Besides, what he was asking went against the rules. Neither of them needed to get that close. Talking and sharing? Crap like that took intimacy to a whole other level. And that made the stakes too high.
Eva stared at him, wondering if she could indeed play that high a price. She did want to talk, and she thought, as she looked into his rich chocolate eyes that at times held a deep melancholy and caused her breath to hitch, part of her wouldn’t mind knowing what was going on behind his dark depths. “Fine, I’ll give a little, but not all. It will be like when we have sex. Even all the way. Let’s make this a game of give and take, but make it question and answer. That way we’ll both be satisfied.”
Aidan grinned, but his eyes turned even darker as he took in the ramifications of what Eva had proposed. “You really are a little witch. I knew it when I first saw you. Don’t ask me why I ran after you in the first place, because the only answer I’ve got to that one is I’m a glutton for punishment.”
Eva laughed, snuggling closer to him. “Good. That’s at least one question down. Wasn’t that easy? Now you give me one.”
His stare was hard and made her wonder if agreeing to this was a good idea after all. He was a reporter and could cut pretty deep. But then he opened his mouth and sealed the deal. “Why would you settle on marrying anyone, when in reality you don’t even want to get married?”
Fuck. Go straight for an artery, why don’t you? Suddenly Eva couldn’t breathe. Shit, this really was a mistake. Just like when he was making love, Aidan knew how to go for all the sensitive spots, and even though this was supposed to be just a game, the man didn’t play around. Once again, all this proved was that not going with her gut had gotten her into trouble. When would she ever learn?
Chapter 17
Her settling? Not want to get married?
Eva was sunk, and she knew it. She should have shut up while she was still ahead of the game. They’d each had a fairly decent day. Had a late dinner, then even later lovemaking, and were now full and satisfied. Why did she have to go and push it into the ruin column with her overthinking and chatter?
Everything in her told her to lie. To say something about it really being her dream all along to get married, yada, yada. It was right there on the tip of her tongue. She could spin this to the gods. Hell, she was a spinner extraordinaire.
But in the end, she couldn’t do it. Just when she was ready to say the words, start the wheels turning, they got all sour and sticky and went back the wrong way down her throat. Eva coughed and looked down, picking at a loose thread on the end of the sheet. She frowned. Sheets this expensive shouldn’t have any loose threads. She cleared her throat again. “You’re right. I think in his own way Kevin did me a favor. Not that I didn’t want to marry him. Because I did. At one point,” she swallowed, “But now that feels like it was such a long time ago. I think I loved him. I don’t know, maybe it was the idea of him or what he could be. Maybe it was what we could have been together.” She shook her head. Ashamed of the sound of her words. “I guess it was my own stupid pride that made me say what I did in the studio. My pride and my anger. And after it was said, I couldn’t back out. I had to save face for myself and my family and go through with it.” She lowered her voice, “Honestly, I can’t bear to disappoint my mother. That’s the problem I’m having now. Letting her down is just not an option.”
God, it sounded ridiculous to her own ears as she said the words out loud. She could only imagine how it sounded to him. Eva felt her face heat up and resisted pulling out of his embrace and running to hide in the bathroom until he finally gave up and left. Left her alone to wallow in her embarrassment and shame.
But he only stared at her, at first wide-eyed in what seemed like astonishment, and then his lids became heavy, as if a pang of sympathy and comprehension dawned all at once. “I understand,” was all he said.
Eva pulled back, momentarily shocked. “You do? You don’t think I’m some sort of pathetic loser?”
He leaned forward and kissed her lightly. “You, princess? Come on. How could you ever be anybody’s loser? And of course I do. I met your mother, remember? She’s pretty formidable. Reminds me a lot of my father, and those types of people are not the easiest to disappoint. No one that you love is.” His words pulled her up short in surprise. He didn’t seem the type to be talking about familial love. Or maybe he was, and she’d just categorized him unfairly that way. “Besides,” he continued, “I’m sure being the only daughter and heir must not be a picnic.”
