Dancing Hours

by Jennifer Browning

  Kate found me in the back yard and put her arm around me. “Feeling better?” she asked. I moaned in response. “At least I’m not throwing up anymore.” I said.

  “No kidding!” she exclaimed. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.” She hugged me hard. I promised not to and we sat in comfortable silence for a few moments. Then she climbed the fence in the backyard to get home. I hadn’t seen her do that in a long time and it made me a little sad again.

  David returned my Jeep in the afternoon, dressed like he had just finished work at the mall. The vomit had been cleaned up, but the smell lingered. I thanked him and apologized for ruining his day off. I was more than a little embarrassed by my massive regurgitations the day before. He said he’d had a good time, met some cool people and not to worry about it. He was holding a teddy bear that I recognized as Jessica’s. She asked him to bring it to me to help me feel better. I asked him to thank her for me and he said that he would. He also told me news that floored me – Noah was gone. He was going back to California.

  “I’m sure he’d like to say goodbye if you want to call him.” He offered.

  “Sure” I said, but I didn’t call. He was moving, he didn’t tell me. Clearly I was imagining that he liked me. I did get a text later that night. It said L8R trouble. Maybe I’ll CU in CA. It was better this way anyway.

  9

  As the long, hot July days wound to an end, I spent more time with David and Jessica. She became a member of my Tuesday ballet class and David spent the class time working out at the gym. Sometimes he told me what Noah was doing in L.A., but mostly we became good friends. He told me what he could about Southern California, but the valley was different from Los Angeles. He said it was the kind of city where nothing is as it seems, everything is larger than life and you could disappear without a trace. The last part was supposed to sound dark and foreboding, but it sounded like heaven to me. I craved the excitement, the anonymity.

  David and I worked out a deal after our failed day out. For every hour I spent babysitting Jessica, he would proofread one of my college papers. I think I got the better end of the deal. Jessica was fun to be around. College papers were surely boring.

  By the end of the summer I’d racked up 37 papers worth of proofreading. It was the best summer I’d had in ten years. We had swum in the creek, played at the park and done a lot of experimental cooking. She even helped me shop for new school clothes. Her tastes ran toward really girlie dresses, though, so we didn’t buy much.

  David used my babysitting time for job interviews sometimes or to get errands done that were easier without a little tagalong, but mostly he spent the time jogging or working out. He regarded staying in shape as a job just like working or taking care of Jessica and approached all of those things with the same dedication. It was impressive.

  Once a week or so I would make it out to the mall and take David to lunch at the food court. It confused me to be making new friends at home when I was planning to leave soon.

  One time I asked him where Jessica’s mother was. He said he didn’t know and didn’t care. I got the idea that it wasn’t really my business, so I stopped asking questions about her after that. Sometimes I resented David’s constant presence. If I wasn’t already at his house for cooking lessons, I was working or teaching dance lessons. In the in between time, if he wasn’t working, he hung out with me and Kate. When the together time got to be too much, he usually figured it out and went on his way.

  I spent a lot of time going through my things since childhood to take only the things I would need for a year at school and weed out stuff that would be uncool. Stuffed animals? Out. L.A. Guidebook? Probably not cool, but definitely in.

  Kate picked a fight with me when August melted into view, but we made up and I knew she was just sad to see me go. Before I left town, I made sure to give little Jessica an early birthday present – a dress that she said she’s “gotta have” and a box of all my childhood bows, barrettes and headbands. They were mostly gifts from Nan still in perfect condition because I was not a barrettes and headbands kind of girl.

  She squealed with delight and went to try them all on. She didn’t pay much attention as I called out “goodbye” after her and promised to see her soon.

  After weeks of wearing me down, Kate got me to agree to a going away party. It was a huge bash the night before my flight. It was epic. My entire class seemed to be there along with a fair amount of people I didn’t even recognize. During the day it was a barbecue. Parents and young kids milled around chatting and playing. As the day wore on, they all disappeared with warm goodbyes. As night came, it was friends my age that stuck around to make an evening of it. My parents vowed to stay in their room and watch TV and not come out unless it was an emergency. When a DJ showed up I looked sternly at Kate. She shrugged.

  “I already warned the neighbors and gave them earplugs.” She said “Besides, what do you care, you’re blowing this town tomorrow so let’s blow it up tonight!” she reasoned.

  Her enthusiasm and my general good mood sealed the deal. We danced the night away. In the dark with strobe lights erected in my backyard, it felt wonderful and anonymous. I wasn’t the only one feeling my daytime persona melt away. I saw a lot of friends being uncharacteristically carefree – especially Kate who was chatting up the DJ which I wouldn’t have minded at all if it weren’t for the fact that he sometimes missed the cue to put up a new song. It turns out they had met at a regional summer band camp a few years back. Kate was the only girl on the trumpet line and the DJ remembered her instantly.

