Until You Believe Me

by Lindsey Woods

  "I love you, this will be really good, I promise. I've been through the nervous phase, but I think I'm excited now," said Connor.

  "Excited. That is not what I expected."

  "I just get to thinking about hearing a laugh, hearing little feet running around the house, hearing a little voice calling for his or her daddy. I don't know, it's a little exciting. It's scary as hell, yes. But I'm excited."

  As usual my heart melted. There was nothing about this man that wasn't adorable. Those thoughts stirred in my mind and sparked a small piece of excitement.

  ***

  "This puts you at about 11 weeks 4 days. Based on the size and the dates you gave us for your last period it seems about right. Of course we give or take a few days but this is fairly accurate. Everything looks good, but at this point we just wait and see." Connor squeezed my hand gently as the woman wiped my stomach clean. She smiled politely at me and her eyes lingered slightly too long on Connor before she left the room.

  I took a deep breath as I sat up.

  "We have to do it Connor."

  He gave me a slightly confused look. "Here? Really."

  "What? God no. We've got to tell my mother. Twelve weeks is usually the end of the danger zone and we can't put it off forever."

  "Have fun with that." Connor smiled as he held open the door to the ultrasound room and walked out.

  "Connor, you're joking. I'm not doing it alone." I heard his laugh from behind me.

  "I would never throw you to the tiger alone. Why don't you have her for dinner, we'll cook and you can break the news then."

  "Ok. I guess that's a plan." Connor put his arm around me as we walked out to the car.

  ***

  "Please sit down, you're making me nervous." Connor said as I paced around the kitchen.

  "I'm so nervous. What is she going to say?"

  "I have no clue, but here's the deal." He got to his feet and pulled me close to him. "I love you, and you love me. We already decided we wanted to live together. We've already decided we want to get married. We decided we wanted kids. We're just doing onestep out of order. It's not like we're committing a crime. We're bringing a baby into a happy and safe home." He kissed the top of my head and let me go.

  "You're right. It could be worse. I still haven't told her about the job either. Maybe I'll soften the blow with that."

  "Good idea sweetheart. Now I think I heard a car door, go get her at the door. I'll be cowering in the kitchen. If I don't see you again, remember I loved you very much." I heard his voice getting farther and farther away as he retreated to the kitchen.

  I opened the door before my mother could even knock.

  "Hey Ma, how are you?" I kissed her cheek and hugged her.

  "Good, good. Things look great. I'm starving. I went out to lunch with Lydia, you know Uncle Jack's ex-wife's cousin. She looks good. She's getting a little chubby around the middle, but retirement agrees with her. Where is that handsome man? I brought him some of my ambrosia. He raved about it last time. Oh these floors look great with your furniture. My goodness, Madison. Hey Connor, you look great!" Her voice continued until it drifted far into the kitchen. She was an unrelenting storm of communication.

  Connor had plastered a half scared and half fake smile on his face as she handed over the bowl. He thanked her graciously, sounding as smooth and genuine as he could.

  "Ms. Branson, you'll looking wonderful. Here, have a seat right here. Can I get you a drink?" He turned on the charm as he glided across the kitchen filling mom's cup with sweet tea and getting her some bread to snack on.

  "How's work Connor? You still killing them out there?"

  "Yes ma'am. They've asked us to add three more projects on for the fall. We're extremely busy right now. I'm blessed." His eyes landed on me and he gave a small smile and wink. His smile gave me all the bravery I knew I was going to muster so I began.

  "Uh Ma, I didn't tell you. I heard from the university the other day. Turns out Ben turned in my application for the Grad job, and they hired me for it. I have some orientation stuff in about 2 weeks and then I'll start in the fall." I smiled big, hoping the obnoxious smile would calm her for the next bit of news I was going to bestow on her.

  "Oh Madison that's wonderful. I know you were thinking about applying. That little Ben is good people Madison. I swear. I was he wasn't so damn stubborn and would find himself a nice girl. He needs to stop messing around with such trampy girls. I ran into him a few nights ago. I went out to eat with Sheila and good lord Madison, I swear I could see just about everything on that girl."

  I couldn't help but laugh. It sounded exactly like a woman he would be with. I also felt much more relaxed and needed to spit it out before I lost my nerve.

  "Mom, I'm pregnant." I jumped at the sound of the pot crashing to the floor. Connor looked up, red-faced.

  "I've been here what? Twenty minutes? I could tell from the moment you opened the door. About damn time you put it out in the open."

  I let out the breath I had been holding. What? She knew?

  "How?"

  "Honey, let me give you some advice. Mom's know everything. Remember that. When you're little one gets to be older and acting grown up and you think something is up, it usually is. Are you happy about it?" She lowered her head, looking over the tops of her glasses, first at me and then at Connor.

