My heart leapt into my throat at the sound of my name. He was going to come back in there for me?
His gaze met mine seconds later.
“Never mind.” The look he gave me was lethalaqad. It wasn’t soft, caring, loving. It wasn’t full of compassion or pity. Not even hate. None of those things. Instead he looked pissed the fuck off, like he wanted to rip someone’s head off. His green eyes sparkled with it. His chest was heaving, breathing hard from the fight and the struggle with the bouncers.
He approached slowly. His feet crunching on the pavement.
“Give Sarah your keys.”
“What?” I frowned, remembering that Sarah was standing next to me.
“Give them to her. You’ve had two drinks. You shouldn’t drive.”
“I’m fine,” I said evenly.
“No you aren’t.”
I knew he was probably right, which was why I dug my keys out and handed them to her. “Looks like you’re my chauffeur tonight,” I said to her.
“No. You’re riding with me.” Rhett turned around and walked away as if I would just follow him, no questions asked.
“Just go with him.” Sarah sounded resigned as she moved away from me. “I’ll see you at home.”
I nodded, watching them both move away from me in disbelief. Part of me wanted to turn around and walk right back into the bar. Go right back in there with Roger and finish that kiss. But that was a small part of me. The bigger part wanted to follow Rhett just as he asked. I wanted to see him, to look into those angry eyes and see where it would take me. Was I a bad person for that? Did that make me sick to want those things even though his girlfriend was just feet away?
I am sick.
There was no avoiding it. And the reality of it didn’t hurt me. So I followed him, my feet carrying me in his wake. And I knew my sickness, the thing—the filth that festered inside would consume me.
I hoped it would consume us both.
TWELVE
Faye.
“Why did you punch him?” Maybe it was a naïve question to ask as I rode home with Rhett. Maybe it was a ridiculous question, but I needed to hear him say it. I wouldn’t ride home in the tense silence I knew was to come. So I asked barely after he’d started the engine of his SUV.
“Why did I punch him?” His voice was even, void of anger like his face and eyes revealed. He backed the car out of the parking spot.
“Yes.”
“I don’t think it matters.”
I snorted. “You don’t think it matters?” He pulled out onto the road. “You just punched Roger. Your colleague and friend.”
“It doesn’t matter to you,” he said, focused on the road.
“It does matter to me. He was kissing me.”
“You liked that didn’t you?” he hissed, still not looking at me.
I scoffed and shook my head. “What is this Rhett?”
“What is what?” He tightened his hands on the wheel.
“This shit we’re doing. This dance we’ve been doing since the moment you picked me up on the side of the road.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
Anger rolled around inside my head. “Are you kidding me? Not doing anything? You call kissing me—multiple times—nothing? Touching me. Watching me cum. Cumming all over me? That’s nothing to you?” I prodded him, stabbing him with my words. He could hide from himself, from Sarah, all he wanted, but he couldn’t hide from me. Not anymore. Not today.
“Those things shouldn’t have happened.”
“Oh yeah?” I turned my body sideways so I was fully facing him. “I think that’s bullshit. I wouldn’t be in this passenger seat right now if you really believed that. I would have driven myself home. You wouldn’t have punched Roger. Hell, maybe I would have gone home with him.”
Rhett’s hands tightened further, so tight his knuckles turned white, threatening to burst through his skin.
“Oh, does that bother you? Does it make you crazy to think about the things I might have done with Roger if I went home with him?”
“Stop.” It was one word, but I heard the warning behind it. He still didn’t look at me.
But it was too late for me to stop. I was tipsy. Today was the first day in years where the future actually seemed clearer, more defined—a future without Taylor. My body vibrating from how close Rhett was. Just inches away. I could reach out and touch him. I wouldn’t let him hide from me now.
“Maybe I would have got on my knees.” I bit down on my lip. “Unzipped his pants.” I let the words roll off my tongue seductively.
“Faye.” The threat was bigger now, but I didn’t know what it meant, what it entailed if I kept pushing. There was no way in hell I was going to stop now. It was too late for holding back. I’d held back long enough.
“I wonder how big his dick is.” I licked my lips. “I bet it’s pretty big, don’t you think? He’s ta—”
The screeching of tires cut my words short as Rhett whipped the car down a dark alley not too far from his apartment building.
“Shut the fuck up,” he said as he threw the car into park.
I didn’t let it phase me. “You don’t want to hear about how good I would suck him? About how I would take him deep into my throat?” Bitterness swept through me. “Because I had to watch you fuck her, Rhett. I had to fucking watch you while you came inside Sarah. Don’t you think that would only be fair?”
“You want to talk about what’s fair, Faye?” he asked, turning toward me for the first time. The look in his eyes could kill. “I’ll tell you what’s fucking fair. It’s finding you, after I’d helped you. After I’d tried to help you change your life. It’s finding you at that truck stop again, on top of some fucking random guy. I had to watch that.”
A smile crept across my lips. “Okay. Sure. Fair. You can fuck your girlfriend. And I can fuck whoever I want as well.”
He turned away and slammed his fists against the steering wheel. “This is so fucked up.”
