An expression of anguish crossed his face as he let her go. Joanna held herself rigid because the urge to put her arms around him and beg his forgiveness was almost too strong to resist, but she mustn’t weaken. She was doing this for his sake, first and foremost, but it was hard to remember that when she could see how much she had hurt him.
‘Then all I can do is apologise if I’ve embarrassed you, Joanna. It was the last thing I intended to do.’
‘You haven’t embarrassed me,’ she denied, not wanting to add to his distress.
‘You’re very kind.’ He glanced towards the door. ‘May I have my coat, please? I think I should leave.’
‘Yes, of course.’ She hurried from the room, wondering if she would ever feel this wretched again. Dylan was doing his best to hide his feelings but she knew how much he was hurting.
Tears ran down her cheeks as she unhooked his coat from the shower rail. It was still soaking wet but she held it against her face while she drank in the faint scent of his aftershave that clung to the damp wool. It was so poignant to stand there surrounded by Dylan’s scent, to hold his coat in her arms and know that his child was growing inside her, that a sob escaped her then another until all of a sudden she was crying in earnest. It was all such a mess, such a horrible mess!
‘Don’t! Please, don’t cry, my darling. I can’t bear it.’
Suddenly Dylan was there, gathering her and the sodden coat into his arms and holding them both tightly against him. Joanna laid her head on his chest as the tears streamed down her face.
‘I never meant to hurt you,’ she whispered brokenly.
‘I know. I never meant to upset you like this either.’ His hands were warm and gentle on her cheeks as he dried her tears, almost as gentle as his lips when he bent and kissed her with a tenderness that made her soul ache. He drew back and it was a measure of the man he was that he managed to smile at her despite what she’d done. ‘Friends, Joanna?’
‘Friends,’ she repeated, wondering if they could ever be friends after what had happened.
She saw him out then went back to the sitting room and sat there, staring at the familiar trappings of her life. This was her home, the place she returned to after her working day ended, but it looked so empty now that Dylan had left, so sterile and barren and lacking in meaning.
She closed her eyes and tried to picture another kind of life than the one she had created for herself and felt her heart ache afresh when the image of a small boy with black curls and sea-green eyes took shape.
She opened her eyes abruptly but the picture didn’t fade. It stayed with her for the rest of the night, an image of Dylan’s child, the child she was carrying beneath her heart. How could she bear to part with it when she loved its father so much?
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE days seemed to drag so that Dylan started to feel as though he was trapped in a never-ending cycle of working and going home to an empty flat. He still found it difficult to accept Joanna’s decision and lay awake at night thinking about what she’d said. Even though she’d told him that she could never love him, he kept trying to think of ways to change her mind. Although she had stopped avoiding him, their conversations were always confined to work and never once touched upon anything personal. It didn’t stop him noticing how strained she looked, though, and it puzzled him. For a woman who claimed to be so sure about her feelings, she seemed to have a lot on her mind. He resolved to find out what was wrong but it was almost a month after he’d been to visit her at home that he had an inkling about what was wrong.
He’d just left Theatre one afternoon after a particularly stressful session. The patient had a history of cardiac trouble and Dylan had needed to work fast to minimise the risks. He had asked specifically for Tom to act as his anaesthetist because of the problems involved in sedating the man. There had been a couple of hairy moments but, all things considered, the operation had gone far better than he’d dared hope.
He smiled his thanks as Tom followed him into the changing room.
‘That was a first-rate job, Tom, not that I need to tell you that, of course.’
‘It never hurts to receive the odd compliment,’ Tom returned airily. ‘You didn’t do too bad yourself, although a couple of those staples looked a bit wonky from my end of the table.’
‘I’ll remember to bring my spirit level into Theatre next time,’ he retorted, wadding his dirty scrub suit into a ball and tossing it into the laundry hamper.
‘Good idea. Still, at least you didn’t go rushing off midway through the operation. That’s something to be thankful for.’ Tom’s voice was muffled as he dragged his scrub suit top over his head.
‘I should hope so.’ Dylan frowned. ‘Who exactly are we talking about here? Don’t tell me young Sarah had another crisis of confidence?’
‘No, although I can’t see her lasting much longer. The poor kid’s a bundle of nerves.’ Tom took a towel off the shelf. ‘It was Joanna, actually. We’d barely got started this morning when she suddenly went dashing off. Lucy told me that it’s the third time it’s happened this week and that when she went after her yesterday, she found her throwing up.’
‘I thought she’d been looking rather pale recently. Maybe she’s caught some sort of tummy bug,’ Dylan suggested, trying not to sound too concerned.
‘Maybe. And maybe not.’ Tom winked. ‘Far be it from me to start speculating about such matters but it doesn’t take a genius to add up the clues. Looking peaky and throwing up each morning could be a sign of something more than a tummy bug.’
‘You think she might be pregnant?’ Dylan exclaimed in shock.
‘I know. It sounds unlikely, doesn’t it? Joanna has always seemed more concerned about her career than anything else. I’d never have thought she would consider having a child, although maybe she didn’t plan on it happening. Accidents can and do happen as we all know to our cost.’
