Game Up

by Tara Jay Wimble

  “Is Alexa up?”

  “What?” she squeaked, trying – and failing miserably – to hide her alarm. “Alexa. Um. Alexa? I don’t know? She’s in your room?”

  “Oh. I just figured maybe you guys had talked already. She usually texts you when she’s up, doesn’t she? So you can walk down to breakfast?”

  “Oh! Yeah. Yeah, she does, she’s probably still asleep.”

  Asha hummed. “Alright dude, see ya at breakfast?”

  “Fo’sho.” Vianne turned quickly towards her room.

  “Vianne?”

  She froze.

  “Forgetting your coffee?”

  Vianne wheeled back around towards the elevator, eyes trained on the floor. “Right. Later.”

  ***

  ASHA walked in and studied her roommate, who was obviously pretending to be asleep. She shook her roughly. “Get up, lazy ass. I got you coffee.”

  Alexa groaned and buried deeper into the covers.

  “Nope! Up!”

  “Noooo,” Alexa whined.

  Asha slowly sipped her coffee, but almost dropped the cup when it burned her tongue.

  “When did Vianne tell you she was into chicks?” she asked in between blowing on the drink.

  Alexa stiffened. She was silent for a few beats. “T-Vianne? What? I don’t...she’s not...”

  Her frantic stammering was broken by Asha’s hysterical laughter. “Yeah, Payne’s going to flip. We had a bet, she owes me two hundred bucks.”

  Alexa shot up with a gasp. “You can’t tell her!”

  Asha looked at her innocently. “Tell her what? That Miss Vianne is gay or that Alexa fucking Lorenz is banging her silly.”

  Alexa groaned and pulled the covers over her head to hide her blushing face. “Shit. You saw us. You suck.”

  She sat next to her. “Want to talk about it?”

  Alexa popped her head out and shook it fiercely. She buried her face into the pillow.

  “Alexa,” she prompted. “Are you guys together? Or...”

  She cursed, and finally sat up with a sheepish smile. “I don’t know. We actually haven’t had that conversation yet.”

  “How long?”

  “Maybeafewmonths.”

  “A few…a few months? And you haven’t talked about it? What do you guys do if you never talk?” Asha leered.

  Alexa hit her with the pillow. “Shut up! No, it’s just easy, it’s working. We don’t want to mess things up, I guess. Plus the long dist...” She caught herself.

  Asha gritted her teeth, and tried to quell the pang that shot through her at the sound of those words. “Makes sense. Hey, you know I was just kidding about telling Payne.”

  Alexa smiled hopefully. “Yeah. So, you were also kidding about the bet?”

  “Ummm.”

  “Asha!”

  “I don’t know what’s up with Payne’s radar. And there may be bets with a few others,” she coughed.

  Alexa turned a slight pink.

  “I’ll wait to collect until you say it’s okay,” she said quickly. “And some advice. If you two can’t keep it in your pants, maybe don’t fall asleep together naked. Especially if you’re trying to keep this a secret.”

  Alexa turned a deeper pink. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen. We must’ve been really tired, the last thing I remem...” She stopped herself again in time, cleared her throat, and changed the subject.

  “You said you got me coffee?”

  ***

  ALEXA broke it to Vianne that Asha knew. After a few hours of embarrassment - Vianne was obviously avoiding both her and Alexa - Asha finally cornered her and told her to stop acting weird, that everything was okay, she was happy for them, and of course she’d keep it a secret.

  Asha walked in on them later that night. Fortunately, they were still partially clothed. They flew apart so fast that Vianne almost tumbled off the bed.

  “Dude,” Asha said pointedly.

  “Sorry,” Alexa mumbled.

  Asha picked up a discarded shirt and threw it at her. “Get dressed. I’m setting some ground rules.”

  She pointed at Vianne. “You can hang out in here and you can sleep in here. But no sex in the shower, no sex on the chair, no sex in my bed. No kinky shit against the door or wall or anything either. You will only have sex in Alexa’s bed.”

