Nyssa (Goddess of War Series Book 1)

by Kate Keir

  “Shyara, Goddess, hear me please. I have never asked for anything except that you took care of my father after you took him for your realm. I only beseech you now, good lady, because I need you to help them, for if they fail then all of Ankh Shdaar is lost, maybe forever. I love them both, Goddess, and although I have no idea why, they love me back. If I were to lose either of them, I don’t know that my heart could bear the pain. I have reasons for why I can’t choose between them, and those same reasons are why I can’t think what will happen if one of them does not return to me. I know that I can’t keep them both forever. I know I will have to choose one day, but I can’t live a single day in a world where neither Astarin or Odyn are no longer in it.”

  I was so scared that she would think me selfish for asking for two lives rather than one. I continued as I thought a queen would pray, trying to live up to Odyn’s expectations. “Goddess, please watch over each and every man of our army. The young, old, strong, and weak. Help them to be brave and help them to face the horrors of this final battle with the faces of the ones they love within their hearts. Anything that you ask of me in return, I will give to you if it is within my power as a mortal. I would give my life without thought if I thought that it could stop this war now, before the bloodshed begins. Goddess, I ask this of you, not just for myself but for the whole of Ankh Shdaar. Blessed be.”

  After I finished my prayer, the light-headedness seemed to have passed. I stood up and looked around my chamber. Being there didn’t feel right. It felt lonely and I felt as though they were already a thousand miles away from me. Making a sudden decision, I grabbed the handle of my door and left my chamber, making my way down the corridor toward Odyn’s red and black gilt doors. When I arrived, there were no guards. Only a few men had been left behind to defend Castle Kytara and its people, and they were all at the castle walls. In reality, it was pointless leaving any guards behind. If Faryn Tarnfell was victorious, his army would take us apart in minutes. But Odyn had insisted all the same.

  When I pushed the huge doors open, I was surprised at how heavy they were. I had to throw almost all of my weight against them to get them to move. The guards had always made it look so easy. When I got into the room, I immediately noticed the absence of the chocolate spice scent in the air. The burners had been extinguished as had the candles, so the room was dark and had lost the warmth I remembered from my previous visits. I carefully made my way around the room, lighting the candles and the burners, and by the time I had finished, it had started to feel more familiar to me.

  I didn’t seek Odyn’s room above Astarin’s for any other reason than, I had never been to Astarin’s chamber and it would hold no memories for me. This room was where I could remember my first face-to-face encounter with Odyn, when he knew I was not my brother. It was where Astarin had desperately tried to hide my identity and protect me from the man I thought a monster but who actually meant more to me with every passing day. As I inhaled deeply of the scent of the burners, I felt myself starting to relax a little. I pulled off my riding gown—there had been no time to change today—and I crawled into his bed. I wrapped myself in the covers and buried my face in his pillows. Exhausted and achingly sad, I slept.

  I awoke to hear my name being called and someone roughly shaking me by my shoulders. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn’t remember why I didn’t want to be awake, but I knew I didn’t. I had to avoid it at all costs.

  “Nyssa, wake up.” Gidren yelled in my ear.

  As my eyes flew open, it all came flooding back. Sitting up, I chided her. “I was sleeping, I don’t have to think when I’m sleeping.” I pushed the tangles of my hair away from my face and frowned at her sulkily.

  “Nyssa, I’m sorry but I was so worried about you. We all were. You just disappeared after they left. When you weren’t in your own chamber, I had no idea what had happened to you and I was so worried.”

  “I’m sorry, Gidren. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I realised then I should have told somebody where I was.

  She looked at me sadly. “You just wanted to be close to him, didn’t you? I understand. I feel the same way about Kip.”

  I cringed a little, every time someone mentioned Odyn to me as though we were a couple now. I felt torn apart by guilt for Astarin. We had been together. We had spent the night with each other and I loved him, yet I kept him a secret from everyone. Even my new-found friend. “Gidren, it’s time I told you something, but you have to promise to keep it a secret. Even from Kip.” I suddenly found myself saying.

