by Finella Vane
Anselle moved when Niav started to whine, “Anselle, it’s happening again. Just go get it.”
“Alright, alright, I’m going. Baby,” the last word was said without its usual fondness but Niav didn’t take it the wrong way. She just stuck her tongue out at Anselle’s back. Anselle found her boxers and pulled them on before racing out the door to answer the phone that had started ringing again.
The woman laid in bed listening to the sound of her fiancé’s voice. She couldn’t quite make out what Anselle was saying and she thought Anselle was talking softly on purpose just to frustrate her. Anselle accent came closer to the door until Anselle popped her head in and mouthed ‘it’s Lisa’ while pointing at the phone. The blonde head was gone before Niav had a chance to say anything in return.
Niav was about to get out of bed when her own mobile rang. The brunette scooped the phone up from the nightstand and glanced down. The name on the screen stole her breath away; mum. Her thumb hovered over the accept icon as her grip on the phone tightened She was torn between swiping and chucking the phone across the room so it shattered against the far wall. In an instant she decided that she’s faced a lot of things that past year and it was not the time to start running away. Niav swiped the green icon, “Hello?”
Her voice was shaky and soft, “Niav, honey? I’m so, so sorry I didn’t call you back before now. So much has happened. Niav, sweetheart, are you there?”
“Yes,” her voice barely hid her anger and frustration. The endearments she was using cut her like a knife and she thought that if she called her ‘love’ she’d lose it.
The next thing she was aware of hearing was, “I’m going to come to London. Will you see me when I’m there?”
“You’re….you’re coming…here? Why now, after all this time?”
“Things have happened here, sweetheart. I don’t want to say over the phone. You don’t have to see me. I’ll understand if you don’t but I’ll be there for a few weeks.”
“Why? What else are you going to do here? You never come here.”
“Niav, I’d rather not say over the phone but I have been to London before. I have friends in London but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them there. They come here once a year and we have a little reunion.”
“When? When were you in London?” She’s almost shouting at her. She needs answers and she wants them now.
“I haven’t been for a long time. The last time was long ago….”
The artist cut her off, “I was with you, wasn’t I?” Niav looked up when out of the corner of her eye she saw Anselle enter the room and stop by the side of the bed.
“Yes, honey. You were with me. You won’t remember. You were very young. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Niav can’t believe what she’s hearing. Elise was right. Something had happened in London, she’s sure of it now. “What happened when we were here? It was something bad, wasn’t it?”
“Listen to me Niav,” now she sounded more like a mother scolding her recalcitrant child, “I will not discuss this over the phone. I will be in London on the 15th if you want to see me. I’ll ring you when I settle in. Alright?”
She had no choice but to agree if she wanted to have the answers she needed, “Alright.”
Then she was gone again. The call didn’t go any way near how she thought it would go when or if she ever called her back. The artist looked up to see her partner staring down at her, confusion and concern showing in her crystal blue eyes. Niav scooted over so Anselle could sit on the bed next to her, “It was her. She’s coming to London. Elise was right.”
Anselle didn’t have to ask who “her” was. She took her partner’s hand, “You were in London when you were young?”
“Yes, but she wouldn’t say what happened.”
“When is she coming?”
“She’ll be here on the 15th. She said she has friends here. I didn’t know. Why didn’t she ever say?” silent tears began to fall from the woman’s golden-brown eyes.
Anselle thumbed her lover's tears away, “I don’t know, Love, but we’ll find out.”
***
It was dark but no longer raining and the couple was snuggled together on the sofa watching TV when Niav remembered that Lisa called, “Anselle?”
“Yes, Love.”
“What did Lisa have to say?”
“Oh. She said ‘happy birthday’ and that she was having a great time in Scotland and she should be home for Christmas.”
“That’s all? She couldn’t leave that in a message? She’s not going home to Wales for Christmas? Why didn’t she text me back?” Niav could understand Anselle not going home but Wales was so close. She knew she’d see her family every time she could if she had any to see and they wanted to see her in return.
Anselle threaded her fingers through Niav’s curls, “She said she wanted to wish me happy birthday in person and not in a message. She was just being her usual, annoying self. She said she didn’t get a text from you but she definitely would’ve answered it if she did. She did sound surprised when I mentioned the party. I guess she’s not going to spend Christmas with her family. She usually doesn’t. We usually go to Gina’ parents place for dinner.”
“Gina said they went away. She was telling me last night. They’re in Spain or the South of France. I couldn’t really hear her. James and William were trying to bring her into their debate between Guinness versus warm ale.”
“Is that what all the nonsense was over? I had wondered what all the fuss was. Do you know when they’re coming back?”
“I don’t think she said before she went to the bar for two glasses of Guinness and two warm ales so they could have a taste test. We can ask her at brunch tomorrow.”
Several thoughts ran through Anselle’s mind. This would be her first Christmas dinner in a long time without Gina’ parents. It made her feel lonely and sad even though she had her fiancé in her arms. She never realized how much she relied on their holiday hospitality to lessen her holiday homesickness. The blonde wanted to honeymoon in New Zealand but now, without this small comfort, she needed it; needed to go home; more than ever. On top of that, Niav’s trouble with her mother made her miss her mother even more. She hadn’t been home in so long she needed to go soon.
