Chapter 20
The next morning I woke up and frowned, noticing the bed next to me was empty. Connor had come in late, we spoke for about twenty minutes in bed before he was fast asleep. I didn't even stir when he left this morning. I hated that, I would have gladly gotten up at the crack of dawn to spend some time with him.
I got out of bed and stood before immediately sitting back on the bed. I felt extremely dizzy and nauseated all of a sudden. I thought back to the previous night. Ben and I had split a bottle of wine, but surely that wouldn't have that large of an effect on me. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, like a really bad hangover. I tried again and this time I was slightly more steady on my feet. I took a few steps toward the bathroom, but quickly sprinted as I felt the bile rise in my throat.
I crawled back into bed and laid under the covers. I groaned and clamped a hand over my clammy head. Finally the whirlwind that had been my life for the past four weeks was catching up to me in the form of a stomach bug. I had been on the go since I got out of the hospital and I knew how tired I felt, I should have snacked on some vitamin C as soon as I realized I was exhausted. I closed my eyes and within moments I was asleep.
The buzz of my phone woke me from a sound sleep around noon.
"Hello?" I tried to make my voice sound not so sleepy, though I clearly didn't succeed.
"Madison are you alright? It's nearly noon. I didn't wake you did I?" Connor's concerned voice was smooth and comforting.
"I'm sick, just a little stomach bug. I was just taking a nap, but I'm glad you woke me. How are you?"
"Well now I'm worried about you. You weren't sick last night were you? Do you need me to bring you something." His tone was changing from smooth to frantic by the second.
"I'm fine, I promise. I actually feel a lot better now. I've just been going nonstop recently, it's caught up to me. I'm going to take it easy today."
"Yes ma'am, you're not to do any unpacking. I am making sure to leave here on time tonight, and I'll do it for you. You can tell me where to put things." His calm tone had begun to return.
"I don't mind getting to boss you around. I miss you, when did you leave this morning?"
"I was here around five. We just about have this disaster taken care of. I can leave the guys on autopilot tonight. The university is breathing down my neck to get this done, but they are overjoyed at the administrative offices. That buys me some time."
Hearing Connor talk about the university made me remember that I hadn't gotten to tell him about the job yesterday. It had slipped my mind. "I almost forgot to tell you, I have news for you when you get home. But you've got to wait until then." I was suddenly excited.
"Not even a hint?"
"Nope."
"Well I might just have to get out of here earlier than because if you make it a big deal, it must be huge. I can't wait. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Everyday until you know. I've got to go baby, I'll let you know when I leave. Bye sweetheart.
"Bye." I clicked the end call button and laid still, taking inventory of my body. My headache was all but gone and I didn't feel quite so clammy. I pulled the blankets off of me and I slowly sat up. My fogginess and light-headedness was gone.
"Not bad." I said aloud as I slowly stood up. My stomach felt a little disoriented, but then growled loudly. I padded into the kitchen and made myself some coffee and toast. I cleaned my dishes, waiting for my body to fight the toast but was pleasantly surprised when I felt good. I quickly showered and started my day of unpacking.
"Honey, I'm home." Connor came through the front door, calling out. It was all it took not to run and jump in his arms like a cliche.
"I'm so glad. I missed you so much." I smiled even brighter seeing him standing there and in his hand was a bouquet of beautiful flowers.
I walked up to him and kissed him. "Thank you."
"You're very welcome baby. I'm going to hop in the shower and get out of these work clothes. Give me ten minutes." He gave me another kiss on my forehead as he headed back to the bathroom.
I sniffed the flowers on my walk into the kitchen. It was then I noticed a small card for the first time.
Madison,
I love everything about you. You are amazing. I cannot wait until the day I get to marry you. And to think, I had to clobber you with a door to get you to notice me!
Connor
I smiled at his card and put the flowers in a vase with some water.
Connor smelled amazing when he came from the shower. His wet hair brushed back, smelling of his body wash mixed with just plain him. People talk about smells being able to conjure memories. His smell was one that made me remember love and safety and comfort. I hugged him tight and just rested my head on his chest for a few moments.
"You ok?" His tone was slightly concerned.
"Perfect actually. Just missed you."
"I missed you too baby, how are you feeling?"
"Good. Maybe it was just the wine from last night with Ben. I felt better after I hung up with you." I pulled away and stood on my toes to plant a soft kiss on his cheek. I went to the stove to turn it on, but Connor led me around to sit on a stool at the kitchen island.
"No ma'am, rest. Just sit and talk. I haven't heard enough of your beautiful voice lately, and I do believe you have something to tell me. I've been trying to play it off, like I'm not anxious to know." His grin nearly stopped me dead in my tracks. To see his big smile made me weak in the knees and absolutely, irresistibly in love with him.
