Cowgirl

by Nance Sparks

  “Oh, good one, I’ll remember that.”

  Aren watched Carol squeeze her eyes shut. She found solid footing and walked them toward the waterfall. She kept Carol, specifically her leg, as far away from the spraying water as possible as she ducked behind the cascading falls. She stood up in a smooth, swift motion and lifted Carol up onto the rock outcropping behind the falls.

  “Okay, open your eyes,” Aren said, hopping up on the ledge next to Carol.

  “Where are we? Holy shit, are we behind the waterfall?” Carol seemed to twist her head in every direction taking in her new surroundings.

  “Yes, we are.”

  “Another one of your safe spots, protected from behind with a clear observation post,” Carol said, looking around the dark space.

  “Hadn’t thought of that, but I suppose you aren’t wrong. Anyway, welcome to the coolest, most air-conditioned spot on the farm. When it’s a hundred degrees out there, it’s crisp and cool in here.” Aren leaned across Carol and adjusted the float ring to better keep her leg out of the water. “See, you have goose bumps.” Aren trailed a finger down Carol’s arm before leaning back. “Though, I have learned to check first and make sure the spot isn’t already occupied.”

  “If you’re the only one who knows this place exists, who’d be back here?”

  “Oh, I’ve met a couple of racoons and a badger. None of whom wanted to share the space, and who were very obvious about it, so I’ve learned to check first.” Aren smiled.

  “It’s definitely nice and cool back here, but it’s not the reason for the goose bumps.” Carol turned her head to Aren, her eyes sparkling. “It’s also quite romantic, back here, behind the falls.”

  Aren sat there silently, her heart pounding in her chest. She felt Carol’s hand wrap around hers. Aren turned to face Carol. Yes, it was romantic. Carol was absolutely beautiful, smart, intelligent, understanding, and undoubtedly sexy as hell. But what if this town wasn’t her home? What if she left? Was it already too late? Were the feelings already too strong?

  “Can I ask you a weird question?”

  “What the hell.” Aren smiled. “Go for it.”

  “Are you attracted to me? Sometimes I think you are, but then you pull away. I know my life is a little messy right now…okay, a lot messy. God, the meltdowns, and you’re certainly getting to know me at my worst, one of my lowest points, but the good side is, it can only get better, I swear. And you’re so sweet and thoughtful. You brought me out here to this spot, then back here, behind the falls. Well, what I’m wondering is, Aren, why haven’t you kissed me? I’m making a big leap here in assuming you’re attracted to women, and hopefully attracted to me. Shit, I’m rambling, I’m stopping, see, silent.” Carol pulled an imaginary zipper across her lips. She looked absolutely adorable as color touched her cheeks.

  Aren squeezed Carol’s hand. “I brought you back here to the pool and behind the falls to share a part of me, so you can see what makes me happy, what fills my tanks. I’m trying to be more open. I guess I need more practice.”

  “Oh shit, I’m sorry, Aren, I totally misread this. God, I feel stupid.”

  “No, you didn’t totally misread anything. I am attracted to women, more specifically, to you. I assumed you were too, attracted to women, that is. That first day when I retrieved your clothes, when I checked on the cars, I saw all the rainbow stickers. Why haven’t I kissed you? You’re all but stranded here. I haven’t wanted to do anything that could or would make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel taken advantage of. You can’t drive with this thing on your leg,” Aren said, tapping the plaster cast. “I don’t want you to feel trapped with a predator. I like having you around way too much to do that to you. I like the friendship we’re developing and it’s nice having you here in my life. I don’t want to lose all of it over an unwanted advance.”

  “What if it’s not unwanted? What if it’s welcomed?” Carol looked into the waterfall.

  Aren squeezed her hand. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.”

  “Are you staying, Carol? Is this home? Or are you still searching?” Aren looked out through the waterfall too, at a world blurred by water in motion.

  “I don’t know. I hope it’s home, but I’m not entirely sure—”

  “And that’s what scares me. Yes, I want to kiss you, I want to touch you, but then what happens if you decide it’s not home?”

