by J. L. Mac
“You’re not hurt.” My voice came out broken.
I’m gonna kill Chey!
Ben shrugged. “No, not physically.” I winced at his implication. A tsunami of emotion crested and toppled over me. My composure crumbled, and my legs moved of their own volition, taking me to where he sat. I was sent crashing into Ben on the couch thanks to the momentum that drove me towards him. The familiar strong arms that I loved to be wrapped in, encased my shuddering body.
“Hey. I’m okay.” His warm breath caressed the shell of my ear. I began sobbing and hiccoughing and if I had been in anyone else’s presence I would have been mortified at my emotional display.
“She, they, they said you were h-hurt. I thought maybe y-you were…” The words sputtered out of my mouth through sobs and sniffles. His arms held me tightly to his body.
“They shouldn’t have done that to you. I know how you feel. Thinking the worst.” His words and the memory of him telling how he went out of his mind while I was missing caused my body the shudder and shake even harder. My Ben always did know how to read me like a book.
“Shh. It’s okay,” he cooed into my ear. “Come on. I’ll get you some tissue and something to drink.” He held me tightly to his side as he stood lifting us both from his couch. I was instantly reminded of my pregnant belly that was hidden discretely beneath the oversized hooded sweater I wore. When we stood together, my junky purse fell from my lap, and the contents went skittering across Ben’s floor.
“I got it,” I quickly volunteered then crouched down and began shoving things back into my bag with shaky hands. I finished picking up the mess and Ben gripped his long fingers around my elbow and guided me into his kitchen.
“What would you like to drink? I think I still have a bottle of that wine you liked. A drink to relax might help,” he mumbled while his eyes scanned the refrigerator in his luxurious kitchen.
“Um no thanks. No wine.”
Not since August 23rd when I found out about our baby actually. I quipped inwardly.
“What would you like then?” he asked while looking through his refrigerator.
“Water is fine.” Ben fine.”took out a bottle of water and slid it to me across his granite counter. I squirmed uncomfortably not completely sure what I should say to him. “Thanks.” That was all I could come up with. It was pathetic and I knew it.
It was painfully obvious why Cheyenne had gone to such drastic, insane, awful, cruel, measures to get the two of us into the same room. She wanted me to tell Ben about the baby and confess to him how much I loved him. I just wasn’t at all sure if I was ready to say those things. I hadn’t planned on seeing him today. I had no idea how I should tell this man what I needed to say. He noticed my fidgeting as he watched me closely.
“Let’s go back and sit down.” I glanced up at him and I knew that he knew something was up.
“Okay.” I agreed weakly. His hand rested on the small of my back as I had come to expect him to do but this time his touch made my body hum with pent up emotion and physical desire. We sat down on the couch with plenty of space between us. He handed me a huge wad of tissues and kept watching me closely as he always did.
“Since you’re here, I need some answers, Kathleen.”
What? My brows furrowed.
“What? Why?” He drew in a deep breath and sighed.
“Because I need to know a few things so that I can have some closure.”
Closure? Ouch!
I was sure that I winced at his mention of closure. So he has moved on. On the inside I slumped forward, gathered my head in my hands and cried uncontrollably. But that was just on the inside. The outside was a different story. I sat as straight backed as I could and put on the bravest face I could pull together.
“Fine. Fire away, Ben.” I huffed and blotted away the tears on my face.
“First and foremost, why did you quit the firm?”
Oh crap, here we go.
I inhaled deeply and set my water down on the coffee table. “You know why I quit Ben.” His jaw tightened.
“Are you fucking him? Are you back with Aidan?” My brows knitted together and I felt my cheeks redden as my temper flared.
“Fuck you, Ben!” I shouted as I crossed and uncrossed my arms in frustration.
“You didn’t answer the question.” His tone was menacingly low causing all my tears and sadness to temporarily be ebbed away leaving only my steadily rising anger.
“Not that it’s any business of yours, but no, I’m not fucking Aidan or anyone else for that matter. Aidan transferred here and we are just friends, Ben. Which is more than I can say for you and I.” He closed his eyes tightly for a moment at my verbal jab.
“Fine, why haven’t I seen you anywhere? I have gone to the coffee shop we like nearly every day and I have yet to see you there.”
Doctor says caffeine is not good for the baby.
“Going there reminded me of you so I found another coffee shop.” I shrugged casually as I lied. I made sure to avoid Ben’s skeptical stare since I knew how easily he could peer into my head.
“Okay. Why haven’t you called me?” My head snapped back in shock.
“What?! Me contact you? I really don’t think your lovely lady friend would appreciate your ex fuck buddy contacting you.” He narrowed his eyes on me.
“Don’t dare refer to yourself that way. You were far more than a fuck buddy as you so eloquently put it.” He growled at me with a stern finger pointed in my direction and I lost a measure of courage.
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes dismissively.
“You think I’m seeing someone?”
