“Rhian.”
“She’ll be okay eventually. But the way you look at her, I think you still love her. And if you do, then you need to man up, stop being stubborn, and get her back.”
Lara just stared.
Rhian paused to take a breath. “She’s more stubborn than you, so it has to be you. It’s so dumb, I know. But it’s Asha. I mean, you know how she is.”
Lara interrupted. “Do you think she’d move to Germany with me?”
Now it was Rhian’s turn to stare.
And then squeal.
“Are you serious? You’re going to ask her to move in with you? Bold move, Larry.”
“Well, I mean no. We don’t need a keeper but I’m positive another team will sign her. And at least we’d be in the same country. But either way, I need her. Even if it means doing the distance thing again.”
Rhian thought about it. “Technically, she doesn’t really have anything holding her here. And she needs to find a club. That’s a major request though. Leaving the beach behind? Moving to a new country? Having to learn a new language,” she ticked off on her fingers.
“You’re right, it’s stupid.” Lara deflated.
“She’d do it. She’d do anything for you,” Rhian said quietly. “No, dammit, sorry, don’t cry! Look, you need a speech. A good one. Knock her off her feet.”
“She won’t listen to me.”
“She’s good at avoiding people, I’ll give you that. I’ll figure something out. No worries.”
Lara collapsed on the bed after she left.
So, no more chickening out. She knew Rhian would kill her if she didn’t follow through. She also knew that Rhian was persistent when she wanted to be.
And Rhian was calling them stubborn? She’s one to talk.
If Rhian said she’d get Asha to talk to her, it was almost guaranteed to happen.
Lara got up and paced. It was a huge request. She doubted Asha would go for it, but she figured she’d try. Lara hadn’t shared the rest of her idea with Rhian. Promising to leave Germany again. A real promise this time. For good. Follow Asha at the first chance of breaking her contract. Let Asha choose their path.
It terrified her, that was her home, her safe zone, her life.
But life without Asha?
Lara had already experienced that. And, to put it bluntly, it sucked.
Rhian was right, she knew Asha would do - would have done - anything for her. She could only hope that that was still the case. Now it was her turn to step up.
The ring of her phone interrupted her thoughts.
“That was quick.”
“Yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before! It’s genius. It’s so simple, but genius.”
“Rhian.”
“Genius. Freaking genius.”
“Rhi.”
“Just come to our house. She probably won’t kick you out. Probably? No, she won’t. She’s way too polite. She’s more of a runner. And if she tries to leave, you have me, Vianne, and Alexa to block the door. It’ll be an ambush!”
“Ambush?”
“Ambush of love!”
“I don’t know.”
“No, it’s perfect. Trust me. We just need to work out logistics. Easy.
“Right. Easy.”
“You’re going back to Germany tomorrow, right? When could you get away again?”
“Are we really doing this?”
“Hey, that’s on you. I’m just trying to get you two in one place to talk. Everything else is in your hands.”
“Maybe in a few weeks? Solomon would probably lend me some money for the ticket.”
“Okay, well, try really hard. Call me when you know for sure.”
Chapter 17
TWO weeks had passed since camp, but for Asha, it felt like a lifetime.
Asha’s hand still twinged, marked with fading bruises, a reminder of that night. The night that she completely came unhinged.
The last few days of camp, Asha could sense Lara staring at her and it took all of her strength to not turn her head and meet her gaze.
And every day since then, she wondered what would have happened if she had done so. Just once more – allowed herself to get lost in Lara’s eyes. But she had made the right decision. She told herself that again and again, every time she wondered. It was time to move on.
Easier said than done.
Her roommates banded together to keep her busy. Every morning, Asha went surfing with Vianne and Rhian. The afternoons were dedicated to soccer. The three had decided they wanted to try goalkeeper training. They had concocted this idea that they could actually learn how to be decent and wow the team at the next keeper tryout.
It was entertaining, to say the least. And Asha had to admit that it was fun as hell to drill balls at them for once.
It was even better to see Alexa, usually so tough and competitive on the pitch, squeal and cower every time a ball came within her vicinity.
But then Rhian bragged of her future skills to Annica, who of course told Sashia what they were up to. They both read them the riot act, going on about the Olympics and injuries. That ended that quickly.
Vianne then decided to teach them tricks. Asha was terrible, but it gave her something to do while her hand still healed.
In the evenings, they watched movies and played endless games of Monop and Scrabble.
During the day, Asha was mostly able to keep it together.
So far though, she wrapped herself in tears every night.
Though Asha tried to be quiet and discrete - she was still hell-bent on suffering alone – usually at least one would find her lost in her thoughts, drifting in her personal sea of misery.
They all had different styles of comforting.
Rhian would climb behind her to grip her tightly, no words for once, just infusing her with her strength.
Alexa would soothe her to sleep, stroking her hair, rubbing her back, the Baby Horse turned out to be excellent at babying.
