The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes

by Jennifer Crusie

  ‘One of the beanbag chairs sprung a leak. I tried to fix it with duct tape, but I think it’s dead. He has green eyes, Mare. He’s like-’

  Dreama hoisted herself up on the counter and smacked into the stack of DVDs, and Mare, her hands full of receipts, caught them with her mind, blipping down them mentally to hold each one separately, trying to dampen any little blue sparks so Dreama didn’t see. She shot a glance at Dreama, who was still talking, all Jude Green all the time.

  Okay, then, Mare thought and let go of the DVDs. She looked at the stack with pride: she was getting good. It had taken years of practice, but now with concentration, she could stack DVDs with her mind almost as well as with her hands.

  God, she had the suckiest power in the family.

  Mare realized that Dreama had stopped talking and was smiling past her, swinging her legs against the counter and biting her lower lip. Mare turned around.

  Ah, yes, the VP Smooth gleaming blond hair. Glistening deep green eyes. A broad curving smile. All aimed at her, dressed in a very expensive charcoal-gray suit and very ugly green tie, topped off with a silver tie tack that gleamed almost as brightly as his teeth. Gimme a raise, Pretty Boy.

  ‘Miss O’Brien?’ the vision said. ‘Ciao! I’m Jude Green, vice president in charge of sales for Value Video!!’ He took in her coveralls and faltered a little, evidently expecting more tailoring and less Anti-Pesto from his assistant managers.

  Ciao? ‘Nice to meet you, Jude.’ Mare shook his hand. It was a little damp, but not completely offputting. ‘So, you’re from Italy?’

  He nodded. ‘Originally from France, but then we migrated to Italy. Just over the border.’

  ‘Oh, you’re French,’ Dreama said, practically swooning.

  He looked at Mare’s overalls again, shook his head, and then soldiered on. ‘I’d like to talk to you.’

  ‘I’ll just go check that beanbag chair.’ Dreama boosted herself off the counter, grinning like an idiot.

  Mare smiled at the VP but before he could say anything, Brandon Upshot, the O’Briens’ paper boy, came up to the counter with a girl who looked familiar, which wasn’t unusual. Everybody looked familiar in Salem’s Fork. What didn’t look familiar was Brandon looking nervous. Brandon could hit the front porch with the daily paper dead center, eyes closed, while riding his bike no hands, just like magic. Brandon had nerves of steel.

  Brandon looked like he was going to throw up.

  First girlfriend, Mare thought and told the VP ‘With you in a minute.’ She smiled at Brandon. I’m Queen of the Universe and I’ve got your back, babe. Calm down.

  ‘We’d like to reserve the love seat for the nine o’clock show,’ the girl said, a giggle in her voice, and Brandon blushed.

  ‘Let me check.’ Mare pulled out the clipboard that listed the seating available. ‘For the nine o’clock, the big couch is gone and the two La-Z-Boys, and all the beanbag chairs, but amazingly yes, the love seat is available and is now yours for the nine o’clock showing of The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Excellent choice, Brandon.’

  The girl looked at him with new respect. People knew Brandon. Brandon was somebody.

  Brandon got calmer.

  The VP moved closer.

  Watch and see how the pros do customer service in Salem’s Fork, Ciao-hound. Mare smiled at the girl. ‘Do I know you?’

  ‘I’m Katie Rose,’ the girl said. ‘My mom works at the bank with your sister.’

  ‘Oh, sure, Linda Rose, right?’ When Katie nodded, Mare said, ‘Good to see you again, Katie.’ She handed the clipboard to Brandon. ‘Write your name and Katie’s and your phone number right there.’ She pointed at the blank space for the love seat sign-up.

  Brandon took the pencil with nervous fingers, and Mare saw it start to roll out of his loose grasp. She froze it long enough for him to get a grip on it and begin the serious business of writing his name and Katie’s together on the same line, then she glanced at Katie. She was smiling at Brandon, adoration in her eyes.

  I used to smile at Crash like that, Mare thought, and then evicted Crash from her mind to glance back at Jude Green. He was watching her, not the customers. So much for his interest in public relations. ‘So you’re a vice president,’ she said to him, folding her arms and leaning back against the counter. ‘What brings you to Salem’s Fork?’

  Jude moved a little closer. ‘We understand you had a disturbing event this week.’

