It's Not Like It's a Secret

by Misa Sugiura

  “Exactly.”

  “Sorry.”

  We’ve reached my block, and Caleb has stopped the car. He’s turned it off, in fact. I unbuckle my seat belt and open the door. “Hey, that was fun. Thanks for the ride,” I say, and climb out.

  “Lemme walk you to your house.”

  I’m about to protest that there’s no need, it’s just down the block, but he’s already out of the car and on his way around the front. The temperature has dropped low enough for me to shiver in my light cotton cardigan, providing a convenient excuse (“Cold?” “A little.”) for Caleb to put his arm around me to warm me up.

  When he does, I have a moment of clarity.

  He wants to kiss me.

  Duh. Because come on, I knew this all along, didn’t I. I just didn’t want it to be true. Like with everything else, I’ve just been hiding from it, trying not to deal with it. That’s why we all went to Bowl-O-Ramen. That’s why he drove me home. He’s been working the whole night to build up to this moment, this one-block walk home under the autumn moon and stars.

  Just before we reach the house, Caleb stops. Which means I have to stop, too, since his arm is basically hugging me to him. Actually, it feels pretty good. He’s bigger and stronger than Jamie, which makes me feel small and protected. It’s a surprise, and a nice one. Why didn’t I feel this way with Mark Schiller way back on the Glen Lake Country Club golf course? Maybe Elaine is right again. Maybe there is something between Caleb and me.

  “Sana.”

  Suddenly I’m a little afraid of what might happen if look at him, so I just play with one of the zippers on his leather jacket. “Yeah?”

  Now his hand is brushing a stray lock of hair off my face and I’m reminded of how Jamie did the same thing to me in the back of Reggie’s van only a few weeks ago. But Jamie’s out at this very moment with Kelsey, doing who knows what. A wave of hurt breaks over me, and I have another moment of clarity. I’ve always been the one who endures, who waits, the one who suffers silently while other people have fun doing stuff they shouldn’t. Gaman. I’m sick of gaman. But I don’t have to stand still as life splashes and churns around me, the way I used to. I don’t have to be the rocks and the sand on the beach—I can be the wave. It’s time to face the truth. It’s time to stop enduring and start acting. It’s time to move toward someone who wants me instead of clinging to someone who doesn’t.

  I turn my face up as Caleb leans down, and I put my hand on his cheek, then around the back of his neck, and I kiss him.

  It’s nothing like kissing Mark. It’s quite nice, in fact. So nice that I don’t have to pretend to enjoy it—oh my God, maybe Elaine is right. So nice that when it’s over, I actually say, “That was nice.”

  “You don’t need to act so surprised.”

  I look up and Caleb is smiling down at me with such tenderness that I have to look away. He’s looking at me the way Jamie looked at me the first time we kissed, the way I looked at her. And as sweet as he is, as nice as that kiss was, I don’t have it in me to look at Caleb that way. Elaine was wrong. I like Caleb. It was pleasant, kissing him. He’d be a good boyfriend. But that’s not what I want. A black, heavy kind of understanding settles on my shoulders: kissing him was a big mistake.

  “Sorry. It’s just—” I have to tell him the truth. That’s the right thing to do. But instead I hear myself saying, “The last guy I kissed was a terrible kisser. I guess. I mean, I didn’t realize it until just now.” Well, it is true, anyway.

  “I guess I owe him one for setting the bar so low,” he says. “Now you think I’m a good kisser.”

  “You are.” Also true! Not lying! And he kisses me again, and I let him.

  “You know, I thought for a while that you might be a lesbian,” he says next.

  “Oh. Um.” Now. Tell him now. I take a steadying breath. Ready . . . Set . . . But it’s too late. He mistakes my hesitation for offense.

  “Sorry, don’t be mad! But you know that time when I saw you with your friend Jamie during lunch? You were, like, holding hands, I think. I could have sworn she was about to kiss you.”

  “Oh, right. Well, actually—”

  “But then my cousin saw her with that other girl, so I figured, you know.” Yes, I do. “Then Elaine told me tonight that you might—this is so seventh grade, but she said that you said you’d kiss me back if I kissed you.”

  Leave it to Elaine. “I’m going to kill her.”

