Until You Believe Me

by Lindsey Woods

  "Connor?" I whispered and shook his hand, he immediately snapped awake.

  "Baby, you're awake. How are you feeling?" He kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek.

  "Tired. Sore." Connor chuckled at that.

  "You're ok. They had to give you some drugs. They were a little concerned about the oxygen the baby was getting so they did a C-section. All is well. They are monitoring him, but he is perfectly healthy."

  "Him."

  "Yes, him."

  I nearly asked Connor if he looked like him but stopped before the words came out of my mouth.

  "I can't believe you Madison. You did it. You made it all this way."

  "Not without you I wouldn't have." And with that I felt myself drift off to sleep.

  ****

  "What time will you be home?" I nervously asked.

  "As soon as I can baby. They're just killing me with all these drawings. They keep changing their mind. I'm sorry. I know this week has been crazy, but I'll be there as soon as I can."

  "Ok." Without another word I hung up.

  My mother stayed with me for the day and would return home each evening. She helped me to get around and with the baby. It was a blessing, especially with Connor working lots of overtime in the two weeks we had been home. He was supposed to be taking time off but it ended up being impossible with an impending deadline and unforeseen complications. I reluctantly made a sandwich for dinner and ate alone at the kitchen island. I had put Johnathan down right before so I would hopefully be able to eat in peace.

  I closed my eyes on the couch after my so called dinner and woke up to the sound of crying. I quickly ran to the crib and fed and rocked my precious baby boy. It was a joy feeling this little warm baby in my arms and the extreme amount of emotion I felt for him brought me to tears almost daily. It was past eleven by the time I got him back down and heard the garage door open.

  Connor walked in, looking worn and ragged. Similar to how he now looked much of the time.

  "Where have you been?"

  "Madison don't start this shit please. I'm exhausted."

  "If you were exhausted you probably should have come home."

  "I was working, I'm busy, I can't help that."

  He searched in the fridge for something to eat and pulled out leftovers from the night before.

  "I miss you Connor." My voice dropped the angry tone and I looked at the man who I haven't been able to recognize for the past couple weeks.

  "Madison, I miss you too. I'm sorry. I have things that I need to take care of and this whole project is a big fucking mess." He sighed and stabbed his fork into the plastic container.

  I couldn't help it, I had been holding it in for weeks and adding that to already crazy hormones threw me into a sobbing fit.

  I heard his sigh and closed my eyes at the slight pain that noise caused me.

  "Why are you crying Madison?"

  "Because I don't know who you are right now Connor. We've had the most incredible time since the wedding. I don't want to say this but the truth is since the baby came home you've been MIA. I want to chalk it up to coincidence, but I don't know."

  Connor bent over the counter and put his head in his hands.

  "I can't be everywhere Madison. I can't do seventy things at once."

  "Then do the thing that matters, be with your family."

  "This isn't a family." He yelled and immediately covered his face.

  The words and the fact that he yelled paralyzed me. Tears silently traveled down my face as I looked at him. My heart was like a piece of glass shattering into a million pieces. I almost felt like I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep it from coming apart.

  "Madison, that's not what I meant."

  Still no words could come. What did he mean this was not his family?

  He threw the container in his hands into the sink and pounded on the counter.

  "God dammit I can't do this. I can't be here and see that everything I do hurts you."

  "Then stop hurting me." My voice had returned in the form of a hoarse whisper.

  "You don't get it. I can't get over it. I can't stop seeing him, touching you. With his hands pressed against the wall on either side of your head. His body pressed against yours. Everytime I think of him I lose my mind. And every time I think I can handle it, I can't bear to see the evidence of what he's done to you." He hung his head, his body shaking.

  It was true. There was no coincidence. He couldn't stand to be around this innocent life. He truly believed we were not a family.

  "What happened to all of your 'I'll try's? Why am I doing this alone?"

  "This is what you wanted Madison."

  "This isn't what you wanted? You stood in this room with me right after we got married and discussed names. We named him after your father. We did this together."

  "That's the part that I can't get over. I can't get over the fact that I probably didn't play any role in this. I didn't get a say. I don't get to have a son."

  "No, you choose not to have one. It doesn't matter one tiny bit to me who his real father is. Not a bit. You're the one who can't handle it. I don't care what those tests say Connor, you are his father. I thought you had control over this. I thought we were in a good place."

  "We were, but then it became real. This is too real for me. To have to look at him and wonder, are those my eyes? Is that my chin? Does he have my hands? I have to scrutinize over every damn thing about that baby and still wonder why I couldn't save you."