  “Can you give me more? Help me understand what you’re feeling?”

  “I don’t know how to put it into words.” Aren was thankful for the dark shadows behind the falls, thankful for the noise that hid how nervous her voice sounded.

  “Would you try? Anything will help.”

  “Talking about emotions, hell, feeling emotions, is something I haven’t done for a long time. Somewhere, over the last few years, it all just sort of shut off and I focused on what needed to get done. Then you show up on my doorstep and turn my world upside down. You poke and prod, you ask questions and I find myself thinking about the answers. But if I open up, if I let my guard down and really start to feel again, only to have you say good-bye… God, the thought of that already hurts too much.” Aren exhaled. Where on earth had that come from? Relief and anxiety jumbled together.

  Carol lifted her hand and kissed Aren’s knuckles. “I won’t make promises I can’t keep, and I don’t know what’s going on in my life. I can see how unfair it is to ask you to take a chance, I really can. Can we keep moving forward? Just keep being us, helping each other heal. No pressure.” Taking anything romantic off the table felt wrong, but what else could she do?

  “I’d like that. And I hope you understand, it’s not like I’m asking for marriage or anything, I’ve just never been one to do casual sex or whatever. But if I let my emotions get involved and you leave, it would be damn hard to recover.”

  Carol nodded, and her expression was so warm and understanding. Aren wasn’t used to feeling this raw, this open. It was unsettling and settling all at the same time.

  “I’ve got a picnic basket up on shore with your name on it and you never told me about how your appointments went the other day. Are you ready for a snack?”

  “I could be hungry.” Carol smiled.

  Aren slid off the ledge and back into the water. She found her footing and stood up, reaching for Carol, who wrapped her arms around Aren’s neck. They made their way through the falls and back to shore and holding her close felt so right. She wanted to do this over and over again, but maybe it just wasn’t their time.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  A few days later, Carol woke to the sound of heavy rain and the teasing smell of coffee. She thought she heard a car pulling in as she mixed sugar and cream into her morning coffee. Before she had a chance to gather up her other crutch and investigate, she heard Aren bounding up the stairs two at a time. Her arms were again overflowing with items from Carol’s room at her aunt’s house.

  “Good morning,” Aren said around an armload of items.

  “Good morning. What is all this?” Carol asked. “I thought I heard a car pull in.”

  “You did. I brought your car over from across the street. They must have finished clearing the tree away yesterday and stabilized what was left of the ceiling on the main level. The crew was rained out this morning, but said it was safe enough for you to look around before everything was ruined by the rain. I told them I’d let you know, and then I snagged your keys since I’d feel comfortable driving you across the street and back. I don’t really need a license for that.” Aren set the pile on the table. “These are some more of your clothes out of that room you stayed in. I imagine you’re sick of wearing the same few things over and over. Do you feel up to going through the house now?” Aren shook the rain from her hat.

  Carol moved to the door and looked across the field at the house. “Everything will be soaked if we wait. Wow, they have the second story all removed. It’s all open to the elements.”

  “You could tell me what y
ou’d like and I could go and get it for you.” Aren stood behind her and rested her hands on Carol’s shoulders. The touch was comforting.

  “No, I should go. You’ll come with me, won’t you? Forget I asked, you’re driving,” Carol said, laughing at herself. The thought of going through the debris of her aunt and uncle’s lives was daunting, but it had to be done.

  “I have a long rain slicker hanging on a hook at the bottom of the stairs. That should keep your cast dry. I don’t think we need to tape it up.”

  Aren helped Carol into the car before climbing into the driver’s seat. Carol smiled when she saw Aren looking for the brake release in the location it would be had they been on the wagon. She smiled again when Aren blushed before reaching between the seats to release the brake. After a slight slipping of the clutch, they were off on their first motorized adventure.

  Carol’s heart dropped as she walked into the house. Pictures of her parents still hung on the wall in the living room. She walked over and traced the frame with her fingertip.

