Game Up

by Tara Jay Wimble

  Why couldn’t she let this go? Why couldn’t she just be happy and find another girl? What the hell had happened to her? She used to be so strong, so carefree. Not angry, defeated, lashing out at anyone who tried to help. It wasn’t her. How did she turn into this?

  Why couldn’t she be better.

  After a while, Asha noticed that the laughter had died down and that the two were sitting on a picnic table in deep conversation.

  Wonder who they’re talking about, she thought grimly, as she caught Rhian sneaking glances in her direction. Just the resident fuckup. Can’t get a cap, can’t keep a girl, can’t do anything right. Just screw up everything.

  Frustration started to boil, the furious disappointment in herself started to overshadow the sadness that had settled heavily on her.

  Asha shook her head bitterly and tried stretching her hand, wiggling her fingers gingerly through the bandages.

  Nope, bad idea. She winced at the sharp ache.

  Asha realized that she should pack before practice because there was no doubt that Liam would be sending her home. She didn’t think it was broken, but there was still no way she could play. Just the thought of trying to pull her glove over the swollen and bruised skin made her cringe.

  So much for her dream of making it to London. She had basically just handed away the alternate spot with that first punch.

  She quickly stood up to walk away.

  To get somewhere else, anywhere else.

  Asha needed to move, her skin was itching, and her muscles screamed.

  She felt that familiar panicky feeling, feeling closed in even though she was surrounded by empty space. The same feeling that made her run during fights, the threat of an emotional explosion in too small of a space. The fear of the resulting fallout, of what could happen if she didn’t remove herself from the situation.

  Asha ignored the girls behind her yelling at her to wait up, as she broke into a jog then a hard run. After a few seconds, she heard the footsteps behind her and cursed the fact that she agreed to go to the park with these two.

  Asha really had no chance.

  She stopped and Rhian went flying past, a shout of surprise on her tongue.

  “Guys, c’mon. I don’t need babysitters. I’m not going to get drunk again.”

  Well, maybe.

  “I need some time. I need space.”

  Vianne looked at her as if she had two heads. “Bro, you’ve been acting weird for months. I’m not letting you do this. I can’t let you do this to yourself. I wasn’t there before but I’m here now and I mean it. I’m here. Whether you like it or not.”

  Rhian was hovering, looking carefully at Asha. It was obvious she was still a little timid, wary of causing Asha to explode on her again. “I’m guessing it’s a not.”

  “She’s right. I’m fine, I’ll handle this. I’m sorry I scared you guys, I really am. But this is something I have to deal with on my own.”

  Vianne lightly tapped her chest, her face starting to harden. “Yeah, like last night? You handled that just fine. Scared Payne to death, not to mention me. We were looking for you for hours! And then you almost broke your hand, which way to sabotage yourself. They’ll probably send you home. Yep, you handled it real well.”

  Asha’s temper flared. “Fuck you.”

  If she hadn’t been so angry, she would have laughed at how comically large Rhian’s eyes had grown.

  “Leave me the hell alone. You’re not my mom or my coach.”

  Asha started to walk away. She was startled by a shove, and she quickly whirled around.

  “No, but I am your fucking friend!” Vianne went towards her again, but Rhian yanked her back.

  Both stood gaping at her, Vianne rarely cursed and Rhian could count on one hand the number of times she had heard that particular word from her mouth.

  Vianne shrugged Rhian away and stepped close to Asha.

  “You made Rhian cry yesterday, you know that? You made her cry. It took forever for me and Alexa to calm her down. She’s done so much for you, you can’t just use her as your punching bag.”

  “Vianne, stop,” whispered Rhian.

  “No, Rhi. She really hurt you. She needs to know that. You think you’re just hurting yourself, but you’re hurting everyone around you. People care about you, Ash. You can’t expect to act like this and think everyone is going to look the other way.”

  “I don’t...”

  “I’m not letting you push me away. I don’t care if you hate me for it. I don’t care what you say to me, I’m not going away.”

