“But nothing Lucy, I’m serious. This has been fun and I have great feelings for you, but I’m sorry I have to stick by the agreement we made. I’m sorry.” Tears began to stain his cheeks and I couldn’t tell if he was sincere or trying to protect me in some twisted way that he felt was right. It didn’t feel real. Not real at all, more like a bad teenage love story that I didn’t understand but would find myself sobbing over regardless and I wanted to turn it off so very badly.
“Please, if you think you’re helping me somehow by pushing me back toward my future in New York… please just stop. I don’t want that if it means giving you up. I can’t go on living my life right if I know that you are here – apart from me.” I tried convincing him that I didn’t need New York anymore. “All I want is you, please” My sniveling had become more uncontrollable with every second that passed. Stupid Vodka.
“Please Lucy,” He was abrasive now. “I don’t want you here. I have a life outside of you, don’t you understand that. So I need you to return to New York and start your own life.” His tortured face couldn’t even look at me anymore as he spoke the words that broke my heart. But it was my fault right? I mean, I wasn’t supposed to let myself fall in love with him; I was supposed to use him for a fun summer and then continue on with my life. Stupid Lucy.
“I think you should leave,” was all I could say. What was the point of him sticking around for the next two days watching as I pulled daggers out of my wounded heart? I was embarrassed and hurt and I just wanted to be alone to kick myself in the head for letting it happen. He rose up off the bed and gave me a kiss on the forehead; it was too eager and lasted too long… which made it all hurt even worse. I pulled away and he slipped out the door silently, and that was that. He was gone.
****
That was the last time I saw Simon Basford until now, at my birthday celebration when I turn around and search for the voice calling my name so anxiously. Simon is standing in the middle of the room wearing a black suit, white collared shirt, and a black skinny tie. His hair is a bit longer than the last time I saw him, but he still wears the same black plastic framed glasses, and he still has that alluring smile surrounded by two-day old stubble.
My head spins with a mix of champagne and emotions that I tried to bury this last year after he so crudely pushed me away from him. I really want to leap into his arms and kiss him for as long as I could, but I think to myself all the rebuilding I had to do when I got back to Manhattan, and how my grades suffered my first few weeks at NYU because I was up long nights crying over this man. He makes his way toward me and I stand my ground firmly, wishing I looked better than I did at this moment.
Chapter 12
“Lucy!” He shouts as he lifts me up for a warm embrace. I so much want to wrap my arms around him and breathe in his delicious scent of peppermint and fresh air, but I leave my arms to my side; forcing myself to be as insolent as he was the night I thought I had died.
“What? Are you not happy to see me? I came to wish you a happy birthday love.” He pretends to be confused by my cold reaction to him. Like he didn’t rip my heart out and leave it on the side of the road in the middle of London, but I know he knows why I’m not thrilled.
“Do you think I should be happy? I mean really Simon, do you really think I would be happy to see you, here… at my birthday party? It hasn’t even been a full year yet since you broke me.” I can’t help but raise my voice. I can feel all the torment from last fall come rushing back to me and I want to fall to the floor and cry, but I know that is not an option, so I hide my pain by getting angry at him and lashing out. Something I usually never let myself do, I always blamed myself for his reasons for not wanting me, but him showing up like this is just so infuriating.
“Yeah… I know. That’s why I’m here though. I know you have no reason to say yes, but please meet me tonight for dinner I have something important I need to talk to you about. I can’t even begin to apologize for the things I said last summer, but please Lucy, please just give me one chance and hear me out.” He begs.
I loosen my clenched jaw and take a deep breath forcing any possible tears away. I learned quickly how to stop myself from crying after needing to be excused from classes when one stupid word would make me think of him and I would explode in sorrow.
“I actually have a date tonight, Simon, so I can’t indulge you this evening,” I want to tell him just to get back on a plane and return to Southwark, but I do need to hear what he has to say; I need some closure still. But, I do enjoy the fact that I can rub my date with Malcolm in his face. “If you want, we can have lunch tomorrow.” I’ll give him that.