Please don’t make me do this, I pleaded inwardly. I inhaled and shut my eyes trying to picture a relaxing scene but only came up with the memory of the leggy brunette kissing Ben on the cheek. “I saw you.” I whispered with my eyes still sealed shut. Ben slid across the cushions closer to me.
“You saw me doing what might I ask?” His voice had softened and I wanted nothing more than to melt into him.
“I came to see you in August and I saw you drive up with a pretty brunette in your car. She kissed you on the cheek. She looked smitten with you.” Tears began gathering again so I turned away from Ben and fidgeted with nonexistent lint on my comfortable belly-accommodating yoga pants.
I shook my head and kept my focus fixed on my pants leg. I felt him slide even closer to me. He was so close to my side that I felt the warmth radiating from his body.
“What’s going on with you Kathleen?” He asked softly. I stilled my hands.
Tell him! My conscience screamed at me. I shook my head.
“Nothing is going on with me Ben. I’m fine.” Even I heard the lack of conviction in my voice. I was far from fine. I was anything but fine. I was heartbroken, moderately depressed, pregnant with Ben’s baby, unemployed and a host of other things too innumerable to list. Ben backed away from me and tears streamed down my conflicted face. I couldn’t stave off my emotion anymore. Ben pushed me further.
“No, you are not! Tell me now Kathleen.” He demanded in a stern voice. “I won’t accept any more bullshit from you! I deserve some answers not this crap you’ve been handing me!”
Oh, fuck it!
I turned in my seat so that my shoulders were squared with his and let the flood gates open. Tears streamed freely like rivers down my face as I disintegrated before him. “What do want me to say Ben? What the hell do you want to hear? Huh? You want to hear that I am utterly broken? Depressed, miserable without you? Hmm? That you are all I think about? That I lie awake at night thinking about your skin against mine and it makes my body ache? Literally fucking ache to feel your touch!” I widened my eyes and raised my brows dramatically. “Or maybe you want to hear the whole screwed up truth about my past and why I’m stuck there! Okay, fine! Let’s see if this helps you get some closure!” His face went blank and I overrode his attempt to interrupt.
“Kat-”
“Nope! You asked for it, Ben. You’re gett
ing it.” I bombarded him with all the terrible truths about my past. I told him about neglecting my dreams and hating myself for having spent so much time with a man who betrayed me. When I told him about the baby I had lost his shoulders slumped and sympathy filled his eyes.
“Shit Kat. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you went through all of that.” Tears kept pouring from my eyes as I exposed my past to Ben.
“I came here to Dallas to start over Ben. I came here to get better. To find the part of me that I had lost years ago. That’s what the tattoo is all about. I found you when I got here and I tried hard to fight away my feelings for you. To lock away my emotions but I failed miserably. Then you ripped my heart out when you sent me packing since I was too screwed up and stubborn. I wanted to try Ben but I didn’t want to hurt either one of us! I wanted to try to get my crap together for you, for us and-” My gaze caught on something peeking from under the edge of the coffee table.
Shit! My book! I jumped to pick it up before Ben could see the pregnancy book I had bought. Ben’s deep blue-green eyes that always had a way of reading my mind, followed my gaze to the floor. I glanced at him and a confused crease marred the space between his brows. “I got it!” I said as I slid forward on the cushion to reach down for the book. I had my bag beside my feet so I thought so I th if I could just slide the book from under the edge of the table and quickly get it into my bag he would be none the wiser. I would have bought myself more time to figure out how to tell him about the baby. That’s when our baby changed my plans, again. When I leaned forward something amazing happened. I felt something happen within me. A flutter then a very clear kick from my little baby. I froze and gasped. I righted my shoulders and my hand involuntarily slipped under my sweater to rest on my pregnant belly. Ben’s eyes got wide.
“What’s wrong?” He said in a worried voice as he surveyed the look on my face then my hand on my stomach. Before I could even work on conjuring any lousy excuses of cramps or food poisoning he reached forward and fished out the book that barely peeked out from under his table. I watched him completely frozen to my seat in amazement and hoping for more little moves from my baby. I watched his face pale and his chest rise and fall faster. “Wh-what’s this?” He held up the book.
Now or never I guess.
“What’s it look like Ben?” I said quietly. He looked irritated. In a flash he was inches from me. He reached down and pulled my sweater up to beneath my breasts. “Hey!” I cried out. His mouth popped open.
“Y-You…You’re pregnant?”
Guilty.
His eyes bulged, his voice was ragged and he looked moments away from passing out. “You should sit back and relax. You don’t look so good Ben.” His eyes were glazed over and he looked upset.
“You’re having a baby.” He whispered with a clear undertone of disappointment.
Ouch. He doesn’t want me or the baby. Great.
“Ben, I should leave.” I made a move to stand and he gripped me by the wrist with one hand while the other still held up my baggy sweater. He was just staring off into space.
“Who’s the father?” He asked quietly. I scoffed and jerked my wrist from his grip. I was pissed at his implication and jerked my sweater from his other hand and allowed it to fall back into position.