  “Vianne, I...”

  “No. Shut up and listen. Don’t you realize how it felt to see you like that? Knowing that my friend was dying inside and I couldn’t do anything! Knowing you felt you couldn’t talk to me? You’re destroying yourself!”

  Vianne took a breath. Her hands shook with anger.

  “You’ve always been my number one, but no one is going to see it if you keep this up!”

  Asha stared helplessly at the ground, fighting back another wave of tears. It was bad enough being yelled at, but being yelled at by Vianne was absolutely awful. She never lost her temper.

  “You don’t have to do this alone. Remember? That’s what you told me on the beach,” Vianne said, a little quieter.

  Asha could only shrug.

  They stood in awkward silence for a few moments.

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you. And pushed you,” Vianne apologized sadly, looking absolutely stricken by her actions.

  Damn, she’s good at guilt trips.

  ***

  LIAM was beyond pissed.

  Asha could tell he was using all his strength not to blow up at her in front of everyone.

  Not that she could blame him. If she were in his position, she couldn’t promise a reaction of anything short of explosive.

  She took a deep breath to explain.

  Annica glided in before she could start. “It’s partly my fault.”

  Liam’s glare landed on his star keeper.

  “We were kicking the ball around, practicing. We didn’t bother with gloves, and Ash dove and her hand hit the bar.”

  Asha quickly rearranged her face to look as innocent as possible.

  Liam snorted and looked at them skeptically.

  Annica cut him off before he could speak. “Freak accident, really weird,” she said dryly, daring him to argue.

  He let it go though, much to Asha’s surprise. “Don’t make me regret this, Lorenz. Get your hand looked at and then get with Dawn. Work on footwork, legs.” He walked away, shaking his head.

  “Thanks,” Asha said quietly. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  Annica waved her off. “Don’t think you’re getting off easy. My room after dinner.”

  Shit.

  ***

  ASHA knocked on Annica and Sashia’s door.

  Sashia answered and drew her in for a crushing hug.

  “Sashia, you don’t have to hug me every time you see me.” Asha squirmed, trying to escape.

  Sashia pulled away, but kept her hands on Asha’s shoulders. “I feel like I failed you.”

  A small laugh escaped Asha. “No, see this is why I didn’t tell anyone.”

  Sashia refused to break eye contact. Asha groaned inwardly. That look always meant a motivational speech. She was definitely not in the mood for that. She had prepared herself for the lecture – not an Sashia special.

  “Asha,” she started. “We are a family...”

  Annica suddenly appeared behind Sashia, grabbing Asha and leading her towards the beds.

  “You’ll get your turn, Wentz.”

  Sashia sighed and followed, disappointment all over her face. She had obviously been geared up for her speech.

  “Sit,” Annica pointed.

  Asha dutifully sat, and took a deep breath. She knew what was coming.

  Annica took a seat on the bed across from Asha and just stared.

  Asha flushed and looked at her hands. Usually she
had all the confidence, the swagger, and the ability to fake it - but Annica had the ability to make her feel three years old.

  “You know you probably just screwed any chance at making the roster.”

  “Annica,” Sashia admonished.

  “She’s a big girl. She can take it. Hell, she’s been in the mix long enough to know how things work.”

  Asha nodded weakly.

  “Liam's not an idiot. He's not going to risk it. He can’t. And it’s not only this stunt you pulled. You’ve been playing like shit. It’s not you. You’re better than that. You’ve been making rookie mistakes. And I’ve seen you favoring your shoulder. Have you told the trainers?”

  “No,” Asha admitted. “I was hoping it would...you know.”

  “Go away? Yeah. I’ve been there. Doesn’t work like that. Don’t make my mistake.”

  Asha nodded. This conversation was going in a better direction than she expected.

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  “You do that.”

  Annica fell back into silence. Asha fidgeted under her scrutinizing eye. It didn’t help that Sashia was mirroring Annica’s posture and expression.

