Blindsided: Renegades 7 (The Renegades Series)

by Melody Heck Gatto

  Sam’s anger boiled over. “I fucking told you, Rob, I don’t do that shit. There are no drugs in my system. You want me to prove it?” He jumped up out of his seat, his face on fire, and his head feeling ten times heavier than it should. His chest ached from the stress he was feeling.

  “Sam, I need you to calm down.” Rob never moved from his seat, and his words were soft and even.

  How can anyone be calm about being accused of doing drugs, when they never touch the shit? Sam slowly sat back down for no other reason than he didn’t know what else to do.

  “That’s not what’s happening. I didn’t find illegal drugs, per se. What I did find though, was a high concentration of pain medication.”

  “So?” Again, his tone was sharp, this time deliberately. He had to force himself to stay seated.

  “Sam, the team doctors did not prescribe that medicine for you. The migraine meds are fine because I signed off on them. I did not sign off on Oxycodone. I’d never give that for concussion symptoms.”

  Rob wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t prescribed that for him. Shit, I didn’t realize that would show up in the urine test. I should’ve known it would. I’m smarter than this.

  “Your headaches. How bad do they get?” Rob had still not moved from his relaxed position in his seat.

  Sam took a deep breath while looking at the floor. He counted the dots contained in a square of carpet until his breathing evened out. “When I get them, they’re bad. Lately, it’s been at night. It sounds weird, but the throbbing pain becomes deafening. If I didn’t take a pain pill, I’d go crazy. Any little sound is like a dagger in my skull.”

  “I get that, Sam. It sounds like post-concussive syndrome. Those are typical symptoms. But pain meds won’t help you. They numb the discomfort, mask it. Then you go on with your life like usual, participating in activities you wouldn’t be doing if you were restricted due to a concussion. Activities you probably shouldn’t be doing. Like being out on that ice, risking contact and hits. I’m not even bringing up the fact that according to league rules, the Oxy was given to you from an unauthorized doctor.”

  Sam didn’t lift his gaze from the floor. He understood everything Rob was saying, and even what he wasn’t spelling out for him. He could be in deep shit for taking unauthorized meds from an unauthorized doctor. Even if it was his dentist. He sat back in his chair and nervously ran his hands through his hair.

  “Sam. You’ve never been in trouble with the league. We’re taking this one step at a time. I’ll be looking into the unauthorized medication and speaking to the league about it. If you stop taking it immediately and pass a future surprise drug test, I think I can convince them to forgive your indiscretion.” Sitting up a little straighter, he cleared his throat. “My concern at the moment is your neurological recovery. You won’t be playing while you’re having symptoms. I don’t even want you on the ice for workouts while you’re having symptoms—not that I think you’re going to feel up to being on the ice.”

  “So, I’m out until further notice?” His temples weren’t throbbing now, but his stomach ached with disappointment. How was he going to tell Trina?

  “Yes. I don’t want you doing any type of PT until your symptoms are manageable. Sam, I need you to be completely honest with me. No more bullshit about feeling good enough to play. I need honesty, or you’re done for the season. I refuse to risk your health. And I don’t play games.”

  Sam nodded in agreement.

  “Sam, I need more than a nod. I need your word.”

  “Okay. No bullshit. I promise.” Sam stood up and looked to the door. “Are we done?”

  “We’re done. You can stay and watch the game in the family room, or—”

  Not letting Rob finish his sentence, Sam interrupted. “Nope. I’m grabbing Tri and Willow and going home.”

  “Sam...”

  He paused, turning back to face Rob. His words were short and sharp. “Yeah?”

  “I can help you make this right. We just want you to get better the right way, so you can get back out on the ice. We don’t want to risk any further damage, and I don’t think you want that, either.”

  “Yeah. Whatever. See-ya.” Shoving the door open with more force than necessary, Sam stormed down the hallway past the locker room.

