The Robot Union

by D Miller

  'What about military ones?'

  'I don't think we can quietly requisition a group of military avatars. And I do think we should do this quietly, at first. When we have something definite we can take it to the general assembly.'

  'Damn Robbie,' said Amber, 'you really have been thinking about this.'

  There was a knock on the front door, and simultaneously Omo's bedroom door opened. He picked the crutches up from the floor where Tim had dropped them, adjusted them and handed them to Robbie.

  'You might want to open the door and see who's out there Robbie dude,' he said.

  'Is it a whale?' said Robbie.

  'Funny dude.'

  'I could just ping from here you know.'

  Omo reached down and pulled Robbie to his feet while Amber pushed.

  'Robbie you really should open the door,' said Amber.

  Robbie swung himself over to the door, he turned to look at his friends, his hand on the handle, they were all looking at him. He opened the door.

  'Surprise!' said Flo. She threw her arms around Robbie. He nearly fell over, but for Omo's steadying hand. Behind Flo were Jon, Sheena, Shauna and Sharon.

  Flo released Robbie, Jon held out his hand. 'Good to see you again,' he said.

  'Oh give him a hug you fool,' said Flo. 'Really sugar, he's just as thrilled to be here as I am.'

  'Hey pretty boy,' said Shauna, 'I hear you lost a leg. That sort of carelessness stops now, we have a soap opera to make.'

  'Yes,' said Sheena, 'the fans have spoken.'

  'And they have said, bring on the angry giant mutant vampire spider monster,' said Sharon. 'Let's get to it!'

  Chapter 44 – Angry giant mutant vampire pet-eating spider monster

  'What is he doing here?'

  'The thing is Darren, the script calls for twins, and we thought that you and Charlie would be perfect. Well not twins, really triplets. Only Shauna says it's traditional in soap operas that when you have twins one is good, but stupid, and the other is evil, and clever.'

  'Right. And can Shauna count to three?'

  'Well there's a third personality, who's basically insane, and bounces between the two of you, taking control of one or other whenever it will cause an unexpected plot twist. You won't have to do all of your scenes with Charlie.'

  'Actually it sounds like fun. Even with the freak.'

  'So you'll do it? Fantastic!' said Robbie.

  It was night, the palace was quiet, although the city was noisy, in the middle of the midsummer holiday period and gripped by celebrations, leading up to the actual summer solstice in one day's time. Robbie, Sheena, Shauna and Sharon were in the basement, where they had taken over a large meeting room to use as a studio. Currently they were getting set up to film a scene in mad scientist Sharon's secret lab. In the five days since the girl bots had arrived they had made rapid progress in finding the equipment that they needed to continue their soap opera. Rex and Jane had managed to find some cameras, which avoided anyone having to use their own, not very powerful, internal camera for the filming. Omo had scrounged some lights from somewhere and was busy setting them up for the next scene helped by Amber. Flo and Jon had again taken responsibility for props and were nowhere in sight, probably on a scouting/scavenging/brazenly stealing mission.

  Jane was holding a camera while Rex padded around saying nothing. The queens hovered, ready to adjust Robbie's angry giant mutant spider costume, which basically consisted of a belt with giant spider legs sewn on to it, tied round Robbie's waist. Shauna had assured him they would fix it in post production. When Robbie had said that he felt stupid in his ridiculous costume Shauna had taken him by the arm, pulled him a little way away from his friends and broadcast on very low power, 'Just stop complaining and humour the queens because they are fucking crazy.'

  'Really?' Robbie had broadcast back.

  'You have no idea.'

  He now looked up and caught Charlie's eye, instantly Charlie moved to join him and Darren.

  'I couldn't help hearing you agree to play my twin,' Charlie said to Darren. 'That's such good news. Thank you Robbie for asking me to be part of this. It's such an honour. I'm so excited.' Charlie turned to Darren. 'Of course I will play the role of the evil twin so as not to burden you.'

  Darren just looked at Charlie.