  "You can save me now Connor. I'm drowning under stress, pain, sleep deprivation, loneliness. I'm drowning and I can't keep my head above water and you, you're just standing on the shore watching it all happen."

  "You think I like being useless to you Madison? That I love being this asshole who can't touch a baby because he's scared of it? I hate it. I hate every fucking minute of my life here because what is so important to you I can't bear to be around. I'm weak. I'm a sad excuse for a man and I wish that I hadn't made you marry me."

  "You are a sad excuse for a man right now. I know for a fact this is not what your father taught you. You do not walk away from your family. You have not abandoned him even though he doesn't know who you are most of the time. Yet you're abandoning me and our baby because you're too scared of your own insecurity. What would change if you knew he was yours?"

  "I'd know that he didn't win. That he didn't get to have all the glory because he couldn't keep his filthy hands off of you. I should have been there to save you Madison. I should have finished the job completely. He would have never got to you if I had put in the extra few hours to get the ID scanners on. It's my fault you got hurt that night, it's my fault that I can't look at this child and it's my fault that everyday I live with the fact that I know I'm slowly killing your spirit that I love so much."

  "So what are you going to do about it Connor?"

  He shrugged and took a deep breath. I could see his hands were shaking and he had such a look of anguish on his face.

  "I don't know that there is anything I can do Madison."

  "You want to give up?"

  "No, I don't, but I don't know how to be ok with this."

  A cry came through the monitor and I looked at Connor. He looked back at me and then dropped his head as if shamed. I left the room and walked back to the nursery.

  ****

  Connor never joined me in bed and I woke early the next morning to him on the couch. What was I going to do with him? This was no life for us. We were blissfully happy since the wedding. There were so many times that I thought about how people dream of this feeling. People dream of this state of happiness and here I was living it.

  Now here we were, Connor feeling like every moment he was here was torture, and I felt like every moment he was gone I was losing him. Where was my sweet and charming husband? Would he ever come back to me? I assumed since it was already past eight he was not going to work for the first weekend in two weeks. I silently prayed that it was a good sign and not a
bad omen. Connor stumbled into the kitchen I poured him a cup of coffee. I did not make eye contact, I simply slid it across the island.

  "Hey," He said.

  "Hey," I replied in the same tone.

  "Where is he?"

  "Sleeping in his room, of course." My mind went wild with the thoughts of Connor being glad a baby slept so much while I wanted him to be awake and cuddling up to me.

  "Madison, I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this."

  "Well I guess we're even. I don't know how to deal with a newborn baby either."

  "You know that's not what I meant."

  "It's what I meant."

  "Why can't you just give me an inch Madison, my goodness."

  "Because you don't deserve it. Nobody is picking up any slack for me, and I'm all out of help." I knew I was being cold but I could not understand how Connor could just curl up and die like this.

  He was silent as he nursed his cup of coffee.

  "Let me ask you a question," I said, this time looking him straight in the eye. He simply nodded.

  "What if those tests come back and he's not yours?"

  Connor opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. He thought for a long time and I had pretty much assumed he was not going to give me an answer.

  "The answer to that question scares the hell out of me," He finally said.

  I shook my head and took a few deep breaths. I had spent so much time crying over the past couple of weeks that I felt dried up. I closed my eyes to concentrate on my breathing, but they flew open at the sound of Connor's phone.

  He gave me an apologetic look before he answered. "Yeah?...This is him...What do you mean? Where?...How long?...I'm coming." Connor slammed his phone on the counter and stood up quickly.

  "What's wrong?"

  "It's my dad. They're taking him by ambulance right now to the hospital. The nurse went to give him his breakfast, and he wouldn't respond."

  My stomach jumped and my heart beat against my chest.

  "I have to go with you, what can I do?"

  "Just call your mom, have her come over. I'm going to go now, meet me there." He ran out of the room and into the bedroom to change.

  I immediately picked up the phone and dialed my mother's number. Within minutes I had explained the story and she was on her way. I didn't hear Connor leave as I was on the phone with her.

  I was sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery rocking John slowly as I heard the front door open. My mom ran down the hall and came into the nursery.

  "I just got him to sleep, If you'll just rock him a little longer before you put him down. I'm going to throw on some clothes and go." I whispered as I gently passed the sleeping baby to my mother and kissed him on the cheek.

  She just nodded as she resumed my space in the chair.

  I hurried and threw on some clothes that would not irritate my still healing wounds. I was startled when I saw Ben standing by the front door.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "Your mom told me to meet her here, said you needed a ride to the hospital. We both know you haven't been cleared to drive. Come on, let me help you." Ben helped me down the front porch steps and into his car.

  We drove in silence and I thanked him as he stopped outside the door.