  “These are my parents,” Carol said absently, removing the picture from the wall. She held the photograph close to her heart while scanning the other photos for her parents or relatives. She came across one of herself as a small girl on the back of a Shetland pony.

  “I was nine years old here. The pony I’m riding was part of the purchase agreement when my aunt and uncle bought this place. They had to take the pony if they wanted the land. They soon realized why he was named Cujo. He’d wait until you were leading him around, and if you didn’t pay close attention, he’d bite you square on the butt cheek. Got my uncle a few times, then my uncle got him.” She swallowed against old emotions. “Cujo went to the great horse heaven in the sky.” Carol pulled that picture off the wall as well. Aren held out her hand to hold the pictures. “Thanks, but I’ll hold these two.” She didn’t want to let them go.

  Aren nodded and left with the box of items she was carrying. Carol made her way to the bookcase, looking at a few other pictures. She thought she heard a car pulling up. She turned around in time to see a car pull in directly behind Aren. The reverend stepped out of his car and walked up behind Aren.

  “Just like one of the Harris folks. Couldn’t be bothered to show up for the funeral, and sure couldn’t wait to raid their belongings either. I have the jewelry they were wearing. Do you want to steal that too?”

  Carol stepped to the side, trying to see better. Aren spun around to face him, her face red and her fists clenched.

  “How dare you assume I’m here for my own benefit!” Aren said. “You’re some piece of work. Putting on this front of holiness and righteousness, all the while stirring up shit, spreading rumors that you know to be untrue. Stealing from the church? Seriously? I put back way more than was stolen. How dare you? How dare you hit Carol with all that nonsense on the day of her family’s funeral. To what end? Do you think you’ll run me out of town? Piss me off enough so I’ll come after you?”

  Carol saw the veins in Aren’s neck popping out. She stepped into the reverend’s space. He backed up a step or two. Aren wasn’t wearing her sunglasses and the scars around her eye looked dark and jagged. It was the first time she ever looked scary. She was grateful it wasn’t her on the other side of that emotion.

  “Good luck with that. I wouldn’t waste my energy on someone like you. The least you could do is to give Carol some time to grieve. Let her have some time to mourn at her family’s funeral before you start in with your Harris farm bullshit!”

  Carol watched the reverend back up a few more steps until he backed himself up against his own car. “I had some items for Carol from the funeral home. I got a call from one of the workers who attends the church. He said that you asked them to stop working this morning, said that you were here picking through stuff, not Miss Matthews.”

  “You know damned well that she’s been staying with me and rather than ask me if she’s here, rather than ask if she’s inside, you assume the worst. Why couldn’t you just call her on her cell phone and make arrangements to drop the stuff off? No, you have to rush out here so you can say you caught me in the act. Caught me red-handed all over again. Look, I know that the Harris boy killed your niece, but I wasn’t any part of that. I came along years later. I know you had your differences with Ron and Phyllis, before and after. I’ve heard it all and I’m willing to bet I got about half the truth.” Aren pointed at her face and stepped closer to the reverend. “And I’ve paid my price too for knowing that family. Believe me, I’ve paid and paid, time and again. You weren’t the only one that was hurt by Daniel’s actions. But you were so angry that you couldn’t see anyone else’s pain. You couldn’t see that Ron and Phyllis needed you. Needed your compassion, your guidance as their spiritual leader. They needed the community’s help, but no, you denied them. You ruined their name as much as Daniel did. You wouldn’t let it go and now you’re ruining my name and punishing Carol just for being around me. Enough. It needs to end. Please, just set the envelope down, get in your car and get the hell out of here. Leave Carol in peace to sort through what she wants. I won’t ask you again.”

  Reverend Todd didn’t argue. He dropped the envelope, scooted around his car, climbed in behind the wheel and took off toward town without saying another word to Aren.

