Nowhere to Hide (Delos Series Book 1)

by Lindsay McKenna

  “I realized the only one who could change this was me. I started challenging myself, Lia, like going into places I feared. I walked through my fear, and I must tell you, it wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes, I’d cry, just standing in a small, enclosed room. It terrified me, but I’d stay because I didn’t want to live in a self-made, invisible prison. I was becoming afraid of my shadow.”

  “That took so much courage,” Lia whispered, deeply moved.

  “It took me seven years to undo the psychological damage I’d received,” Dilara recalled. “My parents supported me, of course. I would tell them on a given day what I’d done to move that cell door open an inch more than it was the previous day. They were wonderful parents, and always made time for me when I needed them. They knew that I was doing psychological process called desensitization. The more I did it, the less reactive I became to the situation. And it has worked for me for the most part.”

  “You’re so inspiring to me,” Lia admitted enviously. “You’re so brave!”

  Dilara raised one eyebrow. “And you’re not?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Dilara placed her hand over Lia’s. “I’ve watched you grow. I’ve seen you working hard to escape your own invisible prison.”

  Nodding, Lia murmured, “It’s been tough, Dilara. Well…until lately.”

  Removing her hand, Dilara sipped her tea. “I see Cav’s influence on you, dear, and it’s all been good. Don’t you agree?”

  Lia smiled shyly. “You don’t miss much, do you?” She saw Dilara’s eyes sparkle with delight.

  “I don’t think I miss much, but you tell me, all right?”

  Setting down her glass of iced tea on the wide arm of the rocker, Lia sat back and gazed out of the screened windows, looking at the guests below them.

  “Cav supports me completely, Dilara. He’s not obvious, and we don’t talk about my scars, but we both know that I’m afraid to show the more intimate areas of my body that were scarred from the attack.”

  “But look at you today!” Dilara said proudly, gesturing toward her. “I’ve never seen you in shorts before. And you look terrific! You have no idea how much I applaud your personal courage.”

  “Thanks,” Lia whispered, meaning it. “I was scared about coming over here today, but no one seems to notice me, or that I have scars. That’s such a relief.”

  “You’ve taken another big step in pushing open your invisible cell door,” Dilara congratulated her. “And I’ll bet it feels good.”

  “Truly, it does, but it’s a daily struggle,” Lia admitted, looking down at her lap.

  “Yes, but it’s a worthy one. In time you’ll no longer worry about these scars you carry. In my case, my claustrophobia is under control. I don’t let it run my life any more. And…,” she tapped Lia’s arm, “When I met Robert? He didn’t know about my issues. We’d taken a hike in the mountains of Turkey, going on a picnic. There was an earthquake, Lia, and where we had sat, the mountain fell around us.”

  “Oh,” Lia whispered, “…no…”

  Dilara rolled her eyes. “Poor Robert. I was sitting there clinging to him, the dust making me choke, crying and losing it. He wasn’t aware of my terrible childhood experience. But you know what? He got me to settle down, and typical of being in the military, he started to try and find a way out for us. No one knew we were there. We knew no help was coming. The only way we could survive was to dig our way out. He gave me his courage, his hope and he put me to work. We had only the water and food in our knapsacks to sustain us those three days. I didn’t think we’d get out alive, but we did. Robert broke through the debris, working nonstop, day and night. I did help, but he had the strength and brawn to endure when I couldn’t go on physically speaking.”

  “What an experience,” Lia whispered, shaking her head, her respect for Robert and Dilara growing even more than before. “Did you get help after you got out?”

  “Oh, yes,” Dilara said, smiling tenderly. “I fell in love with Robert during those three days of being in the darkness with him. He feared nothing. He was so brave and supportive. I eventually broke down and told him why I was so shaken by being buried alive and he understood. I was privy to his tender side, the man who had emotions and who cared for me. We had many other experiences before he asked me to marry him. It seemed like he drew danger to him and I finally got over it because he loved me, he protected me and he respected me as his equal. Those are all things I needed in a man to think of marrying him.”