  Well, fuck. Here it comes.

  “I get it. I’ve lashed out on occasion.”

  Sashia coughed, trying to hide a laugh.

  Annica ignored her. “You need to learn how to control it, not let it interfere with your public life and your career.”

  Sashia’s shoulders shook, as she tried to stifle her laughter.

  “What?” Annica snapped.

  “Nothing, just are you sure you’re the right person to be giving a control your emotions lecture?”

  “Oh, fuck off, Sashia. I seem to remember a time...”

  Sashia’s hand flew out to cover Annica’s mouth.

  Asha raised her eyebrows. Oh, this was interesting.

  Annica gave her a deadly glare, but Sashia wouldn’t budge, giving her a pointed look.

  After a few seconds, Sashia slowly let her hand drop.

  “Candi. I was going to say when you almost ripped Candice’s head off.”

  “Not fair! That was a completely different situation!”

  Asha watched as they continued bickering. She went to stand, but that unfortunately drew their attention.

  “Sit. We’re not finished.”

  Dammit.

  “You cannot, absolutely cannot, let your personal shit fuck that up. Keep it away from the team. What happened last night should never happen again. It can never happen again, not if this team is your future. Not everyone is forgiving. Or willing to forget.”

  Sashia nodded firmly, her eyes taking on that familiar spark. And with that Asha knew she was about to get an earful. From both of them.

  Chapter 16

  ASHA left their room over an hour later, properly shamed, and ego slightly bruised. They have the good cop, bad cop routine down pat, she thought glumly.

  Asha opened the door to her room to find Payne and Brianna huddled on one bed. They glanced at each other as she made her way in.

  Brianna quickly stood. “Man, it’s late. I’ll see ya guys later, night.” She rushed out, not making eye contact.

  Asha waited until she left, then turned to Payne with a raised eyebrow.

  “I didn’t tell her! She knows something is up. I mean you sucking it up on the field, you and Larry not talking. And then your hand. They’re not stupid.”

  Asha flopped on her bed and buried her face into a pillow.

  “Great. No wonder she left me.”

  “What?”

  “I mean, it makes sense why she broke it off. Why she didn’t want me.”

  “Asha. C’mon.”

  “You wanted me to talk? I’m talking.” Asha rolled on her side. “I was an embarrassment.”

  “Don’t say that, that’s not true.”

  Asha smiled bleakly. “It’s true. I’m not good enough, I’ve never been good enough. Maybe that’s why she was never comfortable with being out in public. She deserves someone better. She wasted so much time on me. She could’ve done better.”

  Her eyes stung. She got up abruptly. “I’m taking a shower.”

  As soon as the shower turned on, Payne headed to Vianne’s room to share what Asha had revealed.

  “She’ll kill me if she finds out I told you. But I think you guys need to know. It’s going to be rough, you know, when you guys get back home.”

  Vianne palmed the back of her neck. “Yeah, we’ll be discrete. Thanks.”

  After Payne left, Vianne closed the door and leaned heavily against it with a sigh. She looked up to see Alexa’s head popping up from between the wall and the bed.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Hiding. What does it look like?”

  “You look like a prairie dog.”

  Alexa glared at her. “You really don’t want sex anytime soon, do you?”

  Vianne’s brow furrowed. “Prairie dogs are cute. It was a compliment.”

  “We need to work on your compliments.”

  Vianne grinned as Alexa made her way over. She leaned into the hug, resting her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “You make me happy,” Vianne murmured into Alexa’s shirt. “It’d suck without you here.”

  Alexa ran her hands up Vianne’s back, and kissed her head. “I don’t know how Asha kept it together for this long.”

  “We should have known. The drinking, the girls, the disappearing. I should’ve pushed more. Got her to talk.”

  Alexa squeezed her tight.

  “I’m scared,” Vianne admitted.

  “Me too. But she’ll be okay. We’ll help her. It’s Asha, she’s so strong. She’ll be okay.”

