Kiss List (The List Series)

by Abilene, J. S.

  “That’s disgusting Payton,” Alyssa said. “Right Sadie? Sadie? Uh, Sadie?”

  “Oh yeah, totally,” I said. Payton’s suggestion had started my imagination running wild and it was a tad difficult to reign it in. “Completely disgusting.”

  My phone started to vibrate on the lunchroom table. I flipped it over and opened an incoming text message. My eyebrows climbed up my forehead when I saw who it was from.

  “Meet me rite now in the east gym. Ive got something u want.” It read. The message came from Doug.

  “You’re going to finish up with Ryan now, right?” Olivia was saying. “Aaron wasn’t on the schedule yet. You’re supposed to learn more about Ryan.”

  “Yeah,” I said absentmindedly. “I’m going to his concert tonight. It’ll happen. Sorry, I’ve got to pick something up now. Excuse me.”

  As I walked to the east gym I wondered what could Doug possibly have to offer me. He had already ambushed me and made me look like a fool. Was this just a trick? If so, he had another thing coming. I might have been naïve but I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t going to let Doug hurt me again.

  I half expected to see Missy and her gang of sycophants when I arrived at the gym but instead it was just Doug. I glared at him. “What’s going on, Doug,” I demanded. “Why am I here?”

  “Look, just listen to me,” Doug said. “I messed up. I know that, okay? I sold out to the popular crowd in exchange for their poisoned fruit.”

  I folded my arms and looked him over. This wasn’t an act; he seemed genuinely remorseful. Something had gone wrong. “I take it the job at the photography studio wasn’t everything you hoped for?” I asked.

  Doug shook his head. “They fired me after one week,” he said. “Claimed they could smell weed on me, which is ridiculous. It was a crappy job anyway. Who wants to spend their lives taking pictures of crying babies?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am. It sounds like Missy was the only one who gained something from our encounter.”

  “That’s what I want to fix,” Doug said. He held out a flash drive to me.

  “What’s this?” I asked.

  “It’s the photos of Graham and the kissing competition,” Doug said. “Take it. Missy will be embarrassed if photos of her boyfriend kissing a ton of other girls get out.”

  I hesitated. I wanted to take it – I did – but something held me back. Missy had been horrible to me. She certainly deserved this and more. I kept thinking, however, about the downward spiral of revenge that we had all become trapped in. If I did this the spiral would continue to bring us down to new lows. I shook my head. It was time to end it. “No,” I said. “I don’t want it. I don’t want anything more to do with Missy.”

  “Come on,” Doug said skeptically. “How could you not want revenge on her? Just take it. If you don’t want it now you will in the future.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I said. “I’m not taking it.”

  “Okay,” Doug said. “Well, I’m just going to leave it here on the gym floor. I sure hope no one else comes along and opens it up on a computer.” He put the flash drive on the floor and walked away

  I stared at it for a minute, hating Doug. Finally, I reached down and put it in my pocket. I couldn’t very well just leave it there. When I passed the garbage on my way out, however, I just couldn’t seem to be able to throw it out. I resolved to take it home and keep it until I could find some time to destroy it properly.

  That night was Ryan’s band concert. I hadn’t been to a band concert since I played the clarinet in middle school and wasn’t sure what the proper attire was. I called Olivia and she told me to dress up so I put on a pretty navy dress that I had bought a year ago for a cousin’s wedding.

  Olivia, of course, wouldn't go to the concert with me for fear of being implicated in my kiss-then-run plan so I was all on my own. Everyone else who arrived at the school auditorium seemed to be with someone. Most were parents though grandparents and siblings were clearly in attendance as well. I felt lonely and uncomfortable around them all. They had come out of love for their family members in the band while I was just there to hook up with a boy. The thought made me feel dirty.