“A date?!” He roars. His new tint of green jealousy turns me into that bitchy high school brat that dangled all the things she had that you lacked right in front of your nose; taunting you with her shiny new toys. But for once it was me who had the new toys, or boy I guess I should say, and I can’t help rubbing it in Simon’s face to make him squirm. He deserves it.
“Yes, Simon. What, am I just supposed to sit around all the time and mope over you? I’ve dated plenty since we last saw each other.” I lie, of course, but he doesn’t need to know that my first year in college was spent eating ice cream all night while attempting to study for English lit and intro to journalism. He can think that I’ve been seeing other people, forgetting about him.
“Yes, well… who is this tosser?”
“Simon! Be nice, and that’s none of your business.” I snap.
“Well, what time is this date?” He says the word like it tastes bad rolling off his tongue.
“Not that that is any of your business either, but nine.” Most of me needs him to leave me alone, to just go back to where he came from, but there is a part of me that wants to tell Malcolm to forget it and go rekindle the flame between this British God and I.
“And he’s picking you up here?” He wonders.
“Yes… why?”
“I’ll wait for him. I could use a good party and from the looks of it…” he scans the room and finds something worth mentioning, but in reality this party is not the party of a normal nineteen year old girl… it’s the party of a debutant. Classical music is oozing out of the speakers strategically placed all over the house, wait staff walks around with trays of hors d'oeuvres and champagne, and the rooms are filled with friends and family of Grandma Whitten's. “Well… there’s booze, so that’s something.” Is all that he can manage to say.
“Why are you going to stay? It’s not like you even know anyone here…” I can’t tell yet how I feel about him being here when Malcolm gets back. On the one hand I don’t want to have to explain Simon to Malcolm, but on the other hand I want Simon to be as jealous as possible, and seeing Malcolm in all his perfect glory he will definitely feel envy.
“Well, I know you, don’t I?” He gives me the big puppy dog eyes and I can feel myself beginning to melt. I need to get away from him before he has me completely under his spell again.
“Do as you please.” I scold, being as distant and uncaring as possible. “I need to go mingle with my guests.” I leave him standing there like a lost child as he scans the room. He’s most likely searching for Adam or Suzette, but he won’t find them. They had important wedding stuff to conduct, as the maid of honor I should really be with them, but they couldn’t get out of their appointment with the dress designer who is booked solid for the next six months, and I obviously wasn’t getting out of my own birthday party. We agreed that it was okay to spend this one apart, and I would be with Suzette when the dress was ready for her to try on; so that’s something at least. The wedding is in two months already so everything is a little rushed. They just said they can’t wait to get married and want to do it this summer. No one argued.
****
Most of the guests have begun to leave. It’s roughly quarter to nine now and the only stragglers left are a couple close friends of mother's, the few cousins that are staying in the house, and Simon; who is now chatting up my youngest c
ousin Cassandra Hopsfield. We aren’t too close since her father, Dennis, doesn’t really like our family too much. I’m not too thrilled about the two of them talking. She’s always been a boy-stealer. But I shake it off because that really shouldn’t bother me at all, he’s not mine.
Simon spots me from across the room as I stare at the ornate grandfather clock against the wall behind him. He puts his hand up to Cassie signaling for her to stop and his lips move mumbling something I cannot hear as he starts to move toward me. She doesn’t look pleased as she crosses her thin arms and scowls in my direction.
“He’s late isn’t he… well, looks like you’ll just have to spend the evening with me then.” He says smugly.
“He’s not late it’s not even nine yet.” I spit back. He looks me up and down. His gaze on me feels electric and I can feel my knees weakening.