Tom wandered off to the showers but Dylan stayed where he was. He felt as though he’d been rooted to the spot with shock. Was it possible that Joanna was pregnant? And if she was then who was the baby’s father?
His mind raced back to their trip to Paris and his heart began to pound. He had never even thought about using any contraception! The moment he’d taken Joanna in his arms every sensible thought had fled. Now the idea that Joanna might be having his child made him feel so mixed up that it was hard to think what to do. Should be ask her point blank if she was pregnant or should he wait for her to tell him?
His head was reeling as he went into the shower. He dried himself off afterwards, barely hearing a word Tom said. Fortunately, Tom had patients to see so he ambled off, giving Dylan a much-needed breathing space.
He quickly dressed then made his way downstairs. There was an outpatients clinic that day and he had a list of patients to see so he couldn’t go rushing off to speak to Joanna just yet. He would have to wait until later to find out if she was having his baby.
A rush of elation filled him at the thought of what it could mean. Joanna wouldn’t be able to shut him out of her life if she was having his child! Maybe it wasn’t the way he had planned things to happen but he loved her too much to pass up the opportunity. The thought that he might be a part of her life in the future filled him with joy. He couldn’t imagine anything better than having Joanna and his child to love and cherish, to care for in the years ahead…
If there was a child, the voice of reason cautioned. And he had no proof yet that there was.
Dylan took a deep breath. He didn’t know how he was going to cope until he found out the truth.
‘Everything looks fine, Mrs Gregory. The scar has healed nicely, which is always a good sign.’ Joanna smiled reassuringly at the two women. Mary Gregory had brought her daughter with her to the outpatients clinic and it was obvious the young woman was extremely concerned about her mother.
‘But how soon can Mum get rid of that awful bag thing, Ms Martin?’ Alison Gregory demanded. ‘I don’t mean to sound unkind but it m
akes me feel really sick when I think of her having that attached to her for ever!’
‘Once I’m sure the two sections of colon have fused together I shall reverse the colostomy,’ Joanna explained gently. Many patients and their relatives had difficulty accepting the need for a colostomy. ‘I shall then close the opening in the abdominal wall and all your mother will be left with will be a small scar.’
‘See, I told you, didn’t I, Alison? The nurse who taught me how to change the bag explained that it was only temporary.’ Mary Gregory turned to Joanna and smiled. ‘I expect it’s different when you’re Alison’s age but it really doesn’t worry me. I’m just so grateful for what you did. The nurse told me that I could have died if you hadn’t operated.’
‘Thankfully, everything has turned out very well,’ Joanna replied lightly. ‘Anyway, I shall schedule you for surgery to reverse the colostomy in a few weeks’ time. You’ll receive an appointment through the post. In the meantime, just carry on the way you’ve been doing and you shouldn’t have any problems.’
Joanna sank back in her chair after Mary and Alison Gregory left. They’d been her last patients, thankfully. She’d found herself getting increasingly tired in the past week, although whether that was due to her pregnancy or other factors was difficult to decide. She could understand that physical symptoms like the awful morning sickness that she’d been suffering of late were all part and parcel of being pregnant. However, the depression that seemed to hang over her like a dark cloud each day was probably more emotional than anything else.
She still hadn’t decided what she was going to do—whether she was going to keep the baby or have a termination—and the uncertainty was tearing her apart. In her heart she knew that she wanted this child but the rational part of her knew it would be wrong to have it. It wasn’t just her life that would be changed for ever by the birth of this child, but Dylan’s as well. Was she really prepared to put him through any more than he’d suffered already?
She got up, unable to sit there while her mind raced with all those questions. Gathering together the files, she started towards the door then paused when someone knocked. Sighing, she put the folders back on the desk. ‘Come in.’
‘I was hoping I’d catch you.’
Joanna’s heart lurched when Dylan came into the room. Just for a second her eyes drank in every detail, from the shadows under his beautiful green eyes to the lines of strain that bracketed his mouth. Every time they had spoken in the past few weeks she’d had to physically restrain herself from touching him, and it was the same again that day. When he came over to her she wanted to take hold of his hand and feel his fingers curling so warmly and comfortingly around hers, but she didn’t dare give in to the urge. She could look but not touch, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to stop herself telling him about the baby and it would be wrong to do that, very wrong indeed to make him think that she expected him to take care of her and the child. The baby had been an accident and she knew only too well the problems an unwanted child could cause.
‘I was just on my way upstairs,’ she explained, her heart aching as the memories of her lonely childhood came rushing back. If she had this child she would make sure he knew just how much he was loved. She would never do to her child what her own parents had done to her and treat it with indifference!
‘I won’t keep you, then. I just wanted to clear something up.’ He came closer, staring at her in a way that made her feel incredibly nervous. ‘When we slept together in Paris we didn’t use any form of contraception. I’ll be perfectly honest and admit that I never even thought about it or about the possible consequences of not using it.’
He took her hands and held them just as she’d imagined him doing, only now she could feel the tension oozing from him as his fingers gripped hers. ‘I want you to tell me the truth, Joanna. Are you pregnant?’
