Outback Ghost

by Rachael Johns

  ‘In that case,’ he said, reading her silence as an answer, ‘let me go top you up.’

  Before she could argue, he’d slipped the wine glass from her fingers and was making his way inside. He dusted his boots off on the welcome mat but didn’t take them off. As she waited for him to return, she tried to remember the last time she’d sat out under a beautiful night sky with someone and simply talked. The last time she’d come close had been in high school, with girlfriends. And although she always found it difficult to talk about her ex, her family and their misconceptions about Heidi, she decided she’d rather open up to Adam than lose his company just yet. Absentmindedly, she reached out a hand and began stroking Mutton who slept soundly on the veranda beside them. His fur was soft and warm and therapeutic and she found it impossible not to smile with him and Adam around.

  ‘Here you go,’ Adam said, when he returned a minute or so later. He handed her the glass and then plonked himself back down on the step beside her. It wasn’t the comfiest seat on the planet and for a moment she contemplated asking him inside but she wasn’t sure she could be trusted alone on the couch with him.

  ‘Thanks.’ Her fingertips brushed against his as she took the glass and it took every effort not to react to the jolt of awareness that shot through her. Maybe telling her story would be a good thing – it would help remind her that no matter how attractive or sweet Adam was, a future with him was a pie-in-the-sky kind of dream.

  ‘Now where were we?’ he asked, stretching his long, muscular legs out in front of him.

  She averted her gaze before she found herself staring at inappropriate places yet again. ‘I think you were going to tell me about the life cycle of the bunyip.’

  He chuckled. ‘Nice try. In actual fact, I think you were about to tell me how you ended up a single mum?’

  Stella sighed. ‘You’re not going to let up, are you?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Samuel was my high school sweetheart.’ She hated that phrase but that was exactly what he was – someone she thought she was in love with at a time in her life when she knew absolutely nothing about love. ‘His parents were farmers too but he wanted to be a lawyer. He had it all set out. We’d go to uni, get a place together, get married and eventually after we’d travelled the world and almost paid off our house, we’d have two-point-five perfect kids. Unfortunately I got pregnant and threw those plans out the window.’

  ‘From what I’ve heard it takes two to tango.’

  ‘Yes, it does.’ She smiled, appreciating Adam’s support. ‘And Samuel was quite prepared to rewrite his ten year plan to include our little bundle. He went to my parents, told them about the baby and asked my father for my hand in marriage. A baby at nineteen wasn’t what we’d planned or expected but I found myself over the moon. Everything looked like it would turn out all right until I had my twelve-week scan.’

  She paused a moment, the memory of that day, how joy had turned to anxiety still haunted her.

  ‘The sonographer gave us a one-in-57 chance the baby had Down syndrome. We were both so young, we could barely believe it and I was certain it had to be a mistake. So I tried to forget about it and enjoy what was a dream pregnancy apart from that one worry hanging over us. At twenty weeks we had the second scan, which told us our baby almost definitely had a chromosomal abnormality.’

  She took another sip of wine. Adam leaned back on the palms of his hands and cocked his head to one side. He was a good listener and she appreciated the fact he allowed her to get it all out without asking a zillion questions.

  ‘Samuel and my family assumed I’d have an amniocentesis but I refused because of the risk of miscarriage. There’d been a girl with Downs at my primary school and I couldn’t get the thought of her gorgeous smile and chirpy personality out of my head. While I was sad that my baby might have difficulties if born with Down syndrome and I did mourn the loss of the baby I thought I’d have, I didn’t see why this news had to be a death sentence. Or why it should be up to me, Samuel, my parents and doctors to make that decision.’

  ‘Man,’ Adam uttered quietly, ‘that must have been a lot to contemplate at nineteen.’

  ‘I think it made me grow up fast. I had to be strong when Samuel and my parents urged me to have the test so we could terminate if necessary. When I refused, Samuel broke off our engagement and made it clear he’d have nothing to do with us.’

  ‘Wanker.’

  She grinned at Adam’s apt description, appreciative of his support. ‘Maybe a little but he was also a scared nineteen year old. I now know that Heidi and I are much better off without him, but it was my parents’ attitude that hurt the most.’

