by Michelle Lee
"He's really…."
"I don't fucking care," I seethe as I feel the anger inch its way up from my core.
"Fine, fine, be that way." She pouts and then sticks her tongue out at me.
I ignore Macy and begin to get lost in the music, when something Macy says pulls me back to reality.
"Chad, are you fucking insane? I can't believe you did this," Macy yells as she punches him in the chest, hard.
"Ow, what the fuck Macy? Shit, I didn't want to be the third wheel on the chick tricycle," Chad says as he rubs his chest.
"I'll deal with you later. Kassidy…." Macy's eyes dart away from me to the stairs.
There standing on the landing is him. I immediately turn to Macy with probably what only can be described as a very pained expression of help and fury on my face.
"I'm sorry Kas, I didn't know. Dumbass here apparently invited him without fucking thinking," she says as she reaches for me.
"I know, it's fine, I'm outta here." I quickly chug my drink and get up to leave.
I move to the stairs and he just stands there blocking the only way out.
"Get out of my way," I grit through my teeth.
"Kassidy, just give me…"
I push on him as hard as I can, causing him to eventually move out of the way. I high-tail it down the stairs as I feel the tears prick my eyes knowing I’m about to lose it. I was fine until I actually saw him, or at least I thought I was. But the moisture pooling in the corner of my eyes is evidence that I am clearly not fine. I’ve tried to be strong, tried to forget, tried to not think, but seeing him face to face knocked trying off its ass.
I make my way past the writhing bodies on the dance floor and a few couples making out before I reach the exit. Flinging the door open the cooler night air hits me like a welcoming hug. There isn’t a cab in sight, so I start to make my way down the street with no real plan as to what I am doing or how I am getting home. The only plan I have at the moment to get as far away from After Dark and him as I can. I’m not too far from the club when I hear him and my name. I try to walk faster and put more distance between me and him, but damn him and his long-ass legs. Before I can take another step I feel him behind me, and then I feel his hand on my shoulder sending a bolt of shock and pleasure through me. I shudder and hate myself for reacting to his touch the way I am.
"Kassidy," he breathes into my neck.
I jerk from my touch and turn and stare him straight into his gorgeous green eyes. Again I hate myself for thinking anything is gorgeous about him. With my best attempt I shoot daggers at him, hoping to drive home the point that I want nothing to do with him. Actions do speak louder than words, and I’m afraid my words would fail me at the moment. Him and his damn hypnotic eyes.
"Keep your fucking hands off me," I seethe.
"Kassidy, please," he begs.
"Please what? Please let me add you to the fucking harem of numbers on your phone? Please let me fuck you again? Please let me have not only your body, but your fucking mind and soul too, so I can…I can…" I break into a million pieces in front of him, hating myself even more than I already do. I never wanted him to see me like this. He doesn’t deserve to see how much he hurt me. He doesn’t deserve to feel guilty, apologetic or pity or anything. He doesn’t deserve anything from me.
"Kassidy, it's not like, I'm not like…" I stop him and gather all the courage I can and sequester the hurt and pain.
"It's not like what? Because from where I'm standing it is! Do you know how hard it was for me…for me to give myself to you like that, only to have you throw it back at me? My first impression of you was correct; you are a complete and total asshole! No, I'm wrong you're a fucking dick and I'm the asshole for thinking otherwise!" The tears well up in my eyes and begin to spill forth. I quickly turn to walk away from him. I need distance. I need solitude. I need…I need so much and he can’t give that to me.
"Kassidy, wait!" he pleads as he grabs me by the shoulders.
"Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Me." I stress each word as my body becomes rigid.
I jerk from under his grip and head down the street. But I can still hear him behind me as his footsteps pound on the pavement; coming closer and closer. He easily catches up to me; I feel him reach for me and he spins me around. He grabs me by my arms, pinning them to my side. He gazes into my eyes, and I turn away from him not wanting to see the pity in those eyes, nor do I want to give him the satisfaction, and let him see the hurt in mine.