  "I think we are now. It was quite a shock at first, but we've gotten used to the idea." I spoke for both of us.

  "What about you handsome? I mean you're sticking around since you knocked my little girl up, right?"

  "Ma! Knock it off!" I said exasperated. I looked quickly at Connor and I had never seen him quite that shade of red before. His eyes were huge, like a deer in headlights.

  "Yes ma'am, of course. I love your daughter more than anything."

  "Oh stop it, I'm just kidding. I'm happy for you both." She hopped off her stool and gave me a big hug followed by hugging Connor. "If this is a good thing for both of you then I am fine. Worse things could happen. I've gotten a lot of perspective the past couple of months." I knew she was referring to the incident. Connor talked quite candidly to me about not knowing how I was going to recover, or if I would.

  "What does that mean for a wedding?" My mother asked.

  I looked at Connor before I spoke. "I don't really know, I guess we haven't gotten that far yet."

  "A little one will change your whole world. I'd be thinking about it pretty soon." My mother said as she put a bite of lasagna in her mouth that Connor had cut for her.

  We ate and talked and laughed. Finally my mother announced she was going to head home. I hugged her tight and walked her to the door.

  "You're going to be a good mom Maddie darling. Don't worry about that. You've got yourself a good man. He looks at you like you are the sun of his world. Don't let him go. He will take care of the two of you."

  "I don't plan on it. I love him, Ma. More than anything I want to be with him. I wouldn't survive this without him. I wouldn't have survived any of this without him."

  "I know darling. Take care of yourself and my grandchild. Nothing can happen to any of you." She rested her hand on my stomach, though nothing was there.

  I closed the door behind her and watched out the window until she pulled out onto the street. Connor was sitting on the couch in the living room. His eyes were on me and he was smiling.

  "Come sit." I walked over to him and sat next to him on the couch.

  "Your mom was a pleasant surprise huh?"

  "For sure. That was almost too easy."

  "She was right though, it's only going to turn our lives upside down when the baby comes. What do you want to do about a wedding?"

  I hadn't even begun thinking about it before this, and now I was expected to make a decision in the near future.

  "I don't really know what I think. I understand everything will change in the future, but do we want to do it now, just to do it?"

  "I'd be happy marrying you tonight if you agre
ed. I don't care if it was today, or next week or after the baby. Marrying you is all I want to get to do."

  I could feel the blush creeping into my cheeks. How did I feel about this? I was never the fairytale wedding kind of girl. I don't like attention, and in reality a wedding was all about the bride. I didn't care about getting married before the baby. At this point it would be clear that's what we were doing, but I was going to marry Connor one day.

  "Maybe we should just do it. Just get married, it would make life simpler in the future."

  "It's heaven to hear you talk about marrying me. Let's put it off just so we can talk about it longer." He smiled his bright smile and held my hand.

  "We've got about two months until you're supposed to be back to work full-time. Is that enough time?" Connor asked, his eyes still lit up.

  "I don't know, I've never gotten married. I don't want anything elaborate. I just want you and some family. Something simple and small, so I guess that's enough time." I shrugged. I wasn't fussy about things like this.

  "Two months until I get to marry you. Even more so, two months until the honeymoon, now that is an incredible thought." Connor smiled mischievously and picked me up from the couch and walked me down the hall toward the bedroom.

  Chapter 25

  "We were quite pleased with your application Ms. Branson. We're very glad that we got to hire from within the university. I want to begin with saying how very sorry I am to have heard about the altercation that took place inside of the new facilities. I hope that you are well now?" Her voice was almost robotic due to her formality.

  "Yes Ma'am, I am feeling great. I am beyond excited to get this opportunity." I shifted uncomfortably in my suit. I was nervous and bordering on starting to sweat.

  "I have a few documents I need you to sign and I am going to give you a sheet for you to record your texts for fall semester, other than that we'll be finished here until closer to the beginning of the semester." She laid down documents in front of me and I signed my name to them.

  "Now I have received word that you will be taking a leave of absence for spring semester. This is really most unusual for our Graduate professors. Even more unusual is the director has signed off on it. I do need you to sign paperwork that states you will be receiving salary for only fall semester and we will reevaluate after spring semester for next year." Her tone was getting increasingly annoyed. The director had approved it? I hadn't spoken to anybody about my having to take off for the spring. I decided not to question her as she clearly was already annoyed that she had to work more than usual.

  I thanked her for her time as I walked out of the office. I emerged from the building and had only one destination on my mind.

  I didn't both to knock, I pulled open the door and marched in.

  "Yeah, I can get it done by Wednesday next week....I'll give you about half a dozen guys...oh hey let me call you back...yep...bye." Connor hung up the phone and set it down on his desk. "Hey beautiful, how did it go?"