"I'm not going to tell you anything, but I do want to show you something." I pulled the letter from my purse and brought it back to my seat, putting it on the island.
Connor picked it up and began reading. I saw his expression change from concentration, to slight confusion, to a face that nearly had his eyes popping out of his head.
"Madison, they want you to take the job? How? I thought you didn't apply." The unspoken hung in the air and I quickly wondered how long that elephant was going to be hiding amongst us.
"Ben did. He turned in my application for me and they want me to take the job."
"I'm really proud of you. You deserve this. I know you wanted it." He walked over to me and hugged me, giving me a kiss on the top of the head.
"I did. I had no idea he'd even applied. This is what I've wanted."
He smiled at me before his face turned serious.
"I'm saying this in a 'I'm really proud of you, but I want you to have options' kind of way. If you don't want to work, you don't have to. I'm not saying you can't, I'm just saying. I want to give you the world and I want you happy."
"Connor, I'm lonely all day. I am a creature of habit. I know you've never gotten to see this because nothing has ever been normal since I've known you, but I need routine. This is my dream job and I want it and I don't want you to be upset."
I felt a tug deep in my chest as he looked at me. His face was serious, but his eyes were deep and almost glassy.
"It is impossible for me to be upset if you are happy. There is nothing I want more. Everyday I can survive because I know you are here and safe and hopefully happy. My world starts and ends with you baby. I get up in the morning knowing you're going to be here when I get home."
I smiled at him across the island. I had never considered the connotation and depth of the word blessed until recently. Here I was sitting in the most amazing house in the world, with a man who has already been through hell with me, yet still wants me. And he is telling me that I'm the one who deserves to be happy. Fairytales had nothing on this.
"I want to do this."
"Then so it will be. Let's celebrate baby."
The remainder of the night was spent with a light dinner made by Connor, a very small amount of wine and the most perfect night any woman could ask for with the man of her dreams.
Chapter 21
The next few days passed as normal. I enjoyed nights spent with Connor, never having to spend days apart was wonderful.
It amazed me how quickly my life felt complete with only him. Though it was Saturday morning Conner had already left the house. He had a few errands to run and was stopping to see his father. Though his condition was stable, his last episode had deteriorated his condition further.
I spent Saturday morning unpacking a few boxes in the office. Connor had one of the bedrooms converted to a fully functioning office, both for him and myself. It was wonderful to have the space to spread out things we needed.
Putting books on the bookshelf, I was interrupted by my phone.
"Hey Ma, how are you?"
"Well I am just fine. How are you?" It had been awhile since I had seen my mother and it was actually comforting to hear her voice.
"I'm good. I miss you actually. I think you should come for dinner early next week. By then everything should be a lot less messy."
"I think that sounds good. I'd love to see what you've done so far. How is Connor?"
"He's good, he's gone to see his dad. I feel awful Ma. I don't know what to do. He's not doing well and Conner is putting on a brave face but I know he is tore up." I felt tears coming to my eyes at the thought of Connor suffering in silence.
"Ma, he's so good to me, I feel like I can't return that goodness. I'm not as open as him, I can't express things the way he does." By now tears were streaming down my face. All of a sudden I was overcome with emotion, I couldn't hold it in.
"He loves you Madison, take it for what it is. If he loves you for what you are then all is well. I can't remember the last time you cried to me. Is everything ok?"
"Everything is great Ma, I just feel so overwhelmed. I don't even know about what. I just feel like nothing I'm doing is enough. I have no reason to feel that way. I am literally the happiest I've ever been!" I was exasperated now. I felt like I was sinking on the Titanic all of a sudden.
"Madison, relax. Are you about to get your period, my goodness sweetheart. Everything is ok. Let it stay that way." Her voice was calm, but with a hint of worry.
"That's probably it. That would explain a lot. I just want him to be ok and I want it to be something I can do for him that makes him ok. He saves me everyday." I took a couple books from the box and reached to put them on the shelf. I nearly dropped the phone when something caught my eye. "Ma, let me call you back." Before I even let her answer I ended the call and put my phone on the desk.
It couldn't be right. There was no way it was already the end of the month. The calendar on the wall had to be lying. I knew time was passing quickly, but that seemed like a long time. I pulled up the calendar on my phone and went back a month. There it was, the symbol that made my heart drop into my stomach. According to last month I was already three weeks late, that couldn't be.
The next hour passed in a whirlwind. I threw on moderately respectable clothes and went in and out of the drug store like a bat out of hell. I sat shaking in the bathroom. Those five minutes seemed to last at least three hours. All four sticks sat on the counter. I glanced at my phone every 10 seconds, waiting for the five minute mark. Finally, the clock turned and I took a deep breath. I didn't release it until it came out in one big sob.
