“Silly girl. There is no difference between the two of us. No ‘someone like me and someone like you’ we are just two people looking to be happy in life. For a few years now I have been waiting for the right chance to find you and tell you how I feel. I wanted to wait until you were done with high school, but then you left the country, and when you came back you were busy with school. The opportunity was never in my favor, so I patiently waited. I have made a lot of friends over the years, but nothing more.” He confesses. I feel a little silly standing here in front of a man that I just met, again, this afternoon – who seems to know so clearly that he has feelings for me – who claims he knows me so well through photos and stories offered up by my dear grandmother; and silly childhood moments. I am in awe and not much can be said on my part but a simple “Okay.”
“Okay,” he offers back. “Well… how about we lighten the mood a little. What do you say we put the mouthwatering bathing suit you’ve so graciously decided to wear to some use and take a little nighttime swim?” A swim would be nice, the water feels so inviting on my toes as the tide runs up the beach.
“You’re not wearing any trunks.” I point out.
“No, but I have boxers on… which are almost like trunks.” He smiles as he starts to unbutton his shirt; revealing a very well taken care of body. I stand frozen watching him undress until he is standing before me in nothing but a pair of all black boxers looking like one of the models they plaster on the sides of the Abercrombie and Fitch bags. He doesn’t hesitate at all when he comes in close, grabs the hem of my long shirt, and pulls it over my head so I’m only in my bikini. I feel naked and embarrassed as his eyes wander over every inch of my bare skin; which is a lot of inches I might add.
His demeanor towards me is very comfortable. Like he’s practiced being around me and isn’t afraid of anything I will do. It’s as if he already knows me so well that he is his true self and nothing more. He doesn’t feel the need to be guarded around me, or even to impress me for that matter. He’s just himself and nothing more.
“Come on,” he folds his large soft hand in mine and pulls me in the direction of the salty water where we swim, and kiss, for hours. Enjoying each other in the most innocent of ways and it is refreshing.
Chapter 14
I leave Malcolm, and his eager lips, at the front door to my grandmother’s home. Feeling high off of the events of this incredible evening I can’t wipe the elated grin off my face as I stand against the door in the foyer already missing him. I still can’t even believe the things he said to me about waiting for me all this time. I can’t decide if it’s just intoxicating charm to get what he wants from me and then bail, or if he’s genuine about his feelings, which would have to be the most romantic thing that has ever happened me.
Mid-thought the lights flip on filling the room with a soft yellow glow getting brighter by the second.
“So… how was the date?” Simon sits on an overstuffed floral print armchair in a pair of gray sweatpants, no shirt. The sight of him looking so glorious just sitting makes me hostile, and I am just ready for him to leave.
“Simon! What are you still doing here?” I fume. Crossing the regal rug in the living room so I’m standing right in front of him to show him how infuriated I am.
“Well, I got to talking to your grams, great gal by the way, and she found out I was a friend of yours with nowhere to stay so…”
“Oh no! You are not staying here!” I cannot contain my voice and I’m beginning to shout. Realizing it’s well past midnight I lower my voice to a screaming whisper. “Simon, you can’t stay here with me. You just can’t.”
“Well, I am, and I really don’t think it’s a big deal.” He claims. The fact that it isn’t a big deal to him sends me over the edge. He just acts like nothing happened between us and that he can just push himself back into my life and things are going to go back to the way they were last summer in London. I feel tears beginning to well in my eyes and that is the last thing I want him to see. He doesn’t get to see this side of me anymore, he doesn’t deserve my tears.
“I can’t speak to you right now, so I don’t even care. Do as you please… just please, stay out of my room.” I quietly plead with him as I rush past the couch to hit the staircase. My hair and bikini are still wet and the cool air conditioning filling the house is frigid on my bare skin. I just want to head upstairs, take a shower, and crawl into my warm bed to dream about my new handsome admirer. But of course Simon isn’t going to let me go that easily. He grabs my hand and pulls me back into him. I close my eyes tight to squeeze any tears out as he stands behind me with his bare chest to my exposed back. He whispers in my ear and I feel myself weakening at the touch of his breath on my skin.
