“It’s done, Faye. There is no baby.”
“No. No.” I shook my head, dropping to my knees in front of him. “There is. There is. Please.” I gripped his pants. Desperation flooded every inch of me. Consuming me. “Don’t kill my baby. Our baby.” And that’s when I saw it. That moment of hesitation that broke through his hate-filled demeanor. “It’s our baby, Daddy. It’s our baby. Please.”
But then the hate snapped back into place. “Undo my belt.”
My own hate wormed its way through me. Devouring me. “But the ba—”
“I’ll think about it after.” He moved my hand to his zipper and I could feel him on the other side of his pants. His thick erection.
But he didn’t think about it. Not while he was fucking my face, my knees grinding into the cold, dirty tile floor. Not while I was gagging on his length, while he was shooting his cum down my throat. He didn’t know that our baby was wriggling around inside my belly all the while. He didn’t care that a little life was twisting and turning inside me. A life created, divulged through bitterness and pain and filth.
And the little baby died the same way. Sucked out of my body like it had never been while I screamed. While I begged and pleaded for its little life. It died. He died. A little boy. Just old enough to tell the sex. He showed me the baby, while my body shook with pain. I’d gotten no pain medication. Nothing to relax me. Nothing. He held the little infant on a dirty silver platter. He held it to my face and made me look at him. My baby. The one he killed.
“You did this to yourself, Faye.”
And I was alone. The pain that wracked my lower body was nothing compared to the ache in my heart, my soul. It ravaged me, destroyed me and I wanted to die. Like him. Like my little innocent baby.
“Did you understand the question Ms. Turner?” Jim voice sucked me out of that darkness and back to the present. Back to Taylor’s eyes who sat before me in a packed courtroom. My hands trembled and the burning that was always there beneath my skin rose to fore. Demanding, needing a bump of coke. Something—anything to make the pain go away.
I clenched my hands in my lap but they wouldn’t stop shaking. The harder I tried to clench them, the more they seemed to shake.
“Ms. Turner, are you okay?”
“I—”
But the look in his eyes killed the words in my throat. Taylor’s eyes. They promised so many things. They promised pain. Endless pain. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live through those things again. Through more moments that would break me. Destroy me. I couldn’t fall apart again. It was that look that was so familiar, that promised he would always win. And he would. He always did. The things I said wouldn’t make a difference. The proof wouldn’t either. Because I would be back beneath him. Just like his eyes promised.
It was Taylor and I. I was his Faye baby and he was my daddy. And there was no escaping it. No matter how much I didn’t want it. No matter how much I wanted things to be different. No matter how many times he had destroyed me, ruined me. It would always come back to that.
He’s won.
And my heart broke. I didn’t think it was possible for it to break anymore but it did. It fractured inside my chest. And all I wanted was for it to go away. To drown in white powder and pretend like none of this was real.
“Faye.”
I looked up, away from Taylor finally. It was Rhett. He stood just in the crowd. But he was too late. I couldn’t be saved. Not now. Not ever.
“I can’t do this.”
“Ms. Turner—
“Wait—”
But I was already up, moving. Away. I needed to be away. The image of my baby. His bloody shriveled little body. I couldn’t blink it out of my head. Like I’d gotten so good at doing. I couldn’t move fast enough. My feet couldn’t carry me down the steps out of the witness stand. My head ran faster. Until I was tripping, tumbling my body sprawling forward. And then everything went black.
ELEVEN
Faye.
I sat alone in my room. I could have gone to work, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to face the world. They all knew I was weak. They all knew how I had passed out on the witness stand yesterday. How I fell apart with just one look into Taylor’s eyes. I couldn’t face them. Especially not Rhett. Not when I let everyone down. He’d tried to talk to me. But I pushed him out, shutting the door to my room. I couldn’t even look at him. Sarah either. Her pity ate at me like an infection. I was just the pathetic prostitute junky who couldn’t keep her shit together.
The woman who couldn’t keep it together long enough to tell her story. Not even when it really counted. A lot of things hinged on my testimony. It was supposed to be the nail in Taylor’s coffin. The new evidence brought the charges from sexual assault to aggravated sexual assault of a child on multiple counts. But I was too weak to use the hammer. I was just a scared little girl. And apparently I always would be. No matter what changed about my life, I was always going to be the same when it came to Taylor.
“Faye!” Rhett’s shout from outside the apartment made me jump. I climbed out of bed just as I heard the front door open. I was halfway to my door when Rhett burst through it. His hair was a mess and he was sweating, breathing hard.
“What? What is it?” Panic flared in my blood.
“It’s over.”
“What?”
“The case. The trial. It’s over. They found him guilty.”
I froze in place.
“It’s over,” he said again, running his fingers through his hair. His eyes were bright, the green shinier than I’d ever seen it.
“Did they…” I was afraid to ask the question. It was there on the tip of my tongue.
“He got ninety-nine years. The maximum sentence.”
My breath caught in my throat. The air in my lungs seemed to pause. Everything seemed frozen in time, in space while Rhett’s words bounced around in my head.
“The judge didn’t even wait to sentence him. Once the jury announced their verdict he set down his sentence.”