  “Don’t be mad at her. I was kinda hoping to, anyway. And besides, you kissed me, so I think it all turned out pretty well.” No, it didn’t turn out well at all. And now he’s gazing at me with such open adoration that I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I can’t hurt him when he’s looking at me like that. So—and I know this makes me a terrible, terrible person—in a sort of wild desperation, I kiss him again.

  30

  10:10 P.M. GROUP TEXT: REGGIE, ELAINE, ME.

  Thom asked me to go to the movies tomorrow!

  Can u come too?

  Pls pls pls?

  Yay Reg!

  What time? Can Jimmy come too?

  Did he kiss u?

  No! Jeez

  I wish, tho, lol

  Lol, I’ll ask my parents.

  Should be OK tho

  Sana, can you come?

  T says Caleb will be there.

  Maybe. Hafta check

  Did Caleb kiss u??

  He was totally into u!

  Elaine, did u tell him what I said about if he kissed me, I’d kiss him back?

  No!

  He said u did

  Elaine!!!

  Oh

  Yeah I might have said something

  Sorry.

  So . . . ?????

  OMG ttyl

  10:15 p.m. Caleb and me:

  Hey, doll (haha)

  I had fun tonite

  Yeah, me too

  Wanna go see a movie tomorrow w Thom and Reggie?

  1:30 at AMC Mercado

  Reggie said she’d drive you

  Thom and I can meet you there

  Um lemme check

  Parents in bed, I’ll have to tyt

  I hope u can come

  I really had fun w you tonight

  This is me:

  Just sayin

  Hey, I’m pretty tired.

  I think I’m just gonna go to sleep

  OK fine, I can take a hint

  I’ll just shut up now

  Night

  Night

  10:30 p.m. Elaine and me:

  Hey, Jimmy, Janet, etc. are coming

  U have to come too!

  Caleb will be there!

  xoxoxo

  Idk

  Don’t u like him?

  He is TOTES into u

  U should go

  I know, just . . .

  Thinking about Jamie

  You know?

  She basically broke up w u, right?

  She went out with that slutty chick from Palo Alto and she didn’t text u back all night

  You should be w someone who appreciates you

  Like Caleb (hint, hint)

  I know . . .

  11:30 p.m. Jamie and me:

  Hey, u awake?

  Hey

  Yeah

  Can u talk?

  No, not really

  K. Just wanted to say hi

  Can’t believe that bs that Kelsey pulled with her parents. Didn’t want you to worry, I know I didn’t txt you all night. Anyway, it’s 100% over. Talk tomorrow, K?

  K

  I have to babysit tomorrow, but wanna try to get together Sunday?

  Um . . . yes!

  ok ttyt

  31

  I WAKE UP TO A TEXT FROM JAMIE:

  Good morning, gf. Lemme know when u can talk. I want to tell u about last night

  I text back, Let’s talk about it tomorrow. I want to hear it in person. Because if we start talking about what happened with Kelse
y last night, she’s bound to eventually ask how bowling was, and what would I say? “I’m so glad that you ended things with Kelsey, and I’m so glad we’re still together, and oh, by the way, I cheated on you last night and kissed Caleb. Twice.” Yeah . . . no.

  Of course, now that I’ve put that awkward conversation off till tomorrow, I’m dreading tomorrow more than I’ve ever dreaded anything in my life. Part of me is even hoping I can get away without telling her at all. I mean, why upset her, now that I know everything’s okay between us? What if I manage to end things with Caleb before then. Is it okay to pretend it never happened?

  Seconds after I send that text to Jamie, Caleb texts to ask me again about the movies, and then Elaine and Reggie join in and beg me to go, too. It doesn’t take long for me to cave. I have nothing else to do except for sit around the house and feel guilty. Maybe I’ll get a chance to hit reset with Caleb.

  Reggie, Elaine, and I are meeting the others at the AMC Mercado complex at twelve thirty for pizza, Jamba Juice, and a movie. We arrive first, and sit down to wait for everyone on a bench outside Jamba Juice. Elaine is atwitter with plans for future triple dates, what with all the boyfriend-girlfriend action going on, but for obvious reasons, I can’t share her enthusiasm. Reggie’s anxious, too, for other reasons. “I’m not actually going out with Thom yet,” she protests. “Don’t jinx it!”