Dylan could feel his heart thumping. Joanna was staring at him and the horror on her face would have been amusing if there’d been anything remotely funny about the situation. When she snatched her hands away he didn’t try to stop her, couldn’t have done while he was having so much difficulty maintaining his self-control.
‘I’ve no idea what makes you imagine I’m pregnant,’ she began haughtily.
‘Tom told me about you rushing out of Theatre this morning to be sick,’ he said flatly. ‘Evidently, it’s the third time it’s happened this week.’
‘And that’s your proof, is it?’ She laughed scornfully but he could tell how shaken she was and knew that Tom was right. Joanna was pregnant, even though she was going to deny it for as long as she could.
‘That and the fact that we made love six weeks ago without taking any precautions against having a baby.’ He shrugged when she fell silent. ‘Obviously, I have no proof that I’m able to father a child, but as I have nothing to prove that I can’t let’s simply assume that I am capable of reproducing. I don’t know of any reason why you can’t have children, although admittedly I don’t know much about your medical history.
‘Add all that to the rest of the facts and it seems perfectly feasible that we could have created a baby. I mean, we made love—several times, actually—and the basic facts of human reproduction state that if at least one of my sperm managed to find its way to your egg then the result should be seven or eight pounds of bouncing baby once the necessary nine months have elapsed. Do you agree with me so far?’
‘I…um…’
‘Good.’ Dylan summoned a smile, relieved he wasn’t causing her too much distress. He didn’t want to upset her but this issue needed to be resolved.
His racing heart somehow managed to race even faster as he briefly allowed himself to imagine the baby which might be growing inside Joanna’s womb, but he really shouldn’t dwell on such thoughts at this stage. He had to get her to tell him the truth before he got carried away.
‘So now we’ve established all that, let me ask you the question again, Joanna. Are you pregnant?’
An expression of indecision crossed her face before she pulled her hands away and stalked to the window. ‘Yes. And before you ask, yes, the baby is yours, Dylan.’
Dylan felt a wave of intense relief wash over him and sank down onto the edge of the desk. ‘Thank you,’ he said quietly.
‘What for?’
‘For being honest with me. I know how hard it must have been for you, Joanna.’
She shrugged, keeping her face averted as she stared out of the window. ‘These things have to be faced up to, the same as I need to face up to what I’m going to do about it.’
‘What do you mean?’ he said slowly, wondering why he had a sudden feeling that he wasn’t going to like this.
‘That I haven’t decided yet if I’m keeping the child.’
‘You’re considering having a termination?’ he demanded, unable to keep the shock out of his voice.
‘It’s an option.’
‘Not from where I’m standing it isn’t!’ he snapped, jumping to his feet.
‘It isn’t your decision, Dylan. It’s mine.’
‘Maybe it is your decision but I should have a say in it, surely? Damn it, Joanna, this is my child we’re discussing. It isn’t just up to you to decide whether it should live or die!’
‘I’m afraid in the eyes of the law you have absolutely no say in the matter.’ Her tone was icily cold but he could see the pain in her eyes and it was that more than anything which helped him calm down. Finding out that she was pregnant must have been a shock for her and he should be doing all he could to reassure her rather than laying down the law.
‘I know and I apologise for jumping down your throat like that.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s hard to be dispassionate when you’re personally involved.’
‘Which is why it would have been so much better if you’d never found out.’
He winced. ‘So you weren’t going to tell me? You were going to have a termination and I’d have been none the wiser.’
‘I haven’t made up my mind what I�
��m going to do yet. I wasn’t going to tell you because I knew how you would react and I wanted to base my decision on common sense rather than…emotion.’
‘We’re talking about a baby here so I don’t think it’s possible to be unemotional.’ He got up and went to the window but he didn’t touch her. He couldn’t trust himself to do that because he knew he would fall apart. He wanted her to have this child so much that it was like a physical ache, but it would be wrong to force her to do something she might regret. He had to try and persuade her they could work this out but it wasn’t going to be easy, especially not when he remembered his previous attempts to change her mind and how they had ended.
‘I know this must have been a shock for you, Joanna, and I understand why you’re worried about the problems it could cause. However, I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help if you decide to keep the baby.’
‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’
Her tone was so distant that his heart froze over because he sensed he wasn’t getting through to her. ‘I didn’t offer out of politeness or out of a sense of duty.’
He turned to face her, willing her to look at him, but she kept staring out of the window. ‘I’ve never made any secret of how I feel about you and this child will be even more special because of that. I love you, Joanna, and I can think of nothing I want more than to spend my life with you and our baby. If you’re worried about your career then we’ll find a way to get around any problems. I could give up work to look after the child, if that’s what you want.’
‘You’d do that?’ she said, glancing at him, and he saw the surprise in her beautiful grey eyes.
‘Yes. My career means a lot to me but you mean more. It’s your happiness that is the most important thing of all.’
‘But if I did have the baby—and I’ve not made up my mind yet—then who’s to say that your feelings won’t change? I’m seven years older than you, Dylan, and you could meet someone younger in a few years time, a woman who could give you more children—that family you’ve always dreamed of having.’
The Pregnant Surgeon Page 14