I erupted into a fit of sobs, leaning over the island. I couldn't breathe. I felt my hands start to go numb and my chest felt like a million pond. I was drowning, and heavy, and I couldn't get above water.
"Madison, what's wrong. Breathe sweetheart. Take a deep breath." One of his hands was wrapped around mine and the other was scooping me from the chair and carrying me into the living room. We sat on the couch as he rocked me in his lap. Rubbing my back, whispering that he loved me and I needed to breathe. After A few minutes I felt the tension in my chest release and I was suddenly completely exhausted. I fought a losing battle with my eyes and they finally won, covering my world in darkness.
Chapter 22
The room was brightly lit with the midday sun. My eyes opened and immediately landed on Connor, who was asleep with his head back against the couch. I was still fully in his lap and his arms were locked tightly around me. The moment he felt me stir his eyes popped open and settled on my face.
"Hey baby, how are you?" His hand was stroking my hair.
"Better." I felt utterly comfortable and content. The little thought in the back of my mind, I pushed back and wouldn't let it break through. I wanted to be here with Connor, like this, like normal. We had just got normal and I wasn't about to take it away yet.
"You had me scared to death sweetheart. What was that about?" His voice was barely a whisper.
"I'm not sure. I just couldn't breathe and then I couldn't talk."
"Madison, I can look at your face and know something is wrong. Please don't hide from me. Again, I mean no harm by this, but you're not exactly an open book. I need you to let me in once and awhile."
He was right, of course. I knew about my emotional shortcomings. He had known about them too, very early in our relationship. Hell, we were still very early in our relationship and here I was, about to throw something too serious into a young relationship.
I crawled off of his lap and stood in front of the couch. Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to tell him news that I had only been living with for about three hours now? His face was so serious and covered in genuine concern. I knew not knowing was hurting him, I hated to hurt him. But would this hurt more?
"Connor, I need to tell you something, extremely serious. It is not something I've had much time to process, but I feel like you deserve to know." He was sitting up, giving me his undivided attention.
"Are you leaving me?" His question was so matter-of-fact and direct that I almost felt as if he had physically wounded me. Here I was terrified to tell him about something we had already talked about, albeit not for our immediate future, but it was a positive conversation. Yet Connor was thinking a different direction completely. Worse than his directness was his face. He looked broken. His eyes were sad, his face was etched with lines of worry and sadness.
"Of course not. Connor, never, literally, never is that going to happen." I spoke so urgently, trying to will away the pitiful look on his face. He visibly relaxed though was still extremely serious.
"Then I can handle anything else you have to say. That is the only thing I could not survive." I closed my eyes and tried to hold myself together. Now was not the time for him to be sweet.
"Connor, I think that I'm pregnant." I closed my eyes, hoping that would magically soften the blow. After a few seconds of silence I cautiously opened them.
Connor was still in the same spot, sitting still like a statue. I searched his face for some sort of sign of his reaction. The worry was gone, the sad puppy eyes were gone. It was just utter stillness.
"Connor?" I was starting to panic. I had expected a fit, yelling, loud bangs, not stillness and silence.
"Who?" I was confused by the word for several seconds. How was that a valid reply? Then finally it clicked what he meant.
"You've got to be fucking joking. You, you asshole. How dare you ask that." I went from nervous to infuriated in 3.4 seconds. I had never spoken to him that way but then again he had never utterly insulted me.
"That's impossible. It's impossible Madison. I have never forgotten. Not once. I know for a fact. I was trying to avoid this exact situation. So I'll ask again, who?" His eyes were like stone. I had never seen this look from him. There wasn't a twinkle of any emotion on his face. I wanted to scream, the first time had stung, the second time was utterly soul destroying.
"You're an ass Connor. I'm here, telling you about this ordeal that I've known about for less than 4 hours and you're asking me who I cheated on you with. Fuck you. It's no wonder I have never been able to let my guard down in my life with how understanding the whole asshole male species is." I walked from the room, anger replacing my worry two hundred percent. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my purse from off of the dining room table. I dug around for my keys as I walked back out of the kitchen to the other side of the living room, to the door leading out to the garage. I whipped around when I felt a hand grab my upper arm. Immediately he snapped his hand back to his body and his eyes were soft once again.
His eyes darted from my arm to his hand, back once more and then to my face.
"Madison...I didn't." He looked like a puppy who was awaiting punishment.
I slammed the door behind me jumped into my car. I started it up, my eyes staying glued to the door. It never opened, even as I pulled out of the garage and down the driveway.
Chapter 23
I drove aimlessly. I had nowhere to go except away to shed my anger. How dare he? How dare he lay it on me, like I'm a horrible cheater. The more I thought about it, the accusation in his tone the more and more angry I got. I thought about going to my mom's but decided I wasn't quite ready to share the joyful news.