“So… what kind of date is this exactly?” He asks. At some point during the evening I slipped away to shower and change my clothes. I figured even though I have no intentions of being with Malcolm I didn’t need to let Simon know that; so I got all dolled up to spite of him. I teased my hair, made up my face, and threw on my skimpiest leopard print bikini – which if you ask me looks more like lingerie – and just a sheer long black beach shirt that stops right before my knees. I feel silly with his eyes on me now and realize that I probably went a little overboard.
“We’re taking a romantic stroll along the beach, if you must know.” I say, distracted by the thought that I might have enough time to change if I run up to my room now. But as quickly as I think it Malcolm walks through the door.
His attire has also changed. He ditched his suit for a pair of worn-out jeans, and a buttoned down short sleeved Catalina blue shirt – unbuttoned at the top to expose his curly light brown chest hair – very handsome.
To fit in with my charade to make Simon jealous I excitedly skip over to Malcolm, throwing my arms around his neck and giving him a peck on his freshly shaved cheek.
“Malcolm!” I shriek in my annoying bratty girl voice. I’m going to make myself sick. I can’t believe how I’m acting. If I wasn’t putting on a show I would barely be able to speak to him, let alone touch him. I need to tone it down, but it's as if my ‘on’ switch has been pressed by this spiteful version of myself and there is no turning it off.
“Well hello. It’s nice to see you again too.” Malcolm exclaims looking at me in shock. I sense that he can tell that I’m putting on some sort of foolish act, but he just smiles and shakes it off. “Are you ready to go then?” He wonders, looking me up and down in the same electrifying way that Simon had just done; then I remember Simon.
“Yeah yea, let’s go.” I grab his arm and try to pull him back through the doorway as fast as I can, but I’m not quick enough.
“Hello there, I’m Simon.” He has his hand reaching out for a handshake, and Malcolm politely accepts it.
“Malcolm.” He replies and shakes Simon’s hand firmly, “nice to meet you Simon.” He finishes and looks to me for any explanation. I suppose I should say something rather than stand there just watching these two gorgeous men shake hands as I become flushed.
“Oh, right. Malcolm, this is my friend from London. He was just in town for my birthday, he’ll be leaving now.” I glare at Simon. Trying to force him to take the hint and just leave.
“Well… actually I’m in town a little longer,” he goes on to correct me, “and Lucy, love, I’m not just a friend,” he turns to Malcolm and grins, “I’m her ex-lover.” I can feel my face turn bright red as he puts an emphasis on the word “lover”.
“Oh?” Malcolm responds looking my way like a lost dog.
“Well, yes. But… that’s ancient history. Can we go now?” I plead quickly with Malcolm as I tug on his arm trying to move us out the door.
“I guess if less than a year is ancient, then I suppose you’d be correct.” Simon pulls Malcom’s attention back in.
“A year huh? Well you must not have been that good if she’s already seeing other guys.” I stare in awe at Malcolm’s boldness and Simon’s embarrassment. “Come on Lucy, let’s head out.” We leave Simon standing in the doorway speechless. Suddenly I am very in tune to Malcolm. Something about the way he was able to get Simon to shut up has my blood boiling in the best kind of ways. Is it being dramatic if I call him my hero?
Chapter 13
We walk on the beach in silence for a few moments, but luckily Malcolm is the first to break it.
“So, Simon huh?” Not the question I wanted to answer, but I suppose I owe him some sort of explanation.
“Yeah… I’m sorry about him. Really I am. Honestly though, he broke my heart a long time ago and I did not invite him here. He just showed up.” I reveal, hoping that it’s enough.
“I see. Well, if he broke your heart I won’t make you talk about him,” he offers. “But, if you’d like… I can break something of his to repay him for hurting you?”
Oh my… “Um, no… that’s not necessary.” I squeak. I’m shocked at his words and am unsure what exactly to make of them.
“You’re right.” He utters, and I’m washed with relief. “I should be thanking him for his stupidity. After all, if he didn’t leave you I wouldn’t have the chance to do this…” he stops me in my tracks and holds me by my shoulders. I stand there, planted in the sand, confused by his words. But then his anxious gaze burns into my eyes, his arms wrap around my neck and into my hair as he sweetly kisses me.
