The Afterlife Academy

by Frank L. Cole

  “Tell Hoonga to take a flying leap!”

  Gorge blinked with uncertainty. “I don’t know what that means.”

  “It means you’re not taking me without a fight!” Walter cocked his head to the side and brought his fists up. When Gorge didn’t immediately attack, Walter felt his old instincts kick in. He had been in this sort of position many times before. The swarming wraiths might as well have been jeering kids on the playground, and Gorge was nothing more than a bully. Walter made a quick assessment of his opponent. The demon had strong arms and hands. Plus, he couldn’t forget about the horns. However, Gorge also had skinny legs. They looked unstable, unbalanced. Walter stared into Gorge’s cruel eyes, but he also noticed a slight tremble in the demon’s lower lip. Was that a hint of doubt? Gorge looked like a bully unsure of who he was fighting.

  Before the demon had a chance to attack, Walter led off with a right hook to the side of Gorge’s mouth. Light accentuated the punch, sending electric charges through Walter’s arm. It tingled, but it didn’t hurt. The blow temporarily stunned Gorge, and the circle of wraiths fluttered nervously around them.

  “What are you, nuts?” Gorge bellowed. “You think you can beat me?” He lashed out with a claw, but Walter ducked and delivered two more quick jabs to the monster’s stomach.

  “Picked the wrong Agent to mess with, didn’t you?” Walter hopped effortlessly over Gorge’s claws as the creature swung at his legs. He grabbed Gorge’s horns and forced his knee into the demon’s chin. Gorge howled and toppled over backward in a crumpled heap. “And stay down!” Walter brushed his hands together. Twirling around, he squared off with the closest wraith. “You want some of this? Huh? Do you?” The wraith’s hooded head darted from left to right, unsure of what to do. Walter had entered his element; a fighter unafraid of any enemy. But Gorge’s laughter broke his concentration.

  The monster propped himself up with one massive hand. “Not bad. But you didn’t really think you’d won, did you?”

  Before Walter could bring his hands up in defense, Gorge lunged, his head down like a charging bull. The demon’s horns were spread wide enough that they just barely missed Walter’s skin, the tips grazing his shirt on either side of his body. But the full force of Gorge’s skull crashed into Walter’s chest, knocking the wind completely out of him. Pinned beneath a heavy weight, with Gorge on his stomach, Walter swung out blindly. But his punches made little impact. Colored lights danced in front of his face. Could spirits lose consciousness?

  Demon snot and drool dripped onto Walter’s neck as Gorge grinned in victory. “Want to know what it’s like to have a demon snuff out your essence?”

  The demon and the wraiths began to fade from Walter’s vision, then disappeared, and the dark night sky transformed into a brightly lit room.

  Still woozy and delirious, Walter sat up on the white floor, blinked, and looked around. Peering down at him from his desk was Alton.

  “Are you lost?” Alton stood, placing his pen behind his ear. “This is my office.”

  “What?” Walter rubbed his eyes and glanced around the room. “How did I get here?”

  Just as before, a tower of folders rested on Alton’s desk. Alton removed his glasses, breathed on them, and wiped them on his shirt.

  “Well, this is new.” He placed the glasses back on the bridge of his nose. “Normally when people die they arrive here seated in one of those chairs.” He nodded to the row of seats Walter had sat in when he’d first landed in Alton’s office. “Are you a bit of a clumsy fellow? Is that why you’re down there?”

  “Alton, it’s me.” Walter smoothed the wrinkles from his shirt. “Walter Prairie.”

  Pulling the pen from behind his ear, Alton licked the point and readied to write on his pad. “Walter…Prairie? Why does that sound familiar?”

  Before Walter could answer, Alton shot his hand into the tower on his desk and yanked out a folder from the middle. Once again, the tower teetered precariously but righted itself before toppling. After thumbing through the folder, peering over the lenses of his glasses as he read, Alton gave a brusque nod.

  “Yes, well, Walter Prairie. Here you are. Again.”

  “Yes,” Walter answered as he raised himself to sit up and then stand.

  Alton snapped the folder closed. “But why are you here? Shouldn’t you be doing your thing in the Academy?”