I shook my head. “But I fucked up. I didn’t testify—”
“It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have had to sit up there anyway and go through that.”
I bit down on my lip, my mind whizzing through a thousand questions, scenarios. “It’s really over?” Tears pressed at the backs of my eyes. “He’s not getting out?”
“No.” Rhett smiled. “No possibility of parole. He’s never getting out, Faye. He can never hurt you again.”
I let excitement flood my body and before I knew what I was doing I was embracing Rhett, clinging to him. His body was hard, perfect against my own. I could start my own life now. I could—
But I shut those thoughts down. Exterminated them before they could worm their way through my head. I pulled back from Rhett. This was too clean, too easy. Taylor was too smart. This wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be.
“That’s it? It’s just done?”
Rhett touched his hand to my cheek and I fought the urge to rub my face against it. “Yes.”
“But it can’t be that simple.” I took a step back.
“Simple? Do you call the last year simple?” He gave me a half smile and that was when I really saw it. The joy, the excitement. It was there on his face in a way I hadn’t seen since I was just fifteen years old—a little girl with a crush.
And then he was hugging me again. I don’t know if I stepped into him, or he to me—maybe it was both. I would remember this embrace for the rest of my life. There was no doubt in my mind. I had a hundred thousand questions. Some of them the same that I wanted to ask over and over just to be certain, but I could accept this for now. I could live in this moment with Rhett. I could cling to him and bask in the good things. The blessings of life I never thought I would see.
“Is everything okay?”
Sarah’s voice was like a rusted knife slicing through the air. I jerked away from Rhett awkwardly to see her standing at the door holding her purse and keys.
“They ga
“They did?” She pressed her hand to her chest and dropped her purse on the floor.
“Yes.” He nodded.
“Well that’s…” She glanced between the two of us, that sourness that had become part of her complexion seeming to intensify, “great.” She looked at Rhett. “Why didn’t you tell me?” First. The word was there. Implied just on the tip of her tongue. I could see it, feel it, in the way she stood, the way she looked at him. The way she looked at us.
“Just found out.” He slipped his hands into his pockets, his stance hardening, as if he was preparing for battle. It didn’t make sense to me. He and Sarah never argued, something I had been dismayed about previously. On all accounts they looked perfect on the outside.
“Oh.” She bent down and grabbed her purse off the floor. She glanced between us again. “I’m glad.”
I expected her to say more. I expected her to hug me and rejoice. The Sarah I had come to know would have done those things. But she seemed unable to cross the threshold into my room. Unable to move toward me. Toward us. Rhett and I. And for some reason that wounded me.
My phone started chiming and I grabbed it off the bed, thankful for the distraction.
Roger: Hear the good news, kiddo? I know R was in a dead sprint to tell ya. We’re all gonna go out and celebrate tonight at the White Elephant. U better come.
In spite of all the tension in the room I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at my lips. We were going out to celebrate Taylor being locked away—forever. This truly was a day to celebrate. Everything in life was so complicated, but today I wouldn’t let the little complications destroy me. I wouldn’t let myself be sad or disappointed in myself that I had faced Taylor and failed. I would rejoice in this victory. And maybe this really could be a new beginning. I glanced between Rhett and Sarah.
Maybe I really could start over.
The White Elephant was different this time around. I couldn’t decide if it was because there were more people, that the bar was packed and the live band was really awesome, or if it was me that made it different. I wasn’t the same person I had been when I came to this bar months ago. The girl who didn’t know how to drive, didn’t have a cell phone or her GED. It was amazing the things that had happened in my life just in that short time. I was twenty years old now and for once—for the first time in years I wasn’t faced with a future I dreaded. I thought being homeless, living out in that field and fucking men for money was my freedom, but I realized now, as I stood inside the White Elephant among smiling faces that I was truly free for the first time.
Taylor was gone—for good it seemed. And I had a future. A real one.
“Here you go, kiddo.” Roger approached me through the crowd and handed me a fruity looking drink. I took a sip and scrunched my face at the strong taste.
“There’s alcohol in this.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I know you’re not twenty-one yet, but I say, you’ve been through one hell of a year. You should be able to celebrate a little.” He winked at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. And it felt good to smile at him. He was such a nice guy, kind and caring. He went out of his way to help me out. There were numerous occasions while I was studying for my GED that he had come to the apartment to quiz me on it. Staying up late when he had to work early—even though he didn’t have to.
He wore a dark pair of jeans and a polo shirt. His dark hair was slicked back in its normal fashion. “Cheers?” He held up his beer.
“What the hell.” I held up my cup and touched it to his before taking another sip—a smaller one this time.
“There you guys are.” Rhett and Sarah approached.
“Hey man.” Roger clapped Rhett on the back before hugging him. “It’s a good day.”
Rhett pulled back and nodded, though he didn’t smile. Instead he glanced at me, then at the drink in my hand. “What are you drinking?”
I shrugged. “Roger got it for me.”
“Alcohol?”
“Chill out my man, this girl has been to hell and back. She deserves to have a celebration drink.”