  They were growing redder by the second.

  “Absolutely no fooling around,” she studied them for a moment, “or sex while I’m in the room.”

  “We would never do that!”

  “Even if you think I’m asleep and that you can be really quiet!” she ordered over their protests. “If you want to have sex...”

  “Could you stop saying sex?” Vianne pleaded.

  “Fine. If you want to fuck...”

  Vianne groaned loudly.

  “If you want to bang, let me know and I’ll make myself discrete. Unless it’s before bed, because I’m not changing my sleep schedule.” Asha bit her lip, thinking hard. “I guess that’s it.”

  They sat in silence for a few more moments.

  “Okay, so...can you?” Alexa tilted her head to the door.

  “Dammit, Alexa, seriously? Were you not listening? I said not before bed!”

  “We still have an hour before you usually go to sleep.”

  “Gross.” Asha narrowed her eyes and huffed to the door. “Fine. One hour. But new rule. If I’m already in the room, you’ll have to bribe me to leave. I prefer coffee or Nutella.”

  ***

  ASHA woke up with a feeling of dread. Today was the day. She grabbed her phone and cursed at the text that greeted her.

  -Can’t wait to see you guys!-

  Asha dropped her phone and punched at the mattress.

  Vianne sat up, looking at her warily. “What’s up?” she yawned.

  “Nothing. Hey, I’ll see you two at breakfast. I need to ice my shoulder.”

  Vianne looked at her skeptically. “Alright, dude.” She narrowed her eyes. “Lara’s coming in today, right?”

  “Oh, yeah I guess so." Asha hurriedly pulled on her training clothes.

  “And you’re good?”

  “Yeah, just my shoulder. You know. Later.”

  “Right, later.” Vianne knew that she was lying, but she was hesitant to push.

  Asha loped down the hall to the elevator. The hotel was still, the air felt heavy with anticipation.

  She was not good. Not good at all.

  Chapter 3

  ASHA found a small alcove off the lobby, a little hiding place where she could try to collect her thoughts. This would be the first time since the airport that they would be face to face. She had no idea how to act, but she was pretty sure it would be inappropriate to do what she wanted: push her against the wall, rip her clothes off, and go to town. Either that or scream at her until her voice was hoarse.

  This was her life: torn between intense anger and heartbreaking love.

  She tried to remember how she acted before all of this. Back when they were just friends. It felt like a lifetime ago.

  Truthfully, Asha couldn’t even remember a time when they were “just friends.” She had developed an instant crush the moment their eyes first met. Asha tried to keep it under control though, she had heard through the soccer grapevine that Lara was definitely, unquestioningly, straight. She tried to accept the fact that it would have to end at that. An unrequited crush on her new best friend.

  So Asha took what she could get. When they were apart, which was far too often, Asha’s phone was always within reach. Whenever they were at camp, Asha was never far from Lara. On the pitch, their eyes would meet and she’d be hit with a wave of contentment. The closer they got, the more Asha realized that this wasn’t just a crush anymore. She was in love. But she kept her feelings hidden, knowing that Lara could never feel the same.

  And then it changed.

  Little comments that made Asha reel in confusion. Hugs that lingered a beat too long. A hand lower than it really o
ught to be, especially for friends. Asha would be caught staring, but after she darted her eyes away, she could feel Lara’s gaze. Lara would find her way into Asha’s bed for naps after practice. Asha would wake up to an arm thrown over her body, legs tangled, Lara’s breath tickling the back of her neck.

  The touching, nuzzling, and cuddling became commonplace. And they tiptoed dangerously closer and closer to the line. And Asha let herself start to wonder. Wonder if she had a chance, wonder what could happen if she just took that chance. Wonder how much more she could push, without sending Lara scrambling or destroying their friendship. She was hyperaware of Lara’s every move, every comment, and every little sigh – and prepared herself for damage control if it came to that.

