Nyssa (Goddess of War Series Book 1)

by Kate Keir

  I sat down heavily on the bed as he said that. “What? No. You can’t mean that. We don’t even know each other,” I whispered. My mind raced, and all I could think of was Astarin.

  “I think that is exactly why you are right for him, Nyssa.” Bernhardt sat next to me and patted my hand. “All of the others, they all came to him willingly enough but they only wanted his status, his title. You on the other hand rebuff him at every turn, and it frustrates him.” He chuckled at that before continuing, “But he respects you for it. He respects the fact that you won’t give yourself to someone for the wrong reasons.”

  Biting my lower lip, my mind, again went back to Astarin. Although I hadn’t seen him since we had slept together, I felt the touch and taste of him as though he were here with me right now.

  “Exactly,” I said. “I won’t give myself to him, because he is wrong for me. He isn’t a good man, Bernhardt. He told me that himself. I want to be with the man that I love.” I caught myself at that.

  Bernhardt looked at me sadly. “No man is truly good, Nyssa. Just as no woman is truly good. If you knew Lord Odyn as I do, then I don’t think you would hate him so readily.”

  That’s just it, I don’t hate him. It was exactly the same as it was with Astarin. I had an image, an idea of Lord Odyn, and then after we talked together, the night I had dinner with him, I realised that he was a good man. I had also realised just how alone he must feel most of the time.

  Bernhardt continued. “Odyn recently told me that he has never had any intention of marrying.”

  I looked at him surprised and said, “But he has to. He needs an heir to cement his claim to the throne.” I had heard the stories. I knew how he needed the promise of a dynasty to follow him in order to keep the throne once he won it.

  “Yes, but Lord Odyn has never had any intention of accepting the crown of Ankh Shdaar, sweet child. He thought that I didn’t know it, but I always did.

  “Then he confirmed to me, just the other day, that the reason he had never married before now was because he had no need for an heir, and I knew that I had to change his mind somehow. Truthfully, I don’t think Odyn believes he will return from this battle. I think that this time he is ready to make the ultimate sacrifice and give his life over for Ankh Shdaar.”

  This news terrified me. If Lord Odyn didn’t take the throne after his victory, then the other four Valhars would surely begin to fight it out again, and all of the lost lives and sacrifices would be for nothing. Peace would be lost before we could even taste it, and if Lord Odyn died out there, I would be devastated, I realised with a start.

  “Then why does he do it? Why does he lead all of these men to their deaths for no reason at all? What’s the point?” I was yelling now, and I felt a little guilty for shouting at this tiny old man but I was just so angry at Lord Odyn. What was he thinking?

  “Calm yourself, child.” Bernhardt reached out to me and patted me on the hand. “He honestly believes that he will not make a good king. He has been fighting since he was a boy, and he has given everything to this country. He believes he can win the war but not the hearts of the people. He does not choose this from malice. He chooses it because he doubts himself and his ability to rule.”

  That surprised me. I wouldn’t have thought Lord Odyn had ever doubted himself in his life.

  But that didn’t explain Bernhardt’s urge to marry Lord Odyn off to me. “I don’t understand why you want him to marry me, Bernhardt. Can’t you just find him another girl to marry? You could even ask her to play hard to get if that’s what he’s after.”

  He laughed a little at that, but I scowled back at him, and he quickly regained his composure and spoke. “Nyssa, for the first time since I have known Odyn, his heart has been captured. Even if he hasn’t realised it yet.”

  I blushed at that.

  “He is a good man, Nyssa, and he has been made better and better by the short time that he has known you. You bring out the best in him, and he is taken with you. I know that if you were to say yes, then he would marry you in a heartbeat, and I truly believe that with you at his side he could rule Ankh Shdaar fairly and justly for his whole lifetime.”

  I dropped my head into my hands. I didn’t want to hear this, not any of it. My mind was still filled with the face of the man who had taken my virginity. The man whose scent still lingered on me and whose touch I could feel like a ghost on my skin. I shook my head and looked at Bernhardt. “And if I refuse to play along with your plan, Bernhardt?”