  “So?” Lia said, giving her a warm look, “you said yes?”

  “I did,” Dilara sighed. “And I’ve never been sorry about it. He’s my hero, Lia. He’s a brave, resourceful and intelligent man. Our children have his DNA and I’m so glad they do.”

  “Well, they sure have yours, too,” Lia laughed, patting her hand. “I’ve met all of them during our encrypted video sessions with them from over in Afghanistan where they’re still serving. When you and Robert talk about Artemis, the building, and get their input and ideas about it, I see both of you in Tal, Matt and Alexa during those sessions. They have your composure, your kindness and compassion. Not that Robert doesn’t have any, but I really think he gave them is leadership skills, their risk taking personalities.”

  “That’s all true,” Dilara said. Her lips curved ruefully and she shared a look with Lia. “But to knowingly go into a dark, small space like a cave? That’s where I have to draw my line!”

  “That’s completely understandable,” Lia said, smiling over at her.

  Then, Dilara said something that Lia never expected. “You know, you might want to include Cav in conversations about your scars. I think he’d understand, don’t you?”

  Lia grimaced and didn’t answer her directly. “He’s seen all but the worst one,” she explained, touching her stomach region.

  Dilara reached over, giving her a quick hug around the shoulders. “That man cares a great deal for you, Lia. Surely you know that by now?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “When I met Robert in Turkey…”

  “Yes?”

  “I was at a NATO meeting in Istanbul giving a talk on the Delos charity to the top generals from fifteen countries. Robert was there.” She sighed and smiled fondly. “I was twenty-two at the time, my usual confident self. He was such an impressive, attractive man, and so tall that he literally stood above every other man in that room. And he was so brazen! He asked me out to dinner that night after my talk.” She laughed, remembering. “But the place he chose was a tiny basement restaurant—with no windows.”

  “Oh, dear,” Lia murmured, giving her a pained look. “What did you do?”

  “I saw how tiny it was and told him to stop. We stood outside on the sidewalk, and I told him I couldn’t go in there, but not why. I was afraid he’d make fun of me or think I was a coward.”

  “Yes, I’ve experienced that with men.” Lia admitted.

  “But Robert was very sympathetic. He asked me to choose a restaurant that made me feel comfortable, and I did.” She laughed. “Silly me! I was so enamored with this man, already falling in love with him. I didn’t know it at the time, of course. But I so wanted him to like me. Before that, I’d avoided dating because I didn’t want to get dragged into small, cloistered places and have to explain why I couldn’t tough it out. I was quite ashamed of myself.”

  She became serious. “Of course, six months later when we were out hiking and we were in the earthquake, that is when he found out why I didn’t want to go into that restaurant. And now, in my early forties, I know it was silly of me to feel that way. Age and time have given me a different perspective on my vulnerabilities.”

  “I didn’t know this about you, about avoiding dates with men because of it,” Lia confided. “I’ve been doing the same thing.”

  “Well,” Dilara said wryly, “when I was seventeen and on my first date with a boy, he took me to a small room where a classical quartet was to play Beethoven. I
couldn’t go into it because it was too small. I told him I was afraid and he turned on me, called me a coward and a ‘stupid girl.’ He embarrassed me in front of twenty other people who were standing in line to go into that room. I ran out crying.”

  “That’s horrible,” Lia whispered, her heart breaking for her friend.

  “That one encounter scarred me for years,” she said, shaking her head. “I was twenty-two when I met Robert. And I was so taken by him that I said ‘yes’ to a date. And then, I was petrified I’d make a fool of myself again when he took me to that tiny restaurant.”

  “But he reacted differently,” Lia said, relieved. “Although he didn’t understand my reasons for not going into it, he respected me. I think I began to fall in love with him at that moment.”

  Dilara gave her a gentle look. “Yes, just as Cav has done with you. I strongly believe you need to come completely clean with Cav. He reminds me so much of my Robert. He has the intelligence, the compassion, the intuitive sensitivity to hear your fears, and he’ll never judge you. And for people like you and me, it’s the most important quality a person, whether a friend or lover—can have. I don’t believe Cav has ever judged your behavior, has he?”