  “You know why I’m here! This is all your fault!”

  Alton squinted his eyes. “My fault?”

  “Yeah!” Walter jabbed an accusatory finger at Alton. “You’re the one behind everything. I knew it.”

  “I assure you I have no idea what you’re talking about. If you’re upset with your Academy courses or your uniform size, you’ll need to bring that up with your Team Leader. Did I not tell you to join the Heavenly Choir? They don’t have half as many upset enrollees as the Academy.”

  “Stop acting like you don’t have a clue what’s going on. You know I never went to the Academy!”

  Alton puffed his cheeks out in confusion. “Well, where did you go? Did you get lost? Was I not clear with my instructions? It’s just through one door.”

  “You’re not going to get away with this. Charlie and his parents are in serious danger because of you. Someone needs to help them and then lock you up forever!”

  Alton stood and held his hands out to silence Walter. “Keep your voice down! Do you want to disrupt the entire hall? People are being Categorized right now, a very tedious process, as you may recall, and they don’t need you screaming in the background.” He moved around to the front of the desk. “Now get back to your dorm. Whatever your issue may be, it is not something with which I can assist you.”

  “What do you want with The Summoner’s Handbook, anyway? Huh?”

  “The what?”

  “Were you trying to use demons to get back at the board for not letting you into the Academy?”

  Alton’s eyes widened in shock. He opened and closed his mouth like a bullfrog. “Who—who told you that?”

  “Just because you had to clean toilets for years, it doesn’t give you the right to ruin everyone’s lives!”

  “Who told you that?” Alton began to shout. “Are they spreading rumors about me? Making fun of me to the new cadets? Is that what they’re talking about nowadays at the—at the—watercooler?”

  The door to Alton’s office opened with a bang, and Darwin Pollock stepped through. He was wearing the same three-piece suit with a gold watch dangling from a chain in his pocket that he was the last time Walter had seen him. He approached briskly and with purpose.

  “Walter, you’re here.” Darwin exhaled a slow breath.

  “Darwin! Thank goodness!” Walter had to explain things as fast as he could. He had no idea what was happening to the Dewdles at that very moment.

  Alton cleared his throat. “Mr. Pollock, why is Walter here?”

  Darwin looked from Alton to Walter.

  “I don’t know why I’m here, but you do,” Walter said to Darwin. “Alton’s just playing stupid. It was because of his pop quiz that I graduated from the Academy in record time and got assigned to an HLT who’d found the—”

  “One moment, Walter,” Darwin interjected. “Alton, it seems that Walter and I have some things to discuss. And you look tired.”

  “Tired?” Alton nibbled a thumbnail. “I am. I’m always tired.”

  “Why don’t you take a break?”

  Pausing midchew, Alton spat a piece of nail out of the corner of his mouth. “Take a break, sir?”

  “Yes, take a walk, a stroll.”

  “But I never take breaks. In fifty years, not once have I taken a break.”

  “Alton.” Darwin’s eyebrows rose.

  “Well, I guess I’ve always wanted to see the nurseries. That could be fun.” Alton placed his pen on the desk and started to smile. “Ooh, and the processing factory! But it could take hours to see all of that. How long do I—”

  “Just go!” Darwin snapped, his usu
ally calm demeanor cracked.

  “Yes, sir.” Alton made a quick check of his office space and then waved goodbye to Walter as he exited the room.

  Standing alone with Darwin in the quiet office, the events of the last week replayed in Walter’s mind. He had been inches away from certain destruction, and now he had come full circle. “How did I end up back here? In Alton’s office?” he asked.

  “I brought you here as soon as I saw what was happening down there.” Darwin leaned against the desk. “What a disaster!”

  “I know, I’m sorry! I tried to help Charlie out and protect the book, but I don’t think I really know what I’m doing. Maybe I could’ve used some training, or a weapon or two. I don’t think I’m a natural.”

  Darwin laughed. “A natural? Of course you’re not a natural. There’s no such thing!”

  Walter wasn’t sure if he had heard Darwin correctly. “I’m not a natural? But you said—”

  Darwin stomped his foot. His face had grown hard, and his eyes burned. He looked altogether different from the man Walter had first met. “And you certainly made a mess!”

