Ad Infinitum Book One Master of the Nine Steps

by John Northern

PART ONE

  Death, you are the gate from hell

  From Heaven and fate as well

  To some you are the taker of love

  But you come from the maker above

  You are the blissful taker of woe

  But of woe you are a raker too slow

  If only the people would know

  If only to them I could show

  That you are a gate of joy

  But fate has made you coy

  So come to me when it be

  The time for thee

  To set me free

  And I shall know

  That it is so

  Oh how slow

  But to go

  From breath

  To death

  I stood

  Above

  Upon the ledge

  From under my foot

  A rock broke loose

  And fell

  Falling

  Over the ledge

  And

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  Down

  The jagged cliff

  I could hear it

  Clicking

  Clattering

  Far below

  Then

  No more,

  The noise had ceased

  From the falling down rock

  The gone - gone rock

  I stood upon the ledge

  And

  I felt

  The warmth of the sun

  Upon my face

  Yet

  Still

  The sun could not penetrate

  The darkness

  I stood

  And I looked

  Straining

  Yet

  Nothing appeared but shadows—vague

  Everything was gone

  "Yes"

  I thought

  "Everything is gone—

  Fallen into a maze

  Of nothingness

  Space

  Forever existent

  Black - gone is the color

  Of life

  The void

  With walls around

  Asquare -

  Leading nowhere—

  Gone is the goal

  Emptiness of life

  Forever,

  Trailing

  The dark paths—

  Around the corners of no importance

  And gone is the substance

  Trailing,

  Trailing in circles—

  Trailing forever

  The paths of no hope—

  And the way out

  Is gone

  Everything is gone

  Everything is gone

  But the lady

  Listen

  Black soul!

  Gone is everything

  But the lady

  Gone is the rain

  To fall upon her shining smile

  Gone the sun

  The shadow of her love

  Oh gone is the wind

  Blowing—

  Blowing her silk—

  Her hair

  Gone are the paths

  To move her gentle feet

  Gone the homes

  To keep her beauty

  Gone the deserts and the mountains

  The gardens

  To dance her soul

  Gone is Nature

  Gone is man

  Oh life,

  Bring her back

  Let her be

  Let her live

  Let her love

  But oh the darkness of life—

  Reality

  The winding blue tear

  Trailing to my sorrow

  Trailing the falling, falling heart

  Falling to whence it came

  Never again to rise

  Trailing to the soul

  To the soul

  To the fallen, fallen soul

  Oh God

  Gone is the world

  Gone is everything

  Oh soul

  Oh soul

  Gone is God

  To know

  Gone is my love"

  I remained

  Still

  Upon the ledge

  Shadows

  All around

  And blackness of mind

  The absence of color

  And

  The picture of nothingness

  I stood upon the ledge—

  Within,

  And shadows without,

  Surrounding

  I stood

  And I cried

  To my world

  "Where now is my life

  My love

  My family?

  "Oh grief

  Oh sorrow

  I am a man

  Not

  A character in a book

  I am relative

  And not yet

  The infinite

  I have emotions

  Like you and you

  And you

  And I too

  Can cry a tear

  "I long

  I sorrow for my love

  Since gone

  I sorrow for everything

  Gone

  "I cry

  And naught but nothingness

  Answers—

  Following

  My winding blue tear

  "Oh God

  Gone - gone

  My lady

  "The painful gone

  Of the one

  I love

  "Where are the mountains

  To catch my tears?"

  I asked

  I stood

  Silently

  In deep

  Black thought

  "Oh death—

  Let your doom

  Swoop down on me

  Fold out the light

  From these

  Mine eyes

  Let your wings cover

  Let your beak dash

  (Instrument at hand)

  Relief

  My soul free

  From this body

  Bound to dust

  "I am the man of sorrow

  I am the searcher

  Searching

  Now—

  For the lady"

  I searched the shadows

  And I searched the blackness

  And still

  I found nothing

  The blackness continued

  On and on

  Forever

  I stood searching

  Pondering

  Thoughts of sorrow

  I pondered my love

  Lost

  And my sun

  (For ages of eons) never found

  I pondered pounding the rocks below

  I pondered the fasting finish

  The mighty mountain

  And happiness love, too

  I thought of things

  And others

  For a long time

  Standing—

  And

  Into the depths of sorrow

  Sinking

  Through voids

  Of blackness

  "I shall

  And to the mighty mountain

  Travel

  Again

  To climb"

  I thought

  "Perhaps there

  At the end of this journey

  (Wherever it may end)

  I shall find

  My lady"

  I dwelled,

  A moment

  (No longer)

  A cool breeze

  Blew the darkness

  The emptiness

  Chilling

  "But

  As I go"

  I thought suddenly

  "This time

 
; The fasting finish—

  Both physical

  And mental—

  Neither food of earth—

  To strengthen my brain,

  Nor food of thought—

  To weaken my mind"

  I paused

  In sorrow

  Watching the darkness

  "Yes,

  The fasting finish

  To find my sun

  Perhaps—

  Perhaps yes or no

  But this time

  Truly to be

  A finish"

  I turned

  Moving away

  From the ledge—

  Still

  I could see

  Only shadows

  But

  Tripping

  Stumbling

  I reached the path

  "What means

  This—

  And

  By what means

  Is—

  This shadow world?

