Holding Onto Hope

by L. Grubb

  “Sorry. I’ve never really had a relationship.” I shrug as if it’s no biggy but really, I would love to know what it feels like to be cared for, loved, to feel the sizzle and passion, but the only girls I ever come across are the club whores or the brothers’ family. “I don’t really encounter woman who have morals if you catch my drift.”

  “Ah, club whores. Gotcha.” Her brows furrow and she again licks her fucking lips. I swear, if she doesn’t stop doing that, I won’t be held accountable for my actions. “Why?”

  “Too busy? I don’t know. I guess there was one girl back in the day before this club, before the army, and she tore my heart to shreds and fed it to her Yorkshire terrier. Though that was a long time ago, I guess my heart is still a little bruised.” Urgh, saying this all out loud makes me feel like a right fucking pussy. “Enough emotional bullshit for one day I think. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.” I send Hope a wink and stand, my back clicking in protest and I groan. “I’m getting old.”

  “Oh, shut up. You’re not old.” Her eyes scan my body and I can see them glinting against the lamp light. “Definitely not old.” That came from her mouth in a whisper and I smirk.

  “I’ll take that as a compliment, babe.” I bend and place a soft kiss to her cheek. My skin tingles with sharp electric shocks and I fight to keep it at just a light kiss instead of mauling her like a damn caveman. “You can leave this room now. Whenever you please.”

  She lifts her head and gives me a shy smile. The rose colour on her cheeks haven’t gone amiss and I feel like pumping my chest out. Instead, I turn on my heel and haul my arse out of there before I do something I won’t regret. My dick is hard against the zipper of my jeans and it’s extremely uncomfortable.

  “Mack?” Her soft voice, like a lullaby, floats across the room to me just before I pull down the handle of the door to leave.

  “Yeah?” I turn my head to side to show I’m listening.

  “Thank you for opening up for me. You didn’t have to. Especially as you don’t know me.” Her words hit me in the chest and I swallow hard.

  “I know I didn’t. But I know more about you than you think, Hope. Your father spoke highly of you. It’s all he ever talked about.” With that, I walk out and close the door softly behind me. I hang my head and take some deep breaths, thinking of old grannies and fat men to rid myself of this hard-on. The imagery certainly does the trick and my cock softens into a more comfortable position.

  I bite my lip, debating what to do next. I need to get rid of Pike for the night so Hope can have some freedom. There’s no way in hell she’s galivanting around while he’s about.

  Heading to my office, I send a quick text to Ranger to meet me in my office immediately. We need to plan. I need to keep Hope safe.

  Hope

  Three hours ago, I finally ventured out from the relative safety of the library and joined Amo at the bar for a drink. Okay, I said one drink, but I’ve had four vodka cokes and three shots of tequila. I can still feel the burn from those darn shots, but my body has finally relaxed, and my mind is mush. I’m tipsy and I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying Amo’s company too. She’s told me about her past, of losing her parents at the age for four and having to go live with her grandparents in Leeds who were religious nuts on a whole new level. They made her life hell. She didn’t speak a word until she was sixteen and ran away to London to start a new life. She told me she was on the streets until she was eighteen and the council association finally gave her a one-bedroom flat. Amo said she was terrified of the area she was in but grateful to have a roof over her head when so many other young people were occupying the doorways of local establishments for a bit of shelter.

  “You’ve been through so much but you’re definitely a tough cookie. How do you cope with it in your mind?” I ask, curious as to how she can be damaged on the inside but on the outside, she’s hard as nails. She has a rough edge to her whole demeanour, and always seems to be on guard though I know she trusts these guys with her life.

  Amo shrugs, her lips tight and her eyes glint with some emotion I can’t read. “I don’t think I’ve ever really dealt with it, if I’m honest with you, Hope.” Her dramatic sigh tells me that she hasn’t; she’s still suffering with the demons of her past. “The thoughts are always there, even at the edges of my brain. But these guys, and my husband, Trip, have helped me build a better life. I learnt self defence when I first moved here, plus, I get to boss the shit out of the club whores. That makes me feel fucking good, I tell ya. They’re forever trying to push up on my man and I’m not taking that lying down.”

