The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali

by Sabina Khan

  To my horror, tears rolled down my cheeks and fell onto my hand. Embarrassed, I wiped them away, but not before Mr. Jacobs noticed.

  “We’ll figure this out together,” he said. “First, I want you to listen to me carefully.” He grabbed a box of tissues from his desk and handed them to me.

  “I’m sorry,” I blubbered, blowing my nose and taking some more tissues.

  “I’ve known you for almost four years now. Trust me when I say that I will not let you lose this opportunity. You will go to Caltech in the fall.”

  I nodded, unable to say anything coherent. Somehow, his take-charge attitude was making me feel weepy and grateful at the same time.

  “You will make up what you missed in summer school. I will contact Caltech and alert them to your situation. Then we’ll evaluate your options again.”

  “What if they rescind their offer anyway?” I couldn’t bear the thought of missing out on Caltech.

  “If they are not willing to consider your circumstances, then you’ll attend your backup school and transfer to Caltech next year.”

  It made sense. I couldn’t change what had happened, but I wasn’t going to allow it to ruin my future.

  “Thank you,” I said, trying to smile. “I really appreciate your help.”

  “Rukhsana, you’ve always worked so hard. I know it will all work out, and I’m happy to help in any way I can. Now go and get registered for summer school before all the spots are filled.”

  Afterward, Jen drove us to our favorite sushi restaurant for lunch, where Rachel waited for us. After a tearful reunion, we ate and caught up on everything that had happened while I was gone.

  By the time Jen dropped me back off at Sara’s house, Sara and Irfan were already there. Irfan made chai for us and I told them about my day.

  “I’m glad you got that taken care of,” Sara said. “I’m sure Caltech will understand. I mean, if these aren’t exigent circumstances, I don’t know what is.”

  “So, Rukhsana,” Irfan said, settling himself in an armchair. “Have you thought about how you’re going to deal with your parents? Aunty Meena says they’ve been calling nonstop.”

  “I can’t think about them right now. What do they want anyway?”

  “I’m not sure, but it might not be as bad as you think,” Irfan said. “I think that with what happened to Sohail, they’re reevaluating everything.”

  “Well, that’s great for them. But I’m not interested. I mean, Sohail had to die for my parents to realize how wrong they were?” I felt that now-familiar anger surging through me again. “I just want to get on with my life.”

  Irfan began to speak, but Sara put her hand on his arm.

  “Rukhsana, you take all the time you need. You’ve been through a lot, and your parents will just have to wait until you’re ready.”

  Irfan nodded. “Sara’s right. I’ll ask Aunty Meena to tell them you need more time.”

  “And you can stay here with me for as long as you like. My parents aren’t coming back until next week anyway,” Sara added. “But maybe we can drive you to your place to pick up a few things?”

  “That would be great. I know I’ve said it before, but I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”

  “There’s no need for that, Rukhsana,” Sara said.

  “If this was happening to my little sister, I would do anything to help her,” Irfan said. He stood up and ruffled my hair affectionately. “Now, let’s go and get you some clothes. You can’t wear that sweatshirt forever.”

  That night I dreamed about Sohail.

  We were out somewhere with Ariana, laughing at something he had said. Then out of the shadows, five men appeared, their faces distorted by the darkness. They began to beat Sohail, kicking and punching him, while Ariana and I begged for them to stop. They were deaf to our pleas, continuing their assault while I tried to reach out and pull Sohail to safety. But my efforts were futile, and I watched helplessly as he fell to the ground. Ariana and I screamed as Sohail lay there motionless, and the screams became louder and louder until I woke up and realized I was still screaming.

  It was strange being back in this house all by myself. That morning I had told Sara and Irfan that I wanted to move back home. As expected, they tried to dissuade me, but I had already made up my mind.

  I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I held my breath, expecting a foul odor to hit me, but there was none. I checked the freezer. Mom had frozen all the leftovers so nothing would spoil. It looked like she had thought of everything, which made sense since she had planned this whole trip all along, knowing that it might be a while before they came back.

  The light on the answering machine blinked accusingly at me. They must have called here after trying my cell phone. I didn’t want to listen to anything they had to say. As far as I was concerned, I meant nothing to them. My happiness held no value in their eyes. And I was fine with that. But they would never manipulate me again. I would never relinquish control of my life to anyone. Only I had my best interests at heart.

  I knew I was going to regret it, but I couldn’t ignore the answering machine any longer. I pressed the button to listen to the messages.

  “Rukhsana, this is your mother speaking. If you can hear me, please pick up. Hello? Hello? Ibrahim, she is not picking up. You should try, she will pick up if she hears your voice. Hello? Hello, Rukhsana?”

  The next five messages were more of the same confusing prattle, until my dad decided he’d had enough. The next one was from him.

  “Rukhsana, ammu, this is your father speaking.” His voice echoed loudly in the empty house. He probably thought if he shouted the message I might answer. “If you are there, please pick up. It is very urgent. Please pick up or call us back when you get the message.”

  I shook my head and erased all the remaining messages.