  'The thing is,' continued Charlie after a pause, 'I feel the evil twin part demands a more nuanced performance, and I wouldn't like you to be saddled with expectations that you have no hope of fulfilling.'

  'Um, I'm sure both of you would be excellent in either part,' said Robbie. 'But, um, that's so like you Charlie, always thinking of others.'

  'It's my job,' said Charlie. 'It forces me to carry that concern for others with me wherever I go. Of course not every paramedic feels the weight of it as I do.'

  'I'm sure it weighs you down,' said Darren. 'That's probably why you walk a bit… oddly.' Darren turned to Robbie. 'You must have noticed that Charlie has a strange kind of wide-legged strut.' He turned back to Charlie. 'I was thinking that perhaps you had nano-bot rot in your intimate area, but now I understand you have a different kind of burden. Just as well. I had a patient once, and the nanobots almost ate right through a small but very important anatomical feature. Dr Tam had to operate, but there was, shall we say, some… shortening.'

  'Places!' called Shauna.

  'Looks like we are ready to go,' said Robbie, heading at speed for his own particular place.

  Robbie and Sheena burst through the door of the lab. They had their arms around each other so that Sheena could help Robbie to stay upright, avoiding the need to remove the crutches in post production and helping to hide Robbie's missing leg. Sharon was hunched over a lab bench, wearing goggles and tinkering with some small device. Behind her a notice propped up against the wall said:

  Today

  Itchiness: high

  Chance of being eaten by an escaped experimental animal: moderate

  Safety goggles: on at all times

 

  SHEENA: I know what you did to Robbie. But the power of my love has saved him from a life of degradation. Now you must restore my beloved to human form.

  SHARON: Never! He killed my cat! He ripped off his head and drank his blood!

  ROBBIE: It's true. And her flying monkey.

  SHARON: No! I thought he had flown away!

  ROBBIE: Well it's not as if I enjoyed it. He tasted vile. The cat was much nicer.

 

  SHARON: Fountleroy! No! No!

  SHEENA: Even though you have been driven insane by a chronic yeast infection, I still cannot forgive you for making my beloved into an angry giant mutant pet-eating spider monster, and this, this is your punishment.

 

  Now if you love me as much as you loved your flying monkey, and if you want my forgiveness, you will restore him.

  'Cut!' said Shauna. 'Great, we'll use that one, did you get that OK Jane?'

  While Sheena, Shauna and Sharon conferred with Jane, Omo brought over Robbie's crutches for him. Rex padded up to to the lab bench, jumped up and rested his paws on the edge of the counter. He sniffed the headless monkey, then licked it. The head rolled towards the body from where Sharon had dropped it; making contact head and body shivered and resolved into Mrs Noah. The doll sat up and looked at Rex.

  'How was I?' she said.

  'Best headless flying monkey ever. I was convinced and I knew it was
you,' said Rex.

  Mrs Noah looked at Robbie. Rex looked at Robbie.

  'You were, um, good.'

  Omo signalled for a secure connection. 'Well done dude, proud of you.'

  Charlie approached. 'You were wonderful in that scene,' he said to Robbie, 'I could see the humanity underneath the monster, but then you did something very subtle and something shifted and suddenly I was seeing the monster underneath the humanity. Really sublime.' He turned his gaze on Rex and Mrs Noah. 'So you must be Mrs Noah, I've heard a lot about you. As we say in the business, you've had an interesting character arc, from sex toy to dog toy.'

  'Um, Charlie,' said Robbie, 'Mrs Noah isn't a toy, she's a person in her own right.'

  Through the secure connection Omo said, 'Dude, I'm even more proud of you.'

  Charlie turned to Robbie, his eyes wide. 'Why yes, of course, I'm so sorry, I meant no offence.'

  'No offence taken guv,' said Rex. 'Just remember that if I bite you on the arse I don't mean any offence by that either. It's just a dog thing. Woof woof.'