  He returned my gaze, his eyes looking even more watery than usual as he spoke. “Then I fear Odyn is lost to us, and so too is the future of Ankh Shdaar, sweet girl.”

  Seeing the tears spring to my eyes at his words, Bernhardt continued. “Would you allow me to tell you a story, Nyssa? It’s not a very happy story, and I am sorry for that, but I think it is well that you know it.”

  I wiped my tears and answered him. “What is it about?” I sat up straighter to show him I was prepared to listen to him talk.

  “It’s about a lost and lonely boy called Odyn,” he replied sadly.

  Bernhardt went over to my dresser and poured us both some wine. Then settling himself in one of the chairs, he gestured for me to do the same. So, I sat and listened as he told me the story of Lord Odyn.

  “I have known Astarin for many years now. Since he was three years old in fact. We used to spend our lives wandering Ankh Shdaar together as neither of us truly belonged anywhere. We managed to find enough food and shelter to survive as we went, and Astarin mastered his sword skills and archery at a young age in order to protect us both from danger. Astarin was twelve when we met Odyn. Odyn was sixteen, and they became friends instantly and have been ever since.

  “But Odyn’s tale begins two years before we met him. He was born in Lerwyn.”

  I raised my eyebrows at that. I had had no idea that Lord Odyn came from the same place as Faryn Tarnfell, the man with whom we would be going to war in a few weeks.

  Bernhardt continued. “His father died when Odyn was very young, leaving him and his sister Rose to be looked after by their mother. Rose was two years older than Odyn, and he doted on both her and their mother.

  “Lerwyn was already firmly under the control of Faryn Tarnfell by this time. He was a bloodthirsty Valhar, and he took pleasure in taking the men of Lerwyn in to his service as soldiers. He would ride through the villages, taking the men, or boys he wanted and cutting down the old and unusable men for sport.”

  I frowned at that. This man became more vile to me with every word I heard of him.

  Bernhardt nodded sadly to me. “One fateful day, Faryn Tarnfell rode in to Odyn’s hometown and started one of his rampages. He killed men and allowed his soldiers to take the women and use them as they pleased.”

  I spoke then, interrupting him as my anger spilled over. “He’s disgusting. Those were his own people. The ones he was supposed to protect and the reason he was scouting for men to reinforce his army in the first place. How could he?” I was rapidly realising the complexity of war and the true meaning of being a Valhar. I had never seen a difference between the five Valhars of Ankh Shdaar, but as I compared this man and his acts to Lord Odyn’s reasons for conscripting his soldiers, the difference was startling.

  Bernhardt reached forward and patted my hand gently. “He is a true example of an evil man, sweet child. Nothing good ever came from Faryn Tarnfell.”

  I nodded grimly and he continued his story.

  “When the men reached Odyn’s house, they dragged the three of them out into the street, and Faryn Tarnfell himself took the boy’s mother by the throat, intending to rape her there and then.” He smiled sadly at me. “As you know, our lord is quick to anger, and he is also extremely protective over those who are important to him. Before any of Tarnfell’s men could stop him, Odyn had taken a sword from the belt of a soldier and launched himself at Faryn, attempting to take off his head.”

  I knitted my brows together and said, “If only he had ma
naged it.”

  “Yes.” Bernhardt agreed. “If only he had, child. But the older man saw him coming and knocked the sword from his hand. He was a very experienced warrior by this time, and Odyn was just a fourteen-year-old boy. He did take a gash on his wrist from the impact and that served to make him angry. As his men restrained Odyn, he picked up the sword and ran the boy’s mother through her stomach without a second thought.

  “As she sank to the ground and died before his very eyes, Odyn kicked and hit and screamed at his captors, howling at Faryn Tarnfell. Telling him all the different ways he was going to kill him when he had the chance.”

  I had tears pooling in my eyes by this time. I had no idea of Lord Odyn’s past. No wonder he seemed to me a monster at first. But the story wasn’t over yet, and I had no choice but to listen in horrified silence as Bernhardt continued.