  I sat up with a start, disoriented from the darkness of my room. I heard shuffling somewhere inside the house and got up quickly. Relieved that I had thought to bring Aamir’s cricket bat into my room last night, I grabbed it now from under the bed.

  I crept downstairs, bat in hand, ready to strike. When I reached the bottom step, the lights in the entryway turned on.

  I screamed and someone screamed back. I blinked against the harsh brightness of the lights and saw my parents and brother standing in the doorway.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I yelled. “You scared me half to death.”

  “Rukhsana, we left you so many messages. We told you we were coming home tonight,” Mom said, panting from the fright of being accosted in her own home.

  The messages. That explained it. Maybe I shouldn’t have erased them.

  “If I’d known you were coming back, I would have stayed with a friend tonight.”

  “Why would you stay with a friend? What’s wrong with your room?” Mom clearly didn’t understand how hate worked.

  I didn’t have the energy to deal with them right now.

  “I’m going back to bed. I have school in the morning.”

  Back in my room, my phone pinged just as I lay back down.

  It was Ariana. Jen must have gotten through to her.

  The minutes passed, interminably long, as I waited for her reply.

  But then—

  My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t help it. Maybe there was a chance that things would work out after all.

  When I went downstairs the following morning, Mom and Dad were both there. They stopped talking as soon as I entered the kitchen.

  “Don’t stop plotting on my account. What is it today? You’re planning to sell me to the highest bidder?”

  I hadn’t planned to say this. I hadn’t even been thinking it. But I couldn’t stop myself from spewing the venom that had been festering inside me for weeks now.

  It was immensely satisfying to see the shocked expressions on their faces. For once Mom didn’t have any retort.

  “Rukhsana, this has to stop,” Dad said. “We need to talk. We’re a
family, and we have to get through this as a family.”

  That did it. The floodgates opened, and it wasn’t within my power to control what came rushing out.

  “Family?” I said, my voice hard with rage. “You want to act like we’re a family? Where was this family when you locked me up? When you drugged me?”

  Mom was looking at me wide-eyed, and I’d be lying if I said this didn’t make me feel good.

  “Rukhsana. Please try to understand.”

  “Yes, please make me understand. I want to understand how my own parents would want me to lose everything just because I don’t fit into your narrow little box.” My blood was boiling. I could literally feel the heat coursing through my body. “My God, Sohail had to die before you could even try to understand me. Do you not see how screwed up that is? That a decent human being has to die because people like you can’t understand and accept him for who he is?”

  “But, ammu, we are trying—” Mom began, but I’d had enough.

  “You know what? I don’t need this. I don’t want to talk to you, or be a family.” I picked my bag off the floor and stormed out the door.

  By the time I’d walked the two blocks to school I was a tiny bit calmer.

  “Rukhsana.” I turned at the sound of my name. Aamir stood behind me, backpack slung over one shoulder.

  “You know Mom and Dad are trying, right?”

  “Aamir, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You weren’t there. You have no idea how senseless they were.” Angry tears stung my eyes.

  “Rukhsana, I’m sorry,” Aamir said hastily.

  He threw worried glances over his shoulder at the students walking past, but I didn’t care who was listening. I didn’t care about anything right now.

  “I can’t even begin to imagine how angry you must be right now. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me in Dhaka.”

  I was calmer now. “Aamir, it wasn’t your fault at all. You helped me so much.” I squeezed his hand. “But you’re not getting it. I have absolutely no desire to talk to them. And I don’t know if I ever will.”

  Aamir put his hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes.

  “Rukhsana, I was there when they found out about Sohail. Just hear them out. That’s all I’m saying.” And with that he turned away and went into school.

  I waited for Ariana at our special spot, a little grassy area behind the library where we shared our first kiss. I was hoping that we could talk. Really talk, like we used to.

  When she walked around the corner my heart did a little skip. She was wearing jeans and a white eyelet blouse. Her hair was shorter than the last time I’d seen her, and it looked really cute.

  We both stood awkwardly looking at each other in silence for a moment.

  “How’ve you been?” I asked, when the silence became unbearable.

  “Okay, I guess.”

  “I like your hair like this.”

  She tugged at the ends of it, then smoothed the top and shrugged.

  “I needed a change.”

  I nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “So … Jen said you wanted to talk.” She played with the hem of her blouse. I wondered if she hated me so much that she couldn’t even look at me.

  “I just wanted a chance to explain,” I began. “And to see you again,” I finished weakly.

  “I think you explained yourself pretty well the last time we talked,” Ariana said, her voice cold and brittle. “I’ve moved on. I’m good.”

  She couldn’t be telling the truth. This was just lashing out at me.

  “Ariana, please just—”

  Her eyes flashed at me, the anger and pain slamming into me like a solid object.

  “Please just what, Rukhsana?” She spit out the words. “What did you think was going to happen today? You thought I was just going to be okay with everything because you’ve decided it’s time to talk?”

  “No, Ariana, I—”

  “I don’t care what you think you can explain to me. I don’t want to see you. So, stop calling and texting me. JUST STOP.”