  She looked at me with wide eyes and nodded with absolute sincerity. So, I trusted her, my new best friend, and I told her everything.

  I sat back after I finished telling her my story, from start to finish and she had tears in her eyes as she spoke. “Oh, Nyssa, what will you do? How will you decide between them? They are both good men. I admit, Lord Odyn does frighten me, but I still think he is kind. He was the one who agreed to let me stay here after everything that happened to me.”

  I shook my head at her. I felt a million times better for telling someone the whole story, but still it didn’t help me in my dilemma. “Truthfully, Gidren, I have no idea. I keep wishing for the next few weeks or months to be over so I can have them both back safely. But then what I will do after that? I just don’t know.”

  We were finally discovered then, as a knock sounded at the door and a maid respectfully entered saying, “My Lady, I’m sorry to intrude, but I thought you might be hungry, and we have arranged some food and wine.”

  I realised as they began bringing the food in that I was actually starving. Turning to my confidant sitting next to me on the bed, I said, “Will you stay and eat with me?”

  She smiled back at me. “Of course I will.” So, we ate and drank and shared stories together, and I wondered at how the maids never even flinched at finding me in Odyn’s chamber. I was also no longer called “mistress.” Instead I had somehow become ‘my lady.’ I said a silent prayer to my Valhar then. “Odyn, you have to win this war, if Faryn Tarnfell comes to Kytara then nobody can deny what we mean to each other any longer, and I am done for.”

  Odyn

  Leaving her had been harder than he could have imagined. He had wanted to say so much more to her before they left. He had wanted to grab hold of her in front of everyone—the crowd of well-wishers, his lieutenants, and his General—and kiss her hard and deep, showing them that she was his, that when he returned she would be his queen. But was she his? he asked himself. He had known that there was something between her and Ast. When he saw them on the balcony together he hadn’t been surprised at all by it. Jealous, yes, a little. But now he was certain that she loved Astarin, the look in her eyes when she spoke to him, or even just found his face in the crowd, told Odyn that she had fallen in love with his brother.

  His thoughts kept stealing back to his little goddess as he rode his destrier along the road that would lead them north and to the hill he and Ast had chosen to be the meeting place for their final battle. The battle where he would end Faryn Tarnfell’s life no matter what it took. Although he had promised Nyssa he would return to her, he had also sworn to himself he wouldn’t let that bastard within a hundred miles of her. Her safety and the safety of his people would come above all else in the heat of the battle. If it meant he had to give his life to see it done then he would, without question. He had spent the last almost twenty years not expecting to return home again when he rode out to fight, and he knew he only had so many chances.

  He didn’t like the thought, just because it meant that he wouldn’t get to see his little goddess again, and he did want to keep his promise to her. She had seen enough loss in her life, and he knew she would be devastated if either he or Astarin didn’t make it back to Castle Kytara. He had felt the truth of her words at her father’s grave. She’d meant it when she said, “I love you,” and he had meant it too. For the first time in all his years, he actually felt that he could step up and become king, do the last ri
ght thing for Ankh Shdaar. As long as she stood next to him as his queen, then he could rule and rule well. Her purity and forgiving nature would temper his furies and ruthlessness perfectly.

  But the irony was, he now had more reason than ever to make sure that Faryn Tarnfell died in this battle. So, he would accept losing his own life and never returning to everything he held dear, as long as he died knowing he was protecting those very same things that he cherished. He also knew that if he was to die this time around, or even if he didn’t, he had to make sure that Ast got back to her. It would tear her apart to lose one of them, but losing both of them would be the end of her, he knew. His final promise to himself was that he would make sure that his brother survived this war and went back to give her everything that she deserved.

  As he rode next to Ast, he glanced over at him and smiled grimly. “One of us has to get home to her, brother.”