  “Faryn showed no remorse for what he had done. Instead he simply nodded to his men to bring the boy and his sister as they made their way to the town square.

  “When they arrived, Odyn had quietened down. He was watching his sister sobbing silently to herself as she was dragged by two men. He was quiet because he had sensed that his outburst had not done him or Rose any favours, and he was afraid now. When they reached the square, it was filled with Tarnfell’s men. They had all wanted to come along and see how Faryn would punish the upstart who had tried to kill him. Walking up to where the boy stood quietly with tears staining his cheeks, Tarnfell growled at him ‘This is your fault boy. All of it is your fault.’ Then turning from Odyn, he walked to Rose and tore her clothes from her body.

  “She screamed and cried out for her brother, desperately trying to cover her naked body. She was just a child and she must have been so afraid.”

  I wanted him to stop talking, I didn’t want to hear the rest. I couldn’t hear it. I felt bile rise in the back of my throat, and tears flowed freely down my face.

  But Bernhardt didn’t stop, even though his eyes were filled with his own tears. “Faryn had Rose bound to stakes in the ground by her hands and feet, and in front of the watching crowd and her sobbing younger brother, he raped her.

  “He was hard and rough and unforgiving of the fact that he was stealing her maidenhead, and when he was done, and he had left his waste inside her he turned and smiled at Odyn, as he spoke to the crowd. ‘This one is here for all of you, use her as you will.’ The boy howled his rage then and lost himself to a frenzy so great, he managed to fight his way through three soldiers, killing one in the process, before they forced him to the ground and bound him so he couldn’t move. All he could do was watch as they violated her over and over again.” Bernhardt bowed his head, giving himself over to the grief of telling me the horror of what had happened to this man whom he clearly loved as a son before he found the strength to continue.

  “When Odyn finally found the courage and the trust to tell me this story it was years after I first met him. He told me that upwards of fifty men must have raped his sister that day, and he would never be sure if she died after they had finished with her or if she was already dead long before they were done.”

  As Bernhardt stopped talking, I felt myself fall apart completely. I couldn’t imagine what had gone through that poor girl’s mind as she was violated like that. How had Lord Odyn managed to go on living after all that had been done to him and his family? I ran to my bathing chamber and was violently sick in a bowl as the sobs tore through my chest, almost choking me.

  When I returned to Bernhardt, I was pale, and felt weak. Sitting down, I grabbed my wine glass and took a huge gulp, trying to steady the trembling of my body.

  Bernhardt took my hands in his and looked at me sorrowfully. “I am sorry, Nyssa. I don’t share this with you to bring you pain. I am telling you because you should know. You have to know who he is and why he acts the way he does.”

  I nodded. I was glad he had told me. I had just struggled to allow myself to hear what he had to say.

  He finished the story then. “Faryn Tarnfell issued his final punishment by insisting on taking the boy with them back to Castle Lerwyn. For two years, Odyn was kept captive and was trained in the art of war. That was Faryn’s biggest mistake, for he had unwittingly created the warrior who stands against him today. But Odyn was also the boy who everybody liked to hurt. They all knew how Tarnfell felt about him, and he was beaten and broken and abused the whole time they had him. The mental scars he bears match perfectly with the ones he carries on his flesh. Perhaps one day you will see those scars for yourself, Nyssa.

  “Odyn’s spirit is the one thing that no one will ever be able to break, sweet child, and two years after he was captured by Tarnfell, he saw an opportunity to escape, and he took it. It was after his escape that Astarin and I found him wandering fifty miles from Castle Lerwyn. He was dehydrated and starved, his wounds were festering, and he was delirious with a fever. How that child managed to keep moving on foot for fifty miles in that state, I will never know, but I believe that Shyara was with him every step of the way. We healed him physically, and once he was strong again all he would tell us was that he needed to kill Faryn Tarnfell.