  “I just did what I was supposed to do.”

  “What you were supposed to do was leave things alone! What is it with you? Do you have a death wish? Any right-minded Agent would’ve realized he was in way over his head when he saw the Dark Omen summoning and would’ve sat it out until he could be rescued. But no!” He flailed his hands about in the air with disgust.

  “What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t you want me to do anything? Do you know that the demons are about to get possession of The Summoner’s Handbook?”

  “Of course I do. I am the head assigner of Agents for the HLTA.”

  Walter shook his head. “So Alton had nothing to do with it? You’re the one who’s behind everything? Why would you let the demons get ahold of the book? Don’t you know what they’ll do with it? Isn’t the Afterlife Academy supposed to fight against the creatures from the Underworld?”

  Darwin massaged the bridge of his nose. “That’s a lot of questions for an insignificant, meddling, troublesome boy.”

  “You sent me to do a job you didn’t want me to do! Why?”

  “You really are stupid, aren’t you? Do you think I can just allow a demonic summoning to transpire without offering protection? There are rules and procedures. Those sorts of things don’t go unnoticed by the higher-ups! I had to send an Agent. So I picked one I thought wouldn’t be any trouble.”

  “But weren’t they going to notice that I’d barely died and had no training from the Academy?”

  “Not if I fabricated your records. On paper, you graduated at the top of your class. No one would know. The plan would’ve worked perfectly because only Alton had any idea of your true status, and he’s a bumbling idiot. He’s too busy applying for positions at the Academy to have any idea what’s going on outside his office.” Darwin smiled, and Walter realized the man was actually proud of what he’d done. Walter felt sick.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  “Why? I’ll tell you why.” Darwin ripped a slip of pink paper out of his coat pocket and waved it in Walter’s face. “Do you know what this is?”

  Walter squinted. “Uh, a love letter?”

  “It’s termination paperwork. My termination paperwork. I’m being forced into early retirement.” He glanced down at the slip, and Walter saw a hint of sadness in the madman’s eyes. “Three hundred years of stalwart service down the drain. I climbed the ranks at the Academy. I transformed it into one of the most prestigious organizations in the Afterlife. I did that. Me! And now do you know what’s going to happen? There will be a ceremony—I’m certain to receive some sort of medal or trophy or other nonsense—and then I’ll be ushered into heaven. End of story.” Creasing the pink paper, Darwin returned his termination slip to his pocket. His lower lip quivered as if he were on the verge of tears.

  “Am I missing something?” Walter asked. “Isn’t that what you want? To go to heaven?” Wasn’t that what everyone wanted?

  Darwin narrowed his eyes. “I was a member of the board, and they were going to make me director. I was primed to have true power and position. And because of a few paltry mistakes and what some people call ‘poor decisions’ on my part over the past decade, instead of a promotion I’m getting the ax! How was I supposed to know that sweet Romanian princess would end up igniting a border war? I couldn’t have known that! She didn’t register on any of my reports!”

  Walter had been backing slowly away from Darwin and was now flat against the wall. He was too far from the door, though, and by the time he made it over, Darwin would be able to get to him. He would just have to hope that someone in one of the other rooms would hear Darwin ranting and come in. But all the doors remained closed, and Alton was taking full advantage of his break.

  “Now they’ll hand over my job to some pip-squeak rookie,” Darwin continued. “And I’ll spend the rest of eternity strumming a harp.”

  Walter didn’t dare ask Darwin what other questionable decisions he had made the last ten years to land him in hot water, but the most recent incident involving Charlie and a one-eyed demon couldn’t be helping his case.

  “But you said we were linked. You said that I was the first person to score that high on the exam since when you joined the Academy. Was that another lie?”

  Darwin licked his lips. “I’m afraid so.”

  “You could’ve gotten me killed—worse than killed. Ronald told me that a demon could destroy me, that I’d hardly exist for eons, and then my spirit would have to be rebuilt.”

  “Ah, yes.”

  “I guess I’m sorry you’re being forced into heaven, but this still doesn’t explain what any of this has to do with The Summoner’s Handbook.”