  'You're my hero,' said Mrs Noah gazing at Rex.

  'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,' said Rex, 'let's go somewhere quiet and chew.' He picked up Mrs Noah with his mouth, jumped down from the bench and padded away, brushing past Charlie as he left.

  Charlie watched Rex leave, then switched his attention to Omo. 'Elmo isn't it?' he said.

  'Omo,' said Robbie.

  'Right, Emo. You must be so proud of Robbie, he's an incredible person. I hear that you are a laundry bot.' He laughed and shrugged his shoulders. 'Well, we all need clean clothes.'

  'Dude,' said Omo, 'I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping Robbie after the explosion. But I think it's time you and me had a little talk.'

  Through the secure connection Robbie said, 'Are you going to fight over me? Can I watch?'

  'I'd love to talk, I'm sure you have many interesting things to tell me, but I have to go to work now. It does actually matter if I'm late for work, that may be hard for you to understand.' Charlie turned to Robbie, and pointing and winking at him said, 'Goodbye, or should I say au revoir, see you in rehearsals.' He turned away and marched out of the room.

  'OK, now I'm going to hit him,' said Robbie.

  'That might work, part of the problem is he thinks he has a chance with you,' said Omo.

  'I don't know how he can think that,' said Robbie, unable to look at Omo.

  'It's a mystery,' said Omo.

  Chapter 45 – Meet your defining tragedy

  Sisters - are who we could have been

  They show us other lives unseen

  And speak not of the body in the shed

  Sisters - the bond can't be broken

  Whatever words may be spoken

  Still speak not of the body in the shed

  Sisters - the iron bond that never rusts

  If your parameters you adjust

  You find your sister, your second self

  'This is the theme song?'

  'Quiet George, you'll miss the pointless key change,' said Robbie.

  'There's another one?'

  Sisters, are better than brothers

  Who else helps you kill your mother

  And hide her diseased carcass in the shed?

  As the theme song ended Shauna paused the playback, leaving Robbie frozen on the viewing wall of Robbie, Omo and George's apartment, in the act of swinging himself along a utilitarian looking corridor and talking to Nurmeen, who was wearing a red top and a plain blue skirt, rather than the black paramilitary clothing favoured by the bodyguards.

  After another night of filming in the studio in the basement, the team had packed their props and equipment away, and returned the studio to its daytime role as a meeting room. Then, while George and Adrienne were at work (Adrienne was working a few hours at week at a co-operative therapeutic centre) Robbie, Omo, Sheena, Shauna and Sharon had made a start on editing their most recent episode in Robbie's palace apartment.

  In the ten days since their arrival, the girl bots had been living in the pink tent that had formerly belonged to the bombs. Captain Roberts had released it for re-use, after first searching it and questioning the neighbours. He found that the bombs had been living there for two weeks, meaning they had arrived before Robbie had even left Toytown. How did they know he was coming to McMurdo City? What were they doing in the cave? Had they been waiting for Robbie or had they been decoyed there by the avatars? Inside the tent Captain Roberts had found wigs, make up, jewellery, a tourists' guide to the city and some blood-stained fabric that Robbie did not want to think about.

  Visiting the girl bots in their tent made Robbie uncomfortable, but they seemed utterly indifferent to its history. At the same time he realised he was indifferent to the history of the palace – Carlos must have been there, in miserable captivity. Quite likely it was the palace where boyboy had wiped Carlos's personality, with, very probably, gloating sadism. Yet most of the time Robbie didn't think of this, just as the girl bots didn't think of the bombs, although that wasn't entirely true. They had questioned him closely for descriptions of all three bombs, once he had told them that one was possibly still alive, thought to be Katee.

  Now it was early evening, George and Adrienne were home from work. Adrienne had gone to lie down in her room after eating an evening meal with George. It had become the custom of Robbie, Omo, George and Adrienne's friends to gather in their apartment half an hour or so before the start of the evening general assembly. Sheena, Shauna and Sharon had arrived early and were sat on one of the living space's sofas, Robbie, Omo and George were on the other. George had asked the girl bots why they spent so much time writing and producing their soap opera; in reply Shauna had asked George if she could show him the most recent episode and he had unwisely agreed.