“Lucy, please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for last summer and I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted tonight. I get a little crazy these days when it comes to you.” I take a deep breath to hold back the tears, or the screams, or the lust I feel towards him.
“I can’t even begin to make it up to you and you have no reason to forgive me, but please just talk to me. Give me a chance to explain. Give me a chance to get you back.” He so sweetly requests. I turn around so I am now facing his naked upper half and as I press my palms to his chest I feel all my adoring feelings for him come rushing back and I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye because I know I will give myself back to him. “Oh Lucy, I’ve missed you” He whispers in my ear once again, this time gently kissing the top of my head, but I have to pull away and break the spell that he can cast on me.
“Simon, I’m sorry. I just can’t… we can’t. Please, I’ll talk to you in the morning. I need a good night’s sleep.” I mumble through stifled cries. I continue to look at the ground and not at his face so I cannot gauge his reaction, but he doesn’t let me go that easily.
“I just want to tell you how daft I was to let you go. I want to explain to you how much you mean to me and I know… I know that you probably will never be able to forgive me, but I hope you can at least believe me when I say that letting you leave was the biggest mistake of my life and I would do anything to go back and fix it. I love you, Lucy Whitten,” and with those words I lock eyes with his and let the tears spill over my bottom eyelid. I can see the torture in his face and it’s the same pained face he tried to hide the night he turned down my offer to stay with him.
The mixed bag of emotions running through me between Malcolm’s confessions and Simon’s apology are swimming around inside of me and I have no idea how to control them.
Simon takes the first step toward me and slides his hands in that perfect spot nested in my hair on the back of my neck. Images of the Tower Bridge fill my head and I know he’s going to kiss me; I want him to kiss me.
His lips caress mine lightly, just tasting, but I am hungry for more. I throw my arms around the man that I spent too many months crying over and I kiss him as though it’s the last and first kiss of my life. I taste his freshly cleaned minty tongue and I cannot get enough. His hands move quickly down my body, but still feeling every inch before clutching my upper thighs as I hop up and wrap my legs around his waist.
I had often played the scenario out in my head, and if I ever ran into Simon again the plan was to give him a quick slap across the cheek, toss a drink in his face, and walk away proudly while looking drop-dead gorgeous to show him what he was missing. Obviously, my horny young-adult body had a different idea, and I decided I liked hers better.
“My room,” I squeak out in between sloppy kisses. Simon, still holding me, begins to ascend up the stairs toward my room. We both know what we want, and we both know that it is about to happen, but we cannot stop kissing no matter how breathless we’re becoming. I feel like if I let go of him, if I stop for just a second, I’m going lose him again, and I can feel in his kiss that he feels the same.
He manages to find my room without me having to tell him which it is. Someone must’ve told him which was mine while I was gone; who knows what he found out while I
was gone. Gone with Malcolm… MALCOLM!
“Wait!” I pull away and wiggle my way out of his arms so I’m standing on my own two feet again. “I can’t do this… Malcolm…” I breathlessly choke out.
“What about Malcolm… are you two a thing? Your gram said it was the first time you’ve seen each other in years.” He proudly professed. Damn grandmother, telling everyone everything about me.
“Yes, but… it’s complicated. I don’t know if I feel right about this when I don’t even know what I am to him, or what he is to me. I’m sorry… I really am, but…” I can’t even bring myself to finish the sentence. I want him so badly in all the ways that I know Malcolm wants me and I don’t know how to erase those feelings.
“Oh, screw it.” I eagerly moan and in an instant I am right back on his lips, biting and sucking at his perfectly plump mouth wishing they were touching every inch of my body.
