SNAP (The SNAP Trilogy Book 1)

by Dawn, Tara

  I chuckle thinking about how pissed off Pops was and how much that threat scared me. Hazel's head bobs with my laughter and falls forward, but she jerks it back to rest on my shoulder. I lean forward and realize she's asleep.

  I nudge her with my arm and her eyes flutter open.

  "Let's get you to bed."

  She nods sleepily and stands up almost falling over. I grab her arm to steady her and shut off the TV leaving the lamp on. As she staggers like a drunk person toward her room, I double check the locks on the front door and peek out the window. If Phil is watching, he's more than likely losing his fucking mind right now knowing I'm here.

  I walk back to Hazel's room and find her under the blanket curled up in a ball fast asleep. The blanket is pulled up under her chin and her hair is falling in her face. Her lips, slightly parted, push out slow, deep breaths. She looks peaceful, but it's a lie. Somewhere deep inside she's housing her secrets. Tucking them away so no one can see them. I know because I do the same. We all do. No one shares the same secrets. Our emotions mold us into different casts, shaping us into who we become. I've filled mine with concrete so I don't have to feel, but recently it feels more like quicksand.

  I sit on the edge of the bed and watch her sleep debating whether I should leave or not. Every moment I spend with her opens up that part of me I never wanted to face again. Her smile shines on my darkness and it isn't as desolate when she's around, showing me that I still have a shred of hope I'm clinging to. That unwanted boy that I thought hardened long ago is still there waiting for someone to come get him. Not just anyone, though. He's been waiting for the right person.

  I do something I've never let myself do before.

  I allow the quicksand to swallow me whole.

  I stay with her.

  Hazel

  I jerk awake to a noise by my ear and find myself entangled in arms and legs. Disoriented, I turn my head to discover Cash's face buried in my hair, his chin resting on my shoulder. The sounds I'm hearing are his light snores. I attempt to untangle my legs, but he pulls me tighter against him. His hand slides up to my breast and squeezes it gently before relaxing his hold and leaving it there. Nuzzling into my neck, he kisses me lightly and sighs before snoring again. My pounding heart nearly skips a beat at his gentleness.

  I melt into his arm as I listen to him breathe and feel his heart beating against my back. My arm covers his and I cup the hand that is cupping my breast. It feels so natural to be here with him like this. I've never been comfortable sleeping with someone. It's always seemed awkward, and our bodies never fit together right. But laying here with Cash, our bodies fit together perfectly. Two pieces cut for the same puzzle.

  When his grip eases on me again, I roll over to face him. Dark lashes lay against his skin and his shadowed jaw and upper lip highlight his bone structure to perfection. His strong jaw is slack and the lips that turn me to mush are barely closed in a sleepy pout. The long line of his neck leads to a strong shoulder and his shirtless chest rises and falls with his breaths mesmerizing me. A light dusting of dark hair decorates his chest and trails down below the blanket gathered at his waist. My heart pounds in my chest as I resist touching him. I want time to admire him without him waking, but it's hard to do that without running my hands down his body. He snorts loudly in his sleep and I have to keep myself from laughing. That must have been what woke me.

  He rolls to his back and I lay my head on his chest watching as he inhales and exhales. The lines of his muscles and the hair on his chest taunts me as I gaze at him. I lay my hand over his heart attempting to ease some of the need to touch him. But soon the smooth and steady thump beneath it has my thumb rubbing back and forth to its rhythm. My hand begins to take on a life of its own, running through the hair on his chest and tracing the lines of his muscles as I get lost in thoughts of him.

  Cash mentally pushed me further than I thought I was ready to go tonight. I know he said I didn't have to say anything I didn't want to, but I didn't have to. The photo he showed me said it all. There was no reason to utter a word. His response to my reaction said he already knew. Cash has been keeping his own secrets. I wanted to ask who the woman was, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not ready to learn what he knows just yet or how he knows. It might be more than I can handle at the moment on top of dealing with my own shit.