  ‘They cut you off too?’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘They said they’d stand by me but made it clear they didn’t agree with my decision and wouldn’t embrace a grandchild with Downs as much as they would one who was perfect. How I hate that word!’

  ‘Heidi is more than perfect, Stella.’

  His words choked her up and she lost the battle not to touch him. She reached out and took his hand as tears came into her eyes. ‘Thank you. I think so. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. The doctors didn’t need to confirm a diagnosis; one look into her eyes and I could tell, but I honestly don’t think I could have loved her any more if she’d been born with the right number of chromosomes.’

  He squeezed her hand, giving her the strength to continue.

  ‘When Mum and Dad came to visit us in hospital, they looked down at her in my arms and all I could see in their eyes was disappointment and disgust. Sadness I could have forgiven but they wouldn’t even hold her. I knew then, that we were on our own and I would do everything I could to protect Heidi from such discrimination. That meant taking her away from them. I never went home. We spent the first few months of her life in a shelter for young single mothers. I also joined a support group with other Downs parents. Talking to people who’d been through what I was just beginning helped more than I can ever explain. To know I wasn’t alone and that other people understood was what gave me the strength to continue when times were rough. Eventually we were allocated a place of our own through government housing and the people I’d met in support group helped me move in and make the place home.’

  ‘I don’t even know what to say to that story,’ he admitted. ‘You deserve a medal.’

  She shook her head. ‘I was lucky in that Heidi didn’t have the health difficulties that many people with Downs do. Her only real issue has been her sight, aside from that she’s healthy and therefore her intellectual disability is our biggest hurdle.’

  ‘Intellectual disability? She seems pretty bright to me.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Her heart swelled with pride. ‘She is, she simply takes longer than most kids to learn stuff but she puts her all into everything she tries. People say she’s lucky to have me but I firmly believe it’s the other way around. I’m lucky to have her.’

  ‘Does she go to a normal school?’

  ‘Yes, although she has an aide with her all the time. The local public school near us is brilliant. They actually have a couple of kids with Downs and try hard to integrate them thank God. I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t happy there because I don’t have the money to send her to a private school.’

  ‘Still, you’ve got to be pretty resourceful if you’ve managed to get this far alone. Do you work while she’s at school?’

  ‘I’ve done a zillion odd jobs in the last seven years. When Heidi was little and I didn’t want to leave her with anyone else, I worked from home typing up meeting transcripts for businesses after she was in bed. I still do some of that, but I also work in a restaurant during school hours.’ She smiled, thinking about her colleagues and customers. ‘Working there gives me my social fix.’

  ‘And you managed to write a book when?’ he asked with a laugh.

  ‘That is a good question.’ She twisted the stem of her glass between two fingers contemplating the answer. ‘I
sometimes wonder that myself because I never feel like I have time to write, but initially I kept a journal. I’d write in it every night without fail, even if I was utterly exhausted – it was kind of like therapy. And I love looking back and remembering funny things Heidi has said or done and seeing how she’s developed.’

  ‘One of mum’s counsellors suggested she write her feelings down,’ Adam said, ‘but I’m not sure she ever did.’

  ‘I can’t recommend it enough. I love it. One day I mentioned my journal writing to one of Heidi’s specialists and she asked if I’d contemplated putting them in a book. It all seemed a bit overwhelming – having to work it into some sort of readable order, format the document and approach publishers – but once the idea was in my head, I couldn’t get it out. I’d think about what I wanted to write during the day as I was hanging washing, cooking, watching Playschool with Heidi and then I’d write as much as I could on my lunch breaks and sometimes at night. After a couple of months, I had a book.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, holding up a hand. ‘At the risk of sounding repetitive, you are amazing.’

  The way he said amazing had some kind of bizarre effect on her bones. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand because they felt all warm and gooey, as did her heart. ‘You’ll make me blush,’ she warned, but it was too late, her cheeks were already burning.

  ‘I like it when you blush.’