  ‘Disturbing?’ Mare said, thinking, Oh, hell, William. ‘I don’t recall anything disturbing. There’s never anything disturbing here. We don’t do disturbing. Everything’s under control.’ My control. Gimme a raise and go away.

  A sulky boy came up to the counter and shoved Brandon aside to drop Girls Gone Wild Cleveland in front of her. ‘Great flick,’ the boy said to Mare. He nudged the tall kid who’d followed him to the counter. ‘It’s got naked chicks in it. Topless.’

  He looked back at Mare as if to say, How about that, baby? and she picked up the DVD to sign it out, repressing the urge to smack him upside the head with it since Jude Green was standing right there. The VP was stifling her flair. Another good reason to become queen of Value Video!!: stomp out all that flairstifling.

  ‘Cool. Naked chicks,’ the other kid said. Mare squinted at him. He looked to be a junior in high school. One of the Bannisters. They all had those noses that turned up at the end like elf shoes.

  Mare ran the rental automatically while she tried to figure out Jude Green’s angle – why would he care about William and the rope? – and kept an eye on the sulky kid.

  ‘You’re coming back here to see a puppet movie?’ he said to Brandon. ‘Chick flick. Guess she picks out the movies, huh?’

  Brandon flushed, Katie stepped closer to him, and Mare gritted her teeth.

  Jude Green was still watching. Not a good time to take steps with a customer.

  ‘Whipped,’ the sulky boy said to Brandon.

  On the other hand, Mare thought, this is my universe.

  ‘You,’ she said to the sulky boy, handing him his credit card receipt. ‘Sign that. And you,’ she said, turning to the younger boy. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Algy Bannister,’ the tall kid said, looking wary.

  ‘Algy.’ Mare leaned forward. ‘Before you now are two possibilities, two paths you may take. One is represented by your buddy here’ – she jerked her thumb at the sulky boy -’the guy with the boobs-and-butts movie. The other is represented by Brandon, the one coming back to see Wallace and Gromit solve The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. You understand the choice that lies before you, grasshopper, a choice that could determine your future happiness and satisfaction?’

  ‘Hell, yes,’ Algy said, and reached for Girls Gone Wild.

  Mare slammed her hand down on it, making Jude jump. ‘One thing to consider. This guy you’re with…’ She looked at the sulky boy’s Value Video!! membership card. ‘Shawn. Shawn is going home with you tonight to watch this video, right?’

  ‘Right,’ Algy said, confused.

  ‘But Brandon is going to be sitting on a love seat tonight with his arm around Katie.’

  Algy looked over at Katie, now linking her hand through Brandon’s arm protectively.

  ‘The thing about chick flicks,’ Mare said to Algy, ‘is that chicks like them.’ She picked up Girls Gone Wild and handed it to Shawn. ‘Here’s your dick flick. Enjoy’

  ‘Funny,’ Shawn said, handing back the signed receipt.

  Algy said, ‘Yeah, funny,’ but he watched Katie smile at Brandon.

  ‘Choose wisely,’ Mare said. ‘Do not listen to the words of others who have chosen a lesser path, but follow your bliss.’

  Shawn snorted but he looked confused.

  Algy thought about it. ‘Girls Gone Wild’ he said defiantly, and high-fived with Shawn.

  Mare shook her head sadly as they left, probably taking her raise with them. ‘Next thing you know, it’ll be human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together.’

  ‘Pardon
?’ Jude said.

  ‘Ghostbusters,’ Mare said, and took the clipboard from Brandon and Katie, smiling at them as they left.

  ‘So everything’s under control,’ Jude said with a definite undercurrent of censure in his voice.

  ‘Yes,’ Mare said. ‘Algy gets to choose. It’s that whole free will thing.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound like control to me.’

  Mare frowned at him. ‘Do not confuse control with tyranny, Jude. That mistake has screwed up entire continents. Imagine what it could do to a video store.’ She cocked her head at him. ‘So, why are you here?’

  ‘Your manager tried to hang himself,’ Jude said.

  ‘Not really.’ Mare went back to tidying up the counter, radiating unconcern as hard as possible. ‘Besides, it’s all taken care of now, William is just fine, and everything is under control.’

  ‘Could you tell me what happened, please?’