  The other man looked surprised for a brief moment and then returned the smile Odyn offered him. “I know. She couldn’t cope with losing two people she loves. It might just kill her too.”

  They relaxed in to an easy gait, their horses loping along next to each other, all of them conserving their energy for the coming battle. “Do you really believe she loves us both, Ast?” Odyn asked sadly.

  “Yes, I told her I knew it. But I think she has realised it for herself now too.” The other man replied.

  Odyn nodded at that. He felt strangely satisfied to know that Astarin thought that she loved them both too. His next question was not one he had intended asking his brother, but it tripped off his tongue before he could catch it. “Who do you think she will choose? If the Goddess lets us both away from battle again?”

  Astarin

  All Astarin had been thinking about on the arduous journey was Nyssa. But Odyn’s question still took him entirely by surprise. He had never known Odyn to care for a woman before. Mainly, Astarin thought because the Valhar knew that a woman who was loved, was a chink in a man’s armour. A way of hurting him or persuading him to concede where he may otherwise have not. In short, he remembered the way Tarnfell had killed the two women he loved to bring him to heel. But when he asked who Astarin thought she would choose, it was obvious that he truly did love her. He was unsure of himself. Something Odyn was unused to being when it came to women.

  “Honestly, brother,” Astarin answered him now. “I have no idea. She’s an unusual woman, as I told her once. She’s wild and unpredictable. But, also loving and loyal. I think if you asked her the same question, she wouldn’t be able to answer it for a long while yet.”

  Odyn looked like that was the exact answer he’d expected, and he also looked a little disappointed, Astarin thought. “Don’t be disheartened, brother. It’s likely at least one of us won’t be coming back from this, so perhaps she won’t have to decide.” Astarin smiled and raised his eyebrows as he spoke.

  Odyn grimaced and guided his horse close enough to grab Astarin’s arm in their familiar brotherly grasp. “I love you, brother, and I will send you home to her.”

  “I love you, too, brother, but I’m not letting you claim hero status while I run home with my tail between my legs. I’m General fucking Roeseer, and I’m seeing this thing through ’til the end.”

  Odyn laughed aloud and Astarin joined him. The men closest to them gave them sideways glances, and Astarin thought they looked a little unnerved by their Valhar and General making jokes while war lurked just over the next horizon.

  He turned his thoughts back to Nyssa then, remembering the night, they had spent together. She had been so beautiful. Her pale, naked body was soft to the touch and yet firm in all of the right places. She had been so willing, so excited by him, arching in to his touch and responding to every little thing he did. Thinking back to her gasp of pleasure as she felt him inside her made him shiver with satisfaction. Everything about their night had been perfect, and if he had one wish in the world it would be that he could re-live it over and over again until he died.

  Just like Odyn, he had never allowed himself to get truly close to a woman, although he’d fucked plenty. His reasons were a little different to Odyn’s, though. He had always known that he would likely die in battle one day, and he had decided long ago that he would never allow a woman to mourn him. It was unfair to take a wife and die before your time, leaving her a widow and possibly leaving children behind without a father. That was why he had told Nyssa that he would ask her to marry him when he returned. He didn’t even want her promise until he had survived this war and come home. He wouldn’t do it to her. She deserved more.

  He laughed softly as he thought of the situation between the three of them. I love you, Odyn, he thought to himself. But I love this woman more than life, and I will ask her to marry me when we get home even if it makes you angry enough to try to kill me. His mind had just started to wander back to the image of her sleeping next to him as he watched her and played with her silken, copper hair, when a shout rang out from one of their outriders who was tearing toward them at speed on his mount.

  He and Odyn both turned toward the sound, instantly snapping out of their separate reveries. The rider was frantically trying to tell them something, but he didn’t need to. They could see for themselves. What he was trying to tell them was that Faryn Tarnfell had known they were watching him, and he had put his own plan in to place. They still had thirty miles to go until they reached the location they had chosen to provide them with the upper hand in battle.