What in the world was I going to do? This couldn't be right. Could four tests be wrong? How was it possible? I knew I had put off going to the doctor, but Connor had always been so careful not to forget. I was almost certain he never forgot.
"Holy shit, what am I going to do?" I knew nobody could hear me, but I had to get it out in the air.
"Madison, you ok in there?" Connor was standing outside the door, his voice making me jump. I immediately began gathering boxes and plastic sticks into the plastic bag they had arrived in. Shit, he was home. I needed to process this, I was much too freaked out to have to see him.
"I'm, um, I'm fine. Just tidying up. Gonna take a shower. I'll be out in a little bit." I tried to make my voice sound as strong as possible, but I knew it had cracked once or twice.
"Alright, if you're sure you're alright. I brought home some doughnuts from the bakery."
I turned on the shower. I couldn't speak anymore. I was frantic and I was way into panic mode. I stripped down and spent a second examining myself in the mirror. Did I look fatter? That's impossible. I had a period just six weeks ago.
I quickly climbed in the shower and sat on the seat inside. What the hell, this has got to be a nightmare. How was I ever going to tell Connor that, hey, we are barely moved in and we haven't even started planning a wedding, but uh surprise, you're gonna be a dad! There's no way. We had talked about kids, and agreed we both wanted some but that was years in the future. Connor was much too busy and I was just getting my legs stretched in my own career. Oh goodness, the job! How in the hell was I going to have a baby when I just got this new position? This had to be fake. A dream. This happened in cheesy Lifetime movies, this wasn't my life. I would have planned my exact due date if it were up to me. My life didn't have surprises, especially not growing human being ones.
I was so stupid. I had canceled my appointment last month because of the move and hadn't rescheduled. I knew I had to go, and I had planned to ask to be put on the pill, but I hadn't made time. Dammit, it's my fault. It's my fault I put it in someone else's hands. I didn't blame Connor, of course. I just liked to be in control, and if I were in control this wouldn't have happened. I was so stupid.
I sat there for a few more minutes, thinking about what possible reasons there could be that this was not real, but none came to mind. I figured Connor would be looking for me soon so I quickly washed my hair, rinsed and turned off the water.
I stuffed the plastic bag with some toilet paper and tissues so that you couldn't see through it and tied it tightly. I slid on my bathroom and opened the door. Good, Connor wasn't waiting in the bedroom for me.
I went into spy mode. Checking around corners before I walked down hallways. I amazingly made it to the door leading out to the garage and put the bag in the trashcan.
"What are you doing?" Connor's smooth voice was right behind me and made me jump about three feet high.
"Shit, you scared me. That's nothing, I just cleaned up the bathroom. Just some trash." I tried to calmly breathe. I closed the door behind me and plastered the first smile I ever had to fake with him on my face.
"I'm sorry. Come eat. I saved you a few bites." Connor smiled brightly and took my hand. Leading me into the kitchen. I sat at the island at the place he had set for me. A delicious looking doughnut, a cup of coffee and some yogurt.
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. "You're beautiful. It really should be illegal to look like you." His hands tried to wander into my robe, but I shook him off.
"Uh, this looks really good." I took a big bite of the doughnut and the moment the sweetness hit my tongue I knew it was not going to go down. My stomach immediately turned over, warning me what would happen if I swallowed that bite. I chewed without swallowing.
"Hey, why don't you go look at what I did in the office, see if you like it," I said through my mouthful of now soggy doughnut.
Connor started walking toward the office and I leapt from the stool and spit the doughnut into the garbage.
"Now I'm practically begging for the damn flu."
"That looks good. I think the bookcases will fit well there." Again, I slightly jumped at the sound of his voice.
His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. "Baby, you doing ok? You're awful jumpy. Did you have a nightmare?" He was immediately by my side, his hands on either side of my face. He was looking at me with those glassy, concerned and beautiful eyes. I couldn't help thinking that I hoped a baby would have those eyes. I quickly dismissed that thought.
"No, I'm fine. Promise." At the sound of my promise his eyes went back to playful and electric.
"My dad was asking about you. He wanted to know where my pretty lady was. I told him that the pretty lady would be seeing him later this week. I've known him for over thirty years, and he can't remember who I am. He knows you for what? Two months? And he's be
gging for you to come. See the effect you have on people of all ages?" He smiled at me, showing me he was just playing and wasn't really upset.
That smile, and those eyes and his carefree attitude made my eyes burn with tears. How could I tell him that I was about to end his world? What would he say? What would he do? The possibilities of the last question ran through my mind and I almost broke down right there.
"Madison, I can see that there is something wrong. Did I do something? If I did something to upset you, please tell me. I never want to hurt you." There was the glass again, the furrowed brows, a sad look on a beautiful face. I couldn't hold the dam any longer.
Until You Believe Me Page 14