  Carol was sitting in the living room next to the glassless window, tears streaming down her cheeks. She tried to wipe them off when she heard Aren coming up the porch, but she knew that Aren would know she’d been crying.

  “I’m sorry you had to hear all of that. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Aren said, squatting over the glass shards in front of Carol’s chair.

  “You didn’t upset me. These aren’t sad tears, well, maybe some of them are, but not because of you. They’re for you. I feel so bad for you,” Carol said, wiping away another stray tear that trailed down her cheek, “He was so cruel to you, so hateful because of something that you had no control over. That girl that was killed, she was his niece?”

  Aren nodded silently. Carol touched Aren’s cheek as she shook her head in disbelief. “You offered to go to the funeral, to be there for me, even though you knew you’d have to face that hatred? You put up with everything I said to you at the market that day, yet you stopped the work here today just so I could have time to dig through this heap for a few pictures and some clothes?”

  Aren remained silent, looking at the floor. Carol squeezed her hand, and with her free hand, lifted Aren’s chin so she could see her eyes.

  “Aren, you are the most selfless person I’ve ever met,” Carol said softly. She wrapped her arms tightly around Aren’s neck. “I’m done here. I don’t want anything else. Please, just take me home.”

  Chapter Twenty-two

  The rain continued to fall through that afternoon and into the evening. Carol followed Aren down for the evening chores and sat on a stool watching Aren as she began to milk the first of the two cows.

  “Were you and Jennifer lovers?” Carol asked once Aren had the milking under way.

  Aren’s arm dropped too far while working the milk out of one of the teats, and she nearly knocked over the milk pail, catching it just in time to save the milk. She shook her head and looked over to Carol. “You’ve got to warn me when you’re going to ask questions like that out of the clear blue.”

  Carol tried to keep a straight face. “I’m sorry, it just popped into my head.”

  “Why do you ask about Jennifer?” Aren asked, her brow furrowed slightly.

  “I think you had a nightmare about her last night. I woke up to you screaming out for her,” Carol answered quietly. “I still want to learn more about you.”

  Aren leaned her head against Cinnamon’s side, closing her eyes for just a moment. The mere mention of her name tugged at Aren’s heart. The thought of reliving all of that through words seemed much like slicing open a healed scar. Only her scars weren’t really healed, they were more like severely infected, festering scabs.

  “We don’t have to
talk about this if you don’t want to. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry,” Carol said in a hesitant tone.

  “No, no, you’re not prying. I want you to ask any question you have. I’m not known for letting my demons come out to play, that’s all. Sometimes it just takes me a bit to figure out the words.” What more information could she offer that wouldn’t slice open old terrors? “Jen. How do I describe Jen? She was the closest thing to family, real family, like you read about in books, that I’ve ever known. I knew all of her secrets and she knew every one of mine, and despite that, we still loved each other, unconditionally.”

  Aren milked for a few more minutes before continuing. “We did sleep together once, my junior year of high school, well, we slept together often, but we made love just that one time. It helped both of us learn a lot about ourselves. She learned that she still liked men, sexually anyway. I learned that I couldn’t have the one person I loved most in this world.”

  “So, you were in love with her?” Carol asked softly.

  “Oh yeah, head over heels in love. Have you ever been in love with someone who loved you but wasn’t in love with you?” Carol shook her head. Aren nodded slightly. “It rips your guts out. Watching her kiss some guy she just met or seeing her hop into a car and take off with some guy, knowing that he was going to touch her in a way that you had once, but likely never would again.” Aren paused again for a few moments before continuing. “Loving her was like being in one of those deep caverns you explore. One wrong turn and you’re forever trying to find your way out, all the while walking deeper and deeper into the heart of the cavern. Some years later they find your bones just two turns from the exit. I can’t necessarily say I regret making love to her, but I can’t help but laugh when I think of Bugs Bunny saying ‘I knew I should have turned left at Albuquerque!’” Aren used her Bugs Bunny voice for the last sentence.

  Carol chuckled. “Were other women able to help heal your heart?”