“Anselle?”
“Yes, Love.”
“You're far away.”
“Just thinking about not spending Christmas at Gina’. I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until you said it may not happen this year.”
“I’m sorry Anselle. What do you think about having something here? We could have a traditional, English, Christmas dinner; goose, stuffing, gravy, roast potatoes and vegetables and plum pudding for dessert. We could invite Gina and Elise and Lisa, if she’ll come.”
“That sounds great, Love but we’ll ask Gina tomorrow anyway. Okay?”
“Okay.”
***
They were back at Montparnasse Café on Thackery Street for brunch the next day. The waitress brought coffee for three to the table under the window and asked if they were ready to order. Niav decided to go for the cheddar cheese soufflé again (since she didn’t actually get to taste it last time she was there). Gina ordered her usual ‘four season salad’ and Anselle ordered the smoked chicken and blue cheese Panini. Anselle thanked the chef for hosting her birthday party and teasingly asked where her gift was. Gina didn’t miss a beat as she answered, “still at the store”. Gina confirmed that her parents would be away for the Christmas holiday but says they could still use their house for dinner if they wanted.
“Who will do the cooking?” Niav asked. She didn’t think it was fair to ask Gina to cook for everyone. “Anselle and I were thinking of having something at our place. We were going to ask you and Elise to come and Lisa too.”
“That’s very nice of you but my parent’s place is bigger why don’t we have it there. You girls can spend the night in one of the guest rooms. You and I can do the cooking, if you don’t mind helping me ou
t.”
Niav looked to Anselle for guidance and Anselle nodded, “Thank you, we’d love to join you.”
“Anselle?” something else had occurred to the woman.
“Yes, Love.”
“Why did only your male coworkers come to your party?”
Gina burst out laughing, “Anselle’s female coworkers don’t like her. They think she's a tease.”
“What?” Niav stared at her lover in wide eyed amazement.
Anselle blushed as she explains, “When I first started working there the girls used to flirt with me. I made the mistake of flirting back and going for drinks with a few of them. I didn’t take any of it seriously. But when I wouldn’t go any further they labeled me. I heard a rumor that one of them said I did something with her and when I went out with the others and nothing happened they made up stories and said that I did. They didn’t believe me when I told them I wasn’t interested in women and when they finally did believe me they were furious because they said I led them on. Some of them went to Ian and asked if they were justified in filing sexual harassment lawsuits against me and were even madder when Ian told them that she had heard the lies they had spread about me sleeping with them and that I had more of a right to file a lawsuit against them.”
“Wow. That’s crazy. Those women are crazy. And they still hold it against you?”
“Oh, yeah. They got even madder when they found out I had a girlfriend and that we were engaged while all of them are still single.”
“But it’s been years.”
“I know. They can really hold a grudge.”
All three women burst out laughing.
***
Wednesday, December 13th: Elise was proud of Niav for handling the telephone call from her mother as well as she did. She knew it couldn’t have been easy for her to hear that she was so close to an answer but had to let it go. She wouldn’t be able to see her again professionally until after the New Year’s holiday so she told her to be strong but call her right away if she needed anything and she meant anything.
Niav’s mother didn’t call her on Friday the 15th or Saturday the 16th. But that Saturday the Christmas, street fair had returned and Niav wanted to go. Anselle didn’t think it was a good idea since it was the place Niav had her first attack but Niav wouldn’t take no for an answer; if Anselle wouldn’t go with her she would go by herself. Of course, Anselle couldn’t let the stubborn woman go by herself. Anselle needed to go just in case something did happen plus she really did want to see the fair. The couple ventured out early thinking to avoid most of the crowd that was sure to show up. When they got there some of the shops were just starting to open and they agreed that it would be okay to separate for a while to do a little shopping for each other’s gifts. They started on opposite sides and ends of the street so they couldn’t spy on each other.
Niav spotted the shop that she had had her attack in front of and approached it cautiously. She didn’t recall that it was a bookshop before and she hadn’t been back since. There were tables on the sidewalk with stacks of used books and the musty smell of the interior wafted out the open door but didn’t draw her inside. The woman didn’t see anything remarkable about the shop; it was like any other used book shop she’d ever seen. Niav closed her eyes to picture the past; the crowd; the band; where she stood; what she saw; how she felt; but nothing she saw in her mind was of any help. She didn’t think she’d ever been there before her attack and she had no memory of visiting the place with her mother. The artist spent a few moments browsing through the books on the tables but went away with nothing.
Meanwhile, Anselle was having a grand time at the other end of the block picking up odds and ends for Niav. She had spotted some starfish ornaments (which she’d give to Niav when they get home after they bought their tree), a book about the history of Bristol, a book about the ghosts of London and a beautiful Celtic knot pendant on a silver chain.