  “We didn’t know why at the time, and we were completely taken by surprise when Odyn sauntered his way into the position of Valhar just weeks after we arrived at Castle Kytara. But once he told me the story, it all made sense. He never took this title to be king, Nyssa. All he has ever wanted was to find a way to take his revenge on the man who killed his mother and sister and to protect Ankh Shdaar from his evil. What he wants from this battle is Faryn’s life, and I am certain that he will give his own without a thought if that is what it takes.

  “But Ankh Shdaar needs him, child. He has to return to us and be the king we need. You must persuade him, Nyssa. You must give him a reason to come back. For although he is Keshkana, truly Touched by Death, there is still much for him to do, and I know that she isn’t ready for him just yet.”

  After Bernhardt left me, I sat in silence for hours. The light faded from the day, and the maids came to light my candles and bring my food. But, I couldn’t bear to even lift my head to acknowledge them. My mind ran wild with thoughts and images of what the old man had told me. I understood Lord Odyn so much more than I had before. I knew now that he would never have forced me into his bed, and the very reason he had been so cold when I first went to him was because he knew I didn’t want him, and he wouldn’t do to me what had been done to his sister. The things that he had seen and had been done to him, were enough to break a mortal man and still he fought on day after day. Giving himself completely to the saving of his country and the taste of revenge on the man who had taken his family and almost destroyed him.

  I thought about Bernhardt’s plea for me to give Lord Odyn a reason to come back from war, and I realised that I wanted him to come home. Not just so he could become King of Ankh Shdaar and protect us all from men like Faryn but also because I needed him to come back. I wanted to make amends for the way I had behaved toward him when I hadn’t really understood him. My heart felt as though it were breaking over and over every time I thought of the hate I had felt for him, not knowing truly what he was.

  Of course, my thoughts kept going back to Astarin and our night together. I had to be honest with myself tonight. I decided there was no more time for lies and pretending. I knew that I had fallen in love with him. He had taken my heart when he had taken my virginity, and I loved him fiercely. Yet, there was a spark inside me that had ignited just for Lord Odyn. I thought back to the sadness in his eyes when we spoke of my father. I looked at the fine clothes, untouched on my bed, and I smiled at his inelegant ways of trying to tell me that he liked me, that he respected me. His intentions toward me, although not always clear, were good. He was good, of that I was certain. And nothing in this world would allow me to let him go to battle without the intention of returning to me.

  After I made my decision, I finally felt the urge to eat something, which I did. Then after carefully hanging all of the
beautiful clothes in my wardrobe, I returned to my bed and fell into a deep and restful sleep, worn out by the emotions thrumming through me.

  “Nyssa, Nyssa, Nyssa.” Gidren was bouncing on the end of my bed in total excitement. I opened my eyes and frowned at her as she carried on. “Nyssa, get up. It’s today. The feast is today. You need to get ready.”

  Although everything that Bernhardt had told me last night came flooding back to me and my mind kept turning to Astarin, I still found my excitement and I threw back the covers to join her, laughing at her delighted smile. She was already dressed for the feast. She had on a pale blue gown that hugged her curvy frame, her hair was lifted up into a delicate design that looked like a rose at the back of her neck, and she looked lovely because she was glowing with happiness.

  Gidren must have been here for a while, I thought as I walked in to my bathing chamber and found my bath already run. It smelled amazing today, a mixture of fragrant flowers and fruity scents. As I ducked into the warmth of the water Gidren called out to me. “We need to find you something to wear.”

  I pushed my head back out of the water far enough to call back, “No we don’t, it’s already in my wardrobe.” I waited until she opened the door, listening for her reaction. I wasn’t disappointed.

  She ran into the bathing chamber, squealing with delight. “Oh Goddess, Nyssa. You will look like a queen. Did Lord Odyn send them to you?”

  I nodded at her. “Yes, he has been very kind to me, Gidren.”

  She sat in a puddle-shape made by her skirts, next to my bath as she spoke. “Nyssa, I think he may intend to marry you. He has never dressed a mistress so finely before. Come to think of it he has never held a feast before. I think today is all about you.” She beamed.

  You really have no idea, Gidren, I thought to myself as I finished getting clean and then stepped out of the water.