  Mare sighed and leaned back against the counter. ‘Well, I’m in charge of the weekend events and tonight we’re showing Curse of the Were-Rabbit and tomorrow night Corpse Bride, and then Sunday we’re doing a triple feature of the Were-Rabbit, Corpse Bride, and Howl’s Moving Castle, so when I was making the posters earlier this week, I wanted to call it ‘Scare the Shit Out of Your Kids Weekend,’ but William said I couldn’t advertise anything with ‘shit’ in it. So I changed it to ‘Scare the Stuffing Out of Your Kids Weekend’ and did this display with dolls with the stuffing coming out of them, but William said that was too gruesome. So then I put up a sign that said, ‘Scare Your Kids Silly Weekend’ with photos of kids crossing their eyes and sticking their tongues out at the camera, and William went in the back room and tried to hang himself, and I found him and cut him down. And we’ve got almost a hundred people signed up to come for the three days combined and that’s not counting the dropins so I’m thinking it’s going to be another huge success for the Salem’s Fork Value Video!!’ She beamed at him.

  Jude did not beam back. ‘As I understand it, he talked to you before he hung himself.’

  ‘Well, yes, but that wasn’t because of me,’ Mare said, thinking, Jesus wept, what is this, Pin It on Mare Weekend? ‘He’d brought the rope from home.’

  ‘And…’ Jude consulted his clipboard. ‘He left a note that said, ‘Blame it on Netflix.’

  ‘Who told you about the note?’

  ‘Uh,’ Jude said, his eyes sliding over to where Dreama was restocking the games, looking like an efficient Catholic School Girl, which was probably a vice-presidential fantasy.

  Dreama looked up and saw him looking at her and blushed.

  Traitor, Mare thought and turned back to Jude, smiling. ‘Look, it wasn’t that big a deal. The rope would have broken anyway. It was really more like twine. I think it was a cry for help. Netflix really does depress the hell out of him. And anyway, it’s over. It’s fine. Moving on now-’

  ‘So you’ve been acting as manager all week.’ Jude turned back to survey the store. ‘Putting up all these displays-’

  ‘No, no, William’s been quieter but he’s been managing the place. I always do the promotion stuff. We’re right back to normal.’

  ‘Normal being Algy getting his lesson in free will.’

  ‘And Brandon and Katie getting their love seat to watch Wallace and Gromit,’ Mare pointed out. ‘Everybody’s happy. There are no problems here. We are back to normal. Not that we ever left normal. We are normal twenty-four/seven.’ She smiled, determinedly cheerful.

  ‘I wouldn’t call these displays normal. Unorthodox, maybe.’

  ‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’ Mare smiled at him harder. ‘Here’s the problem, Jude. The people who do the Value Video!! displays have souls made of plywood. They are pressed and cut to measure, Jude, they have no flair. I have flair’

  Jude looked around. ‘Yes, Miss O’Brien, I would have to agree you have flair. The furniture alone-’

  ‘Isn’t it great?’ Mare put as much bounce in her voice as possible. ‘It’s amazing the things people leave out in the street. A little paint and it’s better than new.’

  ‘I see,’ Jude said. And then there’s the display of ‘Movies

  That Are Much Worse Than They Sound’ over there. It’s almost empty.’

  ‘We can’t keep it filled, Jude,’ Mare said. ‘People just have to see for themselves. We’ve had to order more copies of Bell, Book, and Candle and Bewitched.’

  And the “Cry Till You Puke” display?’

  Mare leaned closer, trying to look confidential and trusting. ‘You know, weepers are not my thing. But if you’re into them, you really want to go the whole way. Beaches, Terms of Endearment, Shadowlands… Actually, Shadowlands is a damn good movie. Anyway, you want to be pointed to the ones that are going to get you there. It’s like emotional porn, you know? It isn’t really the story that matters, it’s getting that release.’

  ‘I see,’ Jude said, looking more interested.

  ‘Because that’s really what we’re selling here,’ Mare said. ‘Emotional catharsis, vicarious release. You want to experience the hell of war without getting killed? We have “Movies Your Recruiter Doesn’t Want You to See.” You want to know what it’s like to fall in love without having to get a background check on the person you’re dating? We got “Bad Dates Gone Good.” You want to know-’

  ‘Right,’ Jude said. ‘That’s all very interesting.’

  ‘I’ve been doing this for a while, Jude. Our sales are up. William was really happy about that. I think that’s why he used such thin rope. He knew there were good times ahead.’ She leaned back against the counter. ‘I can’t believe the central office sent you down here because William had one bad day.’

