from the bedroom, and they both jumped, startled back into the moment, and heard Edmond swearing loudly.
“You’d better go check on him,” Beth said.
“I’m going to go kill him.”
Beth grinned and touched her forehead to Raine’s. “I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Are we...okay?” Raine asked.
Beth kissed her again, lightly, before stepping away. “Absolutely.”
Raine flopped onto the couch as soon as the door closed. Kissing Beth hadn’t made her any surer about who she was or what she was doing, but she knew one thing. Whatever they’d just done, she’d like to do a lot more of it.
*
October 11
Beth was propped against the wall outside Rory’s door. She wanted to see her, but knocking would require more fortitude than she had at the moment. She’d been reeling since their mouths had met the night before. She’d never been kissed like that. Rory’s desire had pulsed through her and crashed into her own. The memory, or maybe because she hadn’t been able to sleep with the feel of Raine’s body imprinted on hers, made her weak. She had to get a grip on herself. Things were moving too fast. A week ago she’d been closeted and in a stable, if dysfunctional, relationship. Now she was making out with a well-known lesbian heartthrob.
What if the kiss hadn’t meant anything to Rory? She was used to women throwing themselves at her. She’d probably been with more women than Beth could imagine. What if she kissed them all like that? Maybe these emotions were common in Rory’s world. Beth felt queasy. Could a kiss like that really not affect Rory?
No, Beth had seen her reaction in her eyes. She’d felt Rory’s desire, watched her wrestle with the temptation to give in. Rory had surrendered into her arms. She hadn’t held Beth like someone playing a practiced role, but rather clung to her like a woman in need.
The door to Rory’s apartment opened and Beth jumped, then Rory gasped and dropped a bag of trash. They stared at each other before dissolving into laughter.
“How long have you been out here?” Rory reached for Beth’s hand but stopped short of touching her.
“Awhile.” Beth closed the gap between them by intertwining her fingers with Rory’s.
Rory stared at her feet, seemingly unsure of herself. “Should I go back in and wait for you?”
Beth ached to pull Rory into her arms and kiss away all her uncertainties. “No, I was being silly. Let’s go for a walk.”
Rory’s expression brightened, and she nodded. “Great idea. Edmond is up, and it’s not pretty.”
“Is he hurting?”
“I’ve seen him worse.” They stepped out into the cool autumn air. The campus was quiet at eight on a Sunday morning with only the sounds of a gentle breeze rustling the brightly colored leaves beginning to fall around them. “It serves him right for all the shit he stirred up last night.”
Beth laughed. “Without him, who knows when you would’ve gotten around to kissing me.”
“You say that like I was the only one capable of doing it.” Rory stopped and ran the back of her fingers along the line of Beth’s jaw. “Or did I misinterpret your reaction?”
Beth leaned into the touch, bringing their lips together in the only answer she had left in her.
They didn’t hesitate this time, but fell together there in the middle of the quad. Beth briefly realized that anyone could see them, but she couldn’t stop herself. They opened their mouths greedily, taking as much as they could handle while remaining upright. Beth ran her hands up the bare skin of Rory’s arms and under the short sleeves of her sh
irt. She scraped her fingernails along lean muscle and breathed in the scent of Rory, a mix of soap and light cologne. She wanted to soak her up with every one of her senses.
“Good morning, Professor St. James, Ms. Devoroux,” someone said as they walked past.
They pulled apart quickly and Rory’s face flamed crimson. She was absolutely adorable.
“I’m so sorry,” Rory gushed.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m not. Perhaps we need to be a little more discreet, but this,” Beth took Rory’s hand again, “feels nice. Better than nice. It feels liberating.”
Rory smiled broadly, and Beth’s heart rate increased again. “I’m glad you’re enjoying all this. You deserve to be shown off...”
“But?”
Rory brushed her lips against Beth’s ear. “I don’t know if I can be this close and not hold you.”
Beth groaned. “Follow me.” She held tighter to Rory’s hand and led her across the quad. The library wouldn’t open until noon, but Beth used her keys to unlock the door and didn’t turn on any lights when they went inside. The long rows of books were illuminated only by the light from the outside windows, leaving the middle of the room in shadow.
Beth turned to Rory. “It’s not perfect, but it’s private.”
“It is perfect,” Rory whispered as she nuzzled Beth’s neck. “You’re perfect.”
Beth captured Rory’s mouth with her own. It was the only way she could respond to how Rory made her feel. Their kiss quickly disintegrated into something more primal as they clutched each other. Rory’s hands were on her hips, her back, her arms, and still she wanted more. She played at the hem of Rory’s shirt before she slid her fingers upward, over her chest. She used Rory’s collar to pull her even closer until she stumbled backward under the pressure of her own desire.
Her back hit a stack of books, and she heard a few of them fall to the floor. Beth almost laughed at destroying her precious cataloging order, but instead she reached for Rory again, this time catching her hands and intertwining their fingers.
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