  Although it worries me how he is involved with this, it warms my heart to know that he stayed. Cash could have left after we got back to my apartment, but chose not to. He stayed silent and let me work through the mess in my head. It was comforting that he was here if I wanted to talk about it. He never once looked at me with sympathy, only compassion. He tried his best to distract me without being blatantly obvious about it and help pull me from the nightmare playing over and over again in my mind. I couldn't be more thankful for that. The other times he saved me from physical harm. This time he saved me from myself. There is nothing worse than getting lost in your head reliving painful memories and not knowing how to escape. Because there isn't a way to escape yourself. My conscious reminds me constantly, and not in a nice way.

  That's changed since Cash has entered the picture. I don't dwell on it as much and am easily distracted by his presence. He's replaced the reoccurring nightmare with thoughts of him. It's not a bad thing, I'd much rather think of Cash than Phil and what he did that horrible night. But I know he won't be here for long. The knowledge that he could be gone tomorrow hurts more than it should for someone I just met. That makes it even more confusing.

  I shouldn't care this much about someone I haven't known for long. Maybe it is due to the fact that he saved me repeatedly. Maybe it's due to our chemistry. Maybe it's because I see him struggling with his own bullshit alone in his head as I do. I don't know the fucking why of it.

  He's held me, wiped my tears, refused to leave me to suffer all of this alone.

  He stayed.

  My heart, heavy, overflows with emotions I can't comprehend or work through. Everything of late has happened so fast making my head spin. My eyes pinch shut fighting back the tears of being overwhelmed. My breaths become shorter making it hard to control my breathing. A tingling sensation tickles the crown of my head and spreads through my body quickly feeling like cold water running through my nerve endings. The galloping beats of my heart get faster until it's pounding to the point of shattering my rib cage.

  I bury my face against Cash's side that is slick with tears. When I think I can't contain it any longer and think about running into the bathroom to cry it out in solitude, Cash runs his fingers through my hair. At first it startles me and I freeze, holding my breath in the process. Then I become angry at myself for waking him and allowing him to see me like this. My hand balls into a fist on his chest and I have the urge to lift it and slam it down like sledgehammer. To hurt him like I hurt. It's not right to feel this way, and it only causes me to feel worse because I shouldn't want to take it out on him.

  He stayed.

  Cash rolls to his side and tucks my face into his neck. He grabs my fisted hand and holds it to his heart. It's not as steady as it was before, beating a bit more erratically the longer he witnesses my melt down. Watching me have a panic attack is upsetting him too. That I'm the reason for his discomfort causes a whole other set of thoughts and emotions to hype it up. My breathing becomes tighter, sharper until I'm clawing to either get away or pull him closer in the madness. I'm unsure. The darkness creeps in around the corners of my vision attempting to envelope me.

  This is it. I'm dying. I have to be.

  Cash squeezes my wrist as my stiff body turns limp in his arms. He presses my palm to his chest and pulls my body in tight to hold it in place.

  "Breathe, Hazel." His soothing plea is a rumbling thunder. "Breathe with me."

  One of his hands runs through my hair as the other rubs little circles on the small of my back. The beating of his heart slows with each deep breath he sucks into his body, but it takes me several attempts before I can match his rhyth
m. Closing my eyes, I gulp down each breath and absorb as much of his strength as I can focusing on the steady thrum of his beating heart.

  These attacks creep up on me at night and wake me from sleep on a regular basis. They're all because of that fucking bastard Phil. I thought waking alone was easier. No one had to witness the fear, the panic, and the anger that consumes me after. My room as taken the brunt of that hurricane of hatred toward Phil. Waking in a panic I can't get control of and thinking I'm going insane has had me destroying anything within reach. I've had to throw out so much stuff. I awoke in my closet one morning after ripping everything from the hangers and collapsing inside. The remnants of a picture my dad drew for me was shredded around me and wadded up in my hand. It was heartbreaking that I destroyed one of the few things I have left from him. It was even more heartbreaking that I couldn't remember exactly why I had done it. But after feeling anger toward Cash, I assume it's because I was angry at him for not being here for me. All I ended up doing was hurting myself more.

