‘The only thing I need is some powder to kill this worm in my stomach – pain makes you act crazy, Linzi.’
They remained silent for a while. George twisted sideways in his seat, then stretched his spine upwards to ease the pain and cautiously held his side. ‘Have you been stealing from Davey again?’
‘I don’t steal it, he lends it to me.’
‘It may as well be stealing. I bet you never give it back again do you? What a joke.’ He leant back on the chair and laughed. ‘This is good medicine for me.’ George gave a wry smile and then bent forward on the desk close up to his daughter and looked hard into her face. ‘Take his money now, Linzi, because he’ll soon have none.’
‘I’ll pay him back as soon as I can, you know I will.’
‘Don’t bother!’ he threw his head back in defiance. ‘It’s my money anyway. And when your mother divorces me, you can have it all.’
‘Stop it… . She won’t divorce you… . She’s never said a thing about divorce.’
George interrupted her. ‘Aye, and do you know why? Because she’ll be out on her ear… . I’d fight for every penny and see that she gets blamed for her adultery!’
Linzi tried again to alter the tone of the conversation. She was usually clever at this, but today she was losing heart. ‘I’ve got a job as a waitress; it’ll pay my bus fares, so I can see you more.’
‘Now what do you want to see a miserable old git like me for?’
‘You know I love you … I’ll never stop coming to see you.’
‘Aye well, mind you don’t. But don’t tell them, this is our secret remember. Just me and you together. No one to interfere … no one to push me around.’
‘They don’t know I come… . They haven’t got a clue… . They never talk about you. It’s as if you don’t exist… . Sometimes I think Davey wants to talk, but Mum just sweeps over things like it never happened. Besides, Davey’s not been well. He looks thinner. I think he’s doing a good job of the farm, though.’
‘No wonder the lad’s sick… . It’s his own fault… . He’s probably got a guilty conscience eating away at him. Maybe he’s got a worm in his stomach too? He has that stupid look on his face all the time. You never know what he’s thinking. He’s laughing at me, isn’t he? It’s as well he doesn’t come or I’ll finish the job off proper.’
Linzi had had enough. She couldn’t bear to hear him speak like this. She still loved her father and no matter what he did or said, she would never abandon him. She would always love him. She believed him to be the victim, not Uncle Fred; he just got in the way. It surely was a dreadful accident. She knew David to be infuriating at times with the arrogance he had, and an air of self-righteousness about him. She could have smacked him herself many times. Sometimes she felt she hated David then, other times, when she saw him playing with Sarah and Tom, she loved him for his patience. He would be devastated if he knew she was visiting their father. It had only once been discussed who should go to visit, but her mother had said it best to leave him be, and so they did, except for Linzi.
‘I’ll come again next week. Please try and see a doctor about your pains,’ and with that, she kissed him goodbye.
George Keldas had seen a doctor; in fact, he had seen several. But he didn’t remember; doctors were all the same to him. They gave him pills for his stomach, which he confused with pills for his head. He had a dim memory that someone had told him he had kidney stones, or was it gallstones, or even gravestones. George just didn’t know. One day they would have to take him to hospital for an X-ray and then maybe some surgery, but to get him to co-operate was another matter. No one could ever get any sense out of him.
He was much aggrieved that he hadn’t finished the job he intended to do; David was still alive and free to take his land and squander his money. George didn’t expect old Fred to jump in the way. Stupid old Freddie! Always poking his nose in where it didn’t belong. And George had reasoned, with a heart full of vengeance, that he’d done Fred a favour. The man was as good as dead anyway.
‘Any way, if I see that lad again I’ll wipe that smirk off his face for good!’ These were the last words he spoke to Linzi.
*
It was raining heavily when Linzi left the prison. She ran across the wet pavement to the waiting bus; she was tired and hungry and had a long and complicated journey back to her lodgings. She wanted to cry; she always felt like this when she left him.
She thought her father seemed worse today, but at least he had talked to her. Some days he never spoke at all and only cursed her for coming. And then on other days he would ramble on and on, totally incoherent. Today he was bitter and there was still no repentance - never any repentance. She could tell he loved her and that meant a great deal, as Linzi knew she was his only ally.
Linzi would never tell anyone what he said to her, admitting his guilt or not. She dreaded the trial but, even if it meant going against her mother and her brother, she would never speak against her own father.
If Linzi could have talked to her mother, she would have found that she wouldn’t have stopped her visiting; in fact, Kathy pitied George, as did David. None of them hated him; the only reproach they could give him was to ignore him. David had done this purely out of his mother’s wishes, not to antagonise him. He knew his father was sick and it did grate on his conscience that he didn’t visit; David hadn’t seen him since the day of the shooting. As for Kathy, well she’d tried out of duty to visit but George’s speech and behaviour was cruel and cutting and it pushed her away and the peace she felt without him was so wonderful.
Kathy knew that the trial would be the final reckoning, that the lawyers pleading his case would have to wheedle out of her any information that could either release him or incriminate him. It remained to be decided whether he was innocent or guilty; and hopefully to understand what his intentions really were. He surely hadn’t meant to kill Fred Keldas, but had he meant to kill David? And David was the only witness left to tell, and what he would say no one knew.