  She came back to dance with me every once in a while and I danced with everyone else there. She thought the party needed a little more romance suddenly and departed to request a slow song from the DJ. Thing 2 tried to come dance with me. He was sloppy drunk even though we didn’t have any alcohol at the party so I guessed he’d been drinking before he came. I laughed hard and turned him around, pushing him in the general direction of anybody else without too much trouble.

  There was an abrupt interruption with no music and I looked to see Kate talking to the DJ again. The crowd groaned at the interruption and the DJ took his attention away from Kate to get it moving again. That’s when David first showed up.

  “Pretty smooth move with the guy over there.” He mused.

  “Thank you. I have been known to handle myself well.”

  “I can see that. Are you dancing?”

  “I was, but Kate keeps distracting the DJ.”

  David looked over and smiled. “Sounds like Kate.” He said and I realized that we’d spent a good amount of time hanging out with her this summer. David was new, but he’d really become a part of this place. The music started to a sweet, slow melody. Without a word, David extended a hand to me and I took it. He pulled me close wrapping one arm around my waist and pulling my hand to his chest. I had seen couples dancing like this before, but I’d never done it myself. David and I had never been that close to each other.

  I don’t know if I tensed up or how he knew, but David looked me sincerely in the eye and said “Relax a little. It’s just a dance.”

  I smiled. It was just a dance. I moved in closer and rested my head against his chest. He smelled sweet, spicy and warm at the same time. And he felt comfortable, like we’d been that way before and fit together perfectly. The music was too loud, but I wondered what it would sound like if I could hear his heart beating. For those few minutes we swayed together and I tried to think of nothing, to just relax. But even though I was trying very hard to think of nothing, I felt something. It was warmth and happiness. There was also a little nervousness… that this dance might mean something; might create a seismic shift that wouldn’t allow me to look at him the same way again.

  When the song ended we stopped. I stayed that way for a moment, listening to see if I could hear his heart, but the ambient noise was still too loud. I was interrupted from my reverie by David asking if I had fallen asleep. I heard it from his mouth and felt it vibrate in his ch
est at the same time. I stepped back, acutely aware that we’d been standing there cuddling in a yard full of my friends. I smiled awkwardly, said I hadn’t been sleeping and that I needed to go check on the snacks. I turned quickly and walked away leaving him standing there looking confused. It felt like there was an extra spring in my step.

  He’s got a kid. You don’t want to be stuck here. You’re about to leave and go travel and this isn’t right. You shouldn’t be even entertaining the notion. He’s probably not even thinking that and even if he is you could ruin a perfectly good friendship. The thoughts were swirling through my head without resting.

  I practically hid in my house for the next hour. When my school friends started leaving with hugs and tears and well wishes, I found myself wondering, would I ever see them again?

  “You doing okay?” came a deep voice as I watched Shannon Myer leave with her boyfriend.

  I painted on a smile and turned. “Yeah, David, I’m doing okay.”

  “Really? Cause you’re doing that thing with your mouth that you do when you’re sad.” He said.

  “What thing?” I asked.

  Kate approached with a bowl of chips from outside. “Oh, she’s been totally doing that thing all night. Admit it. You don’t want to leave.” She said.

  “What thing?!” I demanded.

  “Nevermind. Hey look, the DJ needs a ride home. He’s so cute. Am I going to be a bad friend if I take him?” She asked.

  Totally.

  “No way, go ahead.” I said.

  We hugged hard and I started to cry. We said our I love you’s and Kate bounced away. I wasn’t offended by her sudden departure. Kate was never good with goodbyes and making it quick, like ripping off a bandage, seemed less painful. I looked around to see David cleaning up.

  “You don’t have to clean up.” I insisted. He laughed.

  “It’s not going to clean itself and I believe you have the guest of honor title.” He said.

  “Very true.” I conceded and began to help. “So what’s the thing with my mouth?” I asked.

  I could see him smile, but he didn’t look at me. “When you are sad, you kind of pull in one corner of your mouth.”

  “I do not!” I threw an empty plastic cup at him. I knew that I pulled in the corner of my mouth when I was sad, but I didn’t think it was obvious to other people, so I was a little embarrassed.

  “Hey!” David returned fire with two bags of chips. One of them was open and I got Cheetos in my hair. I walked over with a bowl of pretzels and a devilish look in my eye, but as I got close, he grabbed my wrist. I went for it anyway – after all, he’d gotten Cheetos in my hair. He ducked and pulled at the same time and we fell over the couch and onto the floor. Laughing like lunatics we each grabbed a handful of pretzels and squished them in our hands onto each other’s hair. I squealed and pulled back to reload, but he held me tight so I couldn’t reach any more. One arm wrapped around me and the other held my wrist and I squirmed to reach the pretzels until I finally had to concede the match.