"Kassidy," he utters as he pulls me to him.
I look up at him and decide to let him see the pain and agony I’ve been in since that night, thinking maybe then he will let me go. But when I stare into his eyes I see them begin to glisten and it’s like he’s beginning to break into a million pieces himself. But he doesn’t get to, he doesn’t deserve to. "Don't," I tremble.
He leans down to me and crashes his lips to mine, but I resist kissing him. I go stone still as if I were a statue. He doesn’t get to kiss me now, not ever. He tries to get me to open to him, to surrender, but I stay strong and still. I am a statue. I am emotionless. I am not a participant.
He pushes his lips harder into mine and my lips have a mind of their own and I find myself kissing him back. Our lips merge together as one, caressing all the hurt and pain away. I feel my body ignite in flames. He brushes his tongue against my bottom lip and without hesitation my lips part and welcome his. I so want to hate him, to not feel anything for him, but it’s useless. I still love this man and even though I’ve tried desperately not to, my body and heart know differently. My head is not winning this battle. I decide against my better judgment to pour my heart and soul into this kiss; maybe then I can move on—a good-bye of sorts. I just wish I knew what he was playing at. Our kiss grows in intensity and passion. His hands cup either side of face holding me to him. I feel moisture pool down my cheeks and I can’t stop the growing ache deep inside me. An ache because this kiss hurts so good and because I still believe he could be my more. My body and heart have shut down my brain. Our tongues tango, as our breathing accelerates. My heart pounds in my chest, my body is on fire and my mind is numb. Our tongues continue to intertwine, becoming one, as if they were always meant to be. My heart pounds harder, stronger, and in rhythm with his. The sound they make together seems to say more…more…more. My heart believes it, my soul believes it, my head can’t, I won’t let it. Our tongues separate and our lips meet once again as they move together in sync. Finally, we pull away and I feel filled, yet hollow at the same time. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. This is it…this is good-bye. I stare at him, getting lost in the depths of his green eyes that are showing me things I don’t want to believe, I can’t believe. I make sure my wall is firmly in place. And then he says something that shocks my system and paralyzes me. "Kassidy, I love you."
All I can do is stare at him in complete and utter disbelief as a rogue tear slides down my cheek. I am numb, my mind is racing right along with my heart, and yet I say nothing. Even though those words are what I’ve wanted to hear from him a few nights ago. I say nothing.
"Kassidy, I love you."
Before I can let myself believe and fall again, I do what my walls are begging me to do; I remain silent and leave him standing there jumping into the first cab I see. As I start to get in, I turn and look at him standing there looking like his world is crumbling, just like mine did and is doing.
Once the cab pulls away the tears easily flow down my cheeks and I don't care. I am overtaken by emotion, happiness, sadness, lust, want, love and even hate. I hate that he waited so long to say it and I hate myself for leaving him there, but I had to. My head is spinning and my heart pounds in the walls of chest as if it is trying to punch a hole straight through it. Part of me wants to wrap my arms around him, hold him close to me, explore every inch of him and tell him that I love him too. But the other part, the part that ran, is terrified, terrified of letting him love me. I have built up my walls before him and I have just started to build them up again
. When he said those words "Kassidy, I love you" the bricks came tumbling down one by one, even after I so desperately tried to keep them up and in place. I hate myself for letting that happen. Only a week ago I had said those same words to him and was met with silence, I guess this is payback thanks to my subconscious. Payback is a bitch and right now that bitch's name is Kassidy Marshall. I’m sure he hates me now, too. The tears somewhat subside as the hiccups take their place.
"You okay Miss?" the cabdriver questions.
"Fine," I whimper.
He finally pulls up to my building; I pay him and dash inside. The elevator takes an eternity to get to my floor. Thankfully I ride it alone because once again the tears come. I grip the handrail, holding on to it for dear life and ease myself down to the floor.
Hold it together.