As darkness fell, Linzi slipped into her apartment. Her fellow students were all home from lectures. Loud music was blaring from upstairs and the thud of its beat penetrated the bricks of the house. There was a television playing loudly in another bedroom, where someone was trying to compete with the noise.
Linzi’s friends had wondered where she was, and why she hadn’t been in lectures. She was well dressed but this gave no clue of her whereabouts. One girl presumed that Linzi had a secret lover somewhere and took frequent days off to meet him. She certainly kept them guessing, and in no way would she ever reveal to them her true destination.
Some of the girls did know of her family history and they’d comforted her and pitied her. One of her friends had been back to Keld Head with her, purely because she wanted to meet Linzi’s brother. She had figured that a girl so beautiful must have a good-looking brother also. But she’d been disappointed in David’s personality and shocked by George Keldas’s attitude, so she’d, consequently, kept away.
Linzi made some tea and went straight to her room. Despite the noise and the company around her, she felt alone. But today she didn’t mind; she wanted to think and plan how she could best help her father. She wondered how long she could keep this burden to herself, but her flatmates were not the people to confide in, nor were her family; she couldn’t possibly betray the trust her father had in her. She guessed David wouldn’t blame her for visiting: she lived nearer the prison than all the others. David couldn’t possibly go, and he was already under stress as it was with the work load, the trauma of the shooting, and the trouble he’d been in over Joanne Milton. Linzi then had an idea.
She changed into some comfortable clothes, turned her stereo on to mask the other noise, curled up on her bed and started to write a letter. The only person she felt she could confide in without any prejudice was Hannah Robson.
Linzi had assumed like all the others that Hannah knew about her father, and as she’d never met him, would give her n
o cause to take sides. Hannah appeared to have no particular connections with her mother or David and she’d shown compassion over the Joanne Milton incident. So, taking hours in the writing and using pages and pages of notepaper, Linzi scrawled away and poured out her very heart and begged Hannah to keep silent.
While Linzi was secretly visiting her father, David was visiting Tony, as he’d promised. After finishing work each night, he rushed his tea, washed and changed ready to go to the hospital. He didn’t care if he were tired or not.
Tony’s health improved steadily at first then, as the doctors suspected, he deteriorated, as his cough turned into double pneumonia and he became weak and poorly. But his life was not in danger, and he slowly responded to treatment.
Tony wasn’t in any hurry to leave the hospital. Initially he’d been too ill to resist and being severely weakened, slept long and hard, but in his waking moments, he enjoyed the attention he was given. He learned all the nurses names, and he knew who was on duty and when; especially those he particularly liked. He memorised all their rankings by the shade and colour of their uniform: the lilacs, the stripes, the greens and the dreaded navy blues. He knew those who were soon to take their exams, and those who’d just passed; those who were in charge and those who only thought they were. But it was Kelly who kept most of his attention and she gave hers to him; the young blonde-haired nurse who he’d first set eyes on, when waking in the hospital. Kelly was an attractive girl, but it was pure emotion on his part that turned her into an angel.
Although David had visited regularly, some of the nurses were still suspicious of him. To them he was a sullen young man with stunning eyes and, unbeknown to David, some had nick-named him Heathcliff. There was also gossip amongst them about David’s role in the battered condition of Tony’s sister.
Tony had never spoken to any of the staff about why they were out on the hills that night, in that he was loyal to his sister and David. And at times, when he became weak and tired, when his lungs ached with every breath he made, and his cough felt like it ripped his gullet, he did wonder himself what it had all been about.
Tony’s father was satisfied with his son’s improvement and returned to Scotland; partly for business reasons, but also in an attempt to keep a watchful eye on Joanne, whose poor mental condition worried him more than his son’s physical one. Joanne was settled in at his sister’s house in Aberdeen where she would stay until she was well.
The relationship between David and Tony had also suffered. At first, Tony was pleased to see his friend, although too weak and tired to communicate much. But, as time passed and he became stronger and more alert, he showed no desire to encourage David’s visits. At first David put this down to Tony’s illness but after one particular evening when David interrupted Tony and Kelly enjoying a bit of horseplay, he could see he was no longer required. Tony had obviously been flirting with Kelly as he was just taking his hand from her waist when David came into the room. Kelly was embarrassed when she saw David standing at the door and left, but Tony was annoyed.
David apologised, then tried to talk to Tony and admit his mistake about Joanne but, as usual, his words were not particularly well-chosen and he made a bungled confession, which Tony found unacceptable.
Tony knew Joanne had overreacted but she was still his sister. David should have listened to him weeks earlier and apologised to Joanne face to face, and told her the truth about his feelings.
Quietly closing the door, David looked around. ‘I’m going to ask Joanne to marry me, if she’s still in the same mind.’
‘What?’
‘You heard, Tony. Don’t make this any harder than it is.’ David wandered across to the window and looked out into the night sky.
‘I could understand if you …’ Tony stopped and waited as there were footsteps passing the door. ‘If - if you loved her, but I doubt you do,’ he put the television on and fell onto his bed, then looked smugly at David waiting for more.