  "What strangeness

  Envelopes my mind?"

  Still

  The dampness

  Wet my cheeks

  Where the relief?

  I found a crooked branch

  And began tapping my way

  Away

  Along the mountain path

  "Even

  In this land of shadows

  If need be

  I shall

  To the mighty mountain

  And climb

  Again"

  Over my mind

  Dark thoughts

  Hung

  And I stumbled on

  Upon the twisting path

  Sorrow crowded my brain

  And the black of nothingness

  My mind

  But stumbling on

  Through the storm

  Of dark shadows

  Everywhere

  Everything

  The negative enveloper

  Upon this path

  I crept

  A slow, stumbling man

  A slow, stumbling pace

  In the shadows

  The time passed

  And the days

  And nights

  Always dark

  Undistinguished

  Unable to measure

  The amount of time

  Passing

  How many days had gone

  Groping through eternity

  Searching the sun

  I could not know—

  Stumbling

  Groping

  Sometimes falling

  Over fallen logs

  After awhile

  The effects of fasting

  Began to suffer

  My being

  Thousands of pricklings

  Pricked

  The wall of my veins,

  My arteries—

  Paining

  A craving

  Gnawed

  For replenishment

  To nourish my body

  My limbs grew weaker

  And stopping shorter distances

  Easing

  To rest longer rests

  Still

  Continuing

  I fasted on

  Moving slowly upon the path

  All around

  Always

  I could hear

  The life of the forest

  Chattering

  The squirrels would scamper

  And

  Bees would buzz close by

  Once the bellowing of a moose

  The birds became a sign

  Of night and day

  The chirping

  And

  The hooting

  Life stirred,

  Bringing a little

  (But not a lot)

  Of comfort

  Upon the path

  Stumbling

  Blindly on

  Continually—

  I thought

  Of the lady

  I knew

  She would want

  Of me, living

  To be happy

  And love life

  But mourning

  Embalmed my brain

  And

  I struggled

  Stretching slight

  To reach and hold

  The light of happiness

  In sorrow

  I continued on

  Through the shadows—dark

  Continuing my mourning

  Increasing the time of fasting

  To break down

  And break away the body

  "Oh prison

  Dungeon,

  Oh cells of my cell

  —To vanquish

  And let free my soul"

  Still

  I continued

  And

  Still

  I thought of the lady

  And happy love

  "Here then"

  I thought

  Sullenly

  "I am a hypocrite

  In my mourning

  Reaching

  To hold the thing

  I no longer believe—

  The happiness love

  Of the lady

  Teaching

  The great power

  Of life

  "And yet

  I remember her saying

  That hypocrisy is the first step

  In any direction

  Away

  "Perhaps

  She was right;

  Whether good or bad

  Positive or negative

  Think a thought

  Unbelieving

  And after a time

  Of constant thought

  It will become a belief

  And a part of your being

  "Yes

  Perhaps she was right

  And maybe to continue

  thinking of happiness in love

  Then perhaps. . ."

  These ideas

  And others,

  Contradictory

  To my mood,

  Stirred and agitated

  My mind

  As I thought of the lady—

  Telling to mourn not

  The death of one

  Close

  In sorrow

  I continued

  But I continued a thought

  Of love

  And I distanced on,

  Still

  Continuing

  The path stumbled,

  Groping under me

  I climbed

  With the path

  Up and down

  And rounding

  Around

  Turning bends

  But always climbing

  Passing

  Still

  I

  Passed the forest life

  Passing time

  Still

  On and on

  And on

  Then came the time

  When there rose

  A giant shadow

  Piercing

  The black sky

  And robbing from sight

  The meager light

  In the world

  Of vagueness—

  There stood before me

  The mighty mountain

  "Soon now

  And climbing

  Will be a steep path"

  I thought

  I watched the mountain—

  A dark shadow

  Looming in the near distance

  "Here I am—

  The base of the mountain

  "Here I am—

  The base of the low emotions,

  The bottom step,

  Struggling to climb up

  To break free

  From

  The sorrow

  Of the heart,

  The anger

  Of the brain,

  The hatred

  Of the mind

  "Enwrapped—

  The light

  Penetrates but slight

  When the essence is
violated,

  And mine becomes

  The world of shadows

  "Now

  I must climb

  The mountain of life

  And climb out

  Of this shadow world,

  Out of this mental depression,

  Out of this world of depravity

  "I must climb

  Up

  Upon the steps of life

  (I must not step

  Further down)

  "I must use

  The light of wisdom

  To illuminate

  To show the way

  Upon the steps

  "It is time

  To rise up—

  Leave behind

  This shadow world—

  Rise up

  To the world of light,

  To the world of colors

  (Beautiful shades of light)

  A step closer

  To infinite knowledge"

  I paused

  Only

  A moment longer

  As I searched the shadow

  Of the mighty mountain

  Then

  I moved on—

  The steep climb

  Searching

  For the light