  ‘They didn’t.’

  Jude opened his mouth to go on and Mare braced herself for whatever was coming next, but then the door opened again and Algy came in, looking furtive.

  ‘Back with you in a minute,’ Mare said to Jude, and turned to face Algy. ‘Have you reconsidered your choice, grasshopper?’

  ‘Why do you keep calling me that?’ Algy said. Mare sighed. ‘What do you want?’

  Algy leaned over the counter, looking around to make sure he wasn’t overheard. ‘What kind of movies do chicks like?’

  ‘Luckily for you, I have a list.’ Mare reached under the counter for her accordion file of recommendations and flipped through it until she found one that was headed ‘Movies Girls Like.’ She pulled it out and handed it to him. ‘Of course it depends on the girl. But I have it broken down into the most common stereotypes.’

  Algy squinted at the list. ‘Yeah. This is good.’

  ‘And I’m pretty sure that if you reserve it now, the love seat is still open for the six-thirty show. If you know a girl, I mean.’

  ‘I know a girl,’ Algy said, looking first outraged, then thoughtful. ‘Yeah. Put me down for that.’

  Mare handed him the clipboard. ‘Put yourself down.’

  Algy filled out the clipboard and handed it back.’ He’d left the space for the other name blank. Probably a good idea until he’d found somebody to say yes.

  ‘You have chosen wisely,’ Mare intoned, and when Algy frowned at her, she said, ‘That’s from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’

  Algy looked confused again. So did Jude.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Mare said. ‘Just remember: no Girls Gone Wild. Ever.’

  ‘Right.’ Algy folded up his list and stuffed it in his pocket. ‘Thanks.’ He leaned closer. ‘Don’t tell Shawn.’

  ‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’ Mare stashed her recommendations folder under the counter again as the door closed behind Algy. Then she turned back to Jude.

  ‘That’s amazing,’ he said. ‘You are unstoppable.’

  I know.’

  ‘Dreama said you were Queen of the Universe, but I thought she was joking.’

  ‘She wasn’t. So why are you here exactly?’

  He flashed his smile at her, and she saw how attractive he was, now
that he wasn’t criticizing the place. ‘The head office sent me down because your sales have consistently been the highest in the area even though you have a relatively small customer base.’ He stepped closer. I’m assuming that’s because of you.’

  ‘And William,’ Mare said. ‘So we’re doing good. That’s great. Thanks for stopping by to tell us. Anything else’?’ Like a raise?

  ‘Oh, yes.’ He flashed his movie-star smile again. ‘I was sent to find out why the store was thriving and I think I have.’ He held out his hand. ‘Congratulations, Miss O’Brien. You are now the new manager of Salem’s Value Video!! Your salary will, of course, double.’

  He went on but his words faded as the dusty Tuscan sunlight swirled into the store in a cloud of coppery dust and that damn baby laughed again and Mare felt the whole place swing around her, and she said, ‘No.’

  Jude stopped. ‘No?’

  Mare swallowed. ‘No.’ She put her hand out to the counter, her whole world unsteady, thinking, Tell him yes, you idiot, it’s a raise, but she knew she didn’t want it, clear as that sunshine. ‘No, thank you, no, I don’t want to be manager.’

  Jude blinked slowly, his eyelids moving like shutters. ‘Was it the part where I said you’d have to behave normally, no funny stuff?’

  ‘No,’ Mare said, surprised. ‘I missed that part. What happened to William?’

  ‘We feel William will be happier in another line of work.’

  ‘No.’ Mare took a deep breath, surer every time she said it. ‘No, no, no.’ She took a step back and bumped her butt into the counter, knocking off a pencil and letting it roll to the floor. ‘We need William here. He’s the voice of reason. He does math. We need William as manager. I refuse to be manager. Go back in that office and tell William he still has a job.’

  Jude picked up the pencil and handed it to her. ‘Miss O’Brien… may I call you Mare?’

  Mare repressed an exasperated sigh. ‘Sure, Jude.’

  ‘Mare, I realize that some women have a fear of success-’

  ‘I’m not afraid of success. I embrace success. Success and I are practically twin souls. I just don’t want to manage a video store. Where’s the fun in that?’ As soon as she said it, she knew it was true.