“What is?” Because for once we were actually going somewhere—the things I had always wanted him to say. I could feel them. Taste them. He would say them. I was certain of it.
He took a deep breath and glanced up at me. That’s when I saw it. The pity. It had wormed its way in through the anger and lust. The pools of it so deep I was certain I would never ever escape.
“No, Rhett. Don’t you fucking do that. Don’t pity me!” I shouted. I couldn’t not scream them. This was why I didn’t want to tell the world about what happened to me. This was why I ran away and fucked those men for money and drugs. Because the pity was disgusting. It was as if the filth that I had always carried was suddenly visible to the world, my open, festering wounds bare. “Don’t make this about him. Not today. He’s gone.” My voice shook on the last word, but he was still looking at me with those pitiful eyes. And I knew I would never escape it. Taylor could be gone forever but I would still be this girl. The one he raped. And I didn’t even care that the world would look at me that way. The world didn’t matter. But Rhett did. Rhett was the only one who had ever mattered.
He was the only man who had ever taken the time to truly get to know me without some other hidden intentions. But it was his eyes that held the most pity.
“Fuck you.” I threw my door open and climbed out of the car. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t look at his face anymore. It was bad enough that the things that had been done to me were burned into my head—into my flesh—for eternity. But seeing them reflected in his eyes—that made it all worse. One hundred times worse, because it showed just how terrible my life had been. Just how bad and deep the scars ran. Endlessly and forever, until I was nothing but a ripped up hunk of flesh.
I gripped my left forearm, the thick pink scar hot against my palm.
The sound of a car door opened and shut. “Don’t walk away, Faye.”
But I ignored him. Taylor was gone. But not really, he would always be a part of me. Rhett hadn’t even had to say his name for me to be re
minded.
“I mean it, Faye.” Rhett grabbed my arm, spinning me around. But I wasn’t going to take it. I wasn’t going to drown in that pity. Not today. I jerked my arm back, but he was stronger and I didn’t get free.
“Fuck you!” I shouted in his face, but he still didn’t let go. He didn’t even move a muscle. His face was stoic. A muscle ticked in his jaw. There was indecision in his eyes. Gone was the pity.
“Shut up.”
“I don’t have to listen to you.” It sounded petty, but it was true. I jerked at my arm again. He didn’t let go, instead he pushed me up against the cold chain link fence surrounding the building at my back.
“I wanted to save you.” A yellow streetlight illuminated him from behind so I couldn’t see his face in the darkness.
“No one can save me. You know that.”
“I wanted to fix everything.”
“That’s stupid.” I tried to push away from him, but he pressed me harder against the fence.
“I…”
“Why didn’t you come the day I had to testify? Why didn’t you come see me?” My words sounded hoarse, scratchy.
“I was scared.” His voice was quiet but his body still pressed hard against me.
“Scared? You were scared?” I was baffled, completely and utterly baffled. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“I was scared you wanted to see him.”
“What?”
“That you would…fuck I don’t know. You told me you loved him. You used to love him.”
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” I shoved at him again. “You’re a piece of shit.”
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t move a muscle. I was still pressed between him and the fence. His body warm, the fence cold.
I formed my hands into fists and slammed them against his chest as hard as I could. “You thought I wanted him, to see him?” I hit him again. “What was that some sort of fucked up jealousy on your end?”
“Say it again.”
“What?”
“Tell me I’m a piece of shit.”
I frowned. It didn’t make sense, but I was too pissed. Too hurt to care. “You are a piece of shit. I was scared. And you didn’t come.”
“Roger did. I thought that would be enough.”
He had turned the tables on me. Twisting them around until we were back to what started tonight. Back in the bar with my lips on Roger’s.
“Fuck you.” I swung at his face, but he dodged my fist.
“Why did you want me there, Faye?” His voice was rougher, deeper. I could feel his thickening cock against my hip through our clothes. The combination of the two did something to me, liquefying everything inside until my cunt was slick for him.
“Because you’re the only person that matters.” I hadn’t meant to tell the truth. I had intended to tell him to fuck off again, but the words slipped out as if they didn’t even belong to me.
I opened my mouth to insult him again, but before I could he thrust his lips against mine. The second time I had been kissed tonight, but this kiss—it surpassed anything I had felt with Roger. It moved mountains and flooded rivers. Our tongues tangled together, our teeth clanging against one another. The chain link fence bit into my back, but I didn’t care. This was what I wanted. This was what I had always wanted.
I tangled my fingers into his hair letting him consume me. His hands gripped my waist, digging into the small space of exposed flesh above my jeans. The skin to skin contact sent a shiver through my body. His hands were impossibly hot, searing my skin like a brand.
Then something came over me. It was this urgency. A desperation—panic. I had to have this. I had to have Rhett. Him. I had to have him after all these years. After all the nights I laid awake thinking about him. All the men I fucked and pretended he was them. After everything. He had to be mine. If for nothing else, then for right now.
I hurried my hands down his chest and started pulling at his belt. I expected him to jerk away, to stop me, but he didn’t. He kissed me harder as if he was as desperate as I. Scared the moment would and we could never get it back. After several seconds I had his cock free and thick there between us. I gripped his length in my hand and he moaned into my mouth.