Vianne would sprawl on her, across her, next to her, all limbs, warm and smelling like the beach. She talked about soccer and surfing and memories of UNC in her slow, calm voice until Asha’s sobs quieted.
***
“Whatcha doing, Vi Vi?”
“Don’t call me that,” Vianne yelled as she rummaged in the freezer. She walked back out to the living room with a bag of ice.
“What’s with the ice?”
“She punched a hole in her wall.”
Alexa jumped up, fully intending to storm into Asha’s room. Rhian grabbed her by her sweatshirt and yanked her back on the couch so hard that her head recoiled off the cushion.
Alexa glowered. Rhian shrunk under her glare.
“Sorry. I forget how strong I am.”
“I’m gonna kill her.”
“I know. That’s why you’re staying here. Vianne’ll handle it.”
Vianne walked into the room, and tossed the bag of ice to Asha.
“Thanks,” she muttered.
Vianne sat next to her and looked at her hand. “Yo. You’ve gotta stop punching things.”
“I know. Today was a bad day.”
“Must’ve been.”
“It’s more than Lara. It’s a lot of things.”
“Okay.”
“I can’t talk about it. I don’t want to cry. I’m so tired of crying.”
“Take a nap. And then we’ll talk about it later.”
Asha nodded gratefully, gave her a weak smile, and pulled the covers over her head.
***
“HOW’S she doing?”
“Sleeping.”
“Why can’t we tell her? I hate seeing her like this.”
“We can’t, Alexa. You know that. This is between them, it’s not for us to tell. And what if Lara backs out? Ash would be devastated.”
“This sucks, dude.”
“I don’t get where this Hulk Ash came from. She’s always had a temper but nothing like this.”
“Kübler-Ross,”
Rhian nodded sagely.
Vianne and Alexa just stared blankly.
“Really, guys? You never heard of...oh, never mind.”
“Is that a dude?” Vianne whispered to Alexa.
Rhian narrowed her eyes. “The five stages of grief! No? Nothing? Where did I go wrong with you two? I’m going to start the Rhian School for My Idiot Best Friends so you stop embarrassing me.”
“Alright, Stanford. Are you going to explain or keep making fun of us?”
“Keep making fun. Duh.”
***
ASHA cringed as she saw the card for a therapist taped to her coffee mug.
Rhian, no doubt.
Just as she was tearing it off to ball it up, Rhian walked in and looked at her intently.
“You’ll consider it?”
Asha shook her head.
“You don’t want to talk to us about it, I get that. But I think that’s what you need. Talk and work through it.”
“I’m fine.”
“Oh no no. Don’t start that shit again,” Rhian warned. “Seriously, just think about it.”
Asha finally nodded, and was almost bowled over by Rhian’s aggressive hug.
***
ASHA collapsed on the bed. She had begged off from soccer, claiming tiredness. She was exhausted, but then again she always was these days. She felt on edge and ready to snap at any moment.
Asha wanted a nap, but knew it wasn’t going to happen, not the way her mind was racing.
She picked up her sketchpad, but that just made her more frustrated. She couldn’t get anything to look like the image in her mind.
She wandered through the house searching for a distraction. She flipped through channels, tried to read a book. Vacuumed for about two minutes.
Everything just made her want to scream.
Asha found her way back to her bedroom, beyond annoyed.
At everything.
At life, at her friends, at her hand, at the stupid refrigerator which was making that weird noise again. At the clothes stacked in piles waiting to be washed, the dishes in the sink, the empty water bottles strewn throughout the house.
At the appointment with the therapist scheduled for tomorrow.
Annoyed at the fact that she was going to see one, and annoyed at the fact that she was so scared. She had done therapy sessions before - with sport psychologists and the like. It really wasn’t a big deal.
But it was. This felt different. Like there was more on the line. Like if the therapist couldn’t help her, she had nowhere else to turn.
In short, Asha was pissed off at the world.
Yoga. That might help. Asha tried to remember the positions and breathing patterns she had learned at camp.
Her mind started to wander, eventually settling on a particularly R-rated memory.
Oh.
Maybe that’s why she had been so irritated lately. It had been a while.
Asha looked at her watch, calculating how much alone time she had. Twenty minutes?
Not a lot, but enough.
Asha reached down with her fingers first, teasing until the heat started to spread upwards, filling her entire body. She was brought quickly down to earth when her hand started screaming.
Vibrator it was then.
A low hum filled the air. Asha reached down with her other hand, hips rising in rhythm. Her fingers found her spot and she curled hard strokes against it.
Her mind returned to Lara, try as she might to think about anyone else.
The images of nights spent with Lara made her reel, hips jerking upward as the familiar itch crept in.
Asha held her breath, regaining control, trying to hold on a little longer, not ready to propel herself over the edge.
If she tried hard enough, she thought she could feel Lara’s hands running down her sides, tracing her abs, making her squirm and giggle. Her hands pushing up her bra. Her soft mouth mapping her body, placing delicate kisses on every inch of skin. Open mouth kisses following her hands, sharp nips eased with gentle strokes of her tongue, lower, lower.