“That’s my girl.” He says as my mouth moves lower around his neck and onto his chest, and that is all it takes. I am his yet again and there is no breaking the spell. He has me to do with as he pleases and I’m not going to try and lie and say that I don’t enjoy it; because I do enjoy the control he has over me… I truly do.
****
Morning fast approaches and I’m alone in my queen sized bed, and I’m sore… strikingly sore. I sit up and immediately fall back onto the pillow top mattress reeling in pain. Between last night’s swim in the angry ocean water and the extracurricular activities in bed I must’ve wore out my muscles and they are screaming at me today.
Things with Simon were intense. Both of us could feel it and neither of us held back. We had a lot of pent up frustrations and months of lost time to make up for so our steamy copulation was quite raw. I wanted to kick myself for letting it happen. For letting him back in so thoughtlessly. I mean, he broke me and he comes waltzing in here with his heady accent and overwhelmingly good looks and I’m at his beck and call once again. I am pathetic.
Disgusted with myself I get up to wash the sex and salt off of me so I can start this day fresh. I want to tell Simon to go back to London and be out of my life forever… no I’m going to tell him that. A hot shower is definitely what I need to clear my lust-filled head. The water washes away last night’s mistake and I am feeling confident that I can tell Simon what I need to and get on with my possible life with Malcolm. I mean, maybe… I don’t know yet.
Down in the kitchen I can hear the loud chatter of multiple voices. All my cousins have the same snobbish tones, but Simon’s distinct accent overpowers all of them as he no doubt is charming them all with his witty British tales. I walk towards them with the intention of pulling Simon out of the room and firmly telling him what I needed to get off my chest, but instead I am halted in the doorway. I am stuck watching Cassie, Joleen, and Kathleen lean across the countertop pining over Simon while Dennis and Kyle chow down on giant stacks of buttermilk pancakes drenched in sticky brown syrup.
My eyes focus in on Simon as he brightly smiles at my female cousins and slips a forkful of plain fluffy pancakes past his delicious lips. He fixates his gaze on mine and suddenly I can’t seem to remember what it was I was going to say to him. It’s as if he has me under that spell again and when I am near him and it makes me feel like I am his and he is mine and nothing else in the world matters.
In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming at me, begging me to tell him off and never look back. Warning me that I am only going to get hurt again if I let him back into my life, but I stifle that part of me and join him for a pancake breakfast.
I enjoy the envious looks I receive from my older cousins. They are usually the ones with the handsome man feeding them delicious morsels of food, but now it is their plain cousin who has the doting suitor. And I love it.
I know that I should be thinking of sweet Malcolm, and what I am going to tell him after the intense confession he spilled to me last night. I won’t deny that I have some sort of feelings for him, and I can’t deny that I really want to see what could come of us, but how could I just leave the man that I fell so deeply in love with last year?
“Simon, do you play any football?” Dennis so rudely interrupted by slipping a dirty brown football into Simon’s arms. I stand up off of his lap to let him gain control of the fumbling ball. He looks at it like he’s never held one before, as if it was alien. I can’t help but giggle at the sight of his confusion.
“Uhh, I’ve seen it on the tele.” He shrugs his broad shoulders and tosses the ball back to Dennis.
“Well,” Kyle butts in. “You’re on my team then. We always dominate Dennis and his loser friends anyway.” The rivalry between my entire family is petty. The boys compete when it comes to money and sports, and the girls flaunt their men and bodies. I usually try and stay out of it, I’m always the one swept under the rug by the rest of them; which is why I’m using Simon to my full advantage while in their presence.
Us girls follow close behind the boys out to the beach. I can’t imagine it would be very easy to play a game of tackle football in the sand, but they do this all the time, so more power to them. It’s nice to just sit on the white sandy beach, listen to the waves roll in, and watch as Kyle and Dennis’ friends get all hot and sweaty as they run around tossing a ball back and forth.
The sun is at its highest point in the sky and is beating down hard on all of us. The men run around like animals, and my very thin female cousins and I lie out with very little clothing on to get as sun-kissed as possible.