  "It went great until she told me that my leave of absence for spring semester was approved by the director. It was kind of awkward when I had to stop myself from saying I didn't request a leave of absence, yet my classes had been taken care of, again."

  "You're mad?" Connor stood and ran a hand through his hair.

  "Mad is one word you could use. Connor, this job is important to me. Really important. It doesn't look too good when I have to leave early one year and the very next year, which is going to be brand new for me, I can only work part of the year. I know you don't understand this because you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, but you can't fight these battles for me, especially when I don't even know about it."

  "I've worked extremely close with the director through all of these projects Madison. I explained that in the spring you're going to need some time off and he was fine with it. He loves you, he was impressed with your application. He wants you no matter what time you have to take off."

  "So that's it then, I'll be staying home for six or seven months while you go on to work every day? Thanks for consulting me on this."

  "Do you want me to stay home and you work? Fine, bring it on. I'll work from home if that's what you want. I'm sorry that I assumed you'd be interested in staying home with your newborn child. I'm sorry that I fucked it up again. Apparently I can't do anything right by your standards. I thought I was helping, I thought I was making something easier on you. You always have something you need to deal with, you won't depend on me for any of it so I tried to make it easier on you. And here I am, still the asshole." He sat back down and bent over, putting his head in his hands.

  "Is that what this is about? You think I don't need you?" He looked up at me his face was lined and his eyes were miserable.

  "No, not at all. I don't think you need me, I know you don't need me. You do everything yourself because you can. And don't get me wrong that's sexy as hell until you're the man who can't do anything for the woman he loves. It's the thing I love the most about you, but that tears me apart. It's my job to protect you, to help you, but dammit if you don't do it all yourself."

  I felt a tug in my chest. My anger had completely dissipated. I walked over to Connor and gently guided him until he sat up in his chair. I sat gingerly on his lap and moved one hand to his hair.

  "I need you everyday of my life. I would not be here right now if I didn't have you fighting in my corner. I wouldn't have the strength to make it through the day. I love you with everything I have Connor. The most beautiful thing about this? About us? Is that you don't expect me to get lost in you. You don't expect me to forget who I am for you. I need you, I might just not need you for the everyday things."

  "The only things I can do for you are over the top. Like go tell your boss you need time off because I can't do anything else. Let me open a damn jar, or kill a big ass spider or something." I tried to hide my smile as he finished.

  "And now you're laughing at me."

  "No, no, not at all. I think it's endearing to see you not so perfect. Who would have thought superman Connor was insecure. Do you ever get sick of being perfect?"

  "You're absolutely insane. Now I'm sure of it. Everything about you makes me insecure. My god, look at you. You're stunning, you could go right out this door and find a replacement in seconds. Well, maybe not this door because all those guys know I'd have their heads for that, but you get it."

  "I really don't get it at all. You're the one who I can't go out in public with without girls ogling you the whole time. You're the one who has money to spend to buy your own country or something."

  "My own country isn't a bad idea. I could take you there and neither of us would go to work then I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

  I grabbed his chin and moved his head until he looked me in the eye. "Country or no country you have nothing to worry about. Stop being so crazy. You weren't this crazy when I met you."

  "You weren't my every ounce of happiness back then. Now there's not a moment that I'm not terrified to be without you." His eyes made my heart hurt. The sparkle in them was gone and he didn't look like his young, boyish self.

  "Get it through your brain, I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I love us, we have a month until our wedding and this is where I want to be. Nowhere else, ever. I wouldn't be marrying you if I was trying to pick up one of your workers."

  "You'd be pretty smart to I think. Isn't that some cliche fantasy or something? Getting the boss's wife."

  "You're sick, you know that? And a dirty old man." He smiled and pulled me closer to him and kissed the top of my head.

  "I'm sorry Madison. I really thought what I was doing was what you would have liked."

  "It's ok. Please just talk to me before you decide what is going to happen in my life."

  "I guess that's fair. I love you."

  "I love you too Connor. Come on, let's go." I got up and took his hand, pulling him out of the chair.

  "Madison, it's one o'clock, I can't leave."


  "You're leaving. I need some jars opened."

  "Oh that was low," Connor said as he grabbed his keys and phone from his desk.

  ***

  "Ok, so mom wasn't a big deal. Crises one averted. Ben is going to be a different story. He'll be here in about an hour. So we need to spring the wedding thing on him and try to slide the baby thing in there without drawing too much attention," I said as I tried on my third outfit.

  "Yeah, let's just slide in the fact that his best friend is going to pop out a living human being in about 25 weeks. I don't think so sweetheart. Nice try." I could still hear the amusement in his voice as he called from the bathroom as he shaved.