  It was during camp that the line finally blurred. Lara was sprawled on her back, and Asha was curled around her on her side, slowly drawing patterns on her arm as she listened to Lara ramble on. Only Lara could make a mumble so hypnotizing, she thought as she stared at her skin. Lara trailed off in the middle of a sentence, and they fell into silence. Asha’s heart started to race when she noticed goose bumps under her fingertips. Lara’s breath grew shorter.

  A surge of nervous confidence. This was it.

  Asha took a deep breath and slowly moved to take Lara’s hand, gently clasping it. She sat up a bit on one elbow, and just about died when Lara looked up and their eyes met. Lara nervously smiled. They just looked at each other, caught in the anxious anticipation of what was about to happen. Lara broke eye contact first, her eyes darting to Asha’s lips and then to their hands. She shuddered.

  Asha moved her hand to Lara’s face, tenderly tracing her strong jawline.

  “Ash...I...,” Lara whispered, closing her eyes and tensing.

  Asha dropped her hand quickly, unsure. Lara’s eyes shot open with a mixture of curiosity, fear, and panic.

  Asha only saw the latter two. She jerked away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”

  Lara sat up suddenly and leaned in. It felt like time had stopped. Lara’s lips were warm against hers, trembling slightly.

  Lara pulled away and their eyes met, and in that moment, they both knew that things had irrevocably changed. Asha could still see the hint of panic in Lara’s eyes. She stared at her with a pounding heart and shaking hands. She had never been so nervous around a girl, not even during her first kiss.

  Lara finally broke into a shy smile, and this time they both leaned in.

  ***

  NO, Asha had absolutely no idea how she was supposed to be just friends with this girl.

  ***

  LARA threw her duffel on the bed, thankful she had arrived during practice. She wasn’t quite ready to face Asha. Or for the reactions of the rest of the team – if Asha had even told them yet. She knew Asha wasn’t the type to badmouth her or force them to pick sides. But they would. It was bound to happen. Most of the team was closer to Asha; she was around after all - not overseas for most of the year. And Lara knew she was the bad guy in this.

  These thoughts combined with the jet lag overwhelmed her. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and her body felt enormously heavy. A nap, she definitely needed sleep.

  Lara was startled awake when a flying Payne hit her bed with a jolting thud. She sat up in shock, disoriented. The look on her face must have been a sight because Payne burst out laughing before enveloping her in a hug.

  “Larry! You made it!”

  Lara laughed. “My body at least. I feel like I left my brain on the plane.”

  They chatted for a bit, catching up. After a while, Lara decided to broach the subject.

  “You heard about what happened with Ash?”

  Payne gave her an appraising look. “You know, she hasn’t said much. Tamara found out through Denise. Ash had Tamara tell everyone else. She’s been pretty quiet the entire camp actually.”

  Lara grimaced, and started fidgeting with a loose string on the comforter.

  “What happened?” Payne prompted gently.

  “I...I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too hard and it was unfair to her. I love her, I’ll always love her, but I guess it’s not enough.”

  Payne shrugged. “I get it. I do. I’ve been incredibly lucky to make it work, but only you know what’s best for you. Ya gotta do you. I was rooting for you two, but shit happens.”

  “Everyone’s probably pissed at me, huh.”

  “Don’t be silly. No one’s mad. We may be upset that you guys are hurting, but we’ll always be here for you. Both of you.”

  Lara looked so morose, that Payne thought she was going to start bawling right there.

  “Hey. Buck up, kid. Things will get better, I swear. C’mon, let’s get something to eat. There’s a meeting after dinner.”

  ***

  ASHA looked away quickly when she spotted Lara walking in the door. She thought she had steeled herself, but the sight brought instant butterflies and anger. And a hurt that started from the pit of her stomach, gripping her heart, and making it hard to breathe or speak.

  Asha’s fists clenched. She glanced upwards right as Lara spotted her, and they made brief eye contact before Lara looked at the floor. Payne pulled her away to another table across the room. Asha had begged her friends not to pick sides. This was between them, and as hurt as she was, she couldn’t bear the thought of Lara being treated poorly by the team or ostracized. Asha was thankful that they all seemed to have taken on the responsibility to protect both of them from each other.