  I laugh, the change in subject barely registers in my head, the alcohol fuzzing my thoughts but still, I have to ask, “How did you come to join this place.” I wave a hand around the room, filled with guys in leather cuts with the Crusaders logo loud and proud on their backs.

  “An incident happened in Edmonton, I was held up against a wall by some punk with a kitchen knife, trying to mug me of my bag and phone. I refused, like I’d ever give into that shit. I kneed him in the balls and punched him square in the face.” She half-smiles at the memory; a proud moment for her. “Ranger happened to see what happened and came over to talk to me, invited me here to a party. Trip was the first one to come and speak to me. He made me feel safe, special in fact. He’s always been a charmer that one.”

  “Love at first sight, eh?” I waggled my brows at her and she throws her head back, laughing raucously at me.

  “Not quite. I was wary of course. Being on the streets, rough childhood, makes you suspicious of everyone that comes along your path. Trip and I have a rough start, I was stubborn, argumentative, and bratty. But he stuck by me, pursuing me like no man ever has. That man is nothing if not determined.” Amo smiles wistfully at her pleasant memories of her husband. Jealousy swirls in my gut, I would do anything for a relationship like that. “Hope? Are you okay?”

  “Huh? Yeah, of course. Why?” I frown at Amo as she gives me some weird look. “Do I have something on my face?”

  “No. You just looked… I don’t know, lost in that head of yours,” she says, her eyes staring at me. “Here’s some advice, don’t listen to the little voices in your head. You’re in charge of your life, no one else. Just keep telling yourself that you’re safe. Some people aren’t as lucky as us; to have people care enough to look. I’m always here if you need a chit chat. I don’t have any friends who are girls and it would be nice just to be able to speak to a woman for once.” She rubs my forearm in a gentle caress, one that tells me she really will be there for me if I need her.

  Tears well in my eyes, her kind words are music to my ears. She’s right though, I need to focus on the present instead of being stuck in the past. Amo has had it so much worse than me, I shouldn’t complain at all. What I’ve been through doesn’t even come close to Amo’s life experience.

  “Don’t worry. I think I’ll be okay.” I give her a small tilt of my mouth in what I hope is a convincing smile. If I’m honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. How do you come back from your own dad betraying you? How do you come back from being kidnapped in broad daylight and taken to a place full of sleaze balls and blatant sociopaths?

  “You will be, trust me.” She throws me a wink before ordering another round of shots. I swear, I can usually drink shit loads before I can get drunk, I can usually outdrink most men, but Amo is hardcore. It looks like the booze isn’t even affecting her in the slightest, yet I bet, if I stood up from this bar stool right now, I’d probably topple straight onto my arse and make a complete tit out of myself. “Bottoms up, sweet cheeks.”

  I take a deep breath before I down the tequila shot. My eyes water, throat burning, and I physically cringe at the burn coming from my stomach. I don’t think I can take one more shot and I wave my hand in front of myself. “No more shots. I swear, if I drink one more tequila shot, my stomach is going to disintegrate. The stuff is evil.”

  Amo laughs, slapping down her hand on the bar. “Girl, you
just can’t take your alcohol.”

  “Hey, I can too! I can usually drink fully grown men under the table. Just not tequila.” I have to fight back the hot bile rising in my throat. “That shits giving me heartburn from hell.”

  “Ladies,” Mack says from behind us. I jump so hard that I fall off my stool and land with a thud on the wooden flooring. “Hope?” I burst out laughing and just lie there. “How much has she had to drink?”

  “Just a couple. Complete lightweight this one,” Amo manages to say between giggles.

  “Now you just wait a minute, missy, you kept feeding me tequila shots. Those fuckers are plain evil.” I point a finger at her and try my best at a glare but probably looks like I’m straining on the toilet. “And don’t you deny it. There’s witnesses, ya know.”

  Mack and Amo are both laughing so hard that I’m pretty sure they’re going to piss themselves. I try holding in my laughter but it’s impossible and I snort so loud that the whole room goes silent and I slap a hand over my mouth. This only makes the pair of them laugh harder. “Can someone help my drunken arse up please?”