I hadn't known what to expect from Connor, but it wasn't that. I did not see that one word question. What hurt the most was that he thought I was capable of that. I had been called many things through the years, but cheater was not one of them. I was in love with him and told him so daily. That was a big step for me. He should understand that.
Then the next thought pulled on my already heavy heart. He might not understand that. We barely knew each other. We had been through a traumatic experience and that bond created false sense of relationship security? Is that what this was? I glanced at the ring on my left finger. Was this a symbol of love or of pity? Did he feel that an engagement would help me to get over what had happened? Did he feel so sad for poor little me that he felt obligated to try to fix it through proposing? Worse than pity, was this a symbol of obligation?
Those thoughts coupled with my anger encouraged me to turn onto the highway. I traveled slightly above the speed limit. Enjoying the empty road ahead of me. I felt the more space I put between him and I, the more I could forget the troubling thoughts that were starting to worm their way in to my brain.
I didn't stop driving until I pulled into the familiar parking lot. It was Saturday so naturally there were no cars. I heard the familiar sound of hammers and saws off into the distance. I turned off the car and sat. I didn't know why I ended up here, it just felt like this was the place to flee to.
I wandered down the familiar sidewalk. It seemed strange to think that while my life had been on hold for a couple weeks, the rest of the world went on. Classes had ended and a new building had been started. How could they keep moving when I felt utterly stuck at a complete standstill?
I opened the door before I knew it and couldn't stop myself. The familiar trailer looked exactly the same. The only difference were a few photos of us were taped to the wall behind his desk. Us in front of the house, taken the day that he had asked me to move in and marry him. A photo of his father and I, taken a few days after I had been released from the hospital. I didn't recognize the last photo, it was of me, working in the house, I was examining something closely in the living room. As much as I didn't care for the me part of the photo the lighting coming in the huge windows was absolutely amazing. I ran my fingers over them and sat down in his desk chair.
I sat, just staring into the space of
his wide desk. I noticed a corner of a piece of paper, the handwriting looked like mine. I moved some of the paperwork on his desk aside. Under the plastic desk protector was the note I had written Connor. That seemed years ago, not little more than a month. He had kept it though. Not only that, but he had made a small attempt at keeping it clean and safe.
That man who had sent me notes could not have been the same man who accused me of such nonsense. That man was sweet and kind, almost to a fault. He was not ugly or hateful. He certainly never would have touched me in any kind of forceful way. I sat back in the chair wondering how this all could be. How did I end up here? This was not how I had expected my life with Connor would begin.
I suddenly felt exhausted. I left the trailer and made the walk to the administrative building. I felt shaky and nervous as I neared the door. I had not been prepared to end up here, I didn't have my ID card to scan. I was about to turn around when someone came out of the building. I thanked them and walked in. It didn't take me long to get to my office. I stood in the door frame for a few minutes. In my head I knew the few places I had been in the short time that this space belonged to me. The dark place that I had retreated to that night threatened to unleash the memories as I stared at the space next to my desk.
I walked around the office, stepping over the invisible space on the floor that I couldn't bear to physically touch and sat in my chair. Two months ago my life was normal. That word had come up a lot lately. Two months ago I knew hat was coming. I knew what each day held. And now here I was in a world of uncertainty. I decided to use one of my old coping mechanisms and began my list.
Things I was certain of:
I love Connor
I never have and never would cheat on him
I was happy with our life (before this morning)
I had a new job I was excited about
I was going to have a baby (unless somehow four pregnancy tests were wrong)
Just seeing his name on the paper made my heart skip a beat. I had walked out when we needed to stay together the most. He had hurt me, yes. He had tried to keep me there and immediately regretted how he did it. I hadn't thought he'd hurt me, but he knew better than to be any type of forceful. I remembered his face when he thought I was leaving him and isn't that what I had done? I had left him alone to deal with this mess. I was alone but that was voluntary. I had given him no choice in the matter. I loved him and I had walked away at the first sign of struggle. He had never left my side even when things were at their darkest.
I practically jumped from the chair and crossed the office. I stopped in the doorway, there was a thought that was trying to make itself clear and come forward but it wasn't quite there. I dismissed it and practically ran to my car. I hadn't been fair, neither had he, but two rights didn't make a wrong. They would cause me to lose the man that I loved.
I pulled into the driveway in record time. I hardly believed that already four hours had passed. I didn't even pull in to the garage. I parked in the middle of the driveway, turning the car off and jumped out. I sprinted up the front steps and threw open the front door. Connor was not in the living room, I practically ran into him as he came from the kitchen. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Every ounce of worry, fear, anger was mixed in that hug. HIs arms were holding me just as tightly and I could feel him shaking.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have done it. I'm so sorry." I sobbed into his chest. He rubbed the back of my head and shushed me quietly. I could feel him pulling in ragged breaths.