  “Isn’t it obvious? Job security. Increase the amount of demon attacks on earth, and suddenly the need for a seasoned veteran at the helm of the Academy becomes a necessity. They wouldn’t dare place someone with zero experience in charge of recruiting and training Agents if they realize how desperate things have become. If I can control the Underworld, I can control my destiny.”

  All the attacks, all the problems, the run-ins with Hoonga and the rest of the monsters, and now Charlie’s capture and eventual death, all boiled down to one pathetic man’s attempt to keep his job? “But how are you going to control the demons? Once they have the book, that’s it. They’ll be in control,” Walter protested.

  “Ah, this is where you’ll see the workings of a true genius.” Darwin grinned.

  “The demons aren’t going to use The Summoner’s Handbook. I knew that I needed to increase demon activity without things getting out of hand. The problem was that I couldn’t possibly control The Summoner’s Handbook myself. Too much contact with the book would destroy my aura. I needed a human being who would control it for me.”

  “But the one-eyed demon—Hoonga—he said they were going to kill Charlie. That in order to open the Gateway for the demons, Charlie’s soul had to be absorbed into the book.”

  The intensity in Darwin’s eyes softened. “Ah, a sad situation, I agree, but a necessary sacrifice.”

  “I thought you were kind and good—that you would be a mentor to me! But you’re twisted and evil!” Walter yelled at the top of his lungs. He lunged at Darwin, but a bolt of electricity zapped Walter’s body. The energy forced him to his knees, and his hands shook out of control.

  “Don’t! Ever! Touch! Me!” Darwin boomed.

  “You’re crazy. Your plan is crazy!”

  “It’s not crazy, thank you very much. It’s brilliant. And Arnold is well versed in these matters and will take every precaution. He’ll perform the ceremony and gain control of the demons. And I will be in control of him and have a long and happy career.”

  “Who’s Arnold?”

  “Arnold Featherstone, of course.”

  “Who is Arnold Featherstone?”

  “Oh, right. Arnold is known under a different name by his faithful
followers. I believe you know him as Wisdom Willows.”

  So that was how Wisdom was involved.

  “You won’t get away with this,” Walter hissed. It was the only thing he could think to say.

  “Actually, I believe I will. Just as soon as I can figure out what I’m going to do with you.”

  Just then, the door opened, and they heard a familiar voice.

  “I am not a bumbling idiot, and I never take breaks!”

  Darwin and Walter turned around. Standing in the doorway was Alton. And by his side, weary and bruised from battle, were Ronald, Riley, and Reginald Logan.

  “Alton, don’t be foolish.” Darwin’s fingers trembled at his sides as he squared his shoulders and stared down the office worker and three young Agents. “This won’t turn out the way you hope. I assure you.”

  “I can’t believe you’re behind all this,” Ronald said. He looked at Darwin for an explanation. “Why?”

  “Oh, shut up!” Darwin grabbed Walter and held him in front of him. “As long as I have Walter as my hostage, I have a— Oof!” Walter had elbowed him sharply in the stomach, and he buckled over.

  Breaking free from Darwin’s grasp, Walter barely had enough time to move out of the way before Alton plowed headfirst into the Head Assigner of Agents. The two old men scrambled on the floor. Darwin tried desperately to get free, but Alton pinned Darwin’s arms to the floor with his knees.

  “How’s that for ambition?” Alton demanded confidently, though he was shaking like a leaf.

  A squadron of Agents escorted Darwin away with glowing manacles latched to his wrists. “Internal Affairs is going to have a field day with this!” Alton grumbled. “Which will ultimately mean more paperwork for me. Ho-hum.”

  “Walter, are you okay?” one of the senior-ranking officials asked.

  “I think so.”

  “Darwin managed to successfully throw everyone off his tracks for almost a week,” said the same Agent. “Until your reappearance in Alton’s office, no one here knew about the resurfacing of The Summoner’s Handbook or Wisdom’s involvement. Luckily, Alton put two and two together very quickly, and the Agent Ronald Logan explained the rest. Now that we know what’s been going on and how the most lethal book on earth has fallen into the possession of the demons, we are elevating Charlie’s case to a class five—the highest priority.”