  Trina was in the family room with Willow and some of the other wives. They were laughing and watching the beginning of the game, while the kids played. He had a lump in his throat as he stood in the doorway and watched. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. It wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go. I am a hockey player, and I am supposed to be out on the ice right now with my team!

  His blood boiled, and his stomach churned. He wanted to scream, he wanted to yell, he wanted to puke.

  He still hadn’t spoken, when Trina noticed him standing there. She looked from Kat back to Sam. “Oh, hey babe. Ready to go?”

  Obviously, his face told her all she needed to know. “Yeah.”

  Trina whispered something to Kat, then quietly said her goodbyes and quickly scooped up Willow. Once she got closer to Sam, he ushered her out the door in to the hallway. She tried to stop, and she looked up at him, but he didn’t feel like talking right now. Not here. Without pausing, he pushed on all the way to the exit that led to the parking garage. The stony expression on his face remained unchanged the whole way.

  Before getting into the car, she finally asked him what had remained unsaid. “Doctors didn’t think it was safe to play yet?”

  “Nope.” He just wanted to go home. This wasn’t up for discussion.

  “Babe, you okay?”

  He knew Trina meant well, but this wasn’t the place. He just wanted to get out of here, and fast.

  “Yep.” He was far from okay. “Just want to go home.” His chest ached, and his ego was bruised. He felt like he was choking. If he were more of a man, he would’ve faced the pain head-on from the beginning and be well on his way back to returning to the ice. Instead of being left to explain to Trina what a loser she was married to.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Sam

  Sam let Trina put Willow down in her crib alone. Sometimes he liked to help put the toddler to bed and wish his sunshine good night. Tonight, the little girl had fallen asleep on the ride home. It was for the best. Sam loved his family but was in no mood for any of it tonight. If he had his way, he’d prefer to be alone.

  He was starting to feel the physical side effects from the stress of today. A dull ache was forming around his temple and in his jaw. Sitting on the couch, he put his head back into the soft cushion and closed his eyes. The loud silence of the room surrounded him, but it was as if fireworks were going off behind his closed eyelids.

  Soft footsteps told him that Trina was returning. He continued to lounge back on the couch, but opened his eyes just in time to see her sit down and cuddle up beside him. She snuggled in to his side, slid her arm across his body and rested her head on his chest.

  He didn’t deserve the love she was showing him. She should be mad at him for screwing everything up. She should know what kind of a loser he was.

  “Babe, everything okay?” Her voice was soft and caring. And it made him feel like shit.

  How am I supposed to answer this? If he didn’t have to tell her what was going on, he’d rather not. Taking unauthorized pain pills. That’s not something he was proud of. “Yeah.” Sam ran his hand along her long hair. He was so lucky to have her, and he didn’t want to let her down. There was no chance of that now.

  After a few moments, he slid out from under her. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to go get ready for bed. Join me in a few?”

  Trina nodded but didn’t move. Sam made sure the doors were locked, then headed upstairs. He looked in on Willow before retiring to their bedroom. His jaw ached from gritting his teeth. His temples throbbed from how high his blood pressure must’ve been during his meeting with Rob. His stomach churned, and acid ran up the back of his throat.

  It’d been too l
ong since he’d taken the last pill. The base of his skull ached, causing a shooting pain into his head, which was now throbbing. His neck was stiff and achy, and he stretched it side to side, hoping to find some sort of relief. But he knew only one thing was going to help. Reaching into his nightstand, he looked for the prescription bottle. But it wasn’t there. He searched the drawer for the bottle, but it was gone. What the hell? It was there this morning.

  “Tri, did you move my headache pills?” he barked. Sam didn’t want to yell and maybe wake Willow, but the pain was increasing quickly, and he was growing nervous. Controlling his temper was not high on his list at the moment; he just needed a pill. He searched through the drawer, looking for some kind of explanation as to where the medication had gone.

  “Tri, did you move my pills?” he asked again, too loudly.