  Cash's arms keep the anger at bay. It's still there, but it's not all consuming. His calmness suffocates the impending storm that usually awaits me. Tonight it's a blessing. I don't know what I would've done with the images of that woman circling my mind along with the other memories. It's an unhealthy way to deal with the demons Phil has left behind. I know this. I don't want to be like this anymore. Every day that I wake, I put a mask on hiding it away so people don't have to worry. That mask is cracking under the pressure of recent events. I want it gone. Wiped from my memory.

  "Take it away." My shaky whisper sounds foreign.

  Cash's fingers keep their reassuring strokes as they glide through my hair. His other hand slides up my body around the side of my neck and his thumb strokes my jaw. The caress erases that memory on my flesh of Phil and replaces it with one that's loving. I need all of them gone.

  Cash rolls me to my back and leans over me. His thumb stills as his eyes search mine.

  "Nothing I do will erase what you've been through. I can take away your pain tonight, but it'll be there tomorrow." He hesitates for a moment, his voice thick with emotion. "It'll be there forever, Hazel."

  His sorrow engulfs me, mixing with my own. I knew he was hiding things, we all do, but emotions of this magnitude…. Cash is much better at shutting down than I am. I've never had to do it before and don't understand how to turn them off. I don't know what he has been through, but I want to erase his pain too. If anything, we can begin weaving each other back together in the short time we have.

  I pull his face to mine and rub my cheek against the stubble now growing. I want him to know how much I need that and that it's okay to want it too. There's no reason for him to suffer alone. He's helped me more than he realizes by just being here.

  "If you let me, I'll erase yours too."

  I brush my lips across his and he exhales sharply. He searches my face one last time. For signs of what, I'm unsure, but he must have found what he's looking for because his grip in my hair tightens and his lips meet mine. The tip of his tongue sweeps over my lips begging for entrance and when I open for him, he sneaks inside like a sinner seeking refuge in a church. It starts off soft and grows more urgent and passionate as I meet him stroke for stroke. This kiss is far different than the first kiss we shared. That kiss was full of lies. Lies we told ourselves to keep from getting close to one another. This kiss…is a baptism. Accepting each other for who we are, two broken people who don't want to bring our shadows to light, and washing away the sins committed against us.

  He breaks the kiss and moves along my jaw, both of us gasping for air. He licks my earlobe then bites it making me whimper deep in my chest and grip the back of his neck. I wrap my arms around him and pull him on top of me as he assaults my neck with his lips and tongue sending tremors through my body. Something so simple has never felt so damn good. But it's not simple. It's us untangling ourselves from the emotions that imprison us, searching for some sense of harmony within ourselves by relying on each other.

  "Cash," I pant. "Take my clothes off. I need to feel you against me."

  He growls quietly against my neck then pulls from my embrace. Kneeling between my legs, he pulls me up and lifts my shirt over my head and tosses it to the floor before grabbing the waistband of my pants and pulling them down my legs. His hands run up my calves and stop behind my knees.

  "I want to see you."

  It sounds like a command. Like he can't go through with this unless his demands are met. I'm normally self-conscious about my body, but the way Cash looks at me makes me feel beautiful. If this is what he needs, then I will comply. I've revealed things about myself I'd never show anyone else. My body is nothing next to those. I reach out and flip the dim lamp on next to my bed.

  His eyes meet mine and I want to cry. He's accepted all of me already without seeing my naked form. That's not what has me fighting back tears. It's the fear I see in their depths at what I'm asking him to do. This big, strong man is afraid to let anyone in.

  "Touch me."

  Cash watches my lips move as the words leave my mouth. His gaze travels down to my breasts. His fingers stroking the skin behind my knees as he worships my chest with his eyes. They stop their movement though and dig a bit into my skin when he sees the claw marks down my rib cage. A haunted look crosses his face as he stares at them. I know he's seeing the woman in the picture who had a similar, fresher version. He rubs his hands down my legs soothingly and forces himself to look away, but it is more for his comfort than my own. I know when his eyes drift between my legs. It's not because of the way he grips my calves or the tightening of his jaw. His erection jerks beneath the confines of his boxes and grows longer giving him away.