  “No,” Lia whispered. “He’s acted as if the scars meant nothing to him. I honestly don’t think he sees them, Dilara. He only sees the real me.”

  “Exactly,” Dilara murmured, smiling. “Robert loved me enough to understand why I was the way I was. He didn’t try to change me, but over time, because he was aware of my issue, he worked with me on it. After we married, he worked with me even more.”

  “Today,” and she shrugged, “I honestly don’t think about being claustrophobic, and Robert honors me by not taking me to tiny, enclosed places. He’s aware of what my needs are and makes sure they’re met. He’s been my biggest cheerleader and supporter, Lia. And I believe Cav is your cheerleader, among other important things.”

  Lia nodded, feeling her heart swelling with love for Cav. “You have no idea how much this talk means to me, Dilara. Thank you for sharing this. I would never guess you had any problems that were similar to mine.”

  Laughing, Dilara said, “My dear, none of us is quite right. If our parents didn’t do something to hurt us, we experience a traumatic event that wounds us. No one on this earth escapes being wounded, Lia.” She tapped Lia’s arm. “More important is to be compassionate toward them and try to understand their actions and reactions, knowing something bigger is behind it, pushing them.”

  “Cav has been horribly wounded, too,” Lia confided to her quietly.

  “I know,” she said, giving Lia a sympathetic look. “Between you and me, one of the reasons Robert uses Cav a lot is because of who he is. We sat down one time over lunch, and Cav told me a light version of his nightmare childhood.”

  “He told you?”

  Dilara smiled a little. “We don’t see our employees in the same light that other corporations do, Lia. To us, you’re all members of our extended family. I was raised in a big, noisy, loving Turkish family. I saw my uncles treat their employees like family, and observed how it bred such loyalty and respect between them. I want that same energy with the special people who run our charities. Thank goodness, we have that. So it’s not unusual that Cav opened up a little bit to me. Despite his obvious pain in recalling those events, he demonstrated the inner strength and courage to overcome his personal adversity. Cav has grown because of his wounding—he’s not imprisoned by it any longer. I believe Chief Jacoby, who was a very positive father figure to him in the SEALs, helped him out of that dark place within himself. Just as my parents, and later Robert, helped me out of that place within me. They helped to free me.”

  “And now, Cav is helping me out of my dark place,” Lia whispered.

  Dilara wrapped her arm around Lia’s shoulders. “Who better than him? He’s a wounded healer. Cav has gone through his own personal hell, so he can relate to your hell. And I know there’s something very special and beautiful blossoming between the two of you.”

  She squeezed Lia’s shoulders. “Let him help you walk into the light so you can push that invisible cell door wide open. Walk toward him with your head held high, Lia. Like my Robert, he’s a kind soul beneath that hard, military exterior”

  She looked closely at Lia. “So? Will you allow your heart to trust his heart? My Sufi uncles and mother would tell you that ‘the heart has eyes that see through the dark.’ It can lead us out of the shadows so we can honestly see where we are, and where we want to go.”

  Lia felt tears of relief behind her eyes as she absorbed Dilara’s gentle words. She gripped the woman’s other hand, holding on to her kind gaze. “Thank you for sharing this. It helps me so much, Dilara.”

  Dilara released Lia’s hand. “Ah, I see your Cav now,” and gestured towards him as he went through the screen door, heading outside with a tray of corn. “Why don’t you enjoy this afternoon? You know, it is the Fourth of July, a time when your country fought for and won its freedom. In some ways, Lia, you have been fighting for five long years to win your freedom back, too. Cav is there to support you in your bid for that well deserved freedom.” Her voice lowered. “And remember this, Lia. No one gets healed from their wounds without the help of others. I think in your case you’ve been afraid to allow someone in your life and trust them to handle your fears with love and support. But now, my intuition tells me you trust Cav, and you need to keep moving in that direction. He’s the person who will help you achieve the freedom you so richly deserve.”