  I wasn’t sure what to expect when the bands started playing – maybe some marching band and peppy tunes. Instead, the band covered a wide range of music. I was pleasantly surprised. By the time intermission arrived, I had heard music ranging from classical to rock. The choir also performed in between band songs but it was band that I really enjoyed. I picked out Ryan almost immediately. He looked so at ease with his music that I couldn’t help but think about how he played at the park.

  After intermission, however, was when Ryan really shone. During a classical composition he had a tenor saxophone solo. I listened in awe to his masterful talent. Then during a jazz number he had a chance to improvise on the spot in front of everyone. It was breathtaking. I half expected to see a woman in a suit walk onto the stage and announce that he had been accepted to a premiere music program, invited to play for the president, or something else significant enough to acknowledge his awesome skill. How could people like this actually exist in my own community? I felt like Ryan should be famous.

  After the concert I waited as people who appeared to be Ryan’s parents and grandparents congratulated him. After they had walked away I approached to add my own congratulations.

  “Sadie!” Ryan exclaimed. I wasn’t sure if he would be happy to see me but the excited look on his face appeared genuine. “I didn’t know if you’d make it,” he said. “It’s great to see you!”

  I laughed. “Great to see me? I didn’t do anything. Seeing you play was incredible. You’re amazing.”

  Ryan blushed.

  “I mean you play amazingly well,” I said quickly. “Of course you’re amazing too, because of your playing and everything.” This was not going well. My words were all jumbled in my head. “Wow, I always seem to make a fool of myself around you,” I said. “Maybe I should go now. I just wanted to say great job before I left.”

  “Wait,” Ryan said. “The other day by the park, I wasn’t fair to you. I should have explained why I needed to be alone.”

  “It’s fine,” I said. “I think I know the reason and it’s alright.”

  “No it’s not, and you don’t,” Ryan said. He put a hand absentmindedly on his head and brushed his thick hair off of his forehead. “Look, a couple years ago my little sister got sick. Really sick. She fought it and it seemed like she would pull through for a while but then this spring things took a turn for the worst.”

  I hadn’t been expected anything like this. My heart dropped. “What happened?” I asked quietly, dreading the answer.

  Ryan’s eyes became moist. “She passed away,” he said. “During the last few months we had her I would take her out to Sanders Park. It was her favorite place. She loved to listen to me play music under the tree. She used to say that it made the park seem magical. I promised her I would take her there every day.”

  My face felt unbearably hot. My throat choked up. I couldn’t breathe. My mind replayed everything Ryan had expressed to me at the park, from his sorrowful expression to how he had said that he wasn’t alone. I pictured a young girl watching her big brother play his masterful music in the park even as her own body faltered. I imagined the grace and love it must have taken for her to know that she was dying and to have wanted to spend her last moments on earth with her big brother, appreciating his talent. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted to say something to make him feel better but I was at a loss for words.

  “When she passed I kept going to the park,” Ryan continued. “I know it’s kinda stupid but I just feel like she’s around when I’m there, you know? When I’m playing I can almost picture her sitting there rocking back and forth and smiling as she listens to me. When you showed up I couldn’t concentrate on her and it felt like she disappeared. I panicked. I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

  “You didn’t
,” I said. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hugged Ryan tightly. I felt some tears roll down my cheeks and fall onto the shoulder of his suit jacket. I held him so that he wouldn’t see me cry. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  Ryan patted me on the back and I finally let go. “It’s fine,” he said. “I know I need to move on. It’s okay to miss my sister and honestly it’s good to talk to someone else about her but I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to put the rest of my life on hold for her. I’m just a little hard for me right now with winter coming. I know that before long I won’t be able to sit out there at the park and it makes me feel like I’m losing her all over again.”

  “Ryan, I need to tell you something as well,” I said. I wiped tears from my eyes. Ryan had been so open and truthful with me that I couldn’t keep a secret from him any longer, as trivial as it seemed compared to the death of his sister. “I feel like a really crappy person for saying this and it’s alright if you hate me. I just want to be honest for once so please hear me out. Then you never have to speak to me again. I came to the park because I wanted to find you. A few of my friends thought you were cute and they dared me to get a picture of you kissing me. That’s the reason I was there. Your music really was beautiful and I had no idea about your sister. If I had I wouldn’t have bothered you. I lost my mom a few years ago so I have an idea of what it’s like to lose someone so close to you. I just... I never would have troubled you if I had known, okay? I’m sorry.”