  "I'll go home with Connor, you go. Thank you. I owe you." I kissed his cheek as I leapt from the car and into the building. I stopped briefly to ask a worker where I was going and then took the elevator to the floor.

  I walked down the hallway, looking for the room number and was about to walk in when I heard Connor's ragged voice.

  "Dad, please don't. I need you right now. I need you to tell me what to do. I can't deal with this too. I'm not strong like you, or mom. I need you to just listen, and to wake up." He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. "I never meant to disappoint you. I've tried so hard to be everything you taught us to be. It's so hard to accept that I'm not who I should be. Dad what am I going to do?" He had both of his hands wrapped around his father's hand, rubbing it between his.

  "If you could just tell me how I'm supposed to be, to act, then I'd do it. I swear. I love them, but I'm so scared I won't be good enough. I'm so scared to fail. This is a biggie. I can't let them down. I've already almost destroyed my beautiful wife. Don't let me ruin anything else." He rested his head on the pile of hands, and I watched as his whole body was wracked with sobs. My heart broke to see him so upset. I took a seat outside in the hallway, knowing he needed this time with his father. The warmth of the hospital, the stress, the lack of sleep made me lean my head against the wall and close my eyes.

  I awoke to feeling a kiss on the cheek. I looked up to see Connor's bright eyes, rimmed red and puffy. He sat next to me and laid his head on my shoulder.

  "How is he? What time is it?"

  "Its about noon. And he's gone Madison." It was clear he had spent the morning crying, he just held me close to him as I cried into his chest.

  A few minutes later I composed myself and looked up at Connor. His face looked older, more weathered. I studied every line around his mouth and forehead. His eyes were bloodshot but still shone brilliantly. His warmth felt undeniably good. I looked up at him, unsure if I should ask for specifics, he looked down at me and kissed my forehead.

  "They don't know anything yet. They'll be doing an autopsy on him this week. I called my brother to get him here so we can put something together. I wasn't prepared for this." Connor took a deep breath, trying to hold it together.

  "I'm so, so sorry Connor. I loved him too. He was a very good man."

  "I wish I were a better son for him."

  "Connor stop. He was so proud of you."

  "He loved you Madison. He was excited that you were having a baby. He told me that your husband better treat you like gold because a baby was a gift, not a guarantee."

  "My husband just needs to come back to me and then we'll go from there."

  "I'm so sorry Madison. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be who you need."

  "It's not that Connor. It's that you don't even seem like you want to try."

  "I do, it's just.."

  "Hard. I get it. It's hard for me too." I finished for him.

  He hugged me tight and kissed the top of my head.

  Chapter 29

  I felt utterly exhausted as Connor helped me up the front porch stairs and opened the front door for me. When we walked through the door my mom jumped up from the couch and hugged Connor to her tightly.

  "Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. I can't bear to think of what you're going through right now." She wiped her eyes before she pulled back and looked up at him.

  "Thank-you Mrs. Branson." His voice was soft and hoarse.

  "Oh stop, call me Mom. I made some food. It's sitting on the counter cooling. Don't forget to put it in the fridge before you two go to bed. I'll get out of your hair, I'm sure you would like to be alone." As she picked up her purse a cry came from the back bedroom.

  "I'll take care of that little ray of sunshine before I go, go get something to eat."

  "Thank you Mom," I replied as I walked slowly into the kitchen.

  "Umm, actually uh, Mom. I'll take care of Johnathan. Please go get some rest. Thank you for your help tonight." Connor hugged my mom and opened the front door for her.

  "I'll stop by tomorrow and visit. Goodnight, love you guys." She smiled as she walked out the front door. I stayed in the kitchen, not wanting to move and ruin the moment I may have heard. I heard Connor's footsteps disappear down the hallway.

  I cut two pieces of lasagna and put it in the microwave. I ate half of one before I felt filled. Connor had still not returned. I quietly tip toed down the hallway and stood outside the nursery door.

  "He was a good man and you have quite the name to live up to. I didn't always listen to him the way I was supposed to, but I'm back now. We're not here forever. It seems kind of unfair. I get something like you and your mother brought into my life and I only get to enjoy you both for a limited a
mount of years. Why should we get to be so happy, knowing that one day it is going to have to end? I already wasted too many precious minutes away from you. I don't have forever with you, and that's how long it would take me to tell you everything I want you to know. First and most important is that your mom is a saint. She loved you from the moment she knew about you, even if she was still unsure. You're a miracle given the circumstances that surrounded you before you were born. She's an incredible woman. I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to show her and you how much I love you." Connor looked up and smiled at me as I stood in the door frame to the nursery.