By the time they passed each other, not quite in the middle of the street, Anselle had her hands full of shopping bags but Niav wasn’t carrying anything. The artist felt embarrassed by her lack of purchases and told herself to concentrate harder on looking for things Anselle would like. Niav did well at the rest of the shops on her side of the street picking up a scarf/hat set in blue that would bring out Anselle’s eyes, a pair of cufflinks with the letter D engraved in the silver, a black chef’s apron with multi-colored hearts on it and a set of lighthouse ornaments (which she’d give to Anselle when they got home after they bought their tree).
They met up again when they were done and just as the crowds had gathered around the stalls in numbers. Niav was a little uncomfortable but they were done shopping anyway and decide to drop off their packages before heading out to find a tree. Anselle had argued for an artificial tree but Niav won out when her king of hearts beat Anselle’s nine of clubs. Anselle would’ve relented anyway because it was her partner’s first real Christmas since the attacks started and she wanted it to be special.
The couple bundled up against the growing cold and made their way up the street to a place Anselle had seen on her way home from work. The fresh-cut trees leaned against wooden stands and were arranged according to height. Niav was immediately in love with the small, scraggly trees but Anselle said that if they were going to get a real tree they should get a good one. The woman pouted as Anselle browsed her way toward the tallest ones but when she noticed how the prices climbed as the trees got taller she pivoted on her heel and walked back. They settled for one that was not too tall or too short, too round or to thin; there was a section that was a little less dense but Anselle said they could hide that bit against the wall. Along with the tree they also bought a box of fairy lights and a stand that Anselle thought was big enough to hold a full sized Norway spruce.
It was easier than they thought to maneuver the tree up the stairs because Anselle just took it and carried it up over her shoulder. Niav laughed as she said Anselle would look like a lumberjack if she only wore a plaid shirt. Anselle didn’t think it was funny. Niav thought it was hysterical and continued to laugh as Anselle tried to get the thing in the stand by herself. They had already decided to move the console table next to the front door out of the way and put the tree there; the table would find a temporary home in the bedroom beside the dresser. Anselle huffed in frustration and Niav finally settled down enough to help. The woman held the tree while Anselle tightened the screws around the stand to hold it in place. After three tries they finally agreed that it was as straight as it was going to get.
The fairly lights got plugged in before they went on the tree just to make sure they were working properly. Once confirmed Anselle left Niav to do the lights only offering suggestions on placement when Niav asked for help. The cord to the lights ended up on the side of the tree away from the wall and after looking in every drawer and cabinet there was no extension cord to be found. Turning the tree wasn’t an option because the bad side will show and Niav didn’t want to unwind all the lights and start again. If they wanted the lights on they were going to have to go out for a cord.
Anselle put her hand on Niav’s arm as the woman reached for her shoes, “Wait here a minute first.” Anselle dug through the bags she brought back from the fair and held out a box to her partner.
Niav took the box and turned it over. The woman laughed but before she opened the box of starfish ornaments she put it down and rifled through the bags she brought back. She handed Anselle a similar shaped box.
Anselle turned her box over and laughed at the lighthouse shaped ornaments, “People would think we live at the seaside going by these. We don’t have anything to hang them with, do we?”
“Oh, no. We should get something for the top too, an angel or a star.”
“And maybe a blanket or whatever they call those things that go around the bottom to hide the stand.”
“And more ornaments.”
“We should make a list.”
One quick run to the store later they were bac
k and arguing over where the ornaments should be hung. Anselle accused Niav of hanging similar colors too close together (and no Niav it doesn’t matter that they’re different shapes or sizes) and Niav accused Anselle of being a control freak. They tried dividing the tree in half but then Anselle had too many of the same color too close together. Niav gave up with a huff and went to the kitchen to make them hot chocolate. Anselle finished putting on the hanging decorations but handed the angel to put on top to Niav with a “Happy Christmas, Baby.”
The artist took the angel gently into her hands like she was afraid it would break if she held it too tightly. The brunette stood on her toes, Anselle’s hands around her waist to steady her and placed the angel on top of the tree. She was a beauty, blonde hair and blue eyes, white wings made of feathers, silver halo and white lace dress. One hand held a small silver harp and the other was in position as if to play. Anselle didn’t say because it was kind of sappy but she reminded her of her mom.
They knelt on the floor to slide the tree stand closer to the wall before plugging in the lights. Anselle draped the red tree skirt over the stand and stepped back with her love to admire their work. The tiny white lights took on the colors of the ornaments hung next to them and gave the tree a bright multi-colored glow. It wasn't exactly the image Niav had in her head of her first tree but she said, “It’s perfect.”
Anselle wrapped an arm around Niav’s waist, “I think so too. Just like you.”
Niav tipped her head down for a kiss, “Happy Christmas, Anselle.”
“Happy Christmas, Love.”
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
“I just don’t see the point in going over it.” Niav’s mother sounded just like her when she whined.
“It could help me understand why I have this disorder. Don’t you want me get better?”
“Don’t try to guilt me young girl. I’m your mother. If there’s something I don’t think you need to know then you don’t need to know it.”