I'm trying too.
We'll be home soon, just a couple more floors.
My inner self has been silent since I got into the cab, but the sound of her voice cracks as she is crying too.
Finally, the elevator reaches my floor. I pick myself as I wrap my arms tightly around my torso. I am afraid if I don't my heart and everything else will spill out. I make it down the hall in a daze. I’m basically on autopilot and the lyrics from A Matter of Feeling float around in my head. I steady myself against the door jamb as I search my purse for my keys. It isn't a large purse, but I can't easily find them.
"Fuck!"
I throw my purse to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere. I fall to my knees as I scramble amongst my things in search of my keys. I finally spot them, pick everything up and stand up. With a shaky hand I jam the key into the lock and turn it. The door swings open and I am met by complete darkness and silence. My apartment is as empty as I feel. I stumble inside with a heavy head and heart and close the door behind me. I don't get very far when I slump down, curl up into the fetal position and let the emotional onslaught begin again. This time the tears rush from my eyes, my body convulses and shivers with every tear and I grip myself tightly practically digging my nails into my flesh.
I am…I am…I am….
You are what? What are you gonna say? Because whatever it is, you're not. The only thing you are is scared.
I'm an insensitive bitch!
No. You're. Not.
All right, I'm a fucking stupid bitch!
No. You're. Not.
Okay then, what the fuck am I then if not one of those because to just leave him there was inexcusable? Did you not see the look on his face? Did you not see the fucking pain in his eyes as I turned away from him and got into the cab without saying a fucking word? Did you? Because I don't think you did. If you had you wouldn't be saying "no you're not" you would be calling something, anything.
Fine, you want me to call you something?
YES!
Fine, you are a stubborn bitch! For the first time in your life a guy, a really genuine guy, has come along and you were too blind to see what was right in front of you. Now that you have and he has said what we have always wanted to hear from a man, it has completely and utterly scared the shit of you and I understand why you ran. I totally understand why. You, me, we've been dumped on in the past. Our selection of men hasn't been the greatest. But Davis is different, he isn't like the others. You have every right to be guarded, to be scared. We have a habit of running, especially when we're scared, but this can stop now because we don't have to be scared. The pain you and me saw in his eyes was there because he does love us. He really does. You can fix this, we can fix this. We just need to be brave and give him a chance, give you a chance, give us a chance.
If it were only that easy.
Oh, but it is. You need to let this all out, this emotional tirade that we have been holding onto since you said "I love you" and once that's done, you call him, go look for him, whatever and make it right, make it what you have always wanted. Because it's right there in front of you waiting.
Again, if it were only that easy.
Oh. My. God. See stubborn bitch is the right name for you. Do I have to bitch slap some sense into you because don't think I won't. I have a twitchy palm here waiting.
I swear I hear my inner self clap her hands together as if she were Mr. Miyagi ready to heal Daniel in the Karate Kid, while she taps her foot in aggravation.
I fucking mean it Marshall.
Okay, okay.
The tears begin to slow their barrage and my body eases out of the fetal position. I sit up, and wipe the wetness from my face. As I stand up there is a knock at the door and my heart skips a beat and ceases in my chest. I whip around and face the door as anxiety grips a hold of me. I hesitantly make my way to the door and upon opening it, I am overcome with disappointment and relief at the same time.
"Macy?" I peer at her through blurred, tear filled vision.
"Kas, oh my God, are you okay?" she questions as she embraces me.
Mama bear is back.
"Chad and I found Davis outside the club and he said you had taken off," she says releasing me from her embrace.
Davis, she saw Davis. My heart twists in my chest, my breathing hitches. I can't breathe, I can't find air.
"Kas, breathe honey, just breathe, it's gonna be okay," Macy reassures me as I fall into her arms.
Once again the tears prick my eyes and then begin to trail down my dried cheeks.
How much more do I have in me? How much more of this can I take?
I honestly don't know. But you're strong, we're strong. We'll get through this.