  Ryan was staring at me with an unreadable expression. Then, surprisingly, he smiled. “Seriously,” he said. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

  “I was too embarrassed and shy, I guess,” I said.

  “You were shy about kissing me?” Ryan asked. His voice had a touch of incredulity to it, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. “You’re a legend in this school. You’re the captain of the state-winning soccer team. You’re super smart and beautiful. I’m nobody. Why would you be shy about kissing me?”

  “You’re sweet, Ryan,” I said. “You’re also a good guy and I don’t exactly have the best reputation. Why would you want to be sullied with my image?”

  Ryan shook his head. “Sounds like you don’t know much about how you’re perceived at school,” he said. “Anyways, you wanted a photo of a kiss. Got a phone?”

  I looked around. “You mean right now?” I asked. “In front of everyone?”

  Ryan smiled. He grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me out the front doors of the auditorium. The lights from the school illuminated the dark night. It was so cold out that we could see our breath.

  I turned to face Ryan. I fumbled with the clasp on my clutch, trying to get my phone out.

  “Here,” Ryan said softly. He took my clutch, opened it, and pulled out my phone. “Are you ready?”

  I nodded and put my hands on the lapels of his suit. He held out the phone and aimed it at us. Then he leaned in.

  I felt as nervous as I had when I kissed Sam for the first time. Ryan was so nice and good and sensitive. I immediately wanted him to think well of me. Would I just reinforce my image of a girl who messed around with boys’ heads if I kissed him?

  When I looked up at him, however, he didn’t seem to be judging me at all. Instead, he closed his eyes.

  I lifted my head and placed my lips on his.

  Ryan was a good kisser. His lips were soft and he was gentle. His other arm wound around me protectively. He wasn’t Aaron though. He wasn’t even Nate. I knew instantly that he was not the one for me.

  The kiss did not last long. When our lips parted Ryan hugged me and handed back my phone. As I looked up into his eyes I could see the kindness and pain within them. I felt a deep urge to do something to help him.

  Then I suddenly had an idea. “Ryan,” I said. “Can you meet me tomorrow night after school?”

  The next day after school I got Ryan to drive me to a hardware store so I could pick up the equipment I needed to carry out my plan. Then we drove to Sanders Park. Once we had installed the device, Ryan hugged me tightly. “Thank you,” he said as tears streamed down his face. “Thank you so much.”

  We had purchased a pair of walkie talkies with an extended battery pack, wrapped one walkie talkie in a blanket, and placed it within a hollow of the tree. Ryan took the other walkie talkie home with him.

  When the snow arrived, making the wilted grass and frozen soil look like the fluffy white clouds of heaven, music could still be heard at Sanders Park. If someone had been able to follow it to its source, they would have seen a boy with a mop of reddish-blond hair swaying back and forth with his eyes closed, finding solace in the memory of his little sister and the sublime sound of his saxophone.

  Chapter 32 – Outsmarted

  I needed a break from the kiss list after Ryan. I wanted some time to recover from the emotional strain caused by boys like Nate, Aaron, Ryan, and even Doug. I needed some girl time. I also wanted Alyssa’s plan to come to fruition before I was forced to kiss any other boy. As the weeks passed, however, Aaron made no move on me. He seemed more distracted than usual and even though he would smile and say hi in the hallway his mind seemed elsewhere.

  Finally, Payton ran out of patience. “You need to move on,” she said one day at the lunch table, “and so do I. It’s time to cross Jamal’s name off the list.”

  “I’ve never understood why you added him in the first place,” I said. “Out of all of us, you are by far the most direct. If you like him then why don’t you just go and kiss him yourself?”