  'In this scene,' said Shauna, 'Robbie is playing the part of a brain-damaged robot made to look like the human Robbie, who is currently trapped under Sharon's lab, after a terrible explosion.'

  'Yes,' said Sharon, 'my character lured the human Robbie to the lab and imprisoned him.'

  'You would think he would know better after the whole mutant giant spider thing,' said Sheena.

  'Sharon's character re-purposed her torture robot to be a replica of Robbie,' said Shauna.

  'Wait,' said George, 'she has a torture robot?'

  'Yes, of course, she's a mad scientist, with a fully equipped secret lab from where she plots world domination and the destruction of her sister's bond with her lover,' said Shauna.

  'So my mad scientist Sharon character took her torture bot and tuned up his libido, and turned down his inhibitions, so that he would be promiscuous and when he took the real Robbie's place he would blatantly fool around with other women, and kill Sheena's love for him with his multiple betrayals,' said Sharon.

  'Is any of this possible?' said George.

  'Soap opera is an ancient human art form,' said Shauna. 'Despite this I can tell that you do not know the rules.'

  'Firstly,' said Sharon, 'soap operas have to have a title that defines the physical or emotional geography of the community of interest. In this case we define the emotional geography – sisters. One sister tries to forge her path in life, hampered by her older sister who, driven insane by a chronic yeast infection, suffers unreasonable jealousy of anyone her younger sister becomes close to.'

  'She was driven mad by a yeast infection?'

  'She was driven mad by a chronic yeast infection, it's her defining tragedy.'

  'Right.'

  'Which brings me to my second point,' said Sharon, 'important characters have defining tragedies.'

  'That's ridiculous.'

  'Is it?' said Shauna. 'Wouldn't you say that you and Robbie share a defining tragedy?'

  George shifted on the sofa, where he sat between Robbie and Omo. 'I meant that particular tragedy is ridiculous,' he said. The kitten, sitting on his lap, mewed, then rose to her feet, arching her back. She looked up, then clawed her way up George's torso, and
jumped onto the back of the sofa.

  'Then you know nothing of the itching,' said Sheena from her position between her sister girl bots on the other sofa. The three girl bots simultaneously crossed their legs, right leg over left. Sheena also crossed her eyes. The kitten walked along the top of the sofa to the other side of Robbie, then put a paw on his shoulder, and rubbed her cheek against his. He twisted to pick her up and put her on his lap. He rubbed her ears and she purred. Robbie was pleased that Shelley had chosen him, he knew that Shelley couldn't help liking George, at least partly because he provided a warmer lap than Robbie could.

  'Thirdly,' said Sharon, 'in soap opera anything is possible. We are not bound by the laws of science, or even of common sense.'

  'We are bound by the laws of story,' said Sheena.

  'So, to continue, mad scientist Sharon,' said Shauna, 'now needs to convince the torture bot that he is Sheena's lover, Robbie.'

  'She started to implant the Robbie torture bot with some false memories of my Sheena character and his love for her,' said Sheena.

  'But before my character finished her work,' said Sharon, 'she accidentally caused a terrible explosion.'

  'Kaboom!' said Sheena. 'Now Sharon lies unconscious in the rubble of her secret lab, will real Robbie, imprisoned underneath the lab, be rescued before he dies of hunger and thirst?'

  'Meanwhile robot Robbie, injured and brain-damaged in the explosion, has headed for Sheena's university, driven by an urge to be close to her that he does not understand. Is it love, or the memory of love?' said Shauna.

  'And what does love mean to a torture bot?' said Sharon.

  'What does love mean to any of us?' said Shauna.

  'Do evil people love?' said Sheena. 'Is their love the same, but perhaps just not as deep, as good people's love?'