She made a face. “No, it isn’t. But I learned early on how to cope, and really she’s not all that bad. I know she wants the best for me. She’s worked hard and has been through a lot to make our company what it is today. Doing that on her own in this town is something to applaud. And I understand, though I didn’t growing up, that in her own overbearing, controlling way, she’s only been trying to protect me. Making it easier for me than it was for her. Even if in the process she’s driving me crazy.”
He pulled her in close. “Is that what the whole getting married on television thing was? You coping? You doing it all for her?”
Eva thought for a moment. She didn’t know how much she should tell him, but part of her wanted to get things off her chest. What would it really matter anyway? It wasn’t like they were the real thing or that she even really mattered to him. This could be like therapy. Well, therapy with a twist, so to speak. She shimmied up against him and felt him harden against her.
“Don’t try and dodge the question,” he said.
“Who’s dodging? But remember, you’ll owe me, and I’m not taking sex as payment.”
He laughed at this, and it felt good. Made her smile in a way that somehow felt deep, true, and easy. It was the type of smile she hadn’t experienced with any other man. “As if you could afford me.”
She chuckled. “Now you’re pushing it.”
“No, but I will be later.” Aidan nipped her on her shoulder. “Now, back to the show. Was that you coping?”
Eva shrugged, then let out a long breath. “Not really. And I may be a lot of things, but I can take my own lumps. I’m not pinning this on my mother. This is my bed to lie in.”
Aidan cocked his brow, and she snorted. “Don’t start. Now, Kevin and I were together a long time, and like I said, I loved him, or parts of him, or maybe it was the idea of what he and I could be. You see, we used to be good together. We had our thing down. Us taking the next step was inevitable, and the show getting involved seemed like a wonderful twist of fate that would be a boon for our family business. We were doing well but getting staid with our clientele, and when one of our younger associates said she’d heard about the casting for the show, part of me thought it would be great for PR. My mother agreed. She thought the buzz would be fabulous. We both thought it would be the high-profile thing we needed to take Ward to a new level. Having the Ward name mentioned once or twice a week on a national station seemed, at the time, a small price to pay for loss of privacy with a wedding that had been part of my plan all along.”
His brows drew together. “And where did Kevin fit into all of this?”
Eva bit her lip. This part was hard. Where did he fit? “Honestly, I guess that’s where I failed. Kevin was always there, happily on the rise, right along with me. I’d invested a lot in him, and I think he was fine with it. We met in school. I helped him through, made sure he passed the bar exam—well, the second time around. I even gave him the makeover he needed to get him the position he currently has at one of the best firms in the city. But really, deep down, now I’m not sure I was what he wanted, even back then.” Eva swallowed the words that were now the toughest to say, and Aidan ran a reassuring hand easily up and down her bare thigh.
“Maybe I was a settle, a step up the ladder for him. Who knows?” She shrugged. “I thought I was doing all the right things and all he needed was a little nudge. It’s sad, but I was the first one to bring up marriage when I brought up the show. He probably would have been happy
going on as we were indefinitely, or at least until he was ready to settle down with the woman he really wanted.”
After that declaration, Eva looked down and away. She didn’t want to see the pity that was no doubt in Aidan’s eyes. No one knew she was the one who had brought up marriage to Kevin. The running official story was that he had proposed in the most perfect way, getting down on one knee during the ending credits of her favorite movie, Love Actually. It was her story, and she was sticking to it. The reality was that he’d ended up saying yes, sure they could get married after she’d laid out her plan and agreeing that being on the show would be beneficial to both of them. Of course that yes came after they’d had sex on her couch, something she called a rare treat for him since she was usually strictly an on-the-bed type of girl. At least the Love Actually part of the story was true, since his yes came during the rolling credits, their lovemaking lasting no longer than the end of the movie and the end of the credits. After Eva had laid it all out, Kevin thought a bit and decided to go with the ring, promising to take her shopping the next day, and then flipped the TV to SportsCenter to end the talk and wind down for bed. Eva felt like a fool now, thinking of how it had all gone down and the ridiculous fairy tale she’d spun around him. She was a real ass for ever going for him and, worse, for her own bullshit in the first place.