  He kisses the inside of my thigh then scoots back, standing at the foot of the bed. Not looking away from my wet center, he discards his boxers and pulls a condom from his jeans. He's gorgeous. His cock juts proudly from his body as he gazes intently at my body. I get wetter in anticipation. I know he can see it because I can feel it trickling down my sex. My thighs rub together trying to ease the ache between my legs. This is the most intense foreplay I've ever had and he hasn't touched me yet. The wait is making it hard to breathe.

  He's getting lost in his head as he stares down at me. I don't want him lost inside himself. I want him to get lost inside of me. Flutters take flight in my stomach as I do something I've never done in front of anyone else. I run the tips of my fingers over my skin until his eyes follow my every move. They graze my nipples making them harden and I cup my breasts squeezing them gently. He doesn't blink once, mesmerized by my movements. As one hand trails down my stomach, he instinctively wraps his hand around himself in preparation and waits.

  My fingers trail over my mound and he strokes himself. I pause and he waits for more. I slide my finger between my lips and roll my clit beneath it. His hand pumps his cock again and my legs fall further apart in invitation wishing he would climb between them and touch me himself.

  I raise my hand gesturing for him to take it and join me. Without breaking eye contact, he leans over the side of the bed and reaches for his jeans. A condom slides out his pocket and he tosses it onto the bed next to us. He climbs up the bed and takes my hand. Kissing it softly, he lingers for a moment and closes his eyes taking in the scent of myself on my fingers. I lace the fingers of his other hand with my own reassuring him and feeding him what little strength I have left. But he doesn't need it. His eyes open and pierce mine with need and a longing I can't fathom.

  "Ca–"

  Before I can finish speaking his name, his lips collide with mine in determination. Our hands take on a life of their own, exploring each other as our bodies grind against one another. The sounds of heavy breathing and slight moans fill the room replacing the sounds I heard that night. His mouth delivers teasing, light kisses and licks before delving between my lips again taking my breath away and making my toes curl. Everywhere he touches leaves behind mini fires melting the memories and pain
that were previously branded on my skin. Cash is burning me alive.

  Taking my breasts in his hands, he buries his face between them and groans, "You have the most beautiful body I have ever seen."

  I gasp as he grips them and kisses them all over. I've never felt anything like this before. This is new territory. The chemistry between us is something I've never experienced and honestly wonder if I'll survive. I wonder if I'll ever find this with anyone else. Because this thing with Cash, is just that. A thing. No matter what happens between us tonight it will remain that way.

  I commit it all to memory; his body poised above mine rubbing against me, his hands groping me, his fingers trailing down my skin, and his mouth doing things that no mortal man should be able to do. He's doing everything I asked.

  As his mouth makes its way down my abdomen he pauses at the pink scars healing there. He lines his fingers up with the marks and feathers them down my flesh as if attempting to heal them. The tenderness in that action has my heart breaking. If he could fix me he would. He doesn't understand that he is.

  Looking down my body, the image of him kneeling between my legs and staring at my pussy like he found the Holy Grail is seared into my mind. Goosebumps rise on my skin as his fingers trail lightly up my thighs easing them further apart. My chest rises and falls in anticipation as he stills next to my sex. Right when I think I can't take it any longer, his finger glides up my center making me twitch and my breath hitch. His hooded eyes meet mine then he twitches his finger, flicking my clit. My hips jerk up off the mattress as a moan tears from my lips.

  Before my hips land back on the bed, Cash grips my bottom and buries his face between my legs. My lips form a silent oh as his mouth meets me. His tongue slides between my lips causing me to gasp and clamp my thighs together.

  Cash nibbles the inside of my thigh and clutches my bottom tighter. His eyes meet mine and he utters, "Open for me, Hazel."

  One of his hands runs up and down the outside of my leg gently, relaxing me until it falls to the side opening me to him. The touch of his fingers is gentle and the slow, slick movements of his tongue bathes me in a tenderness I've never known until I unravel.