  And with that she turned and stormed off, leaving me standing there in the middle of the grassy patch that used to be our special place.

  There was a soft knock on my door.

  I ignored it.

  “Rukhsana? It’s me.” Aamir’s voice came from the hallway. I opened the door and let him in, hoping he wouldn’t notice my puffy eyes and make a big deal out of it.

  “Rukhsana, what happened?” he said as soon as he took one look at me. “Did Mom and Dad say something?” He scowled. “I swear, if—”

  “No, no, it wasn’t them,” I said quickly, before he got too worked up.

  He looked at me closely, and I avoided eye contact.

  “I went to see Ariana,” I said finally, when I realized he would just keep staring at me until I told him.

  “Is she still angry at you?” I’d caught him up on our breakup when we were still in Dhaka.

  “Angry would be an understatement. She hates me.” My eyes filled up again and fat tears rolled down my face. Lately, it felt like all my conversations with Aamir ended up with me crying. A lot.

  “Just give her some time. It can’t have been easy for her either.”

  “You know what, Aamir? I’m getting really tired of hearing how hard this all has been for everyone else. Poor Mom and Dad, poor Ariana.” I knew I was spinning out of control, but I was too far gone to do anything about it.

  Aamir looked alarmed. But he knew better than to stop me now.

  “What about me? What about what I went through? How come nobody is talking about that?” I stood and began to pace. There was too much anger coursing through me right now to sit still.

  “Rukhsana, I’m sorry for what I said this morning,” Aamir said. “That’s what I came here to tell you. Maybe you shouldn’t make it so easy for Mom and Dad. Maybe they do deserve to feel awful for a bit longer.”

  I stopped to look at him. What was he talking about?

  “I don’t really care about how Mom and Dad are feeling right now. At this point, I don’t think Ariana will ever speak to me again. She told me she’s moved on.”

  Just saying those words made the waterworks start again, and in anticipation Aamir quickly grabbed the entire box of tissues from my window ledge. He put his arm around me and pulled me close until my head rested on his shoulder.

  “I don’t know what to do, Aamir. What if she never forgives me? What if she really doesn’t love me anymore?”

  “C’mon, Rukhsana, you can’t think like that. Once she knows what really happened and what you went through to get back to her, she’ll forgive you.”

  My brother looked at me then, and there was an expression in his eyes that I had never seen before.

  “And if she still doesn’t understand, then she doesn’t deserve you.” He kissed my forehead and we sat like that for a while, just the two of us against the world.

  “Your parents have asked us here to talk to you, because it seems you are being quite unreasonable.”

  I was about to let loose on Aunty Meena, but her husband beat me to the punch.

  “Meena, can you please just be quiet for once? You are only making things worse.” I could have hugged Uncle Maruf, but I didn’t because it was more fun to watch Aunty Meena sputter with indignation. “Rukhsana, ammu,” Uncle Maruf said. “Come and sit down for a minute. Your parents have something to tell you, and they have asked us here because they want to say it in front of us.”

  So, it was an intervention. This would be fun.

  “Rukhsana,” Mom began. “I’ve made a very big mistake. I cannot undo what has happened, but I can promise you that things will be different from now on.”

  “Yes, and I also promise you the same thing,” said Dad.

  What did they expect me to say?

  “So now I should forget everything you did and we’ll all be one big, happy family?” I laughed bitterly. “You don
’t get it, do you? You ruined my life. You took away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and now I’m graduating from high school late like a loser.”

  I looked Mom straight in the eyes for the first time since she’d come back.

  “Do you really think that I’ll ever forgive you?” They had unleashed the monster and now they would all have to deal with it.

  “Do you think that just because you’ve finally realized how narrow-minded you are, I should feel lucky that you’re accepting me now? I’m sick, remember? And disgusting. Well, now I don’t accept you.”

  I felt nothing as I looked at my parents, who were both crying.

  “I’m putting my life back together, and I’ll do it alone. I don’t need you and I don’t want you to be involved. So just leave me alone.”

  “Rukhsana, we’re so sorry.” Mom was sobbing, but it didn’t move me one bit. I had shut off any feelings for her, just like she had done for me.

  “Start from the beginning. What exactly happened yesterday?” Irfan asked after we sat down with our drinks.

  “My parents thought it was a brilliant idea to hold an intervention for me. A freaking intervention. They even invited my aunt and uncle.”

  “What did they say?” Sara asked as she took a sip of her coffee.

  “Just that they were sorry and that things would be different now.”

  “And you don’t believe them?” Sara asked.

  “No, not really. I mean, they lied about my grandmother being sick when they took me to Bangladesh, and we all know how that turned out. What if they’re just doing this so they can convince me to forget all about being lesbian?” I would not go through that again.

  “What if they’re not though?” Sara said.

  “What do you mean?” I couldn’t imagine my parents not plotting to fix me.

  “Well, you have to admit, it’s a pretty radical change for them to admit that they were wrong, isn’t it?” Irfan said.

  “Maybe you should give them a chance,” Sara said softly.