  They stood there in their embrace, listening to the silence, and trying desperately to believe in Alexa’s promise.

  ***

  ASHA sat in the goal, leaning against the post.

  “They have lawn mowers for that, ya know.”

  Asha jumped at the sound of Rhian’s voice, glancing at the ground where she had been absentmindedly tearing up the grass.

  Rhian slid next to her. They sat in silence for a while.

  “I guess I never processed it. I tried to ignore it. I didn’t want to bother you guys,” Asha said in a rush.

  Rhian stayed silent. It was making her panic.

  “I tried, I thought I could do it. I didn’t want you guys to realize how much of a loser...”

  Rhian covered her mouth with her hand. “No. Don’t even think of finishing that.”

  Asha burst into tears.

  Rhian gathered her in her arms, murmuring soft words of comfort. After a few minutes, her tears slowed and her breathing evened out.

  “I’m sorry about before. In the locker room. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I was a complete bitch. I didn’t mean it.’

  “Don’t even worry about that. It’s already forgotten.”

  Asha turned and pressed her lips desperately against Rhian’s. Rhian held her tighter and pressed back, but only for a few seconds. She gently pulled away.

  Asha hung her head.

  “Hey,” Rhian said softly. She lifted her chin and wiped away Asha’s tears with her thumbs. “We can’t do this anymore, babe.”

  Asha nodded, she knew she was right.

  “We’re going to figure this out, it’s going to be okay. I got ya.”

  ***

  VIANNE woke up to muffled crying. She quietly slipped into Rhian’s bed. Rhian stiffened when she felt the mattress drop, but quickly relaxed when she felt Vianne’s hand on her back.

  “What’s up?”

  “How did I not see it?” Rhian asked through her tears. “I told Denise that everything was okay. Liz...you know her friend from home? She called me too, she was worried, and I told her it was fine. I said I’d keep an eye on her. I promised. I knew something was up, I knew she was hiding something. But I didn’t do a damn thing about it. I just made out with her. God, I’m so selfish.”

  “It’s
not your fault, Rhi. We didn’t know how bad it was.”

  “Exactly! Why didn’t we know? We friggin’ live with her. We should have known.”

  “I know,” Vianne whispered.

  “She’s so sad. I want to make it better, but I don’t know what to do. What do we do?”

  Vianne shrugged slightly. “I’m not sure, I guess all we can do is be there for her.”

  Vianne rubbed Rhian’s back until she stopped crying and drifted off to sleep.

  ***

  LARA needed to talk to Asha. She knew this. But Asha refused to meet her eye.

  Her frustration mounted with every passing hour. Camp was running out, and with it, her chances. But Asha was making this impossible.

  You could try harder, a small voice in the back of her head haunted her.

  And it was true. Lara could have trapped her alone several times, but panic and uncertainty kept her at bay, kept her from demanding that Asha stop disappearing and just talk to her.

  So Lara stared, willing her to look her way.

  ***

  IT was the last night of camp.

  Lara walked back to her room to find Rhian sitting by her door.

  “Oh hey, Rhian, Becky is with Tamara and Buehler I think.” She went to open the door but hesitated when Rhian didn’t move.

  “Actually, I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”

  “Oh. Sure!”

  Great. Lara’s stomach knotted up.

  “You’ve already packed? Very responsible.”

  “Oh, thanks? I’ve had a lot of...free time, I guess.”

  “Do you still love her?” Rhian asked bluntly.

  Lara started to stammer.

  “She’s pretty messed up.”

  Lara hung her head. “I know.”

  “She’s beating herself up about it, she said she’s not good enough for you. That she’s not good enough period. Soccer, life, in general.”

  “Rhian...”

  “You’ve been staring at her all week. Do you want to get back together? If not, cool, we’ll help her get through it. She never dealt with it, she suppressed it for so long. She talked about it like, maybe once or twice. She just needs to deal with her emotions and shit, she can’t move on until she does.”