  Was she imagining his deep, suggestive tone or the fact his eyes seemed darker than usual? When he smiled a little and leaned in towards her, she decided maybe not and her heart slammed into her rib cage.

  Was he going to kiss her? Did she want him to? That was a stupid question, but surely she needed to think about the ramifications of such a kiss. She hadn’t kissed anyone since Samuel and he’d been her first. She likely couldn’t remember how and would make a total fool of herself.

  Move back now. Take another sip of your wine. Anything to put him off.

  But despite the sensible voices inside her head, she put the wine glass back down on the step, licked her lips in anticipation and made a move to help him close the gap between them. Adam’s warm, sweet-smelling breath tickled the skin above her lips as he lowered his head.

  ‘Mummy?’

  Stella’s head snapped back and Adam sprang to the other side of the step at the sound of Heidi behind them. Her heart was hammering and every nerve ending in her body was jumping with awareness. She turned slightly and opened her arms to her daughter.

  ‘Hey, baby,’ she said, swallowing in an aim to return equilibrium to her body. ‘Couldn’t you sleep?’

  Heidi shook her head as she collapsed into Stella’s lap and rested her sleepy head against her mother’s chest. ‘What you doing, Mr Adam?’

  Stella saw his Adam’s apple shift in his throat betraying his awkwardness at such a question. Feeling a little sorry for him and slightly worried he might blurt out something about kissing, Stella spoke for him as she stroked Heidi’s hair. ‘Adam just came to see if you were okay after falling into the pool today.’

  A smile burst on Heidi’s face. ‘That’s nice. Isn’t it, Mummy?’

  ‘Yes, very nice.’ Although looking down at her daughter, Stella’s eyes darted sideways to glance at Adam. Nice didn’t even begin to cover what she thought of him and that terrified her. Despite their heavy topics of conversation this evening, she’d found talking with him easy. She hadn’t consumed that much wine but maybe the couple of glasses combined with the sparkling night sky above them had led to her getting a little carried away. The question was just how carried away would she have gotten if Heidi hadn’t interrupted them? Her insides twisted at the thought.

  ‘Mutton!’ Heidi shrieked with glee as the puppy awoke and tried to climb onto Stella’s lap along with her, his lead slapping against her bare legs. Wet, sloppy kisses ensued and Stella couldn’t help but laugh.

  ‘Mutton!’ Adam echoed Heidi but his tone was stern as he leapt to his feet, unclipped the lead and hauled the over-excited dog into his arms. Mutton struggled to get free but Adam held onto him firmly as he looked down at the girls.

  ‘I can’t believe how late it is. Thanks for the chat, Stella. I’ll see you both soon.’

  Stella lifted her hand to wave goodbye but couldn’t manage to say more than, ‘See ya.’ She rubbed her lips together imagining what it would have felt like to be kissed by him, unsure whether to be grateful Heidi had woken up or disappointed. She pulled the little girl close to her and banished that last thought. Her daughter was her first priority, her only priority, and she’d pay to remember that next time she almost kissed someone she’d known barely a week.

  Shame on you, she silently scolded herself.

  ‘Come on, beautiful.’ Stella stood, lifting Heidi with her and taking comfort from the tiny arms wrapped around her neck. The door of Adam’s ute slammed and the love seat swung in the breeze as she took a step towards the front door.

  Heidi loosened her grip, lifted her head and looked towards the love seat. ‘Goodnight, Lily-Blue.’

  A shiver scuttled down Stella’s spine at Heidi’s words. Although she told herself the wind had made the seat sway, given what Adam had told her tonight, it was getting harder and harder not to believe in ghosts.

  Chapter Nine

  Adam tossed and turned half the night and then finally fell into a restless slumber in the early hours of the morning, only to be jolted awake by the piercing alarm on his mobile phone. His first thoughts were of Stella. He silenced the phone then flopped back onto his pillow and groaned. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a morning hard-on like the one he had now and he didn’t know what the hell to do about it. Okay, that wasn’t exactly true, a cold shower would no doubt do the trick but it was more the cause that bothered him.