  “Keep your voice down.” Trina immediately appeared in the bedroom doorway. Her voice was strict and her arms folded across her chest. “Your migraine pills? No. I didn’t touch those.”

  The serious expression on her face kind of scared him. It was in sharp contrast to her demeanor from the living room just a few moments before. It wasn’t his migraine pills he was missing, and something told him that she knew that. This isn’t good.

  Sam nervously laughed, trying to control his quickly rising anger. “Babe, I need those.”

  “No, you really don’t.”

  The way she stood there like a statue scared him. She didn’t look confused as to what he was talking about, which meant she knew exactly what he was looking for.

  “Yeah, I’m supposed to take them—”

  She didn’t even let him finish his sentence. “Try again.” Her tone was harsh and her features stiff.

  “Excuse me?” She knew. Sam knew he couldn’t continue this front much longer. Not after being pulled off the ice before the start of the game. Lying to her made him sick. She didn’t deserve that from him, but he didn’t know how to tell her what he’d done. She deserved better than him.

  The disappointment in her eyes was what he was trying to avoid. The anger that emitted from her was something he expected. After all, he had kept this from her and that was something they didn’t do.

  “C’mon Sam, don’t play dumb with me. I want the truth, and I want to hear it from you.” She didn’t budge from her position in the doorway.

  There was no doubt in his mind that she already knew. Thinking back to when they were at the arena, he remembered that Rob had come down the hall from the direction of the family room when Sam was meeting him in the exam room. Sam was positive Rob must’ve told her. Even if he hadn’t told her any details, she was smart enough to piece things together. There was no use lying to her now. There was nothing to gain from it.

  “I didn’t exactly get those pills from the team neurologist. He did give me the migraine pills, though.”

  “Where did you get the pain pills from?”

  She wants me to say the words. Tri wants me to admit it to her. We don’t lie or keep secrets.

  “Tri, I’m sorry I mislead you, er, lied.”

  “Obviously.” She stood her ground like a statue, silent and not moving. Not coming to comfort him, and not yelling at him. She just stood there, too far away for him to touch, but her face was clear.

  Sam didn’t dare move closer until they finished this talk. Her response would be questionable. “I had them left over from my dental work a few months back.”

  “And you thought it was a wise decision to take those pain pills for a brain injury?”

  “Some of my buddies on other teams have used different supplements to help their ailments.” Sam shook his head, trying his best to dance around what he was really trying to say. They were pain pills not prescribed by the team doctor or a neurologist. That was the real issue. He knew why she was making him say it out loud. Because of this exact reason, to make him feel like shit.

  “Oh, various supplements, is that the technical term for it?”

  Under her strict gaze, he felt like a scolded child right now. But he couldn’t lie to her. He wouldn’t. She meant more to him than that. “Pain meds. Ones the team doctor wouldn’t prescribe, not for this. Not necessarily illegal, but that you should only take with a prescription. My pills were by prescription and from an actual physician. Just not the team doc or neurologist.”

  “Because league doctors don’t usually give pain pills like that for concussive or post-concussion symptoms, right?” She knew what she was talking about. Not only was he sure that Rob talked to her, but her brother, Tyler, had played hockey as long as Sam had. She knew all about hockey injuries. Probably more than most of the wives or girlfriends did. Plus, she had her own neurologist, because of her MS.

  Even if he chose to lie, she’d find out the truth. If she really wanted to know, all she had to do was ask her own doctor about the injury or the meds.

  Sam nodded. “You know as well as I do that some guys just want to get back out on the ice. No matter the cost.” He kept his gaze on the floor, because he had turned into one of those guys. “Babe, I wasn’t planning on using them long. The pain was terrible, and I just didn’t know what else to do. They took the edge off and made me feel normal. The more I took, the better I felt. I couldn’t stand the pain.” Like now.