  Payton rolled her eyes. “Just because I’m cooler and less of a girly-girl than you biotches doesn’t mean I can simply walk up to and kiss my secret crush. You’re going to do that for me so I can see how well it works first.”

  I sighed. “Alright. What’s the plan of attack on this one?”

  “I was very serious,” Payton said. “I think you should just walk up to him, plant a kiss on his gorgeous lips, and see what happens.”

  Olivia started laughing. Sure, it was easy for her to laugh; she had already landed her boy. Knowing about Ryan’s vulnerable and sensitive side seemed to have given her the confidence she needed to ask him out. They were now dating. She could afford to sit back and enjoy my discomfort.

  “Never gonna happen,” I said. I couldn’t just walk up to a boy and kiss him without any sort of ice breaker. Maybe some girls could pull that off but I didn’t have that sort of courage when it came to boys.

  “Listen,” Payton said. “Jamal is direct and he’s also a ladies’ man. If you combine directness with a girl he’s bound to love it. Just walk up to him, kiss him, snap a photo, and leave. If it works, I’ll know how to handle him in the future. If it doesn’t, I’ll come up with a new strategy.”

  I groaned. This kiss was going to be a painful one to collect. Why couldn’t the girls just line the boys up for me so I could kiss them all at once and be done with it? Chasing boys was taking a toll on my mental health.

  Jamal was friends with Graham which meant he hung around the guys in Graham’s football posse. I couldn’t stand the thought of making another run at a guy in that group with everyone else watching me so I decided to wait for a moment when I could get Jamal alone. Each morning I would wander through the school commons before school, finding different people to talk to, all the while keeping an eye on Jamal and looking for an opening. I felt like a hunter in the jungle waiting for an animal to stray from the pack so I could take him down. It wasn’t easy. Jamal was popular and constantly had guys and quite a few girls around him.

  The upshot of my stalking tactic was that I got a chance to observe Jamal up close. An African American with beautiful dark skin, Jamal was just over six feet tall and had a lean athletic build that had helped him become a football and track star. He had short hair and was a good dresser, favoring a preppy look. He had a diamond stud earring in his left ear. He showed off a brilliant smile when he was joking around with his friends that could instantly transform to a sly smile when he was talking t
o girls. He definitely seemed like Payton’s type – smooth, cool, and athletic – but he intimidated me. It was always easy to talk to a boy once I had seen his sensitive side, like I had with Ryan. It was much harder when the boy seemed so confident and perfect.

  As the days wore on, though, Payton’s patience began to wear thin. I started to worry that she would devise another plan like pushing me over in the hallway as she had with Sam. I didn’t envy the idea of being shoved into Jamal so I started following him around as best I could during the rest of the day. Finally, I got an opening.

  It was just after lunch and I was following Jamal out of the cafeteria. One of the girls sitting at an environmental advocacy booth called to him and asked him to sign some sort of petition. He waved his friends ahead and stopped to sign it and chat with the girls at the booth.

  It was the best opportunity I was going to get. I walked past him and then leaned against a wall, readying myself for the kiss. Jamal finally stopped chatting and turned to walk away. That was my chance. As soon as he started walking I marched directly at him. I shut off my mind and tried to move as sexy as I could. I had my phone ready in my right hand. This would be a quick kiss attack and then it would be over. I was so close. Just a few more steps and I would be...

  “Oh, helllll no,” Jamal said the instant he saw me.

  I froze. “Excuse me?” I said.

  “You! You stay a away from me, you little trouble maker,” Jamal said. “I know you’ve been playing games with guys all over this school and I don’t want none of it. Just back your cute little ass up and get going.”

  I was stunned. I had always feared that was what people thought of me but I had never heard it put into words before. Payton wasn’t kidding when she said Jamal was direct. I hadn’t expected this level of brutal honesty, though. I was completely blindsided.

  “I just...” I started to say.