‘I can love her.’ David spun around.
It was hard to talk this way about love to his friend and the television served as the distraction it was meant to, as neither man looked the other in the eye.
‘I once promised myself I’d never marry and leave Keld Head but I reckon with Jo, I can still at least keep part of that promise.’
The cat food advert now showing wasn’t conducive to the emotion of the conversation, but the television was left on to be the mediator.
‘You’re a fool, Dave. You’re playing into her hand.’
‘I know, I know … but what else can I do?’
David had reasoned that he and Joanne could survive on the kind of affection he had for her, and if in some way he could make amends, then so be it. He couldn’t live the rest of his life with the troubled conscience he had. And David did love Joanne, but not in a romantic sense, his love was born out of duty, the type that a man may have for a friend or relative, not the kind of love that should be between a man and woman. David knew that a type of love could exist between them, but as soon as it was fulfilled it would go, until next time. The love that was lacking was the type David couldn’t understand, and the kind he’d never known.
The reaction David received wasn’t unexpected, but he hoped Tony would see this as a compensatory gesture and that he was trying to put things right and do his best for Joanne. And Tony’s reaction was similar to his mother’s: not quite as strongly opposed, but blunt and to the point.
‘You must do what you think’s right. But remember, Jo’s infatuated with you, that’s all, and it will pass. She’s still young and inexperienced and maybe she’ll cool off if you marry her. It’s only because you’re not giving it back, that she wants it. You love more when love is forbidden.’
And so the relationship between the two men continued to be estranged and David’s future intentions were still not certain.
*
One evening while David was mechanically working and feeding up the cattle, he had the idea to invite Hannah to the hospital with him. Tony had spoken of her several times and said how much he liked her for her spunky attitude. He was nervous of making the phone call to ask her, but felt she would be a pleasant diversion for him. She’d shown compassion and had acted with genuine kindness, in giving up her time to help him home from the hospital.
David’s decision was made harder because his feelings for Hannah had also changed, although he hadn’t seen her since the day she drove him home from hospital. The thought of her friendship and the possibility of some reckless flirting with her would lighten his mood; he thought he could have some harmless fun and hope she may respond in some way. David certainly hadn’t learnt by his mistakes, and his need for constant adoration, as Linzi had rightly implied, now showed at its ugliest. He was being a fool, forgetting the harm he’d caused by his meaningless kiss with Joanne and was now bent on a selfish course to win back some approval.
Driven on by anticipation, David pressed forward with his plan and rang Hannah’s number. He chatted politely to Eleanor for several minutes, tapping his fingers nervously on the telephone table. She asked him to wait as she shouted upstairs to the flat for Hannah. Eleanor smiled and raised one eyebrow at Barry, when she told him who it was on the phone.
The gentle conversation with Eleanor relaxed David, but Hannah was a long time coming to the phone and the waiting made him nervous. Consequently, when the invitation was made, it was done in such an abrupt and disjointed manner, and was exactly the opposite of how he wanted it.
‘I’m sorry, David, but I’m … er… going to a lecture tonight.’
David was disappointed and thought the excuse she gave was a lame one. He felt slighted and wished he’d never called. So, on a cold wet night, he made the long journey to the hospital alone.
Driving carelessly through the darkness and with the windscreen wipers’ regular beat the only noise to comfort him, David approached Kendal, pulled in to a lay-by and stopped to think. He wondered if he should turn back, thinking Tony wou
ldn’t want to see him either. He would have to spend the whole of the visiting hour struggling for words, hoping someone else would come to help with the conversation. But Hannah’s refusal had irritated him the most. Her rejection of him cut him deeply and, as much as he tried, he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he began to feel just as Tony had said: You love more when love is forbidden.
David slid down in his seat in the darkness, rested his head back and shut his eyes. He was aware of the volume of traffic passing by, as car headlights penetrated and flickered through his closed eyelids. Gusts of wind blew at the car, rocking it gently from side to side. With the engine switched off, the car soon felt cold, so David folded his arms together and huddled them close to himself.
He didn’t believe he’d ever felt so unhappy. Yet he was safe, all the danger he’d been through had passed and he’d survived. The anxiety of living with his father and his constant taunts had been dreadful, and now as he silently contemplated his present situation, he felt this was probably the lowest point of his life.
He had lost everyone: his father hated him; his mother had said he was a fool; Tony had rightly turned his back on him; and now even Hannah had rejected him. The only person he could think of who would love him right now was hundreds of miles away in Aberdeen, and that was Joanne. He even considered that for one ounce of love he would turn the car northwards and drive on through the night to Scotland. It would be so easy, he was near the motorway, a few more hours and he would be there. Then she would throw her arms around him and squeal with delight at seeing him. She would hug him and kiss him; love him and welcome him and feed his starving ego.
David knew his mother had been watching him for days; so concerned at what he might do. He guessed she would be relieved that Joanne had been taken to Aberdeen, out of his way and, initially, he had felt the same. It had given him time to reflect, but his reflections were not balanced and his wayward idea to meet Hannah had further confused an already unstable mind. He didn’t care how devastated his mother would feel, if only she knew how close he was to leaving.
Northern Spirit Page 20