  Tamara bumped her knee against Asha’s to try and distract her. Asha threw herself into the conversation at the table, trying her best to ignore the fact that the woman she loved seemed further away than when she was in Germany.

  ***

  UNFORTUNATELY, Asha let her guard down after the team meeting. She cursed when she rounded a corner and saw Lara heading her way.

  Shit shit shit. In the split second she took deciding whether to bolt, Lara had already looked up. They both stopped, just staring at each other. Lara finally moved as if to turn the other way.

  “Lara, wait!” What the hell are you doing. Asha gulped and stepped forward. “Do you want to go for a walk?” You have lost your damn mind.

  Lara hesitated, but finally walked towards her in answer. The elevator ride was crushingly silent. They didn’t talk until they had walked a few minutes.

  “This is weird,” Asha admitted.

  Lara relaxed slightly. “Yeah.”

  They fell back into an uncomfortable silence. Asha started to reach for a hand, but caught herself just in time.

  “I don’t know how to be just your friend,” Asha admitted.

  Lara nodded, peering up at the sky. “I don’t know either,” Lara shrugged. “I guess it’s something we’ll have to learn together.”

  “I’ll try harder,” Asha said in a small voice. “To...forget. And not bring up the past. And not start a fight.”

  “I’ll try harder too. I started plenty of those fights.”

  They walked a bit longer in silence before they found themselves back at the hotel. They rode the elevator in silence, and Asha walked Lara to her room in silence. They awkwardly hugged in silence and the only sound was the whispered good night just before Lara shut the door.

  ***

  THE remainder of camp was just strange. They were still painfully awkward around each other. But there were brief moments where everything seemed okay - only on the outside though. Asha swallowed back her pain every time she spoke to Lara, or saw her face light up and crinkle when she laughed. Lara inwardly cringed if they accidentally touched or even got too close.

  They both suffered in silence, Lara convinced she was doing the right thing and Asha too scared to lose Lara completely.

  The team visibly relaxed, most thinking the issues had been resolved. Their closest friends noticed the pain in their eyes, but since they refused to discuss it, they sat back and also pretended everything was okay.

  Much like in the early stages of their relationship,
Asha waited. Waited for Lara to decide the next move, and waited for her to dictate the pace, the tone. She waited - even though it hurt - terrified that she would scare her off and ruin whatever shred of their relationship that still existed. And she forced herself to joke with her, make small talk, treat her like a teammate.

  Asha stilled her heart’s cry and blocked out her brain’s frantic alarms.

  ***

  THEY both worked so hard at pretending everything was fine. Asha panicked one day after she got off the phone and realized that she didn’t have to suppress the urge to hold back an ‘I love you.’ At that moment in time, she had felt like she had been having a conversation with any one of her other teammates.

  She called Lara back and booked her flight that night.

  Chapter 4

  LARA was nervous. Like World Cup nerves. The entire way to the airport, she replayed Cortez’s lecture in her head. It’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to you. Don’t lead her on.

  It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair.

  Lara knew it would be impossible for them to exist in this weird state of limbo for long. There was too much attraction, too much history, too much tension.

  ***

  LARA was head over heels smitten from the first moment they met. But she was still struggling with her sexuality, still half in denial. She was scared of what her feelings really meant. And she had seen how Asha acted around others. She had heard some of the stories. What made her so different? Was she any different? She was scared of being shot down, of getting hurt. So she settled. It was safer that way.

  But then Lara started to notice how Asha would stare when she thought she wasn’t looking. How Asha would answer her phone calls on the first ring. How texts would get a response within minutes. How Asha’s breath would hitch whenever Lara touched her. She wanted to stay on the safe side of the line, but that grew harder every day. The endless debate raged in her head: play it safe or risk losing it all?

  Lara started to find excuses to be close to her.