Aidan let out a long breath as his reassuring strokes now moved onto her back. “That’s about as real as it gets, but I asked. Still, I don’t understand. Why did you settle?”
Eva looked up at him, not quite understanding why he didn’t get it. He was such a man. She shook her head. “The thing is, I didn’t think it was settling. Kevin was a good catch. A handsome, good-looking lawyer from a decent family and with no kids. And back then, he was mine. Well, at least I thought he was. We were in a long-term relationship, and he told me he loved me. In between video games and SportsCenter, he still said he loved me, and that’s not so easy to come by, and if you go by my stats, the odds are not in my favor as a single, soon-to-be-thirty-year-old woman. I always knew that eventually I wanted to have it all—the man, the marriage, and, yes, even the kid—before it was too late. I was making sure it happened. Now may not be the perfect time, but it’s the only time I have.”
Aidan’s brows drew together, and Eva could feel his judgment simmering toward her. “Hey,” she added, “as a man you can push it to fifty or sixty, lose your hair and get a gut, and you’ll still have better odds of getting married than a woman does.”
Aidan let out a whistle.
“Yeesh, that’s a sobering thought.”
“You’re telling me. But hey, it’s not like I’m down on myself or have low self-esteem or some such crap. I’m laying it out there. Men don’t want to commit, but women only have a certain viable prime-time shelf life when it comes to work and family. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. And if that’s settling, yeah, maybe a little bit I freaking settled, but I truly didn’t see it that way. I thought I could turn it into my happy ending. The happy ending my mother never got, I was—well, am—going to make.”
Aidan stared, and she felt her stomach clench. Oh hell, had she gone too far? She probably had. She had gone against code and spilled the tea on what truly was. Shit. She should have kept the mask on and remained the kitten in bed he wanted. The kitten or the ice princess or anyone but this woman who was a settling, manipulating wreck and who was desperate in his eyes.
“So is that what you’re doing here, with me, what you have to do?” Aidan finally asked.
Eva’s brows shot up as she felt the familiar spark of anger ignite. Men. She would pity them if they weren’t so crazy making. She let out a sigh, then looked Aidan in the eye and spoke slowly. “How is what I said even about you?” She went to push him away, but his supposedly easy grip was surprisingly firm. “I swear you men are all alike. I thought we were talking about me, but you want to make this about you.” She let out another long breath. “With you, no. With the show? Yeah, I’m doing that because I have to get my life back. I have to save face. Save the image of my and my mother’s company. It’s up to me to clean up the mess I’ve made. I will not go skulking off as the scorned woman without a man. The picture just looks too sad, woe is me, and all that. So yeah, I’m doing what I have to do. But as for with you, no.”
Eva looked at him. His strong jaw, his dark, dangerous eyes, his wide expanse of chest. He was more than she could even dream of. A man so out of her realm and off her deviated plan that, no, she’d never think of him as something she’d have to do. This time with him had quickly become a living dream that she didn’t want to walk away from. Eva bit her lip before starting again. “With you here, when we’re alone, for once I’m doing what I want to do. Like you said, no attachments and no responsibility. I’ve never had that type of freedom.”
It wasn’t as if Eva expected Aidan to rant or rave, but the long stretch of quiet was almost unbearable. Eva knew he was thinking over her words, letting them sink in, and probably trying to plot his exit. Fine, it was done. He could do with her revelation what he liked. It didn’t really matter one way or another. They only had a handful of weeks left, and they would be done and going their separate ways. She tapped him on his side and brought his attention back to her.