Macy guides me further inside my apartment, leading me to the couch. I drop onto it feeling raw and exposed.
"Kassidy, what happened?" Macy asks as I lean into her.
"I just don't know. I guess I got scared," I confess in between sobs.
"Oh honey. I wasn't gonna let him go after you, until I saw and then I figured all would be okay. I am so sorry," Macy says apologetically as she rubs soothing circles on my back.
"Until you saw what?" I inquire.
"Until I saw the look on his face when I stopped him."
"What look, Macy?"
"The look of pure agony of seeing you leave because of him. It pained him greatly and the look of…" she hesitates.
"Macy," I insist.
"The look that he honestly loves and cares for you Kas," she finally divulges.
"You saw that?"
"Of course, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to see that. It was completely written all over his face. That's why I moved out of the way. At first I was like hells no, but then when I saw it there, I told him to go after you. I just never imagined that once he said 'I love you', you would have bolted. Although, I guess I should have known based upon past experiences," Macy continues.
Past experiences. Past experiences.
I floated down the hall of Patrick's dorm. Last night was the best, before me made love for the first time; he told me he loved me. No boy or man had ever said that to me. Patrick and I had been dating for about five months and when he finally said those words, my heart skipped a beat because I knew at that moment I loved him as well and we would be together forever. We were only juniors in college but I could see a future with him. We would live in a big house with a fenced in yard where the twins could run around and play. I usually didn't think of shit like that but Patrick had an effect on me. When I finally reached his door my heart rate accelerated and a huge smile spread across my lips, I was going to surprise the love of my life with breakfast. I heard the thumping of music coming through the door and decided not to knock because knowing Patrick he wouldn't hear it. I carefully opened the door, as I cradled two lattes in one arm and a bag of fresh chocolate croissants in the other, Patrick loved chocolate croissants. The door surprising opened easily and my eyes fell upon the scene on Patrick's bed. He was glistening and grunting as he hovered, naked, over Megan. I dropped the lattes, their contents splashing hot foam and cream on my feet and legs. Megan groaned and moaned and writhed under him. The tears began to prick my
eyes as my body went numb. I was paralyzed, unable to move, as I watched in horror as the scene unraveled in front of me.
"Patrick," I whimpered.
He grunted, "Oh fuck Megan, you feel so fucking good."
The words and sounds he made tore at my insides, breaking my heart into millions of little pieces. I so wanted to turn away, but I just couldn't, my eyes were fixated on Patrick and Megan fucking in his bed, where he had made love to me only hours ago.
"Patrick, faster baby, harder," Megan begged.
He thrust into her harder and faster just as she had asked. I stumbled forward, knocking over some books off the bookcase nearby. Patrick turned toward the noise and finally noticed me standing there; Megan did too.
"Hey Kas, you wanna join us?" he breathed.
"Please Kassidy, I've got him all warmed up for us," Megan purred as she licked Patrick's chest.
I was rendered fucking speechless as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't know what to say. I had thought Patrick had loved me, but seeing him, like this with Megan, I was at a loss.
"What do ya say Kas?" he asked as a smile curled at his lips.
Say something, anything. But I couldn't, I turned and ran out of his room. I bolted down the hall while the tears flowed like the River Styx. I flung the door open to his dorm and the sun warmed my tear-streaked face. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't feel.
"Hey, are you okay?" some random girl asked.
I looked at her completely devastated as I shook my head.
"Do you need help or something?" she continued.
"No," I muttered.
I turned away from her and continued to run through the courtyard. I just saw my boyfriend, the love of my life, fucking another girl in his bed. He said he loved me, he said he wanted only me, he said…… The bricks slowly began to take their place on the wall I started to build around my heart. I was never going to be hurt by anyone again.
My mind spins and spirals further into the past.
“Come on, Kassidy, I’ve been so patient, haven’t I?” Kevin begged.
My fingers twist in my lap, my gaze focused on them.