I pulled away from him, but only so I could fall to my knees. I told him that I had wanted to do this to Roger. But that had been a lie. It was Rhett I wanted in my mouth. It was his length I wanted to gag around. Him and only him.
I still couldn’t see his face as I took him to the back of my throat. He groaned as I sucked him down, salty precum dripping on my hungry tongue. But then he pulled back, stepping away, his cock popping out of my mouth.
“Rhett—”
His arms jerked me up off the concrete and spun me around until my back was pressed against the grill of his SUV. The metal dug into my skin, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was Rhett. And I could see him now. His handsome face exposed in the glow of the streetlights.
Where there had once been indecision and pity, there was now overwhelming desire painted on his face. There was no hate, or anger—just need. And I was certain it was the same desperation on my own.
He didn’t say anything as his fingers tangled with the button on the top of my jeans or when they fumbled with my lace panties, wrenching them down my legs. The cold sent goose bumps scattering across my exposed flesh. I jerked one leg out of my pants, and he lifted me up off the ground, hovering my dripping wet center over his stiff cock.
I wanted to watch as he entered me, wanted to take a mental picture that I could remember for eternity, but I didn’t. Instead I looked into Rhett’s eyes. Those green eyes that drove me wild. They looked ethereal illuminated by the dim yellow alley light. Like there was fire burning inside them. A fire that burned only for me. After all the waiting I had done, all the pining—my wait was over.
Rhett slammed into me, filling me to the hilt, stretching me on his thick length. A strangled moan wrenched from my lips. All the while he watched me. I couldn’t look away. He didn’t start out easy or take it slow. He pounded into me. Pressing me hard against the running car at my back. I lifted my hips to meet his. Wanting all of him. I clawed at his shoulders.
“More, Rhett. More!” The strangled words were breathless on my lips.
“Fuck.” He grunted, lifting me higher so he could thrust faster.
I expected my orgasm to be a slow build like it usually was, taking its time coming to the fore, but it came so quickly I didn’t even have time to cry out, the breath catching in my throat as ecstasy bubbled.
Three thrusts later Rhett followed me, grunting, pinning me harder against the car, as if he was going to nail me to the front of it. The hot lash of his cum deep inside my cunt was the most satisfying feeling I’d ever had. And that was saying a lot since I’d spent three years of my life higher than a fucking kite.
He stood there holding me for several moments after it was all over. His arms were trembling from holding my weight, but he still didn’t put me down. He pressed his forehead against mine. His cold sweat, making his forehead slip against my skin. We were both out of breath. My hands still buried in the fabric encasing his shoulders.
There were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him how I felt. That I loved him. Because I did. I fucking loved him. I’d loved him all along—since I was fifteen years old. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to ruin our moment. This moment. It was better than I ever thought it would be. Instead I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. He flinched, pulling back. And when I met his gaze it was back. The pity.
“Faye. Fuck.” He pulled away from me, disentangling himself completely and cramming his softening cock back in his pants. I didn’t miss the way the light hit it just before he put it away. It was wet with my orgasm, with his cum. My feet clattered to the ground as he stepped away from me, my jeans tangled around one foot.
“Wha—”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” Rhett turned around and shoved a green trash can a few
feet away. It toppled over, trash spilling everywhere.
“What the—”
“That shouldn’t have happened.” He looked back at me and there was so much torment. It swirled around with the pity, multiplying like a virus.
“No.” I took a step forward my jeans dragging awkwardly on one foot. “Don’t say that.” Pain ripped through me.
He isn’t saying these things. He isn’t. He can’t be.
“Oh my God, look at you.” He came forward and grabbed me, picking me up as if I was made of glass. As if he hadn’t just fucked the shit out of me.
He put me inside the car on the passenger side and started righting my clothes. Guiding my foot into my jeans as if I was a little child. The whole time he muttered to himself. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. But I could feel his regret. It wafted off him like a stench, making it hard to breathe.
Once he was done he climbed into his side and started driving.
All I could do was stare at him. At his chiseled jaw. He’d been inside me just minutes ago. Just like I had always wanted. And it was perfect until now. Until he ruined it with this. What is this?
“Don’t do this.” The words came out as a sob.
“I shouldn’t have…” He let the words trail off as if he couldn’t bear to finish them.
“Well you did.” Tears spilled over my cheeks. “You fucked me, Rhett. How does that make you feel? How does it feel to know that you just put your dick where hundreds of men have been?” I shouted the words at him while the tears dripped down my face. Rivers of all the things I’d lost. “Where your own father has been.”
I expected him to yell at me. That’s what I wanted. But instead he just looked wrecked, destroyed. Like the whole world was caving in on him. And that was worse.
“I’m sorry, Faye.” The ache in his voice was like a physical slap. Of all the things I wanted from him—his sorrow was the last thing. His pity. His regret. I didn’t want any of them. I wanted his love.
There were a million things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him how he had ruined it. The one thing in life I had coveted. The one thing that was supposed to be beautiful and full of love. But I didn’t say anything. Instead I buried my head in my knees like a child and let the tears fall.
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