  “And that’s exactly what the dealers count on. People like you who can’t function without it.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I only wanted to take a few. But every time the pain came on, it was fierce. I couldn’t think straight. The pills took it away. When I don’t take them… the pain is brutal. It’s nasty… It’s almost indescribable. But now that I’ve been using them to control the pain, I have no idea what to expect when I stop taking them. It’s obvious there’s more wrong than I realized.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, not wanting to look her in the eye. His voice cracked as he tried anything he could to get her to understand. “Tri, I feel good right now. I’m loving my time with you and Willow. I haven’t had any symptoms while taking them. I know now that it’s all a false reality. I just wanted to get back out there. I wanted to play.”

  “And how’s that working out for you?”

  After what he’d been through tonight, her words were a low blow as if he’d been punched in the gut. “I didn’t think—”

  “No you didn’t! What if they hadn’t caught it, and you played the game? And what if you took another bad hit, or any hit at all? Even if you can’t feel them, you’re still suffering from post-concussive symptoms. You need rest. You need to take your time getting back out on the ice. But no, you were willing to jump right back out there without any thought about me and Willow. That’s nothing but selfish, Sam.”

  “Tri—you’re wrong. You and Willow are ALL that I think about!”

  “Obviously not, if you were willing to put yourself in danger of getting hit again and suffering a worse brain injury simply for the love of the game.”

  She was right. Even through the dull thudding in his brain, he could see that.

  “Look, I suspect that Rob told you about what happened tonight at the arena. Here’s the thing. I know what I did was wrong.” He looked at the floor again, not sure about the words that he was going to say next. He swallowed hard, looking deep for courage. “I know I have to stop taking them. But if I stop now… I… I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the pain. You’re right about everything. It’s how I’m wired. We’re taught to play no matter what. Nothing gets in the way of getting out on the ice. It’s how we’re raised. But you know that. Did you expect anything less of me? Tri, honestly. And now… now I’m just scared.”

  “Of what?” Her voice was now soft and filled with concern.

  “Losing you and Willow. I lied. I kept this from you. We don’t keep secrets.” He had failed them as a husband and a father. They look to me to guide this family, and look at me now. “And…” Getting worked up made the pain spike. The room spun, and his neck felt like it might snap under the weight of his sku
ll. His eyes closed, and he never finished his thought.

  The bed moved as Trina gently sat down on the edge beside him. Sam couldn’t look at her yet. His stomach hurt. He had let her down. Her warm, loving hands slid over his shoulders, comforting him. He didn’t deserve her love.

  “Why would you lose me? I’m still right here.” Her voice was filled with kindness.

  “Tri, I don’t know what’s going to happen without those pills.” I’m not an addict. It’s not the same, but this is why addicts stay addicts. They like the feeling, the high. I like feeling normal. We’ve had such a nice time together. Will that all change when I’m allowed to feel the pain?

  When he didn’t answer her question, she pulled away from him. The coolness he was left with when she did scared him even more.

  “You’re not getting them back, and you won’t continue to take them. Not while we’re in your life.” It was a veiled threat. She might’ve sounded confident in her words, but her eyes told him she was just as scared as he was.

  I never meant to start using them to begin with. Dammit, I know better than this. I wish I never had. “I know. I don’t intend to. But Tri—”

  “I’m sure this is the reason neuro doctors don’t prescribe these types of pills. They’re too easy to get addicted to.”

  “Like I said, I’m scared of what’s going to happen without them.” It had been a nasty hit. He was sure that the pain that first night was just a small taste of what was to come.

  “I’ll be by your side. We’ll get through it. Together.”

  But he knew better. He’d heard horror stories of the pain and seclusion. The mood swings. Sometimes it was even worse than all that combined. It terrified him. “I promise I’m done with them. I… I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know, babe. I know.”

  Sam pulled her into his chest and held her tight. He needed to deal with this head-on. He needed to get better for his family and for his career. He would keep his promise because he loved her, but at what cost?