  CHAPTER 20

  Cav tried to contain his excitement as he drove the Jeep along one of Virginia’s scenic country roads. The mid-July heat was in the 90s, and so was the humidity. The “dog days” of summer were upon them.

  He glanced over at Lia, who was equally excited about the surprise he had in store for her. All week, since the Fourth of July celebration at the Culver house in Alexandria, he’d teased her about it. Now, he hoped he hadn’t oversold the surprise.

  The road was a twisting, winding two-lane asphalt with woods on the left and a white wooden fence and corral on the right. Virginia was horse country, pure and simple, and he’d packed them a picnic lunch for them, put the blanket in the rear seat, and they’d taken off for parts unexplored.

  This area of Virginia was wooded, beautiful and rural. He could almost see Lia shake off the workweek stress as they drove. Her job at Artemis was demanding, and new employees were coming in weekly, needing to be trained. HR had hired three new women and that department was scrambling, too. That was what happened when a huge project like Artemis was being created and readied to take off.

  “Did you see Dilara’s memo on Friday night?” Lia wondered, tipping her head, towards Cav. “Tal Culver, their oldest daughter, is going to become CEO of Artemis.”

  “Yes, and I think it’s a good call. She’s turning in her military commission shortly, which they’ve been planning for quite a while.”

  “When Dilara came in on Friday, we had lunch together in my office,” she began.

  “Yes. I saw your door was closed so I figured you two were having some kind of summit meeting, he teased.

  Lia snorted. “Actually, she told me that Tal was getting ready to leave the Marine Corps after being injured in that sniper op that went south on her.”

  “Yes, and it was a good thing Wyatt Lockwood was there to save her life when it happened. I think getting our CEO installed will be a major step so we can move ahead. Tal’s got the right stuff to pull it all together. She’ll be good for Artemis.”

  “Yes, Dilara’s over the moon about Tal coming home. She and Robert worried a lot about her when she got injured. They flew into Bagram and as soon as Tal could, they flew her back on an Air Force jet to here. I wanted to go over to introduce myself to Tal, but Dilara asked to give her a few days to acclimate and I will. Matt and Alexa are still over in Afghanistan. They want their kids out of that hot mess, and I don’t blame them.”

  Grimly, C
av agreed. “And it’s going to the dogs now that the drawdown is complete and only a few thousand troops are left behind. I knew it would turn out like this.”

  “Me, too,” she sighed. Lia looked out at the scenery, her hair picking up the breeze as he drove down the quaint country road. “This is a beautiful area, Cav. Is the secret nearby?” she asked, changing the subject. No more work talk for now, she vowed!

  Lia’s gray eyes were clear and sparkling. She was now getting a good eight hours sleep a night, and the tense expression she had worn when they were in Costa Rica had disappeared. All thanks to Cav’s influence on her.

  Cav hinted, “We’re getting close. I’m just glad you wore jeans and boots.”

  “Well, you strongly suggested I should,” she teased. “You’re dressed the same way, only your polo shirt is dark blue.” Lia loved looking at his lean, hard body. The dark blue baseball cap on his head gave him that black ops look. He was dangerous to her in every way, but in a good sense. And the yearning in his eyes was stronger than ever.

  She felt herself moving closer and closer to having that talk with him. Dilara’s decision to confide her own story had made an enormous impact on Lia, and she had thought about it often, mulling everything over and feeling her way toward the next step she knew awaited her.

  Cav’s excitement grew as they approached his surprise for her. He slowed the Jeep down as they approached several large pastures. Inside the fencing was every imaginable kind and color of horse. Lia instantly sat forward, straining to see these beloved animals come into view. There was no mistaking it—he saw the longing in her eyes, and knew he’d made the right call.

  “Is this where we’re going, Cav? Is it?” she asked eagerly.

  He heard the excitement in her voice. “Yeah.” He slowed the Jeep. “I found this place on the Internet,” he told her, making a turn and heading toward a two-story white farmhouse with a big red barn behind it.

  “Do you notice anything about these horses?” he asked as they slowly passed the first large corral.