  Last night had been the best night he’d had in a long time, which was saying something considering their topics of conversation. He didn’t generally tell strangers about Lily-Blue but Stella didn’t feel like a stranger. Sitting with her under the stars, drinking wine and chatting easily, felt like something they’d done a hundred times before. And he’d had a crazy thought that he would like to do it again. And again. They’d spent most of the time discussing Heidi and he hadn’t once been bored. Anything but. When he’d done the Cleo photoshoot a few years back, he’d met some pretty interesting and inspiring people but no one had awed him as much as Stella. She was young, beautiful, intelligent, had drive and aspirations, but surprisingly the most attractive thing about her was her fierce love and devotion to her daughter.

  And that didn’t make sense. Surely, the way he felt about having children, a woman like Stella should be the last woman on earth who affected him. With a deep sigh, he threw back the bed sheets and headed for the shower. He didn’t bother with the hot tap because despite the way his stomach churned when he tried to get his head around his feelings for Stella, his body didn’t care for reason.

  She was hot and her lips had looked wet, warm and inviting in the moonlight. Those two facts weren’t up for debate. He turned up the pressure on the cold tap even more as he thought about how close he’d been to tasting her last night. The heat between them rivalled a mid-February day and he had no doubt that, had Heidi not interrupted them, what began as a chaste kiss could have quickly turned to something a lot more. His erection flared again at the thought and he cursed under the water.

  There was only one thing for it. He was halfway through taking care of the issue when he heard his mobile phone ringing. Stella? The mere possibility had him almost tearing the shower curtain off and slipping on the wet tiles in his haste to exit the bathroom and get to the phone on his bedside table.

  ‘Hello?’ he panted into the receiver without glancing at the caller ID as he stood naked, dripping on the carpet.

  ‘Good morning, son. It’s Dad.’

  His heart sank and his problem shrunk. Why the hell did you think it would be Stella? he chided himself silently. You think she was so affected by your near kiss
she’d be calling first thing to schedule another shot?

  Recovering from his disappointment and stupidity, he said, ‘Hi Dad. How are you?’

  ‘Splendid, splendid, son.’ Dave’s chirpiness grated on Adam’s already fractious mood. ‘I’m at Fremantle Harbour ready to board the ship. Just thought I’d check in with you first. How’s harvest?’

  Adam racked his mind to think if they’d ever spoken about anything apart from farming. ‘Not bad.’ Truth was he’d been distracted from that task since Stella had arrived. ‘Reckon we’ll definitely be finished by Christmas.’

  ‘Only a couple of weeks, son,’ Dave said, like some annoying Christmas elf. Then, before Adam could reply, he added, ‘How’s your mother?’

  She’s fine, no thanks to you. Not that it’s any of your business anymore. This was what he wanted to say but there was no point taking out his unsettled emotions on his father. And he didn’t begrudge his dad this decision. ‘She’s actually not bad. Frankie, Simone and our cottage guests went round to the house for a barbecue yesterday and she seemed genuinely happy.’

  ‘Good Lord. Maybe it was me? Maybe I should have left years ago.’

  ‘No.’ Adam rushed to placate his father. ‘I don’t think there’s any rhyme or reason to Mum’s mental state. And I’m not getting my hopes up about this little bout of sociability either. It’s only a tiny step.’

  It crossed his mind that maybe there was something in his dad’s words – maybe his parents could handle their own grief but having to deal with the other person’s as well had eaten at their relationship until nothing remained. Maybe this separation would help them both finally move on.

  ‘Hmm,’ Dave said noncommittally. ‘I’ll be able to email from the ship but I’m not sure how good the phone lines are so if I don’t speak to you before Christmas, you have a good one. Tell your mother I said the same if you think it’ll help.’

  ‘I will.’ Although secretly he hoped they might just let Christmas slip by. He’d get his dose of festive cheer at the Bunyip Bay Christmas tree, in which he’d somehow agreed to fill Monty’s shoes and play Santa Claus, but he couldn’t see the point in making a fuss at home. Simone and Frankie were heading to Perth to spend a few days with their folks, so they wouldn’t be around to fill the solemn silences at the homestead. ‘See ya, Dad.’