A flash of their last blowout fight interrupted her imagination.
Anger in Lara’s eyes, replacing lust. Her face as she shouted - red, tense, and hard.
Asha’s heart sank at the memory and she tried so hard to force it away, trying to remember the good times.
She was vaguely aware of a small sound that she couldn’t really identify. That didn’t belong in her room, or in an empty house. But she was feeling too much to really pay attention.
The memory of the fight slipped back a few moments later, and her eyes welled.
She doesn’t love you. She’ll never love you.
Tears began to fall.
She was so close though. She ached too much to stop now.
Well, fuck. This can’t be healthy.
One final gasp and Asha fell off the edge. Her abs contracted violently as she cried Lara’s name. Her chest heaved, and she gulped in shuddering breaths as she drifted down. The tears fell harder.
Amidst her tears, she heard another sound. The memory of what she had ignored a few minutes earlier rushed back.
A deep sense of unease met her, as Asha slowly opened her eyes.
“Oh fuck! Jesus Christ!”
The vibrator went flying from her hand, still buzzing, and Asha frantically grabbed for something to cover her. In her haste, she ended up hopelessly tangled and on the floor.
Asha felt her face heat to a deep red. She wasn’t one for praying, but she screwed her eyes shut and prayed. Prayed that this wasn’t happening, prayed this was a dream, maybe a hallucination.
It couldn’t get much worse.
Not only had she caught her getting off - which was embarrassing enough - she had been crying (pretty fucking weird), and she was almost certain she had screamed her name.
FUCK.
Lara stood in the doorway, frozen in shock.
Asha cursed again and finally drew enough courage to open her eyes, but not enough to meet her gaze.
Lara stumbled over her words, frantically apologizing. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, Rhian told me where the key was. I didn’t think, I didn’t...oh god.”
Rhian. Of fucking course.
Asha shuddered and interrupted her ramblings. “Why aren’t you in Germany?”
Lara opened her mouth and closed it, speechless.
“Just, never mind. Why didn’t you fucking knock? How long were you standing there? What the fuck are you doing here? The fuck were you thinking?” Asha shouted.
Asha took a deep breath when she saw Lara wince. She was deeply embarrassed, an emotion she didn’t deal with that well. Asha usually covered it with anger. “I’m sorry, I...I’m sorry.”
Lara nodded slowly. She clearly didn’t know what to say.
Asha stood, turning around to pull her shorts back on. Lara glanced away.
It threw her off, Lara turning to give her privacy.
Asha moved towards the still-buzzing toy and switched it off. The room settled into a strange silence.
Why was she here? Lecture her? Yell at her for being an idiot?
The panic set in, she had to get out of here. She felt like she was going to cry - that awful feeling when her head felt too full and her lungs too small.
She did not want Lara to see her cry. Again.
She had embarrassed herself enough.
Asha started to leave the room.
“Asha, don’t leave.” Lara’s voice rose in panic.
Asha froze at the fear in her voice. She remembered the accusations of their last fight. How could she be upset at Lara for running when she’s been doing the same thing?
“Okay. But let me just...” Asha nodded towards the bathroom across the hall.
Asha washed her hands slowly, splashed water on her face, stared into the mirror. She tried to curb the urge to slip out the front door. She had to hear Lara out, she owed her that at the very least.
This couldn’t be real. She was still slightly in a
daze. Fuck. Get it together. Snap out of it.
Asha walked back in. “Alexa,” she began. “Why the hell didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t want to interrupt?”
Asha began to laugh. She sat on the bed as the uncontrollable laughter overtook her.
Lara looked at her uncertainly before taking a few steps forward. She was bewildered - one second Asha was crying and now she was giggling hysterically.
“You were right. I need you.” Lara took another step, reaching out with her hand.
Asha stopped laughing immediately. She felt like she had been punched.
Well, that was straight to the point.
Asha looked at the floor and bit her lip, and stifled the urge to take her hand.
She shook her head slightly. And then again, stronger this time.
Lara went cold. Her hand trembled a little. She held it out there for a few more seconds before pulling it back, clenching it to hide the shaking.
Oh no. No no no.
She was about to have her heart broken again.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Chapter 18
“ASH,” Lara’s voice broke. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And I lied before. I never stopped loving you. I tried...I thought I was doing the right thing, and then it all got so messed up and I thought it was too late to fix it. It was the biggest mistake to let you go. I’m so sorry." Lara swallowed hard, trying to control her nerves, trying to control the shakiness of her voice. “I’ve had this speech planned out for months, but I can’t really think straight right now.”
Asha reddened. “I can’t imagine why.”
After a few seconds of silence, Asha finally looked up with a bashful hint of a smile.
There it was.
Lara felt a wave of encouragement from that simple action.
Lara sat next to her on the bed, took a deep breath, and gently took her hand.
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