“I’m no whore Ben! I’m over four months pregnant. You do the math genius!” His eyes snapped back to me and the glazed look was gone.
“Me?” He questioned.
“You got it chief!”
“How? You were on the pill.”
“I missed two pills when John had me. I tried catching ied catcup but I didn’t realize that doing that runs the risk of getting pregnant.”
“I’m going to be a dad?”
“Um yes. It would appear so.” He became angry so I dropped the smart mouth.
“Didn’t feel the need to tell me? Shit, Kathleen! I’ve missed so much already.” He pointed at my belly and it made me want to cower in the corner. “You are one selfish woman!”
“I’m sorry I was licking my wounds when I found out about the baby and came to tell you but saw you with the new woman in your life so I just kept the pregnancy to myself. This baby doesn’t change the fact that we aren’t together anymore and you have moved on.”
“Like hell! It changes everything, Kathleen and the woman you saw was most definitely NOT my girlfriend or anything even close! She’s my brother’s girlfriend. I was looking over a contract for her.”
Ah, shit.
Nausea bubbled up and began to consume me. I wasn’t sure if it was due to my hormones or the fact that I hid from Ben because I was too much of a coward to talk to him since I assumed the brunette was his new woman.
“Oh God. I-uh-I don’t feel so great.” I pressed the palm of my hand to my forehead and leaned forward to rest my forehead on my knees.
“What’s wrong? What do I do?” I could hear the worry in Ben’s voice and it was endearing even through the powerful urge to be sick.
“I’ll be alright Ben just give me a minute.” He dismissed my assertion and tucked me into his side. We stood from the sofa again and he guided me up the stairs to his room. The same room that I use to call mine for a brief time.
“You should lay down here. I’ll get a damp washcloth. Stay here.”
Don’t think I could go anywhere right now.
A moment later Ben returned with a glass of juice and a damp wash cloth. “Here, sit up.” I complied and he lifted the sweater over my head and removed my shoes. I laid back to my left side while he folded the washcloth and pressed it to my neck. I began sobbing like the emotional, depressed, hormonal pregnant woman that I was.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Ben.” My voice cracked and wavered through my sobs.
“It’s okay, don’t think about any of that right now.” Ben removed his shoes and slid into the bed behind me. His body spooned with mine and reminded me of how ed me ofperfect we fit together. I laid in his bed in just my socks, yoga pants and snug cotton tee. I sobbed harder thinking about how right Ben was and my shoulders rocked. “Shhh. Baby don’t cry.”
Baby?
My heart and brain both stumbled on the words he whispered sweetly into my ear. I had been dying to be back in his arms. To be his baby again.
“You’re right about me. I’m selfish.” I whispered back through my tears. “You deserve so much more than me Ben. I’ll never forgive myself for screwing up everything.”
“Don’t. Just stop right there.” His arms squeezed me tighter and his voice grew stern. “I screwed up plenty too. I never should have spoken to you like I did that day in my office. I shouldn’t have been so naive to think that if I pushed you away, gave you a taste of your own medicine, you’d wake up and realize that I wanted you. That I had fallen in love with you.” My heart skipped a beat at his confession. He rolled me to my back and ran his thumb across my bottom lip the way that made my stomach flip. He leaned in and kissed me so tenderly. I felt wanted, cherished, forgiven. His kiss intensified. His tongue slid like satin into my mouth caressing mine. I moaned softly, cupped his face and gave him everything I had. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. How much I needed him. He broke away from my lips and placed soft kisses on my cheek.
“Baby, I wish you would have just told me.”
“I wanted to.”
He resumed our kiss and pulled me closer to him. My hands roamed over his tight body. He rose above me and I opened my self to him. He settled himself between my legs and pulled my shirt over my head. His hands swept down my chest to my belly. His eyes glistened.
“You’re having my baby.” He whispered. I smiled and nodded. His eyes came back to mine. His expression was wanting, pleading.
“Undress” I said. He stripped down to his boxer briefs while never letting his eyes leave mine. I had forgotten how perfect Ben’s body was and I suddenly felt very inadequate but as if reading my mind he said the perfect thing.
“I didn’t think it was possible for you to b
e any more beautiful. I was wrong.” His words were like a warm blanket wrapping me up. His eyes left mine and skated down my body to my belly.
“I felt the baby move for the first time on the couch.” I shared the detail that changed the course our evening took. Ben’s eyes widened.
“Really?” I nodded in affirmation. He looked like he was deep in thought at how to proceed so I did it for him.
“Lay down.man"> dow how Without pause he moved from between my thighs and laid down beside me. I slid off my pants then sat up and tossed one leg over his body to straddle him. I put my hands behind my back and unclipped my bra. I tossed it aside and watched Ben’s eyes skate over my body. I had been slightly worried about how my body had changed but he seemed to be appraising my curves just as he had done so many times before. Maybe even more.