  Once Mack has recovered and in control of himself, he bends down and lifts me from under my arms. He let’s go once I’m upright but that was an awful idea on his part as I wobble then almost topple over, but he catches me. “Ah, my knight in shining armour.”

  “Damn, she really is wasted,” I hear Amo say from behind Mack. “But it was a fucking good night. You, Hope, are so much fun.” We high-five over Mack’s shoulder and whoop into the air.

  “Right, time for bed, pisshead.” Mack wraps an arm around my waist and I sling an arm over his shoulders.

  “Ya know, you’re pretty darn cute. Did you know that?” I’m not sure he understood a word I just said, even though I tried my best to say it without slurring.

  “Cute?” Mack angles his head down, raising an eyebrow at me. “Sweetheart, I’m not fucking cute. I’m all man… hard edges and muscles. Cute doesn’t describe me.” A smirk lifts the corner of his mouth and even though I’m seeing double and everything is spinning, he’s still as hot as the first time I saw him.

  “Okay, fine, you’re hot. Happy?” I flutter my lashes and smile coyly. I’m sure that’s just boosted his ego. In fact, I know it has judging by the proud look on his face. Men are just too predictable.

  “Very.” Mack winks at me and guides me down the hallway towards his room.

  I just roll my eyes and concentrate on trying to put one foot in front of the other; I have to shut an eye because with both, I’m seeing four of my own feet instead of just the two God graced me with.

  Chuckling lightly, he suddenly lifts me in his arms; one arm supporting my legs and the other under my back. Well, this is certainly easier but the motion of being lifted too quickly makes my stomach churn.

  Reaching the room, he opens the plain wooden door and places me down. I rush to his bathroom and dive for the toilet, reaching it just in time. One second later and I would have redecorated the entire bathroom with tequila shots and vodka-cokes. This isn’t my best look at all, especially when there’s an extremely hot guy holding back my hair while I deposit the alcohol into the toilet.

  “Damn, Amo really fucked you up, didn’t she? Are you okay?” The concern is comforting but it doesn’t stop the embarrassment creeping up my neck or the pure shame keeping me from getting up off the floor and staring at Mack in the face. “Hope?” He rubs my back in gentle circles, leaning over to try and see my face; I’m guessing.

  “I…I’m fine. Help me up, big guy.” I brush off my unease with smartarse comments, it’s always helped me in the past. “Sorry.”

  “What for? You had a good time and let your hair down, you deserve that more than anyone I know. No need to apologise.” He smiles down at me and flicks a loose hair away from my sweaty face. “This isn’t my first rodeo with holding a girl’s hair back while they spew into the toilet.”

  “I’m not?” I don’t really want to think about his past woman. Hell, I can’t date the guy anyway. He’s dangerous. They all are really. Under his kind heart, caring manner and hot body is a man that’s capable of killing anyone who does him wrong. I’m no stranger to the MC life and although I’ve never been privy to the ins and outs of club shit, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my suspicions.

  “No. Amo has been in that situation more times than I care to remember. She was a mess before Trip scooped her up and claimed her. I stood in to help, even though Ranger was the one that brought her here. He doesn’t particularly like sick.”

  I sigh. “After everything Amo has been through in her life, I’m not surprised she let herself go a bit. I really have fuck all to complain about compared to her.” I chew my bottom lip, my throat burns, and my eyes turn watery. Yep, I’m also an emotional drunk. Just kill me now and bury me far, far, away from here.

  “She told you all her shit?” He raises his eyebrows at me as he leads me to the bed. “I don’t think she’s ever really told anyone except her old man, me and Ranger. She must really like, and trust, you.” A smile creeps onto his face and it makes him seem a lot younger than I suspect he is. The lines marring his face tell me he’s not had it easy, but he also has laughter lines that make him seem less… fierce and more approachable.

  I sit on the edge of the bed, wringing my hands in my lap. “I suspect you’ve not had it easy either, Mack. Yet, here I am after being kidnapped and being made to strip for a bunch of sleazy men…” I don’t finish what I’m about to say and instead I hang my head, resting my chin on my chest.