“So, Lucy… how did you snag that hot piece of British tail?” Cassie jealously hisses at me.
“More importantly, what are you going to do about Malcolm now?” Kathleen butts in before I can answer. She was the only one who really knew about my date with Malcolm last night and her question was one that should have an answer, but I tried my hardest to think of a good enough answer and I came up with nothing. My mind was blank about it all; the whole situation was confusing and stressful. Now that I wasn’t in the warm embrace of Simon and I had my thoughts to myself again I couldn’t help but think that I should probably have a talk with Simon about what was going to happen next before I let him think that I would let him back into my life so effortlessly.
“Well…?” Joleen eagerly presses. Joleen is the only one of my cousins that I actually genuinely get along with. She and Kyle are twins and they are the closest to my age, being only seven months older than I am. They spent a few summers upstate with me at the ranch house, the place where I wish I was at this very moment so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I looked at the three of them waiting impatiently for an answer, but I didn’t have anything to offer. Luckily we were interrupted by my grandmother’s housekeeper.
“Miss Lucy, you have a visitor at the front door.” She smiles sweetly as she beckons to me.
“Thanks Helen, I’ll be there in a sec.” Surely it has to be Malcolm. I have to compose myself and think about what I’m going to say to him. I guess it would be somewhere along the lines of ‘things are complicated right now and I have to figure them out’ or ‘I really like you but I think we should just be friends right now’. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t want to lead him on until I know what it is I am going to do with Simon.
I climb off the lounge chair, dust the little bit of sand that clings to my glistening skin, and throw my brown sundress back on over my bikini to head for the house. I wave goodbye to the girls and they go back to ogling the men who almost all have lost their shirts due to the heat. I must admit, Simon looks great out there amongst the fraternity boys. At first he looked a little lost, but he seems to have picked up the rules quickly and has even scored a touchdown.
I get back to the house and Helen tells me that Malcolm is sitting in the living room waiting for me. I am actually finding that I am excited to see him, and I want to feel his lips against mine again. Of course, this is the absolute wrong thing to be thinking.
I skip into the living room full of pep giddy
to see Malcolm. “So, you just couldn’t stay away long could y-” I am frozen instantly with a look of shock stuck on my face as I stand in front of the exact opposite of Malcolm… someone whom I thought I would never see again.
“Hey kid, it’s been awhile huh…?” He stands there taller than the last time I had seen him and older. Three years can change a person and if he hadn’t been such an important part of my life when I was freshly seventeen years old I don’t know that I would have even recognized the boy who taught me how to love, and how to feel true pain.
“Finn,” I gasp. Just saying his name brings on a tidal wave of memories and I can feel myself becoming weak in the knees as I lower myself down to an armchair to keep from falling. This is the last thing I need.
Chapter 15
When I was eight years old my father bought a breathtakingly gorgeous piece of land in Cherry Valley, New York. This is where I preferred to spend my summers rather than in the Hamptons with the rest of my cousins. (This is also when I fell out of contact with Malcolm, but we’re not talking about him here.)
Dad wanted to expand his business horizons, and for some reason he chose horses. I wasn’t complaining, however. I loved the ranch for so many reasons but it wasn’t until I was newly seventeen that I really learned to appreciate its true potential.
“Wouldn’t you rather be lying on the beach and enjoying the exotic boys then rolling in the dirt and getting chewed up by mosquitos?” My mother pouted. She wanted to get away and go to St. Thomas for the summer, but I insisted on the ranch as usual. I tried to get her to let me take one of the cars and she could go to the Caribbean without me, but she wasn’t having it. I had my license for about three weeks by now, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t drive myself.
“You could’ve gone.” I snapped back.
“Lucy… I wasn’t going to let a sixteen year old girl drive almost four hours by herself. Plus, your father isn’t going to be there for another two weeks. You can’t be alone that long.”
Heavy Hearts Page 9