  “Okay, you win.” I smiled at him. He stared at me intently and I became very aware of how our bodies were entwined and touching. The quick beat of my heart from physical exertion made way to skipped beats of nervous anticipation. Gently he released my wrist. He smiled warmly at me and reached up to put a hand behind my head, pulling a couple of Cheetos out. Softly, he said “You are a beautiful woman and I am going to miss you very much.” He pulled me in for a hug, the kind of hug that fills your senses – his warmth, his smell, the beat of his heart, the feel of his stubble on my face, the strength of his arms. I disappeared into that hug.

  Nan had always said to me Never be the first one to let go of a hug. As a result, Nan and I often had some very long hugs. I followed her advice that night and the hug went on until he let go. When he released me, it felt suddenly final. I was leaving, my friends were staying. From here, I would have to walk alone.

  I started to cry and David sat me down on the couch and put his arm around me. That’s how my mother found us. She murmured some soothing words, thanked David and sent him home. My summer was over and the world awaited me.

  I had begged my parents early in the summer to let me fly alone to school. I had solid arguments – being mature for my age and a completely responsible person who had never gotten caught shoplifting or drinking under age. Although I loved them dearly, I wanted to do this on my own. My mother cried, my father asked if I was embarrassed of them. It took me weeks to convince them I would be okay. Nan chimed in with her opinion that a lady shouldn’t travel alone. She had her rules and I’m sure she had her reasons, but above all I kept thinking that this was my life and it was finally about to begin. I guess I wanted to shake the dirt off and start without any preconceived notions of what or who I should be. I could be any person I wanted; but not with my mom standing beside me. I would always be a little girl while she was with me. Besides, everyone will be there by themselves, I thought.

  It was a tearful goodbye. I had a mixture of sadness and excitement- bittersweet. As I looked at them one last time, my parents looked older than I had ever seen them. I thought they’d be happy. They could turn my room into a gym or an office. I rolled my suitcase into the airport and they drove away. I was alone. Taking a deep breath, I headed for my plane.

  I left too much time to get through security. The line was shorter than I expected and it took only 15 minutes or so. I was left with two hours to wait before my flight. I found my gate and sat among a sea of tuned out people. A guy about my age was sitting on the floor with sunglasses and headphones on. I wondered why he was wearing sunglasses inside and thought he must be trying to look cool, but then decided I was being mean and perhaps he had some kind of light sensitivity. A woman sat knitting something that looked like a baby blanket. I imagined she might be going to see a new granddaughter. Two old men sat near her chatting easily with each other. Almost everyone else nearby was lost in a laptop, phone or music player. Only one person had a real book. She looked like a nice person. For the first time in my life, I thought whatever I was heading for might be as exciting as what everyone else was headed for.

  10

  Arriving at LAX, I stepped off the plane into a surreal world of beauty. It was as if all the other cities I had ever been to had selected their most beautiful people and sent them here. I was stunned by the perfection of the women around me. Some of it was natural, some not so much. But all of it was intimidating. I was a simple girl from a small town. How would I ever fit in here?

  My first days at school were a blur. I had so many things to learn, people to meet, places to be. Being in charge of getting myself to classes at odd times a couple of days a week was more challenging that I expected. Somehow knowing how to feed myself, do laundry and clean wasn’t as versatile as I thought. My roommate was a local girl who was unimpressed with my naivete and unabashed excitement. Ultimately, it was my goal to make new friends, and I did. I got a job right away at the university where they were impressed that I had traveled so far to come to school with no family or friends to fall back on.

  On my second Saturday morning there, the phone rang and a man asked for me. He said he had a package from Nan. I came down to the lobby to meet him. That box was a life line: some “just add water” food, instant coffee, a cozy blanket and some school supplies. I thanked the man, who wasn’t dressed like a postman or any private mail courier. He smiled warmly, said it was his pleasure and was gone. Something seemed familiar about him.

  Those packages kept coming – every two weeks like clockwork. Every time, it was the same middle-aged courier. He became a welcome familiarity. My new friends and I were getting closer, but some came and went. I called Kate all the time and got news of what was going on back home. She still lived at home and drove to school. So far college had felt like a high school extension to her, but there were some new friends for her too and I tried not to be jealous. After all, we had both moved on. I asked how David was doing and she had good thi
ngs to report. He was still working and Jessica was going to Kindergarten.

  I called David a few times too. He sounded happy, grounded. We talked for an hour one night. My ear became hot and irritated from holding the phone so close to my head. At the end of the call he told me earnestly that Jessica really missed me. It felt like he was trying to say something else – that he missed me. I was curious about whether or not he had started to date anyone, but it felt like prying. He didn’t ask me about things like that, so I shouldn’t ask him.

  A week after that call, I received a handwritten letter from David.

  We got off the phone an hour ago and I still can’t sleep. It isn’t the same around here without you. I go to the Laundromat and there’s no one there reading books and cleaning out dryers. I’m sure those dryers are going to catch fire one of these days because you aren’t here. The whole town seems different… a little sadder and gray.