  “I’ve got skeletons in my closet too, Hope. You’re right. But that’s not all you’ve been through, is it?” He pauses, waiting for a reaction from me. I lift my head, my eyes finding his as he continues, “Your dad betrayed you in the worst possible way, you live in a ramshackle of a house. I’ve seen it and it’s falling apart at the seams. The guys I’ve had following you also told me you had men in uniform and clipboards knocking your door quite aggressively too. Are they debt collectors or what?” I give him a slight nod, shame making my face heat up. “Your mum was a drunk and ran away with some younger bloke, abandoning you. She came back years later and expected you to take care of her while she was dying with cancer, and you did. See, you’ve been through as much shit as the rest of us. You can’t be strong all the time, Hope.”

  Tears are now streaming down my face as my past, and present, are laid out in front of me like dirty laundry. “The debt collectors? My mum had a lot of debt, when she died and as they were still outstanding, it was placed on my shoulders to pay it back. Working as a carer doesn’t pay all that well and so I’ve been dodging them. I can barely keep a roof over my head at the moment.” At that moment, I break down into horrendous, unladylike sobs and my hands cover my face.

  I feel Mack’s arm come around my back and his hand comes to rest on my shoulder before pulling me to him. My head lands on his solid chest but my hands remain in front of my face. I hate crying, absolutely hate it, but in this moment, right now, with Mack next to me, I can’t seem to help it. Am I feeling a false sense of security? Or am I really safe, protected, in this place? I pray for the latter.

  Mack

  Hope’s shoulders shake against my side and my heart breaks for her. No one should have to deal with the shit that’s been thrown at her, same goes for Amo. Why do people treat women with such disrespect? Even the club whores here get treated with more respect than Amo and Hope. Life is shit. I’ve always known that.

  When you’re young, going through school, you get taught all this random crap that you’ll probably never use in the real world when you’re a fully-fledged adult, but they don’t teach you the hardships, money woes, aggressive people… no, they don’t teach you the bad things in life. People are expected to just say ‘fuck it’ and go along with the flow until they find themselves in deep fucking shit.

  “Hope?” I whisper into her hair, which smells of strawberries and cream. “Don’t be ashamed of who are or where you�
�ve come from. Remember, we can only try our best in life. I know this is easy to say but hard to do, but you can beat the shit out of life, shove the middle finger up in the air and scream ‘fuck you, I’ve got this’. You’ll get there, and you have this club to help you, Hope. If you want it, of course.” My hand rubs gentle circles over her shoulder and her sobbing calms down and soon all you can hear in the room is her sniffing. “We got your back, babe.”

  Her head comes up slightly, her hands moving to her lap. “Do you really mean that? I mean, helping me? I’m not a charity case, Mack. I’ve come this far on my own, but there’s only so much one can take. I don’t have any real friends. Okay, maybe Angelika from work and Davies who I’ve known since childhood, but they have lives and families now. It feels like I’ve been left behind.” She trails off, swallowing and wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I’m sorry, you don’t need me rambling on.” She waves a hand dismissively and sits up straighter. “My life maybe shit, but I’m still young.” I think the alcohol has long worn off for Hope and I can see the tiredness seeping in.

  “There’s only one problem with having the Crusaders help you and protect you,” I say, dreading having to tell her this.

  “What’s that?” She turns her head and her watery blue eyes meet mine.

  “You have to be claimed.” I watch as her face falls, mouth downturned and eyebrows knitted together.

  “Oh.” That’s all she says, and I can practically feel the tension and worry seeping through her bones. “Well, that’s never going to happen. Thanks for the thought though, Mack. You’ve already been so good to me.”

  “Hold up, I’m not finished.” I pull my arm away and lift her chin with my thumb. “I can claim you. You don’t have to be with me physically but I can put it to Church so everyone thinks we are together. That way, the Crusaders, in any city or country, will protect you until their dying breath.” She goes to open her mouth, but I put a finger to her lips to keep her quiet. “You don’t have to answer right now. Think about it and let me know.” Smiling, I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “Right now, it’s time for you to get some sleep. No offense, babe, but you look like utter shit.”