  Yet on the horizon now, they could suddenly see thousands and thousands of green and beige clothed riders and infantry pouring over the top of the hill.

  Odyn’s face turned thunderous. “The bastard tricked us, Ast.”

  Astarin couldn’t believe they had allowed themselves to be caught out. Their army was now at the foot of a hill, and Tarnfell’s men had the exact upper hand that Odyn and Astarin had hoped to gain for themselves. Astarin turned his horse toward the advancing force and growled back to Odyn. “It looks like we fight sooner, rather than later, brother.”

  Nyssa

  Word passed around the castle quickly. Before long everyone knew if they were looking for me, I could be found in Odyn’s chambers. Gidren spent all of her free time with me, and Bernhardt also came to visit me regularly. The first time he came by, he had beamed at me and said, “You look well here sweet child. These chambers become you.” I had rolled my eyes at him and smiled as I replied, “I promised to bring him home, Bernhardt. Not to marry him.” I just couldn’t bring myself to explain to this man why I was so indecisive. He loved Odyn and Astarin as though they were his sons. I was pretty sure he would hate me if he knew I may be responsible for setting them against each other in the future.

  Four long weeks had passed since the soldiers had left Castle Kytara under the banner of Lord Odyn Rygard. It was daybreak, and I stood on his balcony as was my custom every morning and every evening. I spent every day waiting, and there was no better place to do it than here. The birdsong kept me company, and the warmth of the sunlight helped to take the chill from my body as I thought over and over about what they were doing. Were they fighting right now? Were they winning? Was Faryn Tarnfell dead yet? Gidren was busy in the kitchens today, and so I was left entirely alone with my thoughts.

  I had written a note and dispatched it with a rider to Lyte Harbour. It was past time I told my mother and brother I was okay. They would be hearing reports of the battle between Kytara and Heryn and Lerwyn’s forces. For all they knew, I was in the thick of it, still acting as Haydyn, and they would be so worried. I wanted to go back to them, to hold them and love them and tell them that I was all right, but I couldn’t leave the Capital. Not now. I would wait here until I knew for sure that both Astarin and Odyn were safely returned. Then after that, I didn’t know what I would do. So, I reasoned that a letter would be good enough for now. The truth of my situation here was too complex to put in writing, so I had simply told them I was well treated and working at the castle as a maid.


  A knock at the door made me turn. It was early for visitors, I thought as I called out, “Come in.” As the door opened, Bernhardt’s wizened face appeared. He was carrying a bow and a quiver of arrows. It was the most exquisite bow I had ever seen. It was made of a type of silver wood which caught the sunlight and glittered. It wasn’t a man’s bow. It was too small and delicate. It was a similar size to the one I had at home, and the arrows in the quiver were short enough to match my draw length exactly.

  He handed the bow over to me and smiled as I approvingly felt the lightness of it in my hands. It was as though it was made for me. The balance, the curve of the wood beneath my fingers, and the tension of the string made it feel like perfection in my hands.

  “It is a gift for you, Nyssa.” He grinned at me as I looked at him in wonder.

  For the first time in over a month, I was ever so slightly distracted from my worry. “From you?” I asked him.

  “Yes, sweet child. I saw you with Morden’s bow, and although it was too powerful for you, I could tell you knew how to handle it. So, I commissioned this from our armoury. It will suit you better I think.”

  I blushed as he told me that. If he had seen me with the bow, then he had almost certainly seen Astarin with his arms wrapped around me as I took my second shot. I wondered if this clever, old man knew more about what was happening between the three of us than he let on.

  As if he read my mind, he spoke again. “Nyssa, you are beloved of so many people here since you arrived such a short while ago. The castle staff adore you, Gidren most of all, and the common folk on the streets of the Capital already call you Queen Nyssa in anticipation of your wedding when Odyn returns.”

  I bowed my head and focused on studying the beauty of the bow. I didn’t want to hear this right now. I couldn’t decide what I would do until they had both returned to me.