“You should have rode with us if that was the case,” Rhett said, clearly agitated.
I frowned. “I’m fine. I won’t get drunk or anything.” I hadn’t rode with them on principle. By the time I was ready to go, I could hear Sarah talking to Rhett in their room, and I just didn’t have the heart to sit outside their door and wait for them. I wouldn’t let the ache in my heart over their relationship plague me today. Today was the day they put Taylor away and I would be happy and celebrate, and not let anything bother me.
“Yeah, Rhett. It’s over. There’s no reason to stress anymore. Let’s have a good time.” Roger wrapped his arm around Rhett’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze.
Right around that time Cayden and Katie showed up along with Jim and his wife and few coworkers from the firm. The band started playing again and everyone was moving to the music and laughing over their drinks. The whole time I tried not to look at Rhett, to watch him, but I couldn’t help it. I wondered if I’d ever get over the way I felt about him. The deep-seated feeling that had been embedded in me for so many years. I watched him with Sarah. The way she leaned in to him with the music playing loud. How his arm automatically covered her shoulders, even though he was talking to someone else. It was as if they knew each other inside and out. It made me sick.
And when Roger offered to get me another drink, I didn’t turn him down. And soon I was two drinks in and feeling better than I’d felt in a long time. It was why I let Roger pull me out onto the packed dance floor. Again I was back to tripping over my own feet and his, but he didn’t seem to mind. We both laughed the entire time we stumbled around the dance floor.
A slow song came on and I made to move back to where everyone else was standing, but Roger stopped me, pulling me into his embrace.
“One more song, kiddo?” He smiled down at me, and I nodded, feeling a little breathless. There was no denying how beautiful he was. It was just a fact. He was different from Rhett, dark where Rhett was light.
Stop comparing him to Rhett!
He pressed his hand against my waist and pulled me into him, our stomachs pressing against one another.
“You want to know something?”
“Hmm?” I blinked up at him as we started rocking slowly back and forth.
He smiled and glanced around us as if he was embarrassed. “Never mind. I told myself I wouldn’t do this.”
“Do what?” I chuckled.
“You’re beautiful, kiddo. Did you know that?”
His words sucked the air out of my lungs and I blushed. “Roger, are you drunk?”
“I’m tipsy.” He smiled, the movement lighting up his whole face. “And I shouldn’t be telling you this. I promised myself I would wait. But oh well, fuck it.” He brought his hand up and cupped the side of my face. “I think you’re beautiful. I’ve always thought that.”
“But—”
I never got to finish what I was going to say because he was kissing me. His lips pressed firmly against mine. Another dancing couple bumped into us, but neither of us paid attention to them. I’d never been kissed by anyone who was a John, Taylor, or Rhett. I’d never been kissed by a nice successful man in the middle of a slow dance. That kind of thing happened in movies. Not to girls like me—who had been fucked the way I had.
But he was kissing me. There was no denying the firm press of his lips against mine. His hot hand on my cheek in the even hotter bar. The world seemed to be on fire and I reveled in the fact that this was truly a new start. I could do whatever I wanted. I could be whoever I wanted. And in this moment I could kiss anyone and it wouldn’t matter. Taylor didn’t matter—Rhett and Sarah didn’t matter. The world didn’t matter—only I did. Here in this split second of time.
I kissed him back. Pressing my body closer to Roger’s. His hand gripped my waist. The one on my cheek snaked into my loose hair.
Until it was over. Until Roger was jerked backward away from me and I was left breathless there in the middle of the crowd.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Rhett shouted into Roger’s face. Rhett’s hands were buried in Roger’s polo shirt, stretching out the smooth fabric.
“Chill out man, okay? It’s not—”
Rhett’s fist slammed into Roger’s face sending his head reeling sideways.
“No!” I rushed forward knocked from my momentary stupor. “Let him go Rhett!” But he hit him again before I could get to him.
“She’s not yours!” The crowd parted and bouncers rushed in before Rhett could get in another swing, separating them. They started dragging Rhett off. “Don’t you ever fucking touch her like that again!” he shouted over his shoulder, wrestling with the bouncers.
“I think we should go.” Sarah seemed to appear out of nowhere. The sour look that I’d grown used to, seemed to be even more pinched, pressing down on her pretty features. She didn’t look right at me when she spoke. She seemed tired more than anything.
Roger was standing up again, talking to Cayden and holding his nose.
Something inside me told me I should feel bad for Roger. That I should go to him, worry over him. He took a punch for kissing me after all. But I didn’t. Instead I followed Sarah outside, my heart pounding a million times per second. The look on Rhett’s face when he hit him. The vicious anger in his eyes. It did something to me.
Rhett was arguing with the bouncers when we made it outside. “There’s someone inside that I have to get!” He ran his fingers hard through his hair, his breath coming out in a white fog from the cold. “I can’t just fucking leave without her!”
Was it wrong that my heart sank? That even though he had just punched the shit out of Roger for me—he was demanding to come back in and get Sarah.
“We’ll go get her, but you have to stay outside, got it?” one of them said.
“Fuck. Fine. She has dark hair, brown eyes. Her name is Faye.”
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