"I wasn't fair to you Madison, I drove you to go. I'm sorry. I didn't know how to handle it. I'm sorry I put my hand on you, I just didn't want you to leave." His voice was hoarse and full of emotion. We stood this way in silence for awhile. Finally Connor pulled back and leaned down to kiss me. "I thought I had made you leave. I was so scared I drove you away when you weren't back." He took my hand in his very gently and together we sat on the couch.
"Madison, I didn't really think you had been unfaithful. Well, in the moment I did because I couldn't come up with a logical explanation. It wasn't fair of me, I'm sorry."
My eyes filled with tears as he spoke. EVery word took effort from him and he was still shaking a little. His face was so full of worry lines and darkness. I missed my handsome, bright eyed amazing man.
"I would never do that. It's hard enough for me to deal with my emotions with you, let alone bringing in more confusion. It would never happen." I felt my anger simmering as I thought about how quickly he jumped to that conclusion.
"I know that. I just don't understand it, it's impossible, I swear to you." His eyes went down to his hands as he started to focus on them. I believed him, I didn't think he was trying to escape blame.
"Well, regardless this is the situation we're in. What do we do?" I was scared of this question. His answer could possibly change our relationship.
"We do what you decide. I love you Madison, more than anything in my life. I am yours until you don't want me anymore. I love you and depending on what you decide, I will love our child too. Anything that is part you will be absolutely perfect."
Again, he surprised me. I didn't know what I expected him to say, but an unwavering acceptance of this situation wasn't it.
"Well that's not an option. I'm sorry but it really is me and a baby or nothing. I don't want that to sound mean but it's not an option for me."
His face softened and he pulled me to him. I rested my back and body against his chest. He was warm and smelled like the man I loved. "I love you Madison. I am more than happy to be having a baby with the love of my life." His voice was barely a whisper.
For the first time in the longest day in history I relaxed every muscle in my body. I let out a breath that I'm sure had been lurking deep in my lungs for hours. I didn't know if we would always be this happy once the newness of this whole situation passed but I felt content to be here with him right now.
"What are you going to do about your mom?" I could hear the little bit of a smile in his voice. I hadn't thought of her to be honest. After calming down and hearing that Connor was committed to this I hadn't given any other repercussions any thought.
"Well, she's going to freak out. I don't know whether that's going to be a good freak out or a bad freak out. She's either going to love you more or try to murder you on the spot."
I heard his chuckle as I rested on his chest. The sound spread a warm feeling through my entire body.
"I'm going to take some time off, we'll go to the doctor together, if you want me there."
Another thing I hadn't thought of. I'd spent every dinner with a glass or two of wine. I needed to make appointment to see a doctor.
"I'll call on Monday and schedule for later in the week, there isn't much you'll be able to do. I guess you should work for as long as you can. I'll need you later on." My mind starting reeling with all of the things that a baby impacted. I was getting nervous again.
"We'll make it through this sweetheart, a baby between two people who love each other is not the worst thing in the world." He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back. His ability to comfort me in such small ways would never get old.
Chapter 24
"Well Mrs. Branson, it does appear that you are pregnant indeed. Based on your tests from last week I'd say you're about 7 weeks along. Of course, you knew you were pregnant otherwise you wouldn't be here. There's very little we can tell this early on about anything specific but everything here looks great. I'll have my receptionist schedule a dating ultrasound for about 3 weeks and we can get an exact for you, but this is probably pretty close. I would however like you to start on some vitamins which I'll write you a prescription for. You don't need to change much unless you are a drinker or smoker. Make sure you're eating well, other than that all should be well." Dr. Shelby Forrester closed the chart and smiled at me. "Congratulations Madison. I'll leave your prescription up front and get my girl Jen to book that ultrasound for you and we'll
see you again for that." She left the room and I just remained seated. This was really real. Before I could pretend nothing was for sure, but I had just had it confirmed.
I received my paperwork and thanked the pleasant receptionist. I dialed Connor's number on my walk out to the car.
"How'd it go sweetheart? I've been impatiently waiting to hear from you." His voice was upbeat and slightly nervous.
"Well this is for real. We're really going to have a baby." I was surprised to hear him laugh.
"Were you really not sure?"
"I guess I was just waiting for confirmation."
"You ok baby?"
"Yeah, it's just still so new. I wanted kids, I have since I understood babies and where they come from. Really having a baby is much different than the thoughts of having the baby."
Until You Believe Me Page 15