“So I spilled my guts, now it’s your turn,” she said with a raised brow. “There is no way you’re doing this gig for the love of my story. What got you stuck on this ridiculous beat and not out roaming the globe? And don’t lie, because if you do, I’m kicking you right out of this bed.”
* * *
Aidan chuckled at what he hoped would be the easiness of it, calming the churning in his gut. Why did he ever say those words? No attachments, no responsibility. Coming from her, though, the words raked over him like fine glass. But he covered his feelings by giving her a grin. “Shit, you got me, woman. Is it too late to make this truth or dare? How about I take a dare instead?”
She smiled back but still narrowed her eyes. “No way. I did my part, so you’re not getting out of this. Spill it.”
He let out a sigh and then began. “All right. I’m embarrassed to say my reasons are not far off from yours. I’ll just say you weren’t all that far off with your first assessment of me when you accused me being assigned to you as some sort of punishment.”
When she shot him a look, he quickly reached out and squeezed her leg. “Only you were definitely not part of my penance—or, should I say, rehabilitation.”
She mumbled under her breath.
“What?” he said. “I didn’t quite catch that.”
Eva looked him in the eye. “I said, that’s what happens when you play around and act like an overgrown boy.”
He raised a brow and poked her in the side, causing her to jump. “Well, well, well. Look who’s clawing up. Easy there. Sounds like you’ve been hanging on Google again. I would have thought that with your job, plus the dates,” he trailed his hand along her thigh now, “plus our extracurricular activities, you wouldn’t have time to troll the internet.”
Her eyes went to the ceiling. “You’d be surprised what I have time for.”
He chuckled at that. The woman was a constant thorn.
“Trust me,” she continued. “I don’t. I usually filter out seventy percent, and if I leave thirty, in your case that’s still enough to burn up my screen.”
“Damn, you’re tough. Now shall I talk, or let you?”
She twisted her mouth but looked suitably guilty for her assumptions. “I’m sorry. This is your story.”
He kissed her, then pulled back. “It is. And you’re partially right. You always were. As I started to explain, I am here for a certain amount of rehabilitation. On my last assignment, I made a call that I should not have.” He coughed then, a lump bubbling up in his throat out of nowhere. “And if it wasn’t for me, my crew and I never would have been on the trek we were on, and we wouldn’t have gone, inadvertently, across the border where we did, following after my false lead. I pu
t lives, our lives in jeopardy, and after that, it was time to come back home and reassess.” She reached out then and rubbed a gentle hand across his head, letting it glide down to his shoulder, where tension had knotted up out of nowhere. He gave her what he hoped was a convincing smile. “It’s not all bad, though. After a tense few days when we were all pretty much scared shitless, the network paid what was demanded, and we all made it home. There are quite a few relieved families who are grateful for that. And the ordeal made my father adamant about me taking my place in the family business. I guess my near-death moment made him consider his mortality. That’s not something I meant to do, and I’m sorry for it. For putting him, my mother, and so many through so much.”
When the lump knotted up in his throat again Aidan just wanted to be done. Done with talking and the session of over-sharing. Though he didn’t feel any of the expected waves of judgment coming from her direction, he still felt the weight of them on his own heart. He knew he shouldn’t have crossed the line with her. It was safer all around keeping things as they were, staying in the space where she wasn’t looking for anything from him and he wasn’t looking for anything from her.
Aidan leaned in then and rested his head against her warm skin. For just a moment, he took in the dangerous feeling of calmness and content as she continued to lazily massage his tight shoulders. It was a content he didn’t rightfully deserve.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know.”
At the sound of her voice, smooth and easy, he lifted his head. “I was the lead. It was my call. Of course it was my fault.”
She frowned. “What was the story?”
“What does it matter? The fact is, we didn’t get the story but got our asses handed to us.”
She leveled him with her gaze. “Humor me.”
“Fine. We were looking for an encampment of child soldiers while following up on a lead about sexual exploitation.”
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