I’m taken back by his forwardness and I pull away in awe. Realizing he is probably feeling rejected by my actions, as he drops his arms and stares at me with a pained look, I try to rectify the situation.
“Oh… no… no no no. I um, I’m sorry. It’s okay, I was just shocked. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” Stumbling over my words I try to explain to him that I wasn’t rejecting him. I liked the way he kissed me, but it was the first kiss since Simon, and was just stunned by it. He interrupts my stammering by attempting his endeavor one more time. This time I welcome it as his lips find mine. They are ambitious and absolute as they press into me so intensely.
His hands begin to move south and find a resting place in the small of my back as he pulls me up so he can kiss me deeper; his firm tongue has now found its way to meet mine and I feel like this is starting to be too much. I remember what my cousin, Kathleen, said about Malcolm being a womanizer and I have to cease this.
I pull away again, but not as fast this time. I place my palms on his chest, getting my fingers tangled in his soft hairs, and push back on him gently to signal I need a break.
“Sorry,” he mumbles looking down at my hands. “You, Lucy, you’re just so alluring I can’t help myself. I feel like I need to touch you every second or I’m going to die.” His words feel so sincere, but they confuse me. Who exactly am I to him?
“But, you don’t even know me…?”
“Of course I know you.”
“Yeah, but I mean you don’t know me now… who I am today.”
“No, but I want to.” His words make my heart jump.
“Lucy, I know that it’s been over a decade since we last held hands on this beach,” he takes my hand in his. “But I can tell you that I’ve always had a crush on you. From back then when I thought all girls but you had cooties, and all through the years when your grandmother had been filling me in on your life every summer I’d visit. I feel like I know you better than anyone.”
All night this man has been stunning me, but this floors me. I don’t even know how to respond to his confessions. I have a mixture of guilt, confusion, and distrust; after all this could be a play to get me in bed. I can’t seem to find any words to speak so I just give him a puzzled look and wait for him to continue.
“Lucy Whitten, I feel like most of my life has been spent waiting for you to return, and trying to become a man worthy of your love.” All that runs through my mind is… what?
“I’m not sure if traveling all over the world and sleeping with a bunch
of hot bitches is the way to become worthy of my love… I mean, really?” My confusion is teetering towards anger. I suppose I should be flattered, but something seems so delusional about what he is saying that I’m becoming offended.
“Excuse me?” He is now the one being offended as he picks up on my attitude. “Yes, I travel a lot, and yes I keep a lot of female company… but I don’t sleep around.” He tries to convince me, but I don’t buy it. What man wouldn’t bang every super model he could?
“That’s not what the internet and magazines say.” I fight back, I’m not giving into him until I can actually believe him, and I so want to believe him. I would just die right here if what he was saying was true. I mean, I don’t think I’m anything special, but if he wants to go ahead and believe that I am then I’ll play along. If Kathleen hadn’t warned me about his whorish ways I would be melted into a soft puddle in the sand at his charming words. But I have to remain strong and remember it is an act. He wants something that I am not too eager to hand out these days.
“Well, the fact that you believe tabloids tells me that I may be wrong about you.” His words sting like a slap across my face, and I can’t help but think that he may be right. It’s their job to spread rumors and start scandals, I really am not the type to judge a person I don’t even know and I am suddenly appalled at myself for taking Kathleen’s advice to heart. Clearly she was jealous from the beginning and would have told me anything to get me to steer clear of him. I shake my head to clear my negative thoughts and think of a good enough apology to offer up.
“I… I’m sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t be listening to what other people say. It’s just… it doesn’t make much sense for someone like you to be so interested in someone like me,” is the best I can offer. He stares back at me, smirking, but shaking his head left to right.
Heavy Hearts Page 8