  “Oh, fine, whatever.” Elaine turns to me. “Okay, Sana, your turn for girl talk. What happened with you and Caleb after bowling last night?”

  I don’t mind girl talk with Elaine, as long as I’m not doing the talking. Why would I share the intimate romantic details of my relationships with anyone? Especially when those details are things I wish I could take back. At best, it’ll make them pressure me to break up with Jamie. At worst, they’ll think I’m a horrible, slutty lesbian—or bisexual—which, who knows, maybe I am. Bi, that is, not slutty. (Though to be perfectly honest, I think I’m pretty firmly pro-girl. And just because I sort of accidentally on purpose kissed a very nice boy when I was upset about a perfect-for-me girl doesn’t make me a slut, does it? That doesn’t seem right.) Agh, too much. Brain about to explode.

  Elaine is fidgeting impatiently and going, “Well? What happened? Come on, spill it!”

  I’m not about to open my mouth and unleash the chaos in my head, so I track back to my original thought and say, “That’s none of your business.”

  “He kissed you!” she shrieks. “He totally did! Oh, Sana, I’m so happy for you!”

  You’d think I’d be smart enough to know that none of your business is just another way of saying guilty as charged. You’d be wrong.

  “So, was I right? Is he a good kisser? Was it like sooo much better than that other guy? Are you two like, a thing now?”

  Elaine’s enthusiasm about my mistake pushes me right over the edge, and I snap, “God, Elaine, why do you have to be so nosy? Just shut up and leave me alone!” She looks so hurt that I immediately feel bad. After all, it’s not her fault that I’m a cheater and a hypocrite. “I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s just, stuff is kind of complicated because . . . you know. I mean . . .”

  “Ohhh, Jamie.” Elaine nods, immediately subdued and sympathetic. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry. Are you gonna wait ’til you break up with her?”

  I look at Elaine, who’s trying so hard to be on my side, however misguidedly, and suddenly I’m seized by the notion that if I can just get up the nerve to tell Elaine and Reggie what I did, maybe they can help me out of this mess. Of course. Now. Now is when I confess.

  “Uh, yeah. Speaking of which . . .”

  “Hang on a sec.” Elaine looks at her phone, which has just chirped, and announces, “Jimmy’s here! They just parked, and they’re walking over. . . .” She cranes her neck and starts peering across the parking lot.

  Reggie elbows her. “Hey! Sana was in the middle of something.”

  “What? Oh, right, I’m sorry! Okay, go ahead.” She looks at me expectantly.

  “Okay, right. Uh . . .” This is harder than I thought it would be. Maybe it’s not such a good idea, after all.

  “You were about to tell us about breaking up with Jamie?” prompts Reggie.

  Breaking up with Jamie? I blink.

  “Or—oh!” Reggie gasps. “Did Jamie break up with you? Oh, Sana, that’s what happened, isn’t it.” She gives me a hug. “Was it this morning? Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

  “Uh.”

  “Don’t worry, Sana. You’ll get over it,” says Elaine, patting my arm. “You’re too good for her anyway. Plus, now you can be with Caleb. He’s so sweet. He’ll make you forget all about her.”

  “Um.” If only that were true.

  Jimmy and his friends Michael and Bao are within shouting distance now, and I get a text from Caleb telling me that he and Thom have arrived as well, and I’m just not feelin’ it anymore, so to speak. “It’s okay . . . it’s not that big of a deal. We can talk about it later,” I say, and even Reggie shrugs it off after a perfunctory “You sure?” I think she’s a little distracted because of Thom.

  Somehow, I manage to make it through the next three hours without crumbling under the weight of all the truth I’m not telling. Caleb is as smitten as a guy can be. He pays for my movie ticket. He offers his jacket when I shiver in the arctic chill of the movie theater. And he keeps looking at me like I’m this amazing prize he’s just won, like he can’t believe his good luck.

  I feel like a jerk for allowing it to continue, but I can’t break up with him the day after our first kiss, not when he’s so happy. Especially not in public, in front of all his friends. To make up for lying, I allow him to hold my hand and put his arm around me—and I am not blind to the irony of lying to make up for lying here, but it’s all I have to offer. At least he’ll be happy today, right?

  The problem is, I don’t believe it, not really. Because scraping its claws at the edges of every interaction we have is the fact that no matter how I justify it, this day is a lie. Even if Caleb’s happy now, I’m just setting him up to feel worse in the end. But in the moment, when he reaches for my hand, it feels cruel not to let him take it. And so I do, and I hide my sharp, scratchy guilt with a smile. I promise myself that I’ll find a way to end this without hurting him.

  Meanwhile, Elaine and Jimmy look like, I don’t know, koala bears or something. Totally blissed out on each other, with their arms permanently wrapped around each other’s waists. And Reggie and Thom are now tentatively holding hands, pretending like it’s no big deal, but when I catch her eye, Reggie smiles at me and blushes. Janet is there, too, and some of the rest of our particular branch of the Asian crowd. There’s Andy Chin, with his arm around a white girl.

  It occurs to me that this is what I used to wish for—to be unquestionably, undeniably part of a crowd, and to have places to go, things to do, and people to do them with on the weekend. To have someone’s arm around my shoulders. Everyone is goofing around, taking pictures and group selfies left and right, and generally having a great time together. Because despite his Angry Goth look and his occasionally judgmental attitude, Caleb’s basically a nice guy who likes people, so people like him back. And it helps that Thom is less spiky, is hilarious, and is clearly into Reggie, whom everybody loves. I was so close—everything looks the way it’s supposed to, all the pieces are in the right places. But it feels completely wrong. Because Caleb isn’t Jamie.

  Jamie texts a couple of times, but I don’t reply. I feel bad enough just being here with everyone, and I’d feel worse pretending to her that I’m not. After her third text, the movie starts, and I put the phone on mute, stick it in my bag, and forget about it.

  When it’s time for Caleb to drive me home, it’s clear that we’ve all reached a new normal—one where our little Asian girl squad, as Caleb calls it, now includes a couple of white dudes. He’s feeling so proud of himself for having broken in that I don’t have the heart to tell him I have to kick him out. And so for the second day in a row, I e
nd up kissing him good-bye and then looking guiltily away when he tries to catch my eye afterward, because I don’t feel what he feels, and Jamie is the one I want.

  I walk in the house at four thirty to find Dad getting ready to walk out. He’s putting his shoes on, and he’s got a little carry-on suitcase next to him.

  “Where are you going?” I ask.

  Dad glances up as he struggles with his left shoe. “One of the clients in LA had problem with the hardware interface on a product. It’s my specialty project, so I have to go to meet.”

  Yeah, right. “They contacted you on a Saturday afternoon?”

  “Yes! Terrible.”

  “And you expect to fix this problem . . . tonight?”

  “I think it’s possible. Maybe I have to stay another day just in case. I may come back on Monday instead of Sunday.” He’s not meeting my eye, fiddling with the handle of his carry-on.

  “What if you’d been, I dunno, on vacation or something? Or at the beach?” Though I actually can’t think of anything Dad would be doing on a Saturday afternoon that would be so much fun that he’d forget to check his phone.

  “Yeah, you’re right! Good thing I’m not!” Dad smiles.

  “Hmm.”

  “I’m sorry I have to go,” he says, grabbing his carry-on and clapping me on the shoulder on his way out. “Be a good girl!”

  Mom, who’s been hovering in the background, calls, “Itterasshai!”

  “Ittekimasu!” replies Dad, already getting into the car. Already on the way to some secret rendezvous with That Woman. Mom stays in the open doorway, waving until Dad is out of sight. As he turns the corner and disappears, she sighs and closes the door.

  I can’t watch this anymore. Against my better judgment I venture, “Do you think he’s telling the truth? I mean, do you think he’s really going to LA to fix some dumb robot?”

  “Sana!” Mom’s voice is harsh. She switches to Japanese. “Didn’t I tell you not to talk about that again?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Daman-nasai.” Her solution to everything. Silence.

  Which brings me to Jamie’s texts from